your soul

forgive yourself for everything you broke when you were trying to survive.

[spliitsoul]

                   @aetrnm​​​​  sent ;;  “ i have fought all your battles for you, just as you asked me. ”

         there  is  a  look  upon  features  so  TENDER,  so  sweet.  it  contrasts  the  FIRE  and  venom  you  have  worn  and  tasted so  well  in  recent  days.  how  you  have  watched empires  fall,  felt  the  life  force  of  legions  of  angels and  humans  alike  DRAIN  into  nothingness. how  you  have  watched  them  fall  at  your  feet.  your  rage  knows  no  bounds–  not  now.  not  when  you  KNOW  you  have  lost.    (  oh  but  what  beautiful  defeat. look  at  you–  look  at  all  you  have  created in  this  time.  you  may  have  lost  the  battle, but  you  know  even  in  your  defeat, the  war  will  rage  on.  for  there  are  things that  you  have  done,  things you  have  made  happen  that  can  never  be  undone. your  dark,  DEVILISH  grip  on  this  world  will  never  release. )  

     but  now–  in  this  moment,  there  are  no  signs  of  that  rage.  only  a  SADNESS.  

 already,  you  have  spoken to  the  six.  they  know  their  missions, they  knew  what  they  are  to  do  next.    but  here,  here  with  abaddon, your  MOST  TRUSTED  AND  LOVED,  you  will  finally speak  the  truth. and  how  it  cuts  you  to  the  bone  to  have  to  do  so.  to  be  weak before  him.  honest  and  open.  

         “  and  you  have  done  BEAUTIFULLY  in  each  and  every  one  of  them.  ”  praise falls  from  lips  so  easily, and  you  could  drown  him  in  it.    hand comes  up,  back  of  it  grazing  the  sharp  angle  of  cheek  and  you  sigh  before  sinking down.    THE  LAST  TIME  YOU  TAKE  THIS  CHAIR.        “ but  even  i,  in  all  my  arrogance and  ego,  have  to  admit  when  it’s  over,  my  love.  and  it  is.  this  will  be  the  final  step.  you  KNOW  where  He  is  going  to  cast  me.  ”  shake  head,  weak  breath  of  laughter  released.   “  i  expect you  to  continue to  do  right  by  me,  even  in  my  absence. understood  ?  ”

[aetrnm-deactivated20200425]

❛   𝚒𝚝'𝚜      𝚜𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚢      𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 .      𝚒      𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝      𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝      𝚝𝚘      𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎      𝚢𝚘𝚞   …

❜    𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥      𝐦𝐞      𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐰𝐚𝐲 .

❛    𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 …       𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜      𝚒'𝚖      𝚊𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚍      𝚘𝚏      𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝      𝚒      𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍      𝚍𝚘      𝚏𝚘𝚛      𝚢𝚘𝚞      𝚒𝚏      𝚢𝚘𝚞      𝚊𝚜𝚔𝚎𝚍 .

╰      •    .   𝙴𝙻𝙸𝙹𝙰𝙷  &&   𝙼𝙸𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙴𝙻 / @spliitsoul

[spliitsoul]

❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ( from Steve to Bucky )

some meme   //  @aetrnm  

          lips lift and curl and there is a LIGHT that comes to your eyes with his words– a shifting in demeanor. feel it, as body and mind come to life, practically ILLUMINATE before him.   –and hasn’t he always caused such clear reactions? hasn’t he always been the source? and you’re always so drawn to him. shadows that dance around his flame.  

  this moment is STOLEN, but you’ll cling to it with all you have– just as your hands cling to him, grip at clothing. that fuckin’ outfit.  somehow looks even better than the first one.   bite on lip for a moment, but it does NOTHING to hide the way you grin,   the way cheeks flush as you lean in, press forehead to his. 

          “stevie,”  whisper his name, feel heart flutter in chest and — 

  a war is on the horizon. isn’t it ALWAYS with the two of you?  but you’ll be damned if you let this one take away from what you feel. you let it all get buried last time.  wrote letters only to keep them held to chest. kept words inside. but not this time. not anymore. 

          “god, missed you so much.” can’t help the way soft smile curls into a smirk as you look at him, still pressed together, hands still clinging.  “if that were true you wouldn’t be disappearin’ off around the world like ya have been, least not for two fuckin’ months, only to come back when the damned worlds endin’.” tuts, shaking head as grip on his clothes tightens and you yank him impossibly closer, heat combined,  “you got some fuckin’ making up to do when this is all dealt with, punk. m’keepin’ you with me for a solid month, fuck the rest of the world, they can’t have ya.”  breath a little heavier, and you try NOT to focus on what looms ahead– try not to focus on the pain of having to be apart. instead, just this single, stolen moment.   nose brushes against his, voice drops to a whisper, “love you so much.” words spoken for him only are soon muffled as you FINALLY press your lips to his and for a single moment, you feel at home.  

[spliitsoul]

the unsent letters 

———————————————————————-

bex, i’m sat on this plane and honest to god, no amount of training has prepared me for the way my hearts pounding. it was a good last night in the city. i’m glad i got to spend it with you and steve and anton and a few too many drinks. but i’m scared. i wanna make you all so proud, i wanna do good. but my heart is pounding and it feels like it’s gonna explode out of my chest and all i can think is how much i wanna be laid in the grass with you and stevie on a late sunday afternoon, filled with the candy we stole from that place down the street. i feel like a fucking coward. but it’s fine. i know really it’s just the initial nerves. it’s all gonna be fine. it has to be. i love you, stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

steve, you being as sick as you are has never once been a comfort to me till now. always scared the shit outta me, how often i thought we were gonna lose you. you’re a part of me in the same way bex is. in my fucking soul. i couldn’t lose you. but god, this is the first time i’ve ever been thankful for how sick you’ve always been. knowing they’re never gonna accept your ass and that you’re gonna fucking live through this war is one of the only things bringing me comfort right now. i can’t lose you, stevie. this fucking war can take what it wants, it can bleed me till i’m dry and there’s nothing left. but it ain’t taking you. not you. you’re too damned good. it can’t have you. bucky.

———————————————————————-

to both my idiots, if i should die before i wake, i pray you fucking dumbasses never find a way to get over here. you can’t see this hell. you can’t. bucky.

———————————————————————-

bex, i wish i’d told you the truth before i left. i… i wish i’d accepted it myself. i feel like i’m living a lie to the one person i swore to always tell the truth to. god… it’s eating me up. and i know i’ll never be able to tell you now. some truths, you hold inside too long they become this big, ugly thing. how could finally admitting it now ever do any good, when it’s become this blackened monster? maybe… maybe years ago. maybe then, it woulda still been beautiful. it wouldn’t have stung so hard to speak of, even if it was terrifying. god… i don’t even know. guess i’m just sitting here, wallowing in my regrets. fucking stupid, i know. but. i can’t help it. i had to kill a kid today. ain’t got a clue how the fuck he got in. but he wasn’t making it back on his own and we couldn’t carry him and…. i’m sorry. i can’t.

———————————————————————-

bex, i didn’t think it was possible. to lose track. for all the death and the blood on my hands to get so thick and nasty that i’d lose track of how many lives i’ve taken. but honestly, it happened on the first day. and now there’s been so, so many days and weeks and time doesn’t exist out here but i know it’s rolling on, this never ending thing we can stop and i feel it. i fucking feel it in my chest. i’m the same. no real sense, just keep moving on. another life. another. what’s another sin to my thousand?

———————————————————————-

steve, i wish i’d just told you. bucky.

———————————————————————-

anton, take care of her. it’s all on you now. i love you, you got this. stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

rebecca, honest to god, i could rip this fucking world apart for daring to put you there. why, what fucking right did it have? hurting me, i don’t care. they can have all the pieces they want outta me. i ain’t worth shit, they can have it all. but you? no. i’m gonna bring hell down on ‘em for it. tear me apart, peel my skin and scramble my head—they can do it all and i don’t care. i’m still here, still kickin’ and always will be. i don’t care. but this world doesn’t get to touch you. not you. i swear to god, i’ll burn ‘em all for dragging you into this hell. bucky.

———————————————————————-

steve, i thought i got lucky. i really, really was stupid enough to think i got lucky. that you and bex would be away from this mess. but no, god. how could i have been so stupid to actually think either of you would stay back home, where you were meant to be? safe. happy. alive. hearts whole and souls not tainted by this hell. well. if i can’t keep either of you from it, i’ll sure as hell fight till my fingers bleed and breathing burns my lungs, just to keep you alive. this war ain’t having either of you. i won’t let it. bucky.

———————————————————————-

steve, i’m a little drunk right now and the night is beautiful and god, london’s never looked as good as it does with you in it. you’re still so awkward, dancing around the idea of actually dancing even though every eyes on you now. can’t lie, i’m a lil jealous. what, suddenly people thing they’re worthy of ya? i mean shit, i definitely ain’t. but at least i’ve always seen what they only just seem to be catchin. still, guess better late than never. i’m glad really, that the world finally gets it—steve rogers is the best we got. damned heart and soul. and if anyone is gonna end this war, it’s you. but i still don’t want ya to. i still wish you were far, far away from this mess. but we don’t always get what we want, right? never so lucky. guess i’ll have to settle. close my eyes and pretend i’m winning, pretend it’s all you. bucky.

———————————————————————-

bex, i love him. i love him so much bex i can’t fucking breathe. i… it’s gonna eat me alive. if this war doesn’t, then holding this in is gonna. bucky.

———————————————————————-

steve, i don’t think i’ve ever been able to see you in the snow and not have a damned heart attack. it would always get to your lungs. no matter how much we’d try to warm up sat by the fire after, it’s like it just sunk in too deep to every part of you. terrified me, that something that looked so pretty could cause you so much pain. i hated the snow for so long because of it. still can’t deal with it really, how wonderful it is now. i still worry, habit really. but… god. those blue eyes just stand right out on this snowy backdrop and i swear for just a moment, i could touch heaven. i think you’re what heaven feels like. bucky.

———————————————————————-

bex, i still wish i coulda been honest with you about this part of me. i wish this world was kinder. and who knows, maybe after this? maybe it will be. maybe the world wasn’t meant to be kind for me, maybe i wasn’t meant to get to be myself in it. and that’s okay. so long as someone else gets to, right? so you promise me, if that heart of yours is as queer as mine? be loud. be proud. don’t let anyone ever, ever tell you who you can’t be. and don’t let love slip through your fingers coz you’re too damned scared to see it through. i love you so much bex, stay tough. be brave. bucky.

———————————————————————-

stevie, feels like the end is brewing now. the storms just outta reach, but we’re headed right for it. we’re running right into it, head first. and god, i look at you and i know, i know the things you’d do to end this. you’d never tear the world apart for it, but yourself? yeah, you’d pull yourself to shreds if it meant this all got to be over and we could finally taste victory and free the world from this pain and never ending suffering. you’d do it all, wouldn’t you? and hell, if that ain’t exactly what drew me to you in the first place. that fire. that spitting blood spirit. it’s hell, and i’ve told you time and time again how fucking stupid it is, how you’re gonna get yourself killed. but i’m like a moth and you’re the flame and i can’t fucking walk away. i’m here. right at your side. same way you’re drawn to the flames of this war and heroism. well i ain’t a hero. just a selfish son of a bitch that’s loved you since the day we met on school yard and you were kicking at people twice your size. and maybe at first, this was about making you and bex and anton proud. maybe it was about fighting in the memory of gabriel, about making the world a better place, one he could have survived in. but it was always even more than that. it was always more selfish. i thought maybe, just maybe, if i offered up my tattered sinner soul, then maybe it could mean something. tip the scales. it could be an offering, and this world would let you walk free. leave you untouched by this war. but it didn’t work, did it? shoulda known. i’m not enough, what i got to give could never be enough to protect you, to save you. but damn, i’m trying stevie, i’m trying every day. i’ll dirty my soul right down to its last atom. i’ll taint it good and true. i’ll dirty my hands with so much blood i’ll wonder if i was ever clean, even once in my life. i’ll look in the mirror and see a monster. i’ll rip apart families and take parents from their kids and torture every last hydra scum i can get my hands on. so long as it means we win. so long as it means you walk away from this.  i’ll die, i’ll do it. if it means you get to live. i was so damned scared of dying before. but not now, not now the truth weighs heavy in my heart unable to be ignored. i love you, i’ve loved you since before i even knew it was allowed. and i’d walk into the jaws of fire and death, i’d give it all up, just to see you walk away from this. just, be sure to do me one favour at the end of it all? stay tough. don’t lose that edge, that fire. burn on for all eternity stevie, do that for me, and it’ll all be alright. yours, forever and always, bucky.

[spliitsoul]

the sent/received letters to rebecca 

———————————————————————-

bex, it’s been six years to the day since we lost him, and i know for you, it hits harder than everyone else. i could never begin to understand it, not really. i may have damn near raised you guys, and that day will echo, haunting me till the day i die, but i know it’s got nothing on the pain you carry with you. losing the other half of a whole like that, it’s gotta sting in ways i don’t even pretend to understand. but know that, you’re never alone in this. the pain you carry, i take a piece of it too. and if i could, i’d be there beside you today. we’d go to his grave, lie and tell him the worlds whole and fixed. that it ain’t broken and crumbling around us still. nice idea. i hope one day it won’t be a lie. i hope that all this fighting i’m shipping off to go and do amounts to something. i hope i can help make this a world he would have wanted to be a part of. i hope i can make you proud too. i love you sis, stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

sis, you wouldn’t believe the views here. it’s… it’s a fucking horror show, but when it’s quiet at night and the fighting stops… it’s beautiful. the way the stars shine, ain’t nothing like it back home. feels like all of eternity is stretching out before me. in these moments, it’s so damned easy to feel invincible. like this war ain’t gonna chew me up and spit me back out. plus, it’s nice seeing it all. knowing that if we all stopped living for a moment, the skies would clear and you’d be seeing this too. even with a whole ocean between us, i guess we ain’t that far apart, not really. i miss you. i love you, stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

rebecca, this might be the last one for a while. going deep tomorrow. azzano is gonna be hell, according to what we know. too many have died already and… it’s okay. really. it’s what’s to be expected, right? i knew that going into this, that this war would likely take me. but it’s okay. everything helps, right? it’s gotta all be for something. i didn’t wanna lie to you bex, i didn’t wanna send you some letter all hopeful and… coz if the worst happens, wouldn’t that just be so much worse? getting the telegram, as well as some bullshit letter from me all cocky and sure as shit it was all gonna work out? so i’ll be honest, i’m shit scared. but it’s okay. maybe scared keeps you alive an all that. and it’s funny, coz going into this… i didn’t think i could be scared. after all, what i got to live for really? what i got to be afraid of losing and not coming home to? coz you’d be alright. you and anton have always been tough. and… i know you’d keep an eye on stevie. he’s always been a survivor too. i’m just glad you’re both back there, safe. but now? knowing what i could be facing tomorrow? yeah, i’m finally scared. i’ve already done dirty, horrible things out here and my own failing humanity can’t scare me. but the idea of losing, of never seeing your faces one last time? shit, it’s got me scared, bex. but if it’s what happens, i can take it. meant to be. just, be good, okay? promise me, you’ll do all the shit you dreamed. promise me that, and it’ll all be okay. i love you, stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

shit head, i can’t stop thinking while i’m out here, taking down these damned hydra bases, that my little sister is a better liar than i am. if i wasn’t so fucking terrified of losing you, i’d say we need you among the commandos. could do with someone as stealthy and sneaky as you. we lack subtlety sometimes. steve just today threw himself quite literally at a fucking tank. you’d have definitely rolled your eyes, and be chewing our ears off over the better, slicker plan. which actually, i’m sure you’ll still make time to do when we meet up in london next month. can’t wait to see you, and not hear about all this secret spy shit you got going on. i love you, stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

rebecca, as much as i like the clear air and all the stars over here… i still can’t wrap my head around the quiet. so used to the noise of home, i still can’t deal with the silence. even dum dum’s mouth and nonstop stories can’t break the shattering quiet of late watches. an all it does is give me time to think. i don’t know what i’d have done if you’d ended up on that table back in austria. i never want you to know the depths of the shit they did, and i hate every day how i can’t seem to shake it, how it lingers beneath my skin. but i’m thankful, always, for the simple fact that they never touched you like that. being caged was already way more than you shoulda got. i’m just glad it was me on the table and not you.   i love you, little sis. don’t you ever let this hellish war twist you up and turn you inside out like it has me. i couldn’t bear it. stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

bex, it’s fucking freezing and there’s a million different ways i could describe to you the beauty of the snow here. chills me to the bone, but it’s wonderful. untouched. you’d never imagine there was a war waging. you’d never imagine, that such beauty could be created on the very same earth that’s ripping itself apart—that so much horror and nightmare comes to life on this very ground that now looks like heaven. actual heaven. and god, it makes me wanna confess all my sins and bear my soul. maybe one day. wars to win first and all. see you soon, kiddo. i love you, stay tough. bucky.

———————————————————————-

four days later, bucky barnes falls from the train and is declare killed in action. rebecca barnes receives word, and a month later is given the notebook he kept with him throughout the war, filled with unsent letters.

[spliitsoul]

aetrnm·:

            ‘      𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑽𝑰𝑬      ,      𝑰      𝑪𝑨𝑵      𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑹      𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹      𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑩𝑬𝑨𝑻      𝑭𝑹𝑶𝑴      𝑨𝑪𝑹𝑶𝑺𝑺      𝑻𝑯𝑬      𝑹𝑶𝑶𝑴      .      ’      and      you      remember      the      hands      which      held      the      weight      ,      of      palm      and      sweat      and      fever      dream      with      only      his      face      to      clear      the      smoke      ,      and      you      have      inhaled      him      with      battered      lungs      and      wounded      teeth      and      bruises      pinched      along      the      seams      of      your      cheek      —      [      𝗍𝗁𝖾      𝖺𝗌𝗁      𝗈𝖿      𝖿𝗂𝗋𝖾𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗄𝗌      𝗂𝗇      𝖺      𝗃𝗎𝗅𝗒      𝗒𝗈𝗎      𝗋𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋      𝗍𝗁𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁      𝖻𝗈𝗇𝖾      𝖺𝖼𝗁𝖾      ,      𝗌𝗉𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗅      𝖽𝖺𝗒𝖽𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗆      𝗂𝗇      𝗍𝗁𝖾      𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗍      𝗈𝖿      𝗌𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗄𝗒      𝗅𝗂𝗉𝗌      𝗁𝗈𝗐      𝗒𝗈𝗎      𝗐𝗂𝗌𝗁𝖾𝖽      𝗍𝗈      𝖼𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋      𝗁𝗂𝗌      𝗈𝗐𝗇      𝗂𝗇      𝖺      𝗉𝗋𝗂𝗌𝗆      𝗈𝖿      𝗐𝗁𝗂𝗌𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖾𝖽      𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗆𝗂𝗌𝖾𝗌      𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾      𝗍𝗁𝖾      𝖻𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝗍𝗁      𝗈𝖿      𝗆𝗎𝗌𝖼𝗅𝖾𝗌      𝗒𝗈𝗎      𝗁𝖺𝖽      𝗒𝖾𝗍      𝗍𝗈      𝗈𝗐𝗇      𝖺𝗇𝖽      —-      𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦      𝘢𝘯𝘥      𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦      𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥      𝘳𝘦𝘥      ]      stars      shift      sickle      edge      to      bend      upon      hammers      shoulder      blade      because      you      are      lost      and      he      is      found      .            BUT      BEING      FOUND      IS      A      MAP      WITH      NO      POINT      ,      a      palm      with      no      guide      ,      the      world      laid      out      for      exploring      [      𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠      ,      𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬      𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝      𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥      𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧      𝐲𝐨𝐮      𝐮𝐩      ,      𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥      𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭      𝐲𝐨𝐮      𝐨𝐮𝐭      𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞      𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞      𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥      𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧’      𝐚𝐧𝐝      𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧      𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭      𝐲𝐨𝐮      𝐭𝐨      𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐤      —-      ]       ‘      𝑆𝑡𝑒𝑣𝑖𝑒      ,      𝑤𝑒      𝑎𝑟𝑒      𝑎𝑖𝑟𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑠      𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔      𝑖𝑛      𝑡𝘩𝑒      𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑔𝘩𝑡      ,      𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙      𝑦𝑜𝑢      𝑑𝑜𝑛’𝑡      𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑝      𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟      𝑚𝑦      𝑏𝑜𝑜𝑡      ,      𝑡𝘩𝑒      𝑓𝑎𝑙𝑙      𝑖𝑠      𝑠𝑜      𝑚𝑢𝑐𝘩      𝑠𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑟      𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑛      𝑡𝘩𝑒      𝑐𝑙𝑖𝑚𝑏      ’      .      and      you      stare      at      him      as      though      he      were      the      music      .      the      echo      in      the      storm      ,      because      the      line      took      him      from      you      ,      gave      him      back      to      you      in      pieces      you      know      not      how      to      fix      but      [      𝙮𝙤𝙪      𝙖𝙧𝙚      𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙙      𝙩𝙤      𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙𝙮      𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧      𝙥𝙖𝙡𝙢𝙨      ,      𝙩𝙤      𝙘𝙪𝙩      𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛      𝙨𝙤      𝙙𝙚𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙮      𝙩𝙝𝙚      𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙨      𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙      𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙡𝙚      𝙤𝙪𝙩      ,      𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙      𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙡𝙚      𝙤𝙪𝙩      𝙖𝙣𝙙      𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙩      𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙫𝙚𝙨      𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠      𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙      𝙩𝙝𝙚      𝙧𝙞𝙗𝙗𝙤𝙣𝙨      𝙤𝙛      𝙝𝙞𝙨      𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙨      𝙖𝙣𝙙      ——-      𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑽𝑰𝑬      ,      𝑰      𝑪𝑨𝑵      𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑹      𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹      𝑺𝑴𝑰𝑳𝑬      𝑭𝑹𝑶𝑴      𝑨𝑪𝑹𝑶𝑺𝑺      𝑻𝑯𝑬      𝑺𝑬𝑨      .      ]      but      you      hold      yourself      still      ,      lean      back      against      the      door      even      as      your      fingertips      itch      ,      even      as      your      eyes      burn      with      the      need      to      hold      and      —-      you      look      away      ,      place      palms      inside      the      ridges      of      your      pockets      if      only      to      force      them      steady      .      ❛      i      can      look      after      myself      ,      y’know      .  .  .      ❜      𝗯𝘂𝘁      𝗶      𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁      𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁      𝘁𝗼      ,      𝗶      𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁      𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁      𝘁𝗼      ,      𝗶      𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁      —-      ❛      besides      ,      s’not      like      i      have      hydra      to      worry      about      anymore      .      ❜      gaze      flickers      back      to      his      own      ,      assessment      of      form      the      way      brows      pull      into      pained      frown      ,      ❛      𝐘𝐎𝐔’𝐕𝐄      𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍      𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐄      𝐎𝐅      𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓      .      ❜    

@spliitsoul

          lips twitch and there is the EDGE of a smile trying to form-- wants to curl upwards and for a moment, there are bright flashes.   cocky boy, hair shorter-- swagger to his step that is pure confidence, not something brought about by the weight of metal where flesh once was.       can HEAR his voice now--- come one stevie, ya can’t stay mad at me if ya tried.    ( would he say the same to you? or does he look at you, and see a monster? does he see a thief? ) 

  nails bite sharply into skin of palms and you like to think it HELPS-- that pain solidifies, grounds you in this moment.   do not think about how that was THEIR technique.    --you are the only one that matters. WINTER, the soldier, the one who tears down empires and   -- and destroys anyone that would hurt HIM, apparently.     

( because now he’s beneath your skin, and there’s no escaping it-- he means something to you. to HIM. feels as though he is the very ground beneath your feet.  or-- MAYBE he’s the gravity in fact, the very thing that holds you to this earth.    -- ‘STEVIE, i’ve never been a saint, but loving you is the purest thing i’ve ever done.’    --how might he feel if you’d ever shared thoughts etched into paper for nobody but yourself to know?  ) 

          “you have always been bad at looking after yourself.”  words come so easily even to raw throat and-- you wish you could fully connect the dots. could piece it together, why you know that.   but all you have is feelings. flickering, PIECES of memory that are spliced-- that jump around like old film haphazardly thrown together.  there was once a full image, but it’s not something you can access. all you get are flickerings and FEELINGS.  you know things, but don’t know how or why or their exact source.    it’s enough.   

--enough to assure you that where you are is the right place to be. 

          “someone’s gotta do it. better me, than you. this way keeps you safe.” 

[lifeinpoetry]

Wouldn’t we tear seas, cities, money to get to each other?

— Sarah Gambito, from “Grace,” published in Poetry

[aetrnm-deactivated20200425]

@spliitsoul

[spliitsoul]

aetrnm·:

@spliitsoul

you feel the words creep up throat like bruising , burning . the way his hand feels water trench where there should be leaves , how you’re voice catches upon his palms in ways that feel wrong feel wrong ( feel violent in opposition to softened grace ) . how you choke out , ’ stay for me , ’ reddened lips and battered heart , ’ if you leave me alone in this world ill turn into something terrible . ill turn into the nasty creature that’s growing inside me . this war will swallow me whole . ’

it ECHOES within cold chest-- caverns of heart you always thought empty now seem to BRIM with life. for so long, there was only the cold of WINTER. how empty, and vast it stretched out before you-- blanketed EVERYTHING.  nothing ever cracked through, no signs, no signals that there had ever been anything else but this. 

                                                                миссия.                                                                   кровь.                                                             уничтожить.                                                               повторять.   

NOTHING ELSE.  you lose track of how many years it has been this way. when the repeated process is all you come to know, things like TIME cease to exist. there is nothing, but the cycle. 

                                  ( until he comes along-- and the cycle is broken. ) 

words ricochet around skull now too and where they had clutched at heart, they now take root, CEMENT in frayed mind.    --chair comes back to mind. WIPE HIM.  i knew him.   it all cracks back into focus before-- 

your body lies in a dug out in the dirt. the air is silent. there is a breath of warmth at your side, the only piece you have out here in the dead of night.  how many hours have you been here? WAITING. his SMILE still manages to shine through it all.  QUICK JOKES, whispered to one another. 

the vibrancy of the ocean-- salt in your hair. taste of ketchup on your tongue, and the spread of his smile again.  what you wouldn’t give just to SEE THAT SMILE ONE MORE TIME as--- 

PAIN radiates through you. the burn of a knife. the sharpness of a needle. the torture. endless. endless. numbers, rank, name. repeat. again and again. a clutch, a pathetic grip on failing sanity. 

                                                       and what you wouldn’t give to see that smile-- 

blink rapidly, tears roll down eyes and --  “steve?” name falls from lips like a prayer and you feel the TERROR roll over you. not him. NOT HIM. god, you cannot breathe without him-- feel air BURN your lungs and it’s like coming to life all over again as you look into those bright blue eyes and -- 

i won’t let this war swallow you whole. i won’t let them hurt you. i will protect you, forever. till--- THE END OF THE LINE. 

drag his body from the water, and promise yourself again-- NOT HIM. you won’t ever hurt HIM. 

[aetrnm-deactivated20200425]

“ 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚒𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚊 𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚕𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚘𝚘𝚛. ” ( 𝚜𝚎𝚋𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚊𝚗 @ 𝚝𝚘𝚖 ) @spliitsoul

            𝑭𝑶𝑹𝑴      𝑹𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑺      𝑨𝑮𝑨𝑰𝑵𝑺𝑻      𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻      𝑬𝑫𝑮𝑬      .      robes      untucked      in      relaxed      fashion      ,      the      way      you      are      open      heartbeat      before      the      weight      of      his      gaze      ,      caress      of      magic      band      it      is      as      familiar      to      you      as      the      breath      drawn      from      lung      motion      .      𝐛𝐨𝐲      𝐨𝐟      𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐞      𝐚𝐧𝐝      𝐚𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞      ,      𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐬𝐭      𝐢𝐟      𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲      𝐭𝐨      𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩      𝐭𝐡𝐞      𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫      𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧      ,      if      only      to      compress      the      violence      which      rips      apart      the      seams      of      your      soul      like      object      you      hid      the      shard      within      ,      upon      ,      among      .      broken      .      glass      points      of      chipped      teeth      you      once      used      to      bite      down      upon      flesh      but      now      it      is      torn      asunder      beneath      the      demolition      of      expectations      :      dreams      woven      from      golden      fingertips      [      𝘢𝘯𝘥      𝘩𝘦      𝘪𝘴      𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘳      ,      𝘩𝘦      𝘪𝘴      𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘳      𝘩𝘦      𝘪𝘴      ——-      𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘯      ]      .      you      sigh      .      place      the      diary      in      curve      of      draw      to      shield      from      wandering      gaze      because      you      are      ripped      raw      and      stripped      bare      ,      the      way      wound      aches      bruise      within      shift      of      skin      and      you      cannot      trace      the      ridges      of      its      fold      and      he      is      the      balm      and      you      are      the      blood      .      𝐎𝐅      𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐒      𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓      𝐀𝐑𝐄      𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐃      𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐒𝐎𝐍      .      you      wonder      if      his      are      of      the      same      hue      [      𝑦𝑜𝑢      𝑤𝑜𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟      𝑤𝘩𝑦      𝑡𝘩𝑒      𝑡𝘩𝑜𝑢𝑔𝘩𝑡      𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙𝑠      𝑎      𝑙𝑜𝑡      𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒      𝘩𝑜𝑝𝑒      𝑏𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑎𝑡𝘩      𝑡𝘩𝑒      𝑑𝑟𝑢𝑚      𝑜𝑓      𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟      𝘩𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑠      𝑎𝑛𝑑      —      ]      ❛      it      was      not      my      intention      to      ,      ❜      you      murmur      ,      snake      skin      through      stone      tunnels      long      shed      upon      length      of      time      and      there      is      an      exhaustion      within      your      gaze      settled      beneath      marrow      of      bone      ,      𝙝𝙤𝙬      𝙝𝙞𝙨      𝙫𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚      𝙘𝙤𝙖𝙭𝙚𝙨      𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣      𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢      𝙩𝙝𝙚      𝙘𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙨      ,      𝙥𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧      𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢      𝙩𝙝𝙚      𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙢      .      ❛      i      have      been      distracted      as      of      late      .  .  .      ❜      the      way      you      sit      beside      him      .      feel      warmth      beside      your      cold      like      flame      to      strip      of      wax      ,      ignition      the      goal      and      explosion      the      key      and      you      reach      out      palm      .      cup      it      gently      upon      the      lining      of      his      cheek      [      𝘢𝘯𝘥      𝘺𝘰𝘶      𝘢𝘳𝘦      𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨      ,      𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨      ———      𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘵      ]      ,      whisper      ,      ❛      𝑭𝑶𝑹𝑮𝑰𝑽𝑬      𝑴𝑬      ?      ❜

[aetrnm-deactivated20200425]

𝑯𝑶𝑾   𝑫𝑬𝑬𝑷   𝑰𝑵𝑺𝑰𝑫𝑬   𝑴𝑬   𝑪𝑶𝑼𝑳𝑫   𝑯𝑬   𝑺𝑬𝑬  ?

𝙩𝙤𝙢 && 𝙨𝙚𝙗𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣 . ` ' . `. @spliitsoul

[waldorfia-deactivated20201014]

Georgina Sparks + best quotes

[spliitsoul]

Arms wrap around waist , soft swish of robes as fingertips trace the etchings of buttons and you breathe in his scent, consume breadth of soul. Murmur softly into the skin of his neck, ‘ I do so hate being ignored, Sebastian.’ ( FROM TOM )

s o f t !! // @aetrnm​​​ 

          the press of him against you, attempting to encompass all attention is not missed-- and the words are not IGNORED. because you know of their importance, know how much it can take for him to ADMIT such things. while it is hardly a chore for him to take from a person, to actually admit something such as this, and essentially, ask or the attention-- well, that you KNOW becomes rather difficult. 

  although in knowing this, it does not mean you give in.  --after all, neither one of you are exactly any good at this. both can be needy, downright demanding at times with one another, but it doesn’t mean either of you are easy to relent. 

  and so-- eyes remain fixed. fingertips tap against the wood of the table you stand before and the spoon swirls in cauldron upon command as you re-read haphazardly written notes from the night before when you had woken in a sweat, mind brimming with ideas from another age. 

          “i think perhaps, you won’t mind me ignoring you just a tad longer, tom. not once i’m finished here and you discover what i’m up to.” intensely focused gaze falters for a moment, eyes just about moving for a quick corner glance, catching the sight of his curls against your shoulder and there is an undeniable fondness that comes, warming you to the core.    without word, free hand comes down to touch across his own, feather light touches across the back of his hand. “shouldn’t be much longer, i promise. then i’m all yours.” 

[aetrnm-deactivated20200425]

“Take this gift, for the gods surely won’t.” ( okay but veris @ actual anakin thoouughh ;D;D )

            𝑯𝑬      𝑰𝑺      𝑻𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑪𝑳𝑬      𝑰𝑵      𝑨      𝑪𝑼𝑷      𝑾𝑯𝑰𝑪𝑯      𝑪𝑨𝑵𝑵𝑶𝑻      𝑩𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑲      .      the      sinking      of      molasses      into      bone      and      you      are      reeled      in      by      sticky      sugar      finger      painting      along      point      of      soul      ,      the      way      your      tongue      wishes      to      flick      out      if      only      for      the      taste      of      something      sweeter      than      the      balance      of      all      things      :      falling      ,      is      a      deeper      feel      ,      a      greater      pull      than      the      settling      of      your      form      upon      weighted      scales      ,      𝐡𝐨𝐰      𝐲𝐨𝐮      𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩      𝐢𝐭      𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦      𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠      𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫      ,      𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠      𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞      .      and      his      words      are      the      hook      and      the      nectar      ,      the      way      you      feel      oppressive      heat      of      his      power      like      the      fire      of      your      blade      ,      the      anger      of      your      grief      as      you      slew      them      for      daring      to      lay      a      hand      upon      one      you      so      adored      [      𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑      ,      𝐂𝐀𝐍      𝐘𝐎𝐔      𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋      𝐌𝐄      𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓      𝐓𝐇𝐄      𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒      ?      ]      .      and      you      trust      him      .      here      and      now      and      always      .      any      version      of      his      eyes      which      gaze      upon      you      with      such      adoration      you      feel      free      to      hate      ,      free      to      cry      ,      free      to      love      .      [      𝙛𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙡      𝙗𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙙      𝙗𝙤𝙮      ,      𝙙𝙤      𝙮𝙤𝙪      𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬      𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧      𝙥𝙖𝙡𝙢𝙨      𝙖𝙧𝙚      𝙣𝙤𝙩      𝙬𝙞𝙙𝙚      𝙚𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝      𝙩𝙤      𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙮      𝙩𝙝𝙚      𝙜𝙖𝙡𝙖𝙭𝙮      𝙞𝙣      𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧      𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨      ?      𝙙𝙤      𝙮𝙤𝙪      𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬      𝙝𝙞𝙨      𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩      𝙞𝙨      𝙩𝙤𝙤      𝙗𝙞𝙜      𝙛𝙤𝙧      𝙮𝙤𝙪      𝙩𝙤      𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙙      𝙞𝙣      𝙩𝙝𝙚      𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚      𝙤𝙛      𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧      𝙧𝙞𝙗      𝙘𝙖𝙜𝙚      ?      𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱      𝘆𝗼𝘂      𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲      𝘂𝗽      𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿      𝗼𝘄𝗻      ,      𝗶𝗳      𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆      𝘁𝗼      𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄      𝗵𝗶𝘀      𝘁𝗼      𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲      ?      ]      .      lips      part      as      you      take      a      step      forward      ,      steel      to      cheek      and      rod      to      bone      and      you      are      the      fish      within      the      pond      of      temple      walls      ,      WALKING      AND      SWIMMING      AND      HOPING      FOR      SOMETHING      GREATER      THAN      OCEAN      CHILL      .      [      𝑡𝘩𝑒𝑟𝑒      𝑖𝑠      𝑎      𝑐𝘩𝑖𝑙𝑑      𝑎𝑛𝑑      𝑎      𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑚      ,      𝑑𝑜      𝑦𝑜𝑢      𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑙      𝑤𝘩𝑖𝑐𝘩      𝑚𝑖𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑙𝑒      𝑐𝑎𝑚𝑒      𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡      ?      ]      .      and      he      is      close      and      you      are      aching      ,      for      the      touch      of      skin      on      skin      ,      of      hope      on      breath      ,      of      an      admission      you      know      your      version      of      this      man      cannot      give      .      you      lean      in      and     ———-      𝘺𝘰𝘶      𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩      𝘵𝘰      𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘭      ,      𝘺𝘰𝘶      𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩      𝘵𝘰      𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘭      ,      𝘺𝘰𝘶      𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩      𝘵𝘰      ——      swallow      ,      feel      brows      pull      into      the      shadow      of      confusion      /      frustration      ,      at      the      knowledge      of      your      flaw      .      whisper      ,      ❛      𝒀𝑶𝑼      𝑨𝑹𝑬      𝑻𝑹𝒀𝑰𝑵𝑮      𝑻𝑶      𝑻𝑬𝑴𝑷𝑻      𝑴𝑬      .  .  .      ❜      finger      clench      in      shape      of      fist      ,      relax      in      light      of      words      ,      ❛      i      ——      ❜      funny      how      you      do      not      pull      away      because      [      ——      𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫      𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐬      𝐭𝐨      𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫      ,      𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫      𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐬      𝐭𝐨      𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞      ,      𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞      𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐬      𝐭𝐨      𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠      ———      𝐛𝐮𝐭      𝐨𝐡      ,      𝐡𝐨𝐰      𝐲𝐨𝐮      𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠      𝐭𝐨      𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐞      ]      ,      ❛      i      will      not      be      swayed      by      your      lies      :      obi      wan      has      already      told      me      you      mean      us      harm      .  .  .      have      you      not      toyed      with      me      enough      ?      ❜      𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎      ,      𝚍𝚘      𝚗𝚘𝚝      𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎      𝚖𝚎      𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚜𝚎      .

@spliitsoul : , ‘ ` , ‘ b y e

[themadknightuniverse]

[aetrnm-deactivated20200425]

@spliitsoul

[spliitsoul]

❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ from Marion @ ghost melkor

//  @aetrnm

          pale form seems to GLISTEN beneath the starlight– and you imagine this to be as HOLY as you have looked in an age.  blackened skin is muted, something odd, of another world– precisely what you have always been, but even MORE SO now, in this strange and disconnected form of so called existence. 

  hands long to reach out, run through flaming hair and pull him close and– whisper sweet words. the promise of oblivion. of those who would harm you, lay waste. their empire burned to ash, and their HOPE torn asunder. 

( how you would kneel, offering him the ash and decaying bones. watch with amused smile and flaming eyes as he reformed them, FORGED into something new, something warped and so far from original intent. ) 

  if you had a heart, it might snap in this moment, faced with the constant, undeniable truth that you no longer play a part in this tale. mere observer in the unfolding of events.  unable to even keep your loose foot on this reality at all times. 

( and it sickens you to have such little control over when and where you shall appear, it sickens you to not be able to COME TO HIM when you so desire it. ) 

               this is perhaps, the most painful torment and punishment of them all. 

  shimmering hand reaches out– the gesture falling through but at least he can SEE you try, know the intent to have and hold and cherish. 

          “i loathe to see you in such pain, my love. if i could lift it, i would. but even more, if i could DESTROY THEM for separating us, i would do that first. they deserve no rest, no comfort for daring do this to us.”  shaky sigh as you look to him and– flash back to first glances. how instantly he captivated you, took your heart with barely even a look.  “i’d make them suffer for an age for doing a single thing that would hurt you. they would know no peace, no end to the torment.” 

[spliitsoul]

“good boys don’t talk.” ( from Dany to Vis )

//  @aetrnm​  

          brow snaps upward– eyes coming to narrow a moment later and you take a LONG MOMENT to pause, to tilt head and burn eyes into her own.  a challenge burning through your bones, a savagery wishing to BREAK FREE.  even in rebirth, it didn’t stop the quickness of fire, the way anger can rising within you like woken dragon.   

( only now– you can scoff, laugh at it’s target. because she should NEVER have been the target of any of it, and it is ridiculous to think she ever was. ) 

  shaking head, you move, raise from chair and move towards her, pausing only to dramatically bow before rising again, grin spreading wider on lips with each passing moment.  

          “of course my queen.”  hand comes to rest over heart as you sigh, “but– when have i EVER been good?” 

[spliitsoul]

“ i had to be hurt by you. ” ( from Dany )

//  @aetrnm  

          there is a strange sense of power to her words– a true RECLAIMING that you could never achieve.  you longed to be better, to rise above the words and actions of others and be a GOOD king– ruthless, but still a good one, what the people deserved after the utter LIES and poison spread in regards to the family. you wanted to be able to right the wrongs, but after years in exile, how WARPED you became– how the world changed you for the worse. 

( something your pride for the longest time, would not let you admit. it is only in the cleansing of fire and rebirth that you have new CLARITY. –and you are not surprised to see the same sense of control and clear judgement in her eyes. only on her part, it is far more direct. guided. a single goal you have no doubt she will actually achieve, where you had failed. ) 

  fingertips tap against arms where they remain crossed over chest. head tilts as your gaze drags over her slowly, expression PLAIN as you allow the words to further sink in, the truth of them to echo within. 

          “and i won’t apologise for it. we’re hardly in the habit of forgiveness nor regret. everything led to where we are today, and for that, i am happy.” pause before letting arms fall to side and you finally take a step closer– allow hand to reach out, fingertips touch along the curve of her cheek.  sharpness that lie there and– no, this is no child any more. hasn’t been for a long time. perhaps if you’d have realised that, and seen the potential that burned within her, things would have gone differently.     

  but again, you’re not one for regrets. things unwound exactly as they were meant to, and you are thankful for the path it has now placed you upon. 

          “i won’t hurt you again though, dany. that i vow. YOU are my queen, and there is no-one else i would see on the throne. i will do all i can to help you in this.”