living with anorexia
" it has been four years living with anorexia. in september, i will have lived with my eating disorder for 1/4 of my life. i frequently get asked about my fears during my time living with severe anorexia. i wasnât afraid of almost anything. i wasnât afraid of dying, in fact, i had completely accepted it. i wasnât the least bit afraid when i was told i was in heart and liver failure. i couldnât have been less afraid when i weighed less than an 8 year old at 14 years old. i was absolutely numb to the needles piercing my skin, and the constant pain of my body destroying itself to stay alive. i wasnât afraid of my body temperature settling at 94.6, or my heart rate sitting at 30. there was only one thing i was afraid of. i was afraid of existing. i didnât want to die, i just didnât want to live with myself. the world believes that eating disorders are all about weight, but for me, i just wanted to be absolutely nothing. i didnât want to see myself and i didnât want others to see me. i was terrified of the number on the scale, and i was horrified by my reflection. no number was ever low enough. i had to be small enough, i had to be strong enough, and i had to be good enough. i believed that it wasnât worth existing unless i had disappeared enough. those were my fears. not death, not pain, but only living. that is what my life revolved around: wasting away." - lorelai symmes
