Harry Potter reread VIII: Tom Riddle, pungeon master
when Harry dreams about Voldemort and Wormtail, he overhears Voldemort saying that Wormtail is going to do a service for him, one that “many of my followers would give their right hands to perform.” give their right hands to perform. their RIGHT HANDS. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Voldemort is a fucking top notch joker. like this guy is a weird helpless fetus baby drinking snake milk to survive and he’s making jokes THAT WILL TAKE AN ENTIRE YEAR TO COME TO FRUITION. he’s PUNNING in ADVANCE.
“Halfway up the field stood an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace, with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance.” this is the Malfoys’ tent. discuss.
so either the Weasleys took out a mortgage on their house or they pulled the vehicular equivalent of a dine and dash because I can’t for the life of me work out how else they could have possibly paid the fare for two taxis from Ottery St Catchpole to London King’s Cross. this is the one thing that unsuspended my disbelief. dragons? sure. taxi fare from Devon to London? YOU’RE PULLING MY LEG, JOANNE!!!
Sirius Black is honestly about a subtle as a brick. ”don’t use Hedwig to send me messages, Harry! she’s easily recognisable! snowy owls aren’t native to Britain!!! h/o I’ll just tie this letter to a toucan and send it to fucking Surrey.” how this man remained at large for 3 years is honestly beyond me. not to mention the fact that, after hanging out with him for approximately 3 hours and exchanging a handful of letters, Harry knows Sirius well enough to be like, “he’ll probably come bursting right into the castle if I tell him someone’s entered me in the Triwizard Tournament.” Harry gets it. Harry remembers the whole “THERE’LL BE ONLY ONE MURDER HERE TONIGHT!” fandango. Harry fucking knows that Sirius Black is the biggest drama queen to ever live.
do you know what I’d completely forgotten? peoples’ ACTUAL reaction to Moody turning Draco into a ferret. I think I had the movie version superimposed over the book version in my head, and just assumed that everyone laughed and thought it was bantz. it turns out the entire entrance hall watches in “terrified silence” as Moody bounces Draco off the STONE FLOOR while Draco is SQUEALING IN PAIN. like when you’re 8 years old reading this scene it’s like “haha, Draco got turned into a ferret!” but when you realise that this guy is a disguised death eater, who’s w/out a doubt targeting Draco because he’s the son of a death eater who escaped punishment and renounced the Dark Lord, it gets really fucking sinister. “TERRIFIED SILENCE.” not a SINGLE PERSON LAUGHED.
on a slightly happier note: Lucius wanted to send Draco to Durmstrang, but Narcissa put her foot down because it’s too far away. one thing you cannot deny is that Narcissa loves her son; she’d do anything for him. what I’m getting at here is this: if everything had gone to plan, and Voldemort had risen and Harry had died and Voldemort had taken over the Ministry and Hogwarts and the entire country, Narcissa Malfoy would have quietly taken Barty Crouch Jr to one side, and she would have put him in the ground.
it turns out Goblet of Fire is the book that mentions Aberforth Dumbledore “practicing inappropriate charms on a goat.” I would like to know where the “DUMBLEDORE’S BROTHER FUCKS GOATS” thing came from, because I have literally heard this bandied about as fact, and I am here today to say: stop.
SO IT TURNS OUT WHEN HAGRID KNOCKS ON MADAME MAXIME’S CARRIAGE DOOR AND SAYS “BONG-SEWER”, HE’S TRYING TO SAY “BONSOIR”.
IT HAS TAKEN ME 14 FUCKING YEARS TO REALISE THIS.
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