survivor's guilt

tell me dear, can a heart still break once its stopped beating?

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emily sat on the couch, the book cerise had given her opened on her lap. she’d finally had a chance to read the whole thing through and did not like what she’d found. she’d gotten the book because people that she’d initially believed to be residents of porthaven began showing up in places they shouldn’t be; worse, no one else seemed to notice them.

the book offered several potential reasons for why one might hypothetically see dead people but none seemed to make sense. the last one however, had her shaken. 

near death experiences and being resuscitated could account for seeing dead people. but the other symptoms she’d realized she had now that she thought about it? those were only associated with one possibility.

she didn’t know how it could be possible that she was actually dead. how could she be reading or eating? how did she walk, talk, take a shower?  

but none of those thoughts compared to the strongest thought, burning in her heart. why her? why not her brother? it was her fault so why did she come back and he didn’t. 

as she sat in tearful thought, her phone vibrated next to her. the screen lit up with one word. home. 

there was about to be a conversation she wasn’t sure she would survive- or whatever she was doing. but with a deep breath, she picked up the phone and began her quest for the truth.

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“You sure?” She couldn’t help teasing the other girl, just a bit. She almost sounded as if Cerise ever thought that was a possibility. Sure, there were probably people out there pathetic enough to go sniffing around the undead, but she doubted that Emily would ever need to be one of them. For one thing she lacked that special scent of desperation, “No funerals, no kids, half the groceries…could be worse.”

Writing down the title and the name of the author, M. Fenton, Cerise smiled at her friend before leading the way to the small science section that she’d always done her best to avoid.

any trace of a grin brought on by the question disappeared at the word funerals. it reminded her that the only one she should’ve ever been to, that she’d missed, that was her fault. she didn’t respond; instead, she followed her silently thinking about how much of a downer she was and wondering why cerise even talked to her.

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when the girl spoke, the book came down to reveal blake and her dark eyes, her features softened just so with guilt. “ oh, i’m so sorry, ” she replied earnestly, marking her spot in the book she was reading with her bookmark before her feet turned upward. “ i hadn’t meant to frighten you. ” a small, trying smile caught one end of her mouth. “ it’s really quite quiet in here today, isn’t it ? ” she was hardly the type to make much noise anyways, but even she noticed how low everyone’s inside voices were this early afternoon. “ i suppose the after school rush hasn’t quite hit, though, ” she amended, readjusting herself in the chair to give the girl room to pass. “ i’d love a refill, if possible. it was matcha tea and whole milk ? ” reaching out, she took the cup she’d been given - a white handmade, hand-glazed mug with tiny dots on it that she kept thinking made it look like a birthday cake - and held it out for the other to take.

emily nodded, looking down at her watch., shuffling around as she spoke. “it’s generally quiet for about another half hour or so. it’s surprisingly not all that noisy in here usually. unless of course, it’s someone’s birthday and then it gets kind of crazy.”  she accepted the cup. “matcha tea, whole milk. no problem. i’ll have that right out for you. did you want anything else? i’ve been told the lemon bars are superb today.”

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“So much for til death do us part,” This was the only down side to her job. Ninety percent of the time it was quiet, if a little tedious, but peaceful. And then the other ten percent, people actually expected her to know something about books, or at least the ones they kept in stock. Case and point, her inevitable defeat at the nonexistent hands of their online catalog. She typed a few more words into the search bar, scrolling past the horror novels and hoping to avoid the no man’s land that was page two, “What about ‘The Science of Ghosts’?”

emily grinned at cerise’s comment. it was clever and subtle. she watched as cerise continued to scroll through options and squinted again at the suggestion. she was beginning to think she might need glasses. 

“the science of ghosts...” she repeated as she pushed the bit of hair that had escaped her ponytail out of her face. “that’s a little more what i was looking for. i definitely don’t want to marry a ghost. i just want them to go away.” she mumbled that last part into the hand she’d been leaning on. cerise would think she was crazy. emily was already convinced she was losing it. 

“i guess i’ll take that one, if you have it.”

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“phew, i’m relieved.” varian let out with a soft whistle following soon after; though, that was pretty much all he could’ve said until emily walked out the door, which in it’s own sense, too left him speechless for a good minute. so this is what dates are like, he thought. “you look beautiful.” he admitted shyly, kind of trying to hide away his grin.

“o-oh.” if emily weren’t already dead she might’ve died right there on the spot. because she was oblivious to the fact that she already was, she worried she might. “thank you, you look-” a grin spread across her face.  “beautiful too.” 

[sponsamortuu]

“well then, first person who gets their car back here after circling those trees…” vanellope explains as she points towards the said trees with her finger. “wins, and gets to do… er.. whatever she wants!” emily didn’t seem like a person who would exploit loopholes - but then again, how would you pick that up from just a first impression? - but just in case, vanellope decides to add one restriction about the race prize. “as long as it’s not illegal or anything.”

the girl’s eye twinkle as she lines her car up to the starting line. “ready, get set, and go!” 

“the trees, got it,” emily nodded. “damn, i was aiming for illegal,” she chuckled with a grin so vanellope would know she was kidding. she realized as they were racing that driving one of these cars was way harder than the ones she was used to. she’d already been fully aware that vanellope would win but she made sure to try her best. “i think you’re gonna win,” she chuckled as her car smacked into a bush.

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watching the girl move mad norman smile, she was getting really excited about this, which made norman happy. there wasn’t much acceptance at home, his father loved having the same meal all the time, meat and potatoes, which makes norman ill at the thought. “oh they’re like onions so you cut them in medallions… honestly, it’s just more things in the meal.” norman laughed, shaking his head. “you have to give it a chance, I swear it’s amazing!”

“i’m never going to remember all of this,” she huffed. “you should just come over and show me how to make it.” her eyes widened when she realized what she’d said. “that is if you wanted to, of course...”

[vcriantz]

after pacing and waiting around emily’s front door for good 10 minutes, varian kept second guessing wether or not to ring the bell just yet. “it’s now or never” he said, impulsively knocking on the door right then and there. “am i too early?” // @sponsamortuu​

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emily had changed her clothes several times in the past hour. when she heard the knock she panicked and might’ve even hyperventilated momentarily.  she managed to pull herself together and open the door. her words failed for a few seconds. “oh, no, you’re fine. right on time.”

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» text « emily w.

var: perfect. who doesn't love surprises? haha

var: of course i do, em! it's date etiquette, a must

em: date etiquette

em: of course

em: 13 cedar lane

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» text « emily w.

var: you're too nice to me

var: i'll bring some snacks too, want anything?

var: also pls text me your address, so i can go pick you up say in like – an hour??

em: you share my love for s'mores poptarts so i feel perfectly comfortable leaving the snack selection up to you

em: oh you really don't have to do that!

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» text « emily w.

varian: hey em ! it's varian

varian: do you have any plans tonight??

varian: cause there's this movie thing at the park, and i wanna make it up to you for my awkwardness the other day 😅

em: hey!

deleted message: are you sure you meant to ask me?

em: you weren't awkward at all!

deleted message: i was the awkward one

em: but sure that sounds like fun!

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considering he was fairly hungry already, it was only natural for varian to open up a box of the pop tarts that he intended to buy, just so he could have a bite out of the sweet treat on his way out, but then emily’s question interrupted him abruptly. oh, she thought i was serious… varian mused, as he didn’t really opposed to the idea, but then again he never expected a pretty girl to even go along with the joke. and naturally, this only got him even more nervous, to the point of chuckling every other few words. “i mean–– i didn’t think you would be up for it…” he shrugged “but i really wouldn’t mind the company… and i am hungry. no pressure though.” 

emily watched as he ate a poptart. was i didn’t think you would be up for it just a nice way of saying he’d been kidding? had she made him think he had to? she looked at her basket as if there was a purpose and then back at him. “are you sure? i wouldn’t want to impose.”

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The relief was felt was instantaneous. She was glad that the other girl was letting it go for now, or at least was distracted enough not to realize that’s what she was doing. Even just one more day of putting off that discussion was a blessing, “Okay, so basic ghost stuff. Got it,” Cerise was honest enough with herself to say that she didn’t know much beyond what Ghostbusters and that old Patrick Swayze her mom loved had taught her. Typing ghosts into the search bar would probably get her a whole bunch of stuff they didn’t want, but it was a start, “1,345 results…any of these look good?”

She made room and gestured for Emily to join her on the other side of the counter.

“1,345?!” emily gasped as she made her way around the counter. she squinted as if that were somehow going to make it all easier to read and scrolled through the options slowly. she leaned back and grimaced. “why on earth would anyone want to know thirteen ways to legally marry a ghost? who even writes these things? is there any way to make this less vague?”

[spectergeuse]

you wouldn’t guess it at first glance, but blake loved mad hatter’s tea parlor. the seats were big and she could curl up or stretch out on them, they had a raspberry jasmine tea that she adored, and they often let her stay as long as she wanted. and in return, the eccentric owner and his band of employees seemed to love her too, and not just because of her cute cat ears or her heterochromia. thanks to her reading and love of poetry, she often spoke at length with a lot of the staff about authors and genres, which in turn earned her an occasional free macron with her tea or looking the other way when her shoes were off and her legs were crossed over each other in a chair. she was there today, taking in the sunlight through a large bay window and re-reading a well-loved novel about fairytales in an ornate chair almost twice her size with her legs slung over one of the arms. the place was quietly bustling around her, paying her no relative mind. but then - someone was. her ears perked up, and while she made no other visible movements, she did pause in her reading. she didn’t even move the book away from her as she spoke, her voice gentle and dark against all the bright colors and madness. “ did you need me to move out of the way ? ” was her question, referring to her legs, knowing that just behind her was more seating.

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emily was trying to clean up as quietly as possible. there were only a few people and they were all quiet. if she didn’t know any better, she’d think she was in a library. she counted the inventory of cups and realized she was missing one more teacup than there were people. she scanned the room and found it over by the girl with the cat ears.

she tiptoed across the room and grabbed her chest when suddenly the girl spoke to her. “oh gosh, you nearly gave me a heart attack. no you’re fine. someone sitting behind you earlier didn’t return their cup. speaking of which, are you done? would you like a refill?”

[slayere-deactivated20160507]

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failing to hold back a smirk, varian found it somewhat cool that they shared such a liking for s’more poptarts. not that it was a rare thing or anything, but with his brain always reminding him about chance and choice, the coincidence just seemed peculiar to him. “emily, that’s a pretty name. i’m varian.” he exclaimed, picking an extra two boxes for his own basket as well. “shall we?”

emily was so distracted by the word pretty that she momentarily didn’t know what he was talking about when he said shall we. then she realized he meant about the pizza. she hadn’t realized pizza was going to be a serious endeavor. that would involve spending time together and she couldn’t understand why he’d want to do that; she wasn’t pretty or funny or interesting. “oh, um, are you sure? we don’t have to if you don’t want to. it was just a suggestion...”

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“Seriously, don’t worry about it. It’s really not a big deal,” If Emily pressed, she’d tell her, after they’d figured out this whole ghost business. Weaving her way through the aisles and customers on her way to the computer, Cerise hoped that would be the end of it.  Emily had come to her for help solving a problem, not to add another one. She was totally content not having the attention on her. Besides, it wasn’t like she was about to explain why she smelled like dead things, “So, do you just want something general? Famous hauntings? Maybe something on exorcisms?”

cerise telling her it wasn’t a big deal and to not worry about it had the opposite effect. any time someone said that, whatever it was ended up being a big deal. her brother had said it the night he died when she’d thanked him for picking her up. she could almost feel the hole in her heart getting bigger at the thought of it. cerise’s question snapped her out of it and emily looked up. “oh, um... why-” she lowered her voice, “why one might see them when no one else seems to?”