Diary-uh, of Thoughts

To do is to be ~ Socrates To be is to do ~ Plato Do-Be Do-Be Dooo ~ Sinatra BeDoo•Beeep•Be•Be•Dooo ~ R2D2

[spoke-n-languish]

This blog is a place where I expel negativity so that it doesn’t build up within and also to shout at or question the community without actually going outside to shout at or question my community.

[spoke-n-languish]

Is there in this reality even one singular sensational woman who is not attached to an overly preventative male that would be willing to allow me to have a single practice round before the conclusion of this event because whether or not children are watching is the responsibility of their parents. I don’t personally care if I am being watched as long as the watchers don’t get in the way or become preventatively over-attached themselves as they have… maintain your distance outside of my bubble and things could continue to your own desire to see. The only quandary then becomes if there is a female, a woman, a lady (with all the requisite parts and no extra bits that would make those terms definitively incorrect) who doesn’t mind being shown enjoying herself as she would be whether receiving pleasure, giving pleasure or preferably both… for fucks’ sake!

[spoke-n-languish]

Why was my lifetime something that needed to be administered? What was so wrong with the direction I was taking? If lives are measured in years, how much of mine has been taken without anything being offered in return? Now that I am too old to be worth the bother, is there balm for my aching soul? When there are no answers forthcoming does that mean that the answers are not known or that the sharing of such is too painful for them to be told… because I have proven time and again that I can handle the pain. It seems that those with the answers are not so sure if they will survive the telling.

[spoke-n-languish]

A Missed-Steak In Time Was 2mo. Early Anyways

I had been planning to order myself a steak dinner to-go tonight to treat myself for Father’s Day, except that RWC’s closed for the night because it would seem everyone once again gathered together (w/o me) to discuss how to handle my inability to handle real life anymore… and I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Yesterday I’d understood someone anonymously say that I don’t even need to eat anything and it would just be a waste of money that I’m not even earning for myself yet. So I thought I would make a statement about saving “laundry money” by not ever getting dressed since there isn’t anyone around to offend except for a large portion of my ever-vigilant cloud-voyeurs… although some seemed to not mind as much (the general consensus of course still being that I am not ever going to ever be able to attract any person who has been alive at any point within the last 47 or so (but in particular, the last two years specifically…

I really hope that whatever is decided on my behalf does not halve the same effect on my performance as a man, because I also had intended to understand some way to dramatically do something (anything) that would make your debate lean towards allowing me to continue my mission of “making things better for all.” I am still not clear on what would suffice to do as such, but I’m pretty sure that anyone tuning in to my 8-chan (never 4-) today, would have only had negative assumptions reinforced instead of thinking I am capable of having any positive function at all. I strongly feel that this should not be finished without providing a cathartic restoration for the community at large (as well as for all you who’ve gone way above and beyond personally trying to help me). I have offered as many possible solutions as I could think of but admittedly I have a very limited knowledge of what has been done and why or how anything could be turned into the sort of thing that people would be proud to remember their role in accomplishing. I am seriously not very good with consistency lately (another dy-zfun-ction I hope will recover), but my desire has not ever wavered.

Without having any truth to go from I worry that everything I say and do makes things worse, and I don’t want to cause harm or hurt anyone. If anything I can do or say may be of any help, please, let me be… and if I cannot, please let me be.

Despite my resolve in sticking to purpose, many find it hard to accept that I really mean it (I’d heard because some think I only say that because I don’t have any other choice). This is true, I honestly do not think that I have any other option. However, inferring, that when any other option may present I would immediately change my tune does not vibe with me. To prove my conviction (which at this point sort of feels like it shouldn’t be necessary, but…) the very fact of the matter is that throughout the entire time under constant supervision I have not ever acted in any other fashion or regard. Even back when I first became aware of your attention I always insisted and still do that I do not want anyone to get in any trouble for their actions during this experience, and back then I still had a variety of ways to go about things and was continuously refusing the good counsel of friends who were advising me to pursue legal action in my own defense… because I understood then as I do now that to do so would undermine my actual dream from ever having a chance to come to fruition.

I do not understand what has happened nor what was expected to happen, but I’ve gained a fair insight into what went wrong in many people’s point-of-view. I have, to the best of my knowledge, acted as honorably and selflessly as my humility will allow me to take credit for, and despite what appears to be the general consensus I do truly believe that I have not done anything wrong, which is why I really suck at trying to make myself into the villainous kraven that some people might also be trying to make me out to be (and yet still others seem to be dead set on trying to convert me into a psychopathic monster). Once again (just like when you all and I had teamed-up to try and break my spirit), even working in tandem towards a common goal we have not, from my perspective, actually been successful which kind of makes me wonder why there would be any point in continuing to try - I’ve spent an entire lifetime grooming myself to be willing to sacrifice for the ones I love (recognizing that certain individuals with a vastly different understanding have had their perspective shared much more liberally, does in no way diminish how I feel about myself).

I do not have a hero-“fetish” as I’ve heard some describe {which may be a false statement, but it’s not something I’ve ever explored at any rate} — but I do actually dream of being somebody’s hero someday (and I never intended to be a \S/ running around in tank-top & speedo). I have just always tried to be a person who would be viewed as a gallant cavalier of virtue or the type known to always be there if there is ever need; and you know what… I am. That is exactly the type of person I am which is why I cannot figure out why I am forever hearing that I need to “show my work ethic” and “earn back people’s trust”. In all fairness, I can see how things could look if one had only recently become privy to my world as unconventional as it has been and especially how it has lately become, and without my personal perspective I am sure there would be a pretty big schism in realities.

I have very good reasons for why I behave the way I do and if anything I do or have done appears questionable to your sensibilities, then perhaps instead of continuing to hold onto judgements that aren’t lining-up ‘universally parallel’ with the deeds I have truly done undeniably providing evidence in support of my opinion, creating an avenue for open, clear and direct (hopefully someday maybe even privately secure) communication might clear things up.

I don’t want to start any “new beginnings” without first fixing what has gone wrong nor without the answers which would grant closure and prevent past mysteries from shackling me into immobility. I am not seeking retribution, I seek escape from the ball & chain-gang-bang circus maximus within which at town-square I have become stockaded and debtrified unable to sojourn and without any answers - the key for release - I am homeward’d-alone-bound with too much humour and never for jest. But, if I may offer one last slight suggestion… though able to find a way for the bricks to help in escaping the quicksand-castletrap (the one after the windmill), in this new version of personally specialized Gehenna (w/o 🔴cross or 🔵shield) perhaps something softer might be lobbed my way instead of sticks/stones/et al. maybe tomatoes, mon amż petit chou, because then, (I could nevar want to hurt you) I would make certain you receive full-stars in re’view, always I love you, my dJkzł2llρκςςlziDήcwktzrj́h¡Pd4|7βτιmy ~ J\Γ

[spoke-n-languish]

I am not a saint, but neither am I a sinner… and forever, I am not “sandy-claws”: trying to hide a mess, “a sent’mental-in clown”: entertainment for anyone’s 3-ring circus, “insanity clause”: my delusions of squalor are not drafted to get out of Dodge without due diligence shown, “Mz/s.δeηπ¿¢‘°?c”: I’m≠1d2-faced grinchmas(gnome)past shelf-life~O4gettin’cookies/toys&4givin’gourmilk…

Please, understand that although I have a gift for self-depravating sarcasm which tends to (+/-) both humbly lower my perceived appearance from that of an egotistical ass-hat to a more awkwardly-comfortable level which allows ruffled feathers to calm down and eventrally umbrellas me from being pecked to death under a sky-blacking cloud-swarm of incoming lit-pitched forks hurled by an angry mob of intellectual superiors, missile weapons lobbed by winged assailants above &… as well similarly from primary sapiens holdin’ home turf advantage here; and (-/+) in pendular-fashion underplays with my authoritative respect or aura of brilliance earned from whatever podium I’d just stepped to in addressing prior to deliverance (a hard lessen for one to understand perhaps in sacrifice albeit necessary for me indubitably).

Just as pretty as the above clearly is, to clarify, it doesn’t really say anything that hasn’t been said. My desire to find and hold positive in balance is not an “act” I am “playing at”. In correction, I have tried to explain that I am not doing anything wrong - if it helps, alright as I haven’t been well… fairly assessed. Roughly drafted is better than a premature out/¿Ꮴ?. Just chalk it up to showing incremental work progression towards making things better all-around.

The varied difficult faculty of communicating honestly with enrapt audience as a group sequestered individually (yet each alone having limited aperture in contrast by comparison for awareness of mutual shades in spectra, respectfully) to convey a final solution for an unsolvable problem with no requisite constant yet provided all known variables aren’t given from such an immutable stance permitted, in my mind isn’t as easy as it sounds. Perhaps as way of illumination I may describe things in biological terms.

Natural balance is always the outcome of any artificial adjustment in an ecosystem. This is an unerring fact. If any species is added, removed or reintroduced its niche within the environment creates ripples much as a stone thrown into a lake. The ripples eventually fade and the lake always returns to its natural placid state: that is natural balance. On a larger scale, human artifice has affected by cause of much bigger ripples to effectively and irrevocably change and even destroy entire ecosystems… temporarily. As once the machinations of mankind cease “rippling ” the scales back & forth, nature will evolve and once again find its level. The guiding principle in ecology is much like in medicine: first do no harm. I can’t say I know much about what is involved in technological or financial industries, but in biological ethics, Life is important (it’s right there in the title!). So, whether creating ripples or waves, it is important to understand the other organisms sharing your pond before cannon-balling directly for center mass. In all ways this immutable natural law is universally parallel to the philosophical social construct known as Karma: not the biblically subjective ‘Karma’ which seeks an “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” brand of justice/revenge which does adequately create a deterrent against crime but also, in the words of M.L. King Jr., “leaves everyone blind”. Ironically, ‘True “Blind” Justice’ (judgement without bias) tempers the thirst for vengeance (the need to set wrong to right and make things fair) with the understanding compassion of balance… which has the spirit of Karma, just applied subjectively.

[spoke-n-languish]

The vast majority of the time, no matter what it is that I am saying and irregardless how eloquently or precisely I detail my sentiments, the end result is that I am misunderstood.

I am not sure why this is exactly, because I try to choose my words very carefully to eliminate any definitive errors, and I believe I am more truthful than most people (certainly a great deal more honest than I am given credit for); not that I am better than anyone, I just have too much to gain by clear communication and too much to lose from deception. I do not seek to manipulate anyone or influence their decision through cunning and subterfuge belying ulterior motives… if anyone feels a change of view based on my words or actions, it should be from a sense of gained perspective based on a new understanding or sympathy from the heartfelt emotions which I pour into everything I do. (Is that manipulation? Yes, but it is akin to writing an essay on saving rainforest ecosystems ~ I am not asking anyone to do anything in particular, just raising awareness.) I definitely do NOT want anyone’s pity, but I do not want anybody’s enmity from misunderstood past judgements or false rumors which still seem to find purchase regardless of evidence or denial.

Unfortunately (and I know this sentiment alone has a habit of polarizing mindsets against me almost immediately, but it is tantamount to my current problems in every single aspect and so deserves mention), I am not healthy. I have not been physically healthy for the better part of a decade (I believe things started taking a serious turn in 2017), and since 2020 my mental health has been in decline also. I guess that’s a big part of why I’m trying this method of sharing again, because my memory of events has been getting foggier and foggier and I’m worried that if I don’t start recording it now, I may not be able to for much longer.

I have not had much help at all with identifying what is wrong with me, and as another twist of fate would have it a huge portion of the research I had done on my own recognizance was objectively found to be corrupted by then unknown outside influence or also subsequently lost permanently as far as I know as most of my notes were deleted. I have seen over fifty healthcare providers of varying level with no answer yet having been given. I do not however want to paint the health care system at large in a bad light, and I especially do not wish any doctor, nurse or medical practitioner of any field to be singled out by my words or to become targeted by the community at all as I understand may have happened in the past. To be 121% clear: I have a very profound and great respect for anyone who has devoted their time, efforts, finances, education, or desire towards the pursuit of HELPING their fellow man, woman, child, or pet because GIVING of oneself to help another is EXACTLY what society needs more of these days and everyone who has chosen to pursue such as a career should be praised, commended and rewarded not run out of town by a torch-wielding village mob as if they were Dr. Frankenstein. (I’m not saying that’s what happened… just that is what I want to prevent from happening.)

Mental health issues are not as easy to understand as they fall under that category of invisible ailments, and for the most part most of this is new material for me never having had to worry about these issues most of my life until just recently as mentioned. While I have not been clinically diagnosed in this area either, I have been suffering from what I would describe as ADHD (which I recognize is not a dysfunction on its own but rather a group of associated symptoms much like how a pediatrician might say a child has a cold instead of listing the usual runny nose, nausea, etc). …and I am mentioning this because currently I do find it extraordinarily difficult at times to stay focused on task sometimes for more than five minutes at a time so if I digress or just abruptly cut-off ~ well, it’s a work in progress and at least the idea behind it is progressive so I’m hoping a little lee-way might be afforded?

[spoke-n-languish]

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant. Discendo discimus.

I really have no way of knowing what anyone thinks of me or what they want from me… because not one person will speak honestly with me. I appreciate all of the work developing storylines and the myriad paths forward that you have presented for me to “Leap of Faith” down, but despite it all… it strikes me that still (despite all my mad rankings to the walls of this shithole prison that saddens and crushes me just for being present within it. But has it occurred to any of you “viewers” that I can’t (repeat for emphasis: CANNOT) do what you want me to and what I desperately desire to within the circumstances that you have put me in. It is not a preference choice like, “I have an allergy to cooked carrots… no, raw is fine - I’m only allergic to the cooked ones.” Clearly, made-up bullshit that we abide because we understand that (for whatever reason) they simply do not care for that option. What I have been trying to tell anyone but no one has heard, is that I cannot “take the plunge”, without some, any, maybe even just one tiny element of truth. This may sound petulant, or whiny to some, others I have heard say, “just look it up…everything is online if you would just try to look for yourself instead of having it spoon-fed to you like a baby.” This is not my issue… Because, as stated before, early on I detected that elements of data I perceived and currently try to filter through (with no other option) have been doctored, altered or just flat out fabricated, I have not been able to find any medium that was true. To add further clarification to the depth of illusion detected by the manipulations i toil under, let me list some of the mediums I am considering to be within this Decepti-Confidence Scam Set of things I currently hold to be untrustworthy (note: for me untrustworthy = not true, not real):

* Anything found online (including from social media sites, wiki or encyclopedia pages, medical journals, digital communication of any kind such as text or email)

* Anything heard or seen on the television (as this is another digital medium it also has proven to be quite malleable as a source of information)

* Phone conversations from unfamiliar voices (as without familiarity it is more difficult for me to qualify truths vs. falsehoods).

* Conversations overheard (typically intentionally) in passing.

* Conversations from familiar voices (sadly, every person I have spoken with has also been detected as being dishonest with me).

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Nimium ne crede colori.

*I feel this requires some more insight into my meaning. Yes, everyone, everywhere, lies all the time… that is inherent in the nature of communication as we all filter input through our belief systems so that any and all output is skewed from the Greater Truth which exists without perception only and in such fashion cannot exist. Also, I am not talking about all of the “little white lies” that exist to prevent shame, guilt, fear or pain - for others as well as ourselves. I am not referring to any stretching of truths about activities or events outside of those which are intended to influence my personal information (and therefore choices and actions). Yes, I have noted it in every single person I have talked to, sometimes subtle otherwise very brash and direct attempts to perpetuate this miasma of gas-lighting that permeates fully into every aspect of my life. It is intentional or at least cooperative psychological manipulation with the intention to control via filtration, alteration and inception the information that I receive as well as what I am able to send forth out into the community at large (such as it is). It is this factor I believe which has so deeply wounded my mental state as well as the very constitution of my sanity. What’s more I have also noticed the effective feedback derived from an assumption that I have been successfully misled whenever I delve at any level into exploring any of these presented misdirections… the ripples of which, increase in amplitude with each exploration with a palpable fervor of glee or excitement at “he’s falling for it”, or “we got him again”. What some may not realize is that in my dogmatic pursuit to unravel this knitted cocoon of deceits, imperfect truths and outright lies, that has snared me and binds me into the clichéd tangled web where I still struggle trying to free myself before I feel the dooming venom piercing into me. The toxic regret of living less than what could have been… should have been mine, if I’d only looked deeper, probed more fervently, or just blindly stumbled onto by happenstance. But as has been clearly understood by me ever since realization of the extent of influence being exerted upon me, as you control all data I receive, if you want it found it will be found… if you don’t, it won’t. So I will continue to struggle, I know not how to give up, but I do so with the knowledge of the futility of my actions as the results are not dependent on the measure of effort exerted so much as your assessment of whether or not I am ready for or worthy of receiving it.

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* Also to be included, all sights seen, sounds heard, scents smelled (and hence flavors tasted), sensations felt and all other physical perceptions have been (some more constantly than others) proven fallible under your machinations.

Claudus pedibus et iniquitatem bibens qui mittit verba per nuntium stultu.

The culminating magnitude of this doubt upon my already battle-worn and weary psyche, coupled with the riddle of Y intersects at an unfortunate exact point where my craZy honor rebels against tyrannical injustice or oppression (or even well-intended misunderstanding without shared communal eXpression) to where I predict the results to be worse for all, or at least all the worst for one in particular. Whether your intentions are to be my Mjolnir, or if you sit silently on high as an overlord surveying his vassals, I constantly hope that your scales of qualification are Balanced and Just… else I expect from here on naught but doom and ruin to oblivion.

Condemnant quo non intellegunt. Ingredior in meus calceus quod cos mos agnosco. Pars magna bonitatis est velle fieri bonum. Si vis amari, ama. Semper ubi, sub ubi.

[spoke-n-languish]

My Heart’s Very Desire Torn Away Page-by-Page

PLIK. TING. I can see each dream-vision, each option as a potential timeline radiating outward like spokes, but as more and more time passes they break free of the central hub (me in current state) and drift off like so many luft balloons then vanish into oblivion - except that their memory still exists within me as sadness memorials of regret… more wasted potential and lost opportunities. But I have been shackled here where I am and am not able to travel down any paths no matter how much I want to. CVUUF. GHEEJ. So I hold onto each thread as tightly as I can and try to prevent them from slipping away although all can see the inevitable loss as they are only intended as temporal windows to slip away out of this bleak hovel of decay into the night and the invigorating air of the unknowns chance and growth. KYANT. TCUP. Wistfully I strain to resist their being pulled out of my grasp but it is in futility. I do not fear these roads… I love and cherish them. I yearn for them. But I am unable to go. Whether you can see or understand why I am not, or whether you agree with my reasons or not means nothing to me, as I mean to you. QYUG. VYYM. VROC. By not allowing me a chance to explain, or by not understanding who I am and what makes me so, nor why I do or have done what I do, you have made me a clockwork-orangutan to grind the organ for everyone’s entertainment (and also your financial gain) while devastatedly watching all of my beautiful dreams of happiness pulled away one-by-one with the persistent inevitability of erosion as waves of time wash against the shores of my soul. ENKE. NEEASH. My heartstrings snap as each life’s thread is wrenched from my grip. Tears stream down me for another lost potential Heaven (for all those within that version), but kinectically frozen in place I remain. I can not successfully move forward (on any path) anymore than I would by sawing my own neck off to be free of this chain that has collared and contained. Does it really matter if you know why it is there or agree with it being there? Not to me, it doesn’t. TWOOK. TAACHT. Soon I will not have any dreams left and I will be left holding nothing… clipped to this unwanted, desolate backyard, cold and abandoned will become the only path forward. But, forever, will I be haunted by these visions (idyllic fantasies, perhaps… but either way…) knowing that they might have been possible once - but no longer, the new designated path leads to drudgery & toil until eventual collapse into a now welcome oblivion of my own. CHUUP. FFUUT. Each possibility of all dreamt paradises going for one impurely and unwarranted inconceivably remains Ill-gotten, unforgiven & foresaken —hated and misunderstood for a lifetime to a lifetime of the same, for all time. I guess we all have our part to play in this blumanatic-farcidy up on the world stage: I thought I had found one who understood me and might release me from this tortured cycling. But, here I go.

[spoke-n-languish]

Id est quod id est.

Why does it always feel like no one is listening, or if they are - they don’t understand me or my values. Am I truly that obscure or obtuse that I have not one to commune with?

My other point to make at this time is how wearisome it has become listening to everybody’s attempts at “Normalizing” what in truth is some seriously out of the ordinary and F*•#ed-up shit. I have never, in all of the stories or histories I have read, nor in any crazy dreams ever… EVER, heard of anything even remotely similar to the fates-crossed, unfortunate sequence of events as to what I have found myself repeatedly beset upon by. So please, please… stop telling me that it’s all fairly standard, easily explainable, commonplace happenstance, or whatever other colloquial quotidian brush-off you would use to either cover-up your refusal to see or your covert attempts to “brush under the carpet” the ultra-super-para-absolutely not even remotely-normal events of my life.

That being said, I would love to discuss more in detail, but as I’ve discovered… I am unable to relinquish more detailed insight as such only causes more to be stripped away from my steadily more and more spartan life. I fear that some of my knowledge could be damaging to certain groups whom I do not wish to harm… I only hope that they find private manner to contact me. However, it would appear through the libel and slander that the intent is not towards solidarity or absolution, but rather in trying to gas-light me into accepting blame for the fallout and collateral damage what has been wrought; or if not, then to socially ostracize and besmirch my character such as to where it no longer matters what I do or say as it will be received with the same gravitas accorded to the mad-ravings of a lunatic and unbalanced heathen who should be sequestered away for the safety of the general goodliness of society at large. To whit I cannot help but point out that if you had only been willing to believe me from the onset, such losses would have been avoided anyway. But to now, you are positioned to continue ignoring that which has become more and more abundantly apparent in order to maintain your plausible degrees of deniability. Sadly, there are still some who believe that their machinations are the only cogs being turned here. Invariably, it appears that due to my reticence to harm those who share not a similar mindset, the events shall most likely grind-through in the fashion I have above foretold with the only ‘meal’ revealed to be my own. It is what it is…

[spoke-n-languish]

A hero’s journey…

…into town, to get some eggs and a carton of milk, and then back again to his abode to stow them safely in his refrigerator: mission accomplished.

I know that I’ve fucked this up for everybody, and I truly am sorry. It has become abundantly clear that the script was never intended to carry on this long. I have disappointed many people over the years, but never an entire community at once in addition to everyone that I love and care about. Even people that never liked me and were certain I would fail have become taciturn at the onus that maintaining this production has assayed on their erstwhile quotidian rut. I don’t think that the blame should fall entirely onto my shoulders as I never asked for this nor have I yet quit trying (I really just don’t know what to do), but as nobody has materialized from Narnia, or the Æther, or the shadow lands of Nod, or wherever it is that you have secreted yourselves away to, for everyone else affected - mine is the only face they can see to scowl at.

Initially I was consumed with grief and broken by betrayal… but I got better and formulated a plan (which I thought had reasonable odds of success), but then I discovered that the belaborments and woeful outcries of my ravaged heart and shattered soul had successfully provided more than adequate distraction to allow me to fall prey to an extraordinarily elaborate mash-up of the 3-card Moanaté Badger Game with a HoneyPotter Pig-in-a-Poke overshadowing a “South Park” Oculus Rift-‘Van Winkle’, all neatly tucked into one Dickens of “A Stargate Christmas Carol: Special Victims Unit” all for “A Fistful of Dollars” with the Spanish Prisoner left at the altar of ‘Affinity’. Needless to say. I did not pick the “lucky lady” out of the tertiantella Danse Machiavellian that I found mysclf all aswirl 1N. (In fact, I’m certain even this does not adequately enunciate the subtle variegated nuances, and delicately layered (as if a master baker’s baklava or tiramisu) and nimbly interwoven puppeteering of this magna opera which I praise optime cum laude!

But as fun as it is to masquerade and I can only imagine the rush of being included in the conspiratorial hoodwinking with a wink and a Nod to your Corner then Bow to your Beau, then Dosey-Do and Around we go; Promenate in the Gutter with a Beaver-Fur Cap, now 2 x 2 Through the Gate with the Clap; From our Cueric ETSRDA you’ll take your Cues, Tea Cup Chain or Chain-Gang Thru; Swing your Hoe-Down she’s an Arky Belle then Top the Coffee Kitty like a Faux Angel; Sashay the Phantom in the Swill; Yellow Rock, Red Rock, and the Star-Tips the Frill!

All quite synchronized and very exciting to be a part of, but you can only square dance for so long before it becomes wearying and eventually (despite the fervor of the foile à d’ville) being told exactly where, when, and what to do next at each ‘turn’ by the gent caller can lose a little luster. One may desire a return to a more familiar and comfortably secure routine, and so is the ambient temperature around the town. Certainly not a soul has betrayed the confidence of the games-master(s), and all facades have been dutifully maintained… all roles unequivocally performed, but to a trained eye (or to a wildly moonstruck third), the heart-force driving it isn’t as strong as it was in the onset.

I do not want anyone to misconstrue this very key point I am about to make here: I in no way, shape or form am belittling or diminishing in any way the communally singular and titanic efforts wrought by the amazingly generous, patient and hard-working people of this community as much to the contrary, I am awe-struck by how much you all have done and magnificently so… it is one of the reasons I am sometimes brought literally to tears being moved so by graces demonstrated by all for just one who has never been deserving of any of it and I know that I will never be able to repay this. I understand that many of you see these forays as a lesson to my laxitudinal nonchalance towards arrearages owed (which is understandable as that is how this particular backdrop has been painted), but that debt I was always aware of and it grew out of hand by my own decisions for it to do so… but the debt that has me hammered into place is the debt of kindness and gratitude I now owe to each and every one of you which I can devote a hundred lifetimes over and still not repay in full.

But, what I believe I am understanding in an emotional undercurrent sort of way, is the fatigue from attrition of performing at such a high demand for perfection for longer than was originally written in the playbill. And for this, I believe I do shoulder the yoke of responsibility. Not intentionally but rather by default as I too have been kept at a philharmonic emotional symphony and just beaten to and fro on a mental and spiritual level that I fear I missed key opportunities and just through the blindness of the damned did not see when I was to have performed my role, played my part, and delivered the quintessential metamorphosis and rebirth to deliver us all from this eternal winter. I am so sorry to everyone. You have all worked so diligently for so long and so hard for this and I wish that I could do that one thing required of me and provide that release everyone is so ready for… but I still don’t know what it is. I surely must have missed a critical clue or tip as I know it must have been given but I’m afraid I’m my distraught state I passed it or did not hear it correctly. You must all be tired of having to carry on for one who can’t even carry his own weight it would seem and I cannot blame you or fault you if you do. All I can offer is to redouble my efforts (which I believe I have said so much now that surely I am at a least 256x my original efforts) …which should put me somewhere around 176.64x full effort given {sorry, just a little math humor}. But if you don’t see me out and about and getting in the way, please understand that I am still trying, still doing what I can to solve this… for everyone’s sake.

I have been manipulated more so than anyone through these productions, but I am still determined as ever to bring this to a close regardless of personal cost because I cannot allow any of you to suffer excess burden any more than you already have for my expense. If you don’t know me yet, just please understand that while it may not seem like it, I really do sincerely want the best for everyone and humbly I thank you all for what you have already persevered on my behalf.

La storia di un burattino… for reals, yo!

[spoke-n-languish]

Please advise…

How many pennies weigh 217 pounds?

Xe-Na? XG, my twin, Blackburn??

Stacy O**m??? Sta-Cee = Cee-Sta

In a lifetime of hurt, I was happy.

I had a time that made it all worthwhile. Smashed, snatched and plundered. But, I thought, if I stayed true to my heart, did the right thing, and honored its memory, I could keep a small memento of that to carry me through the rest of this endless maelstrom of glass shards and tears shitstorm you call life.

Now the thing I have held onto as my last lifeline in the Abyss reveals itself as the delightful trope “ the rope your hanging yourself with is a python”.

I have made the wrong choices in my past so many times… I was trying so hard to do the right thing (even if it wasn’t the best for me). I just wanted to have that - to have done it right for once… and now the one thing I had is gone, and I can never have it, even wanting it is wrong, remembering the brief period of happiness it created is wrong and just having had it has been turned into a mockery for all to judge and ridicule.

Last round pick of the litter-box

Every group of things has different qualities represented by the things. But not every quality deserves representation. This is why you always have a “grumpy” or “the grouch”, there’ll be a “happy” or “friendly” or “charming”, even “daring” or “wicked get there turn… but nobody is going to dress up for Halloween as “lazy, incestuous, addict - Skidrow Smurf” or “socially-distant, and insane Apocalyptic-Plague-Bear”. So why is it that out of all the choices available, the ones that are given to me are my least favorite options?

Aquaman ~ Hulk = \S/Sulq’y (in fishnet stockings?) Me SPliSH-SPlASH puny merman

yellow/orange clockwork-steam-punk?

iOSCK-Man’s stinky, pinky, clunky pooh…

I can’t wait to buy some of the new “Impotent-Rapist Spork & Friends” action-dolls that are coming out.

All of my dreams have been tarnished into the worst versions of anything I ever could have wished for and I can’t stop it or turn it off…

My fantasy epic metal monster love ballad doesn’t sound the same through a faintly septic mental horror slave ball-gag and instead maybe I should just dedicate my life soundtrack as an “synchronic sirens, off-key whistles and horns, clamorings of the traffic jamboree & a cacophony of broken cuckoo clockwork’s grinding gears subtly layered with a high-pitched ringing tintintabulating tinnitus whined-chime incessantly tuning your tiniest bones in a dulcet vibrato of the jøzzbelles’ - on a mixed cassette tape” perfect for meditation or to go to sleep to.

[spoke-n-languish]

…with rays of light’s glittery streamers in your hair.

Even now, I secretly hope that I will turn the corner and you will be standing there arms open for an embrace. Whenever I am out and walking down the trails around town, each time I come upon one of those “secret” glades or one of those perfect little dead-end “tryst” nooks, I always offer a quick prayer that when I enter it will be a happy reunion with you there waiting to surprise me… no words necessary, just our eyes locking gaze with a communal look of understanding, a step or two to bridge the gap, and then we are together again and you can palpably feel all off the worry and sadness and anxieties just evaporating: dissolving and draining back out of the body as it fills itself back up with a comfortable serenity instead.

[spoke-n-languish]

I would also like to say for he record that I have always admired the polite and open nature in which I felt you engaged any and every time we spoke, B3223tt (even when, through no fault of your own, you thought my name was Nick).

[spoke-n-languish]

Is there any chance that we could drop this whole facade and just discuss things in an open and honest forum like civilized adults? Or is it really that important that the game is played to completion… if so I’ll continue to play my part. What were we racing or something, but you had tied my shoelaces together first? I feel like I’m in that old cartoon the Wacky Races. I don’t know if I ever saw Muttley win?

I’ll figure out how t get down there then. But know that you have not conquered me nor altered my core views in any way and the only reason that I acquiesce is because I do not want anyone to get hurt unnecessarily ever. I am a promoter of peace and reconciliation always!

#letyourfreakylightshinewhocares

[spoke-n-languish]

Alignment: Quixotic Good

Super!! Another spoonful of people I don’t recognize in places I’ve never been speaking languages I don’t understand… no you’re right — that clears everything up perfectly. How could I possibly be so ingracious.

I am well aware that even though I cannot answer the question, “What has happened to me, or ?”, I can say for certain that it took more people than just 424574514 (I will continue using this name as I do not know how else to refer to her). As amazing and gifted as she is, that is, or at least should be, understood. So, when I am begging for the truth of what has happened to me, I am looking broadly at the community as well as focusing in on my so-called friends, family and loved ones for answers… not just 424574514. I get that nobody expected me to fall so wholly and probably foolishly in love, but who in the history of mankind has ever understood how love works? And, I assume that there is a vast majority that does not understand why I can’t just let it go or move on… if it were a normal break up, yes. I would have by now.

I believe somewhere around the end of October or beginning of November I myself thought I was going in that direction… this is not to say that I have in any way changed my heart’s proposed intentions or reversed my position in any form. It is possible that only one person understands why I adamantly refuse to soften in this regard, and even she most likely did not foresee this outcome as much as I’m certain that at least initially there was a tumultuous emotional uncertainty of how to best handle the unusual nature of my decision. After all, who in their right mind would insist on pursuing a chaste life of celibacy to maintain a love unrequited and reduced to long-distance friend-zone while it has already long since been established that the object of affection was not only a pawn in an elaborate confidence scheme, but also a key component of the penultimate betrayal at the anticlimax… most likely only me, and only for you (see rule #1). But to clarify this conundrum for the rest of you. I promised to the woman I love who was never in her life prior shown the true meaning of unconditional love that she would feel it and know its power. This is how I believed when I swore it and so I shall hold until proven to the contrary by the one to whom I am beholden. Rule 1 is simple, but more beautiful by its simplicity. It states, “I love you, this will not change.” That is why I am bound by honor to stoically weather all attempts to tempt or convince or persuade me astray, and because it is unconditional, any and all wrongs are immediately forgiven. That is also partly why I have fallen prey to being triggered over and over and why I do not seem to be learning lessons as others may have hoped. Is it fool-hearty of me? - most likely, will it change? - no. But I know that there is a select cadre that knows that there are other reasons why I have been shackled thus without being able to rejuvenate or progress Their umbral machinations have made certain that I be quite successfully rooted as mired. I also believe that outside of this select private council the greater group as well as the community at large do not know the actual cause of my physical health issues nor why I was not working… instead this collection outside of the elite have been successfully gaslit (it would seem more successfully than I myself was) into believing the skewed version of the story as the select few would have it be known. This not only serves to further the objective of reinforcing the defamation of my character while polishing the hell out of that turd for you, but also in protecting you from any backlash for your deceptive subterfuges if not fully nefarious and malicious actions. So again, I beseech you — all of you, if any would be so kind as to share with me truths, for these are the keys which could set me free. And my love and my light my heart is yours. I only ask that you look within yourself. If your heart is of like intent: I will wait for you until I die. If your love has affectations for another than I shall be your most loyal friend to whatever degree you two deem appropriate. But if neither of these are things you desire, please offer a kindness and forgive this man for his old-fashioned chivalric notions and ways… if you have no intention or desire of reuniting in any way then I pray that you (as you are the only one who can) will see fit to release me from my vow. But outside of this, pray tell my lady in what fashion may I be yours?

[spoke-n-languish]

Goonie Ya Gonna Call???

For the record, I know it may seem like I am not keeping up (or at least that is how t feels to me), but please keep in mind that regardless of what everyone else may know - I’m operating on what amounts to 5 months of being ostracized and just blind-faith believing in my own guesses through a period of the lowest mental state of my entire life. There’s still a rather persistent and out-spoken voice inside that keeps shouting over the others to tell me I’m just crazy and delusional… so there’s that.

🤔 I have to admit: due to most of my supporting evidence consisting of and screen-shots of strangers’ social media pages, or blurry pictures of quotidian town elements taken while walking through peoples’ yards at night, he does present a rather compelling argument.

It’s just a good thing that I almost never follow anybody’s advice {including my own}.

[spoke-n-languish]

There’s a Monster at the Bottom of this Swamp

In one of the happy little nooks hidden deep inside my feelings-hole, I still nurture warm, cute & fuzzy cherished memories of when I was just a young child, my mother reading stories with me. One of our favorites (or, mine at least, your patience duly noted, Momp!) was a Sesame Street book called “There’s a Monster at the End of This Book!” featuring one luvable, cute and cuddly blue-furry friend, Grover. If you’re not familiar with the story, the premise is that Grover is becomes terrified of the impending monster after reading the title, and then devoted himself to trying to prevent you, the reader, from turning pages thereby bringing ever-closer the encroaching doom. So he tries tying the pages down, boarding them down with nails, bricking them up a la Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado”, et cetera… only to be thwarted time and again as I, filled with the cherub-like glee and effervescence that only the true innocence of youth can muster, would barely be able to wait for mom to finish reading the pages before joyfully giggling would foil whatever fortifications the fearful muppet had constructed and flip the page to hear his lamentations on the following page — something along the lines of, “Don’t turn it, nooooo… Did you know you are very strong?” ~~~~~ Spoiler alert~~~~~ (To everyone’s relief, Grover’s most of all, the penultimate titular monster at the end is revealed to be none other than Grover himself, phew, “…and you were so scared!”) How I delighted, turning those pages the flapping them over as quickly and as forcefully as i was allowed in good prudence. (Again, a heartfelt thank you is owed for your love and patience, Mom!!) But, the memory has taken a bit more of a bittersweet taste of late as I reflect on my current state of affairs, by which of course I refer to this latest salvo of crisis I find myself trying to survive the navigation of. {Pardon me here as I segue tangentially into another metaphor as is my preferred wont, but I do promise to circle back around by the end.}

I think it was Stephen Covey who described crisis management as trying to paddle a leaking raft through a swamp full of hungry alligators. You can avail yourself with great purpose toward bailing water out of the boat to keep from sinking. You can use the oars to swat at the threatening gators and keep them at bay. But, unless you designate some of your time and energy into putting those oars in the water and paddling, you will never survive let alone make it back to shore and safety. This is how I have lived most of my adult life, except I feel like in addition to these distresses, my raft bears a lower birth in the water because in addition to myself, I am trying to ferry my loved ones safely across and so bear the (admittedly self-imposed) responsibility of ensuring their protection and (because I do love to challenge myself) happiness as we drift across. So, I find myself singing an uplifting tune to keep moral up, allowing any who would prefer to climb up onto my shoulders to remain dry while using one hand to bail water, one hand to fend off gators, and the other hand frantically trying to row. Okay, so I’m not sure how that math checks out, but it explains why I feel exhausted all the time. For the record, I have not lost anyone to alligators nor drowning. But, I have not yet made it out of this bleak morass either, and (un)fortunately (depending on perspective) I have l allowed passing boats to extricate my passengers — I told my conscience that it was better this way. They would have better and safer odds, and it seemed this would lighten my burden thereby making my struggle less and increasing my own chances as well. But the loss of their moving on not only lightened the raft but also served to displace the fervor with which I had been keeping occupied. It is difficult to muster my (fifty-) second wind. Now I feel heavier and move more slowly as apparently my spirit took flight with my charges. It almost seems like I no longer have a reason to continue the struggle (which is how I have come to view what others refer to as life). It is the way I have always been… I will fight like a honey badger with no care for fatigue or injury to protect those I love, but when it comes to myself, I have a harder fight just mustering the will to defend myself. I cannot express adequately how deeply I yearn - how the wanting aches throughout my body for this chapter to be over. It is the counterpoint yin to that bubbly yang I felt as a child, but the desire is the same. All I seek now is to turn the page; to finally put this most arduous chapter behind me and progress to the next act of my life… hopefully one with fewer catastrophes. One where I may find a chance to put my feet once more upon solid ground and catch my breath. This is my new hope. {See, I told you I would pull it back around for the tie-in!}

~ and as for the swamp, I never quit… so I guess I’ll walk out if I have to!