To The Depths

[spokentothedepths]

Coming home I felt like I was going to my grandparents’ for the holidays. I’ve crossed the threshold from “going back” home to “visiting” home. It feels foreign, like I almost don’t belong. Though my parents aren’t from here, I was born and raised here. I’m from this place, but not of this place. I’ve felt comfortable here, I’ve felt a strong conviction to stay here, I’ve wanted to be here before. Now I feel tired of it. Maybe I’m just seeing it for what it really is. This place is desolate. I love the nature and being stranded, but this place is desolate – free from culture and a sense of motivation. People get stuck here; people rot here. I love my friends and some of them have shitty jobs, but they’re still good people and they get along. But some of them just get so bogged down and stranded that they can’t pull themselves up. They’re lost. Gone. Once you’re gone, it’s not easy to come back, and it has to be driven from within - that doesn’t happen.

I wanted to see friends tonight, so I did. Too bad about the raging, drunk, underage high school girls who ruined any semblance of intimacy. Too bad for people’s preoccupation with various sedatives and inhalables. Too bad for people’s apathy and self-pity. I see so  many people that make me so bitter and cynical and jaded. So many people that eat away at my hope for humanity. I know it’s not their fault, but they have some responsibility. They’re all worth so much more. Especially my friends. Get off your apathetic asses and grab what you want. You’re worth more than skipping JCC classes. You’re worth more that driving drunk and snorting coke. You’re worth more than finding solace in promiscuous sex. You’re worth more than working at some disgusting restaurant and smoking your fears away. You’re worth more than department store display arrangement.

This place is so backwards and it eats people whole. I’ve defended this place before, but there isn’t much here that is worth defending. I have my parents and sister here. I have the Shaws here. I have my dad’s land. I have a handful of friends, but they’re slowly either dispersing or dropping off the face of reality. More and more I feel less for this place, less a part of it. This is my home, but it’s not worth this struggle. I have a few people worth so much more than any place and I’d rather follow them. I have so little connection here that I almost feel homeless. This place is a swamp. Only the lucky get out, the rest slowly decompose into toxic fumes.

I miss those innocent days when we didn’t know anything; we thought the world was endless. Then we had to wake up. Some of us fight it by trying to escape it; some of us just work within it. I’m trying to understand it. I miss driving in that shitty red Pontiac to eat at the Brass Tacks in my bike shorts. I miss that reality that we ignorantly succumbed ourselves to. Too bad the real world is harsh, and money is real. I guess some people just can’t handle it. They hide behind fights or drinks or blunts or college or work. I refuse to hide. I’m taking this full on and I’m not backing down. I’m not going to be stuck and I’m not settling for what I’ve got. I just wish they could all see the other side. I wish they could have the drive to fight to get there.

This place isn’t any different from anywhere else. The country, the suburbs, the city, East Coast, West Coast, Midwest, it’s all the same. We are the privileged complainers. We have so much handed to us that we let ourselves turn to empty husks of dust. TV, videogames, parties, bars, movies, clubs, whatever just consume us. We get in these routines of apathy. I know so many people from other countries who fight and work so hard to have something different from what they grew up in, but we just settle. There’s more out there. I want to help others get to a place similar to the life we “enjoy” here, but what if they just let it do to them what we’ve let it do to us?

I guess there has to be some of that dilapidation of the human spirit, the human mind. I just have such a hard time with it. We have to let people do their thing, but when it’s people I love, people with whom I’ve shared months and years of my life, it’s so hard. It’s even worse when they won’t communicate with you. Some of my closest friends just don’t talk to me, so when I try to get together with them while I’m here; they don’t exist. I miss you.

People don’t change. Only situations do. Situation let you know more about the person, and sometimes that hurts. It’s not that you don’t know someone now; it’s just that you never knew them and now you’re just seeing another side of them. I’ve come to realize that I knew so little about even the people I was closest to. Maybe my bias towards them masked a lot of things, but man it’s so sad when you remove yourself and look in from afar. That innocence is never reclaimed. We can never get that back. They’re just memories. People just get more complicated, more folds, more dark corners, more winding corridors that life has led them down and left them at the end of. We just become darker with age. So much darkness and cynicism. I want to be positive, but how can I be when people treat themselves and each other like such dirt? I see so much beauty and value in every human being, but when they don’t realize it, it just turns to mold.

I worry that I’m receding back into myself, that the people around me will mean less and less as I continue my life. I plan on traveling a lot, so I won’t be able to make tight connections, and I’ll have to fight so hard to keep the ones I have now. I’ve lost some, for now. I want to regain them. I’m willing to try. But when there’s no response, no effort, then what can I do besides give up? I know that if they’re true friends, they’ll come back. I’ll be tight with them again. It’s happened a number of times, and I figure some of it is just because I’m forgiving. But should I always take that? Is it abuse to just ignore someone and then want to get together and be friends again? I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care. I’ll keep letting them back into my life. I’ll just keep guard of myself. So much disconnectedness. I want to have a tight community of people, of friends, but either they give up or I do.

I’m fine with just a few tight friends. But keeping them close is so hard. Especially guys. I guess you can’t really try too hard; you just have to let it go its own way.

We’ll see.  

[spokentothedepths]

I want to live in a house that is integrated into the outdoors. All rooms can open freely onto the outside and be part of the outside. Leaves on the wind could sweep through and water could be shot through to clean the floors. Rugs could be picked up for this. Fresh air would circulate and there would not be a disconnect between inside and outside; there would not even be thresholds, everything could just roll in, roll out. Seals on the doors or whatever would make the house weather tight, keeping out water and cold when necessary. In the hot months, all could be open and rain could drizzle in; it would be ok, and would probably be routed out in some clever way. There would be no permanent fragility – no carpets, only rugs, no overly dainty items meant to be kept forever and out of reach of the elements. It would be an area halfway between the forest or the meadow and the prisons we currently condemn ourselves to, devoid of sunlight, fresh air, and natural undulations in moisture. It would move naturally, avoiding the so often seen and felt desire towards permanence and solidity. I want it to be of the earth, not on it. What’s wrong with a few leaves in your tub, ladybugs in your living room, a turtle on the kitchen floor? We’re fine with dogs and cats and the like, but even they’re seen as bothersome in some homes that hold perfection and tidiness as paramount. So I say tear that down, at least for a bit, and allow some “clean dirt” into the home. Soil in your toes can be swept off the oak boards, frogs can be scooped up off the wool carpet and tossed back into the pond, mud can be washed down the drain. Let the sun drain in, unhindered by layers of glass, unblocked by walls of sheetrock. Let the air pass through, unburdened by passageways through cracks and crannies, maybe give it some beads to toss as it goes down the hall. Make the world your home, and let your home become part of the world. 

[ladyssaturnine]

i want someone to worship at my church and i want to worship at that someone’s church but i don’t want it to feel like organized religion.   i want it to feel like god.  

[spokentothedepths]

Your lilies grow in the back of my skull,

Shut tight and quivering in the warm spring night.

The dew sets on your lids, kissing your lips,

Your stems bend under the weight, soften and warm.

- 

The sun, still far off, begins to breach the distant earth,

Your bulbs rooted deep underneath,

You begin to reach up to meet the coming warmth,

An instinct rather than a choice.

You never expect the sun to go cold,

But you forget the clouds that striate the empty blue.

- 

The dew lifts in the light, returns in the shade,

Always present in some form,

But you can’t always feel it.

- 

You begin to open,

Reveal your fragile beauty,

Always trusting the warmth and the dew.

- 

The open stars of grounded, pigmented nectar

Dance and sway in the coming heat,

Emanating an exuberance and brightness seemingly unknown.

 -

Maybe this day will be less harsh than yesterday,

Of course, that doesn’t take much.

As long as your roots aren’t nibbled at,

Your leaves remain untorn,

This day shall certainly be better.

- 

Growing back what you’ve lost,

You give off that pollen so sought after,

That sweet burnt gold powder.

- 

Flying in, the bees and butterflies waltz on your ballroom,

Collecting your priceless essence,

And flying away to places unknown,

Always taking a little of it with them.

- 

What when the frost comes?

Does it burn and ache,

Or is it like a slow numbing?

Forget about that for now,

Only feel the light warm breeze,

And the dampening of cooling humidity.

The dew begins to fall,

Collecting again on your earth.

- 

By the time this first sun sets,

The back of my eyes are crowded by so many open petals;

I can barely shut them, tearing and swollen.

As the summer ends, your petals close,

If only until the next spring.

[spokentothedepths]

Dry and dusty lawn,

Old caramel-red screen porch,

Wood steps bare,

I walk across the cracked soil,

Avoiding the tall grass and thistles.

I look down at the small dots,

See vases of beehives,

Ground colonies of cellophane lumens.

The bees fly up towards me,

Surround and swarm my shoulders and face,

Thy crawl into my mouth and up my nose,

Sticking to my eyes and lips, I stay still as I can,

Swallowing air and choking on their syrupy fur.

Look back, and see Sierra in pink and Dad,

Walking up, they avoid the hives,

They seem to clear the mess clogging my face,

I go inside through the old porch,

A place that no longer exists,

It feels like a summer long gone by,

A summer I do not miss.

Soon I am attacked by little black monsters.

They fly to my arms and drill into my skin,

Attempting to reside and nest under my dermis,

Their proboscises protrude from the inflamed lumps.

I squeeze and expel their parasitic flesh from my own,

Outside, they too fight the plague.

More come, black and white, small two-sectioned bodies,

I fight these off with urgency and distress,

Getting them out of my pores,

Away from this body, my tender temple.

My father tells me they are a bird-insect hybrid,

Tunneling into flesh and anchoring underneath.

I wake and try to shake myself out of the illusion.

I know I’ve disturbed her; she rustled as I sat up.

Walking down the dark hall,

Bathroom light to wake me a bit,

Wipe my mind from the creatures.

I return and she turns over,

I tell her I had some uneasy dreams,

She says something I don’t hear, nor understand.

We sleep until the morning,

She asks me at breakfast,

Thinking of it something completely contrary.

I cannot look past the obvious parallel,

The accordance with the distress I dove into just hours prior,

Days prior the first time.

If this is my penance, so be it,

Haunt me for what I’ve done,

I just hope it gives him some justice.

I will take it; embrace it,

If only there is something gained by the other.

[spokentothedepths]

The marble skin,

That pulls me in,

Locked eyes taught,

So often sought,

Look at me that way;

You don’t have to say,

I know what you feel,

Directing this keel.

Press on ribs as such,

Burst at the touch,

You’ve got me,

And as far as I can see,

I’ve got you too,

Something mad and new,

My normal actions fought,

Don’t let this rot.

Seems like we waited so long,

It’s so wrong,

We know each other whole;

Words play no role,

I worry, I fear,

But I’ll stay sincere,

Maybe it’s a pattern…

Banded rings of Saturn

Cross your pale skin,

Silence in the din,

Working up and running me down,

Maybe finally something graced I’ve found.

[spokentothedepths]

The roar of a plane overhead,

The cone of light in front of one in the distance,

The yellow light on the wall of trees,

Far-off sky dropping light black behind,

Riding down this hill,

I have to keep pushing, keep my speed up,

I can’t let this avalanche dwindle,

Building and building,

Like a wave it washes over smooth and rough,

It eats every bit and crushes it like stones,

Eventually receding into sea foam,

The sand sparkling in the evening sun between the clouds,

Like a spread-out sun glimmering across the void,

The night sky reflects what we cast upon it,

Or does it just absorb it,

Consuming anything that enters the endless space?

Oscillating spheres, like femurs in hips,

These rotating bones grind without cushioning,

Insert your substance; let’s dance,

Just spin and forget that we’re more than cosmic dust,

Sawdust of the universe formed from the culm of nothingness,

We’re the meaningless byproduct,

But that frees us,

So let’s just be honest and sincere,

Do what feels right,

The rolling steel curls and warms,

Shine and smooth, shape it and make it yours.

[spokentothedepths]

i will paint

i will write hella poetry

I will work my way

i will have a great holiday season

i will forget the bullshit dragging me down

i will declutter and let go

I will hold on to what matters

and grow that into something that will stay

I will do what I want and make it work for me

i will decide about this summer (Germany/Korea/elsewhere to teach?)

i will read 

I will maintain

and sustain

resist

and persist

cut trees in the snow

drink steaming tea in the mist

wander the untread forest humus

soak up the world 

and let it pass as it came.

go alone,

or together

who knows

find my way 

are we ever not alone?

Strongest alone.

Search and find

Search and find less

less than before

search forever...

the wave is coming

face it and swim the best you can

or dive under and miss it?

Can't dwell I guess. 

Can't keep it all. 

Have to let it all go. 

This world doesn't allow us to

keep anything

but our memories.

So don't forget, 

or else we'll all forget. 

[spokentothedepths]

I'm really starting to see how fast technology is progressing. It really is exponential. Moore's law is beginning to really gear up. It's cool and exciting, but I'm a little worried and a little overwhelmed. The coming years wil be interesting, but, as always, our ethics and morals will most definitely not keep up with our technological capabilities. Some tough decisions will have to be made, and fast. I just hope the proper amount of thought it put into them. Not sure where we're all headed...

[spokentothedepths]

Dirt and blood,

Fear the flood.

Howl towards north,

Venture forth.

Under the dark moon,

Pine sap swoon.

Muddy claws,

Wood chip saws.

Eat the muscle thick,

Warm and lip stick.

Ice-cold river,

Bile drawn liver.

Warm by fire,

Cold so dire.

Dig under needle,

Crawl the beetle.

Drag it out,

Truffled snout.

Sharp fur,

Dead winter burr.

Run and stay ,

Try to get away.

To the thicket roam,

This is your home.

[spokentothedepths]

The damage dealt by her soft blows

Sends me spinning high to lofty throes.

Wink of fawn and start of doe

A dewy caul only sun can show.

 -

Holding close in wet hair and sweater worn,

From warm damp embrace never to be torn.

Feather and fur snagged upon rosy thorn,

Thickest fleece never to be shorn.

- 

Fingers grace this mottled skin,

A delusion to think I’d never win.

Scared snake, bold apple – where’s the sin?

Beast and man unclothed, truest kin.

- 

Dare to journey beyond safe walls,

Decide, or don’t; attempted stalls.

Finch and Cardinal echoed winter calls,

Into the distance wander, blanket snow falls.

- 

Horse and yoke can’t pry asunder lockéd team,

Fused like water and air, rising steam.

Over thistle hurdle, under nailéd beam,

Ice on water, shot crack and golden gleam.

- 

For now and morrow,

Endearing gaze to borrow,

Lone dog in dark sorrow,

Company on cave floor yarrow.

[spokentothedepths]

Crush the plaster,

Awake the stone,

Enliven the mold,

Drum and drone.

Apes in trees,

And rats in holes,

Mill the flour,

Burn the cones.

Build up the idols,

Blind as moles.

Chain and labor,

Duties doled.

Corpse under mound,

Soft in stoles,

Fight decay,

Still grow old.

Grasp at all,

Alone and cold.

[spokentothedepths]

I wish you knew

Of the wind that blew

Over, under, and through;

Seemingly still and silent

The shudders so sent

Maybe that’s not quite what I meant…

Can you see the beam-ed light,

The bits of dust in flight?

So much beyond adjusted sight.

You’ll never know

The gold that shows,

The fruit I sow,

Just looking upon you

Seeing beyond to the true,

Under the skin so smooth.

Never knowing,

Never showing.

Are you going

To some far off place?

These odd feelings I can’t erase,

The dream of your face,

Always feeling so haunted,

You’re what I’ve wanted,

It’s something I haven’t flaunted.

  Never then,

Other men,

Don’t know if I can

Be there

To share

That gorgeous stare.

I keep seeing

Your whole being,

Never fleeing,

I look back

Inside I feel a crack,

Some harsh smack

To my fiber

I’m dashing the Khyber

Guts all cyber.

That gaze up,

I wish I could sup

From your cup.

Ruby lips,

Long dark tips,

Choppy water ships,

Double cheek,

Full and sleek,

All I seek…

  Maybe this is all delusion,

Caught up in an illusion

I feel the deep contusion.

Cauterize this hole,

Build me back up whole,

Feel the shredded soul.

Trying not to mar,

Maybe this is too far,

But even the farthest star

Can be reached with time.

Patience and rhyme,

Heartburn and chyme,

Seeing that opaque

Red I can’t take

From your lips and shake

You

Through

And through.

You don’t know the half of it,

But I fear I can’t admit,

Lest you harshly crit

Icize. Leave me cold,

Are we getting old?

I’ve never told you how I feel,

I fear you’ll reel

And I’ll never be able to steal

That red from your lips,

Feel in my hands those hips,

Face brushed with those tips.

Makes no sense,

Interstate fence,

Division we rent

Until again we rendezvous…

Girl, you never knew,

I’d like to show you.

  I said a little,

Maybe as a riddle,

Meet in the middle?

We deserve better than we’ve had.

Please don’t let him make you sad,

Your heart’s armor unclad

Vulnerable and true,

Girl I want you

That’s nothing new.

[spokentothedepths]

You've shown me the world I never knew,

So clear and bold and true.

Thinkin of you time and again,

So tired of your hollow men.

I owe you myself and what you deserve,

carry it through but I don’t have the nerve.

I miss you when we're apart,

Rekindling this fire with no trouble to start.

You mean so much for who I'm becoming,

I feel like I have to tell you something.

I don’t know and I don’t care,

These feelings are so deep and rare.

I love you, you're my best friend,

I hope this beauty will never end.

I can’t lose touch not now not then,

I'll give you a piece of me on indefinite lend.

I’m here for you as I know you’re there for me,

But I know the future is impossible to see.

I don’t care what each day may bring,

I live for now and now's a taut string.

Pluck it and hear the beauty rise,

When those tones float I see your eyes.

You are my truth, my sanctity,

I feel like we were made to be.

A friend, a lover, who's to divide,

This love of ours does not deride.

So good and loyal in every scene,

Darlin, you're my Peachy Keen.

[spokentothedepths]

Stormstrong

These gales that feed my soul,

This wind that makes me whole.

Hear that thunder roll

Down,

Down,

Down comes the rain:

Through valley and plain,

The cold water keeps me sane.

Can you see the hurricane?

Here she comes,

Know I am not numb.

Into this ground I drive my thumb,

And like a taut drum,

These clouds hummmm.

In my ears I hear the tears,

The fears and how the fire sears.

I miss you now like I hated you then.

Thousands and thousands of men

Cannot help these levees mend.

Drive down, way underneath,

To you my cold dark heart I do bequeath.

I hide within this sheath,

So all alone but unafraid

I ignore the myriad

Cuz with my hands I have made

This crux of truth that will not fade.

Hear the thunder clap,

Listen to the screen door rap.

I’ve been so caught up in this trap.

The floods are here,

The sun is near,

But ever darkness do not fear.

Throw it into second gear,

And hit the pavement rollin, not strollin,

Be the one controlling.

How do you see these dark clouds?

Are they billowing, dank shrouds

Or triumphs to sing aloud?

Have faith or have doubts,

Whatever the case move the crowds.

The waters swell,

You could never quell

This war underneath the shell.

Destroy it all and build again,

Bare and new we all can fend,

Through the plight,

For the right

To amend.

To begin again.

[spokentothedepths]

Mother

Moving, swaying, undulating.

This world never stops.

She keeps pace with only the stars.

How do we so often miss her gentle cause?

Take part in her and forget things for a while.

The ground moves so swiftly under foot,

How can we dream that we are able to ebb this tide?

Dance along; don’t trip up.

The only way to keep pace is to move along.

[spokentothedepths]

An Early Autumn Encounter

Listening to these soft notes,

From tender lips this song floats,

I wonder why

I haven’t caught your eye.

You seem so full,

Unaware and so cool.

I wander in your stare,

A moment I cannot bear.

You seem like beauty incarnate to me.

Oh how I wish to see

You again and again,

Are there other men?

I want to refrain,

If only just maintain

A safe distance,

Thriving on each instance.

We’ve met but once,

Meet me for lunch?

We’ve spoken but thrice,

I have to keep my heart on ice

To stay down and back.

I hope I’m not leaving too much slack,

This moment is too rare to miss.

Oh but a kiss

Would be too much,

All I desire is a touch

Of that voice,

If it’s your choice.

I don’t know you at all,

Maybe it all will fall

To ruin,

Hopefully not too soon.

Flatter me,

And have some tea

Across the table:

Don’t know if I’m able

To see straight,

I may talk too late.

I’ll stay back,

Shell atop won’t crack,

I’ll move like those

High on their toes.

You’re makin’ me nervous,

I mean no disservice,

Just sit and talk,

Maybe a little walk…

Looking eye to eye,

Upon their meeting, I sigh.

Please just let me try,

For your heart I’ll vie.