depression blog

[spring-swallow]

I think I deserved it. In my dreams she tells me I did.

[spring-swallow]

Been meditating on traumatic encounters in light of my recently. I’m trying to write my way out of the guilt and shame.

——

I can remember the first

I could recognize her silhouette in a room full of shadows

I could sculpt the curve of her hip from memory

I can remember the moment I knew I loved her

I can remember the sunlight when she told me she loved me.

I can remember the bruises she gave me.

I can remember the ring.

I can remember when the birthmark faded and I realized it had never been a birthmark at all.

I can remember the feeling of our hearts breaking. I’m not sure that I’ve felt like that since.

Just resigned to the end.

Just tired to the end.

Just angry.

Just sad.

But then, I can remember the moment I knew I loved another, and my heart aches.

And I can remember every time I told someone new I loved them, and when I didn’t.

I can remember realizing what was love, what wasn’t, and what could have been.

Love means leaving. Love means letting go. I light the incense and pray. I light the incense and let go.

I light the incense and love myself.

—

a short meditation on love.

a short meditation on myself.

[spring-swallow]

I just want her to hold me, I don’t think I’m capable of dating anyone anymore because I am feeling kind of traumatized.

[spring-swallow]

I have nowhere else to post this but I hooked up with an actual Olympian and it was … interesting

A stone top which isn’t my favorite thing. Also she got me so drunk beforehand and honestly I need time to digest everything

She was a lot rougher than I expected and at some points I honestly was concerned. My neck feels a little bruised from choking and my windpipe doesn’t feel great. She was a lot stronger than me and idk I feel weird about that

Also, she kept shotgunning whiskey into my mouth even though I didn't want it and then I got too drunk…

Weird experience overall and would not repeat it although she definitely wants to be added to my roster

I barfed partway through the night and woke up hungover and am disappointed because I’m an early riser and nowhere is open for breakfast before 7

She’s also only the 4th person I’ve hooked up casually with in the 3 ish years since I moved to the city.

[spring-swallow]

another failed date!

[iamjamesmatthew]

Dos Gardenias lyrics (English translation)

Two gardenias for you With them I mean to say “I love you, I adore you, my love” Give them all of your attention Because they represent your heart and mine

Two gardenias for you They will have the warmth of a kiss Of one of those kisses I gave you And that you’ll never find In the warmth of another lover

The flowers will live and will talk to you Just as when you are with me And you will believe That they will actually say “I love you” to you

But if one afternoon The gardenias of my love die It’s because they have guessed That your love for me has withered Because there’s another lover.

[spring-swallow]

I feel a lot free-er despite this backslide because I remembered / identified how I felt triggered and acted out my trauma and also acted out my self / external destructive tendencies to make the end come

[changenameslikeclothes]

backsliding so hard since june started

[spring-swallow]

It’s crazy I can feel it in my bones in my arms in my chest in my shoulders all of the stress and also my period started a week early bc of this

[changenameslikeclothes]

backsliding so hard since june started

[spring-swallow]

I need to find myself

[spring-swallow]

I just find this really fascinating because I definitely just failed to correct my behavior and fucked up again w someone I care about, someone who after I got home, I texted all my friends to tell them I fucked up and that I am probably in love with. How can you make an emotionally corrective relationship? How can you recover from stumbles? How can you stop the action and correct it as it comes?

[spring-swallow]

raise your hand if you made out with your ex and wonder if you should talk about it or pretend it didn’t happen and now have acid reflux because of the anxiety

[spring-swallow]

let me whisper sweet nothings into your pussy

[pinayelf]

PSA to Naturalized Citizens in the US

Some time ago I went to request a new ss card on the social security website and it said I wasn't a citizen despite being naturalized over 15 years ago as a kid. Then found out my parents and siblings have the same problem.

If you're a naturalized citizen of the US check on the Social Security website

You're unfortunately going to have to make an account if you don't have one and confirm your identity.

When you're done request a new card (even if you already have yours) and it'll tell you what the status is

There's an issue where some people were never told they had to change that status with SS after naturalization and that it doesn't automatically change

I'm of the belief that no one should be illegal and fuck ICE all the way, but this is a way to make sure that my fellow immigrants, documented or not, are safe

Please reblog to boost.

[spring-swallow]

I had a dream that I was in bed with someone new and I called her someone old’s name and ugh what a pain that even in my sex dreams I think of my ex.

[spring-swallow]

Wishing for true love at 2:22

[spring-swallow]

When I was 15 I read a story about a woman who dated unsuccessfully for years, then wrote out every trait she wanted in a partner. She met the man she would marry the next day.

I made my own list then, full of points that were good and some that were frivolous. I’d still keep some of them though.

What’s your list?

[spring-swallow]

Most of the time mine has gone from a 70 point list to just three things. Ambitious, funny, and kind. Are you out there?

[spring-swallow]

When I was 15 I read a story about a woman who dated unsuccessfully for years, then wrote out every trait she wanted in a partner. She met the man she would marry the next day.

I made my own list then, full of points that were good and some that were frivolous. I’d still keep some of them though.

What’s your list?