Fucking Myself

@spitzone

Anonymous - tw for mental chaos

1,426 posts

Headache

Please let me get lots of cool tattoos

So tired ready for bed

Thinking about things the way they have been

I hold up a mirror to you and show you what you’re scared of being

When you look at me you see the things about you you hate

Thank you Father Time you have blessed me. Thank you for my lessons and my karma and my blessings and justice.

Thank you for my role in the universe. I will try to continue to be better.

Leave with your swords better take your swords and go

I’m actually having a really good day! I’ve been in a really great wonderful place and have great relationships and at work things are going well. I’m getting paid a lot and I’m breaking creative barriers. So what the fuck!

I vent every time I’m sad, but it’s not backed up with evidence. Like I’m doing really good and I’m actually a cool person. My boyfriend. Is really sweet.

Other than that disgusting dream I had last night I totally forgot about until like now. I always have morose dreams

Maybe this is disgusting: I had a dream last night about my ex who raped me, but he was as his current self (sadly I know what he looks like now….) and we were in my old house, and we had sex (I can’t really remember how but I remember we weren’t supposed to for some reason or I didn’t want to…. My mother and family were downstairs, it was night, at winter time and it was thanksgiving or Christmas or something like that.)

I don’t remember the having sex part but I remember not enjoying it, and I’m pretty sure I was dating someone else. The disgusting part is after we weren’t supposed done I felt a large sharp pain of an object inside me and it was a turd. I know that’s gross. But it was like a little branch but I’m like it was shit inside me. And I felt ashamed and disgusted by myself ans I hid it under the bed. While he was looking at me and wondered “did he notice? Did he just see that? Where did that come from?” Knowing in my dream that I do not shit from my vagina. Realized it must have been there the whole time or somehow was placed in there.

I went to use the washroom (realistically my old home) and the shower was broken and he demanded to use the shower before me and used the towel I was going to use. I was pretty upset by that point and went to the other washroom (unrealistic) and it was broken and flooded. He was trying to force me to use the shower with him or just wait for me. My mother was starting the thanksgiving feast and i wasn’t ready.

At that point I started yelling at him because he was ruining everything and being really inconsiderate and we shouldn’t have done that, and i said “you raped me and I keep letting you back in and then you do this!”

And the dinner was like candlelit, beautiful, so fancy candlelit and he wasn’t even staying for dinner but was trying to convince me to flake. And saying that it’s my fault. I don’t remember but I was with my family and I felt so disgusting and dirty. I wasn’t able to shower and I felt ashamed. That was the whole dream

God Enter my body

Make me your tool

Use me at your will

I swear I’m at your command

Reach inside me and unlock what you want, make me as you wish, I allow it. I promise I will listen

I’m so tired and lonely, goodnight

I would give anything to be that person I want to be, I swear. I am willing to give anything. I am ready to die. Ready for rebirth.

I need to change, I need to change. I have people for treating me like shit. I have to learn to fight. Maybe this is redundant or overused, but God, send me a sign. Send me a sign. Please. I need something.

I’m sorry for my impurity and faults. Please send me a sign of which way to choose. I will listen to you.

I need:

Therapy

Physical activity

Money, career progress.

Organization, balance

Music

Social activity, adventures, exploration

Pursuit of hobbies new things.

Friendship, self love.

Vitality, health.

I really fucking don’t feel good about what’s happening and I’m not sure if anything’s okay. Even though everything’s okay…. Somethings screaming at me but, it might be just my insides.

All the unfair anxiety, self doubt, humiliation, insults, irrationality. I understand things locogcqlly at times it seems like everything makes sense to me. I’m so self aware and aware of others and the world, and I can’t help but observe. But it never answers Why? Why? Why? No explanation. Awareness is limiting me. If there was a way I could cut through all of it. My laziness, my mistakes, my shame, my hesitation, my regret, my people pleasing.

If there was a way I could make back friendship…. And be adored, just as myself. There’s no way to be perfect. I’m better than I was, but I need more. I’m not sure if this black hole will stop eating away at me

I curse you fr

Should we forget the past while unforgiving and the footprints that etched the path we walk upon today

Black is the colour of the earth

Of The soil

Of My loves hair

Of the inside of my stomach and my shadow in the moonlight

Of the horse

Of of of of of

Wow I need help man

Weird thought, being 29 years old means I’ve already completed 29 years and I am now actively living my incomplete 30th

It freaked me out at first to hear this but now it’s comforting… so weird

I’m about 205-210 pounds and gained the past year despite me being productive more than ever a and I just hope I’m not too far gone or lost

I’ve consumed 2,190 cals today before this food order dude …. I can’t let the rapists and evil doers win…. I have to beat this

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