Its hard to find motivation when your last source burned you (Part 1) [True Stories]
I may have not always made perfect decisions in my life.
But you know what I did do? The best I could.
At one point I was told that meant something. But, I was also told a lot of things that would later be contradicted.
In the beginning, I was told I was making “unprecedented strides in a selfless pursuit for our perfect future.”
In the end, I was told I was “a loser running away from their problems.”
My positioning on the scale often fluctuated based on the amount of alcohol consumed that evening. Not by me, I don’t drink. But this is later down the road. Lets go back to when it all started.
I had just left a full-time job, gave up my stable residency and used all of the money I had to my name to cover the expenses: my decision. And I was perfectly alright with that. I considered it cashing out and paying my life tab before leaving. No, I wasn’t dying, it was the opposite. I was living.
Not only did I feel purpose and direction for the first time in my adult life, I had the opportunity to not let my past interfere with any of it. For years, all I hoped for was this moment, and finally, here it was.
I loaded my car up as much as I could and got on the highway with $47 left in my pocket. The destination was 300+ miles away, though it took almost 10 hours due to holiday traffic. Because everything going on was so abrupt, I hadn’t payed much attention to the date, which ironically enough was July 4. Independence Day. Though this was never intentional, I found it to be highly symbolic when I realized why we weren’t moving more than a few feet every 10 minutes.
Finally, I arrived. My new home surrounded by new places, new things and new people. I can’t emphasize “new” enough. The excitement and anticipation were intoxicating. But also accompanied with brief realizations of reality, and the overall gravity of the situation: I’m hours away from everything I know in life. I don’t know any of these places, I don’t know any of these people, Hell, I don’t know if any of this is even going to work.
I had less than $5 of the $47 I left with, but I also had 2 new jobs secured, 1 of which I start the following day (which is part of the abruption) and the other 2 weeks later. Previously, I had been pretty reckless with money and usually spent most of it on stupid shit I shouldn’t have been buying, sometimes compulsively. I knew in order for anything to work, I had to tighten up with everything, and I accepted this challenge willingly, because I really was striving to live a better life. After all, there was purpose and direction to it.
Not wanting to drive hours out of the way in pursuit of a lower cost of living (that wouldn’t make much of a difference to begin with), our cheapest hotel option was around $500. This also tied into “people and places,” as the guests and residents at this hotel didn’t resemble certain crowds of people I mixed with in previous years. I can’t say the same about the cheaper alternatives.
Prior to my move, there was a bad falling out between Liv and her sister, and she wasn’t making enough money to afford getting an apartment on her own, so she began staying at this hotel using one of her high limit credit cards. With such an expensive weekly rate, she wasn’t able to pay down her cards and save for an apartment if she wasn’t working, which she couldn’t do if she was actively pursuing a new job.
Having two jobs helped her immensely with the bills and allowed for us to get an apartment a lot faster than we expected: 2 months.
But those 2 months weren’t easy, nor would it have been for any couple. Our hotel room was the size of a large bedroom with a full refrigerator and stove in it, so to say space was limited would be an understatement. We didn’t argue at first, but there came a point when we would bicker. I anticipated this adjustment we were going through, as we were two different people getting used to living together and never having any real “downtime” other than being at work, which doesn’t qualify, realistically speaking. Liv, on the other hand, was very persistent with vocalizing her discomfort, which, was understandable and beneficial to our growth per se.
She made comment one morning that she really appreciates how selfless I’ve been throughout everything and that I’ve made more effort in a day for our relationship than her ex husband made in years when they were married. It meant a lot to feel appreciated, because it wasn’t always easy. I’m not someone who just “changes” for other people. But I acknowledge there were some unfavorable traits and conflicting opinions that I had to work on if things were going to work out. So I did as best I could each and every day without ever having any “me” time in the transition.
We rented a 2 bedroom apartment, 1 room for us and the other to use as an (my) office, and it really made a difference.
Sure, the apartment wasn’t awe-inspiring visually. It was old, had baseboard heating, no centralized air and suffered very apparent signs of water damage (we were on the top floor), but it was a start. It was the first thing that was officially “ours,” and considering everything that it took to get to this moment, had an immense impact on me. Liv was proud, my folks were proud, even I was proud of these accomplishments I was making. They may seem irrelevant on the surface to those who weren’t experiencing them, but for me, they were life changing.
Perhaps it was the “honeymoon phase,” that transitional period when we got the apartment. Things began taking a drastic turn about a month later and would ultimately progress for the worst.
This concludes part 1 as typing everything at once would be too much, both mentally, emotionally, and for the sake of anyone's attention span.
To be continued.
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