Reception

[splitserotonin]

Pt.2

It's overwhelming in certain aspects to think that I will "forever" be in this back & forth within myself. Swallowing addiction was & is still a challenge but it's seemingly rough to admit that I am anticipating the flop or flip to whatever disposition I may be able to maintain. Realistically, you can always be creating things to work on therefore you'll always be able to make the self-judgement arise. I still don't get the willingness that others have when it comes to living. The appeal still bewilders me & although I haven't been having as many intense thoughts of suicide, I'll continue to question the thought. It's quite contradicting to state that nothing has ever felt truly natural but things have always found their way to me even if I'm having to interpret in my own ways. I just hope I find some relief within this journey that way my poor over-wired brain could ease up.

I've been idolizing old behaviors too, btw. A downer of some sort to put me to sleep would be more than a dream come true. Hoping just from holidays & added stress. Something to keep in my awareness.

[splitserotonin]

Morning' Goddesses

You are music. You are love, light & the dimly lit areas only you shine for. You are the melody of your favorite songs. The guitar lick in American Wedding by Frank Ocean. You are capable of leaving whatever does not benefit or suit you. You are the change you'd like to see.

[splitserotonin]

2:20 am

you still run my mind

2009 will play on repeat until i let my mind accept the fact it knows how to lie & decieve much more effectively than I've acknowledged.

I should not think of you the way I do.

I have enough pain to last this life time.

Yet, within my bones I still crave the "goodbye" that radiated from within me.

I want to share all that I've found with you. The good, indifferent, bad. Especially the ugly, in hopes you'd laugh. With me. With so much new & fresh love to give, I'm afraid. You'll always be the attention & affection I crave.

Wish you would have told me this is how it would be.

Me, drinking 4 shots. Just to see if I could truly see you at the end of my bed. Waiting on my floor for you.

[splitserotonin]

Comfort. Possibly losing my mind to it lately. Depression or contentment? Out-side views are always great.

Should definitely be more active & social that I am today. Yet, when I arrive to events I choose to include no sense of effort.

Running was a fun experience after laying in bed throwing a little pity party. Out of shape. I'll focus on the leg pains instead of the usual emotional ones. Interests are often the last symptom I catch as I realize I do nothing other than meet minimal needs. Chemicals you cannot scale & visually see are more challenging (as is everything else) when there's no movement going on. Stimulation seems helpful yet the complete loss of it also makes sense. Sneezes are always helpful for a kick-starter of dopamine. Coffee & nicotine rarely do me in as I'd please after being utilized for so many years. Well, perhaps in the early mornings before anyone's awake to sense you enjoying it. Secrets, I feel, also begin to seem sweeter. I've been told that's bad. Whatever.

[splitserotonin]

Streams

I wonder how the properties of water & the sound plays into the larger picture to help with tranquility & if there's a ranged frequency for it.

The running & consistency in pressure & flow that I find myself enjoying hasn't been an experience I often receive. Soft, yet firm within the sound of its presence. Very much reminds me of white noise. The peaceful break from my badly trained monkey mind & it's ability to pause given outside help from nature is one I hold close.

[splitserotonin]

I've been able to outgrow everything that I needed to except for her. As the miles racked up, I found it easier to forget about things or people that weren't in front of me. Distance was always so pitiful in comparison to my love & devotion for her. Everyone else was so far away, yet I kept her so close. She claimed that she resided somewhere between the thoughts in her brain & the skipped beats of her heart. I must admit that I believed she would be there for me. It's not the first time that I had been wrong but it's the only time that's left me wondering how the fuck I could have been so decieved.

[splitserotonin]

I would fade away & the last thing that I saw & felt was what I misrepresented as your love. Feeling that was truly what I was wanting. Searching for it like a substance that was something not even I would intend to share. Funny, really. You'd be there when I awoke, almost waiting.

[splitserotonin]

I slept for 4 hours. 4 hours of sweet oblivion and the false hope that I would not have to wake up. I felt my chest pound when I was finally able to open my eyes. Each time I sleep, I feel as though I am not in my body or mind. I can actually think & be whatever, whomever, wherever. There's your answer to how I feel; sleep is my only way out.

[splitserotonin]

Since you left, I've always had a hard time explaining how I am & what I want. I really don't know why, you are the only thing I can seem to fit into words. Distancing myself or, as my father calls it "running", has always been a strong suit of mine. Yet ever since you looked in my direction I've found it hard to run anywhere else but back to you.

Since you left I am constantly having to remind myself of your absence, that the love my mind and body craves will never return. I close my eyes every night hoping that you are already sleeping and now awake at the ungodly hours I am. Your beauty has always required you to have more than others.

Since you left I don't see things the same. I think I'm always looking for things that pertain to you. Even when I succeed and find a Honda Pilot on the highway, I find myself upset.

[deviika]

Jane O. Wayne // Kate Jacobs

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

-Bylthe baird, if my body could speak

[chillpotato]

Mieko Kawakami, from 'Heaven'

[m86-deactivated20171116]

[triprobellant-deactivated201709]

Dobby Pussy Indulgence

[triprobellant-deactivated201709]

Dobby Pussy Indulgence

[triprobellant-deactivated201709]

The Pope Walks Into The Shop. Bangs His Sceptre On The Ground. And Demands A Dobby Pussy Indulgence

[margbarcis]

Posts That Changed The World

[splitserotonin]

Thank you for allowing me a sense of hope. You know my truth & I hope my will doesn't prove to be of struggle. Teach & help me to love, be, & reflect that of which you've shown me.

Just for today: Help me raise my frequency so it may resonate with the sounds of your love.

[funnytwittertweets]

[cly321r]

[rnismatch]

you dumb asshole, you just won $0,000

[tiredmess]

reasons to stay alive

1. discovering yourself (you are worth discovering) 2. how silly people get when they’re sleepy 3. sitting in hammocks 4. long hugs 5. going to the zoo 6. carving pumpkins 7. cute baby animals 8. kissing in the rain 9. singing 10. the smell of baking cookies 11. picnics 12. warm blankets when it’s cold 13. you are so loved 14. octobers 15. staying up all night and sleeping in 16. water balloon fights 17. making babies smile 18. movie marathons 19. foreign cities, languages, people & foods 20. those “this never leaves the room” moments 21. rainbows 22. you will be missed 23. drinking hot chocolate/coffee/tea 24. binge-watching a series 25. slow dances 26. you are never alone 27. meeting new people 28. traveling 29. watermelon in the summer 30. sunsets 31. naps 32. road trips 33. finally understanding what something means 34. late night phone calls 35. listening to rainstorms 36. cuddling 37. climbing trees 38. going for walks 39. doing crazy things with your best friends 40. getting married some day 41. kind comments from others 42. tears of joy 43. drawing 44. cartoons 45. laughing really hard 46. making other people happy 47. sleeping in 48. doing things that would make your parents angry if they knew 49. jumping in puddles 50. getting lost 51. flowers 52. you are needed warm showers 53. fireflies 54. undiscovered forests 55. art 56. really good books 57. finding love of all kinds 58. jumping really high on a trampoline 59. hugging 60. full moons 61. crunchy leaves 62. see yourself recover 63. concerts 64. stargazing 65. kisses 66. secrets and promises 67. autumn leaves 68. knowing all of the lyrics to a song 69. orgasms 70. the smell after rain 71. getting handwritten letters in the mail 72. halloween 73. clean sheets 74. the first snow of the winter 75. petting puppies 76. city lights 77. late night walks 78. building forts 79. smiling in the middle of a kiss 80. people care about you 81. you are important 82. bonfires 83. thunder storms 84. having kids if you want 85. getting hickies 86. sunrises 87. when a baby holds on to one of your fingers with its whole hand 88. going to comic con 89. kind strangers 90. bowties 91. tree houses 92. music 93. solo dance parties in your room 94. new video games 95. long drives 96. being awake when everyone else is asleep 97. eye sex 98. smiling at strangers 99. onesies 100. you could save someone’s life 101. the sky and it’s pretty colours 102. suspenders 103. walks on the beach 104. sitting on rooftops 105. paint fights 106. there will be a time you’ll see that you’re glad you didn’t do it 107. pillow fights 108. lying on grass and watching clouds 109. you matter 110. watching fireworks 111. graduating 112. snow cones 113. bay windows 114. silence that isn’t awkward 115. messy hair 116. when you start smiling and can’t stop