rises slowly from a flaming puddle of vodka

[squeakynico]

nobody reads this... Sandra probably only read a fraction before she turned away in disgust at my manic ramblings.

i am doing much better now. still waiting for my court date (december 3rd), but the medication has me stable. i have an absolutely wonderful girlfriend, who truly loves me and i her... i even have a job! as a short order/prep cook for my favorite local bar. not that i'm particularly good at it, but i keep showing up and doing my utmost best.

Liz has been great. So Great for me. everything i always wished Sandra would be. kept waiting around for.

i still won't ever stop loving Sandra as a person, but it was never going to work out from the very beginning. my mom said to be careful, but i wasn't. Mania waiting to happen, and it did.

Liz is just, there. with me. through it all, knowing what i am capable of. not that she's read any of this, but i did tell her about it. she has her issues with anxiety and depression too. i love her so much ❤

[squeakynico]

this last mania was by far the most destructive mania of my life so far... i had my jaw broken by a complete stranger, got institutionalized twice and arrested drunk for spitting in a cop's face, went thousands of dollars into debt, insulted my mother on her birthday, and betrayed the trust of someone whom i love and respect, by behaving like a complete and total psychopath.

it's the last part that matters the most to me, but there's nothing that will ever repair that damage. i am not Jesus, and Lady Gaga is not Satan Lady God Incarnate, and nothing i can do or say will make Sandra talk to me again. if she ever does read this, i just want her to know that i am sorry for all the trouble.

sealing this blog shut, for whenever i need to go back show myself what a fucked up loony i have been. this is not the part of me that i want to dwell on, but it's here... as a reminder.

"do not allow another mania to take place."

[squeakynico]

mental note: my therapist recommended this site as well

[squeakynico]

got to talk to my new psychiatrist for the first time today... she wouldn't put me back on the welbutrin, even though i told her i thought about killing myself every day.

she seems to be of the school of thought, that i can think/will myself into feeling happy again, and that the lithium is effective in dealing with depression, which it never has been for me.

i told her it wasn't the welbutrin that triggered the last mania, and that the ziprasidone makes me feel like a non-entity. hopefully the lamotrigene will help, but it's not an anti-depressant, just another mood stabilizer.

i started talking to a new therapist, and she seems nice enough. i just can't stand mindfulness exercises, which is all she's been able to recommend so far. still, it's nice to be able to cry to someone every couple of weeks.

i wish i could go back to Dr. Cuebas, but since the hospitalizations, the VA decided they had to take over. for my mother's sake, i hope it's not the death of me. my new psychiatrist literally just called suicide "the coward's way out," which makes me think she has no idea what she's talking about.

i could get that sort of advice from facebook.

[squeakynico]

mental note of weird dreams:

3-5 recurring dream of being crushed by the static Globe

16 waking dream of the Black Eagle on my bedpost

17 waking dream of the Giant Insect under my bed

23 waking dream of Gertrude Stein's Face on my truck roof

30 strange dream of the Chinese Man with One Blue Eye and One White Eye coming to Strangle Me, which i Woke Up from

32 first dream of flying

[squeakynico]

i just wish i didn't have to rewrite the Bible alone (see PBR post) ... but i guess it will help with continuity.

logistically, i may even have to change a few of Jesus' words? i can't even remember what all he said, besides "Love", and most of the Beatitudes... but those won't have to change At All ❤

ugh, really not looking forward to the slog through the old testament... that will require MASSIVE revisions. maybe i'll start with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, which really shouldn't require much. except for some stuff about Jesus in the desert with the Devil. for that, i believe it was actually his Mother, showing him the World as Man would have it.

but, Jesus was no Ordinary Man. he was tasked by God, to go around Fulfilling Every Single Old Testament Prophecy, and also to say the word "Love," Over and Over and Over. he was also a brilliant Rabbi. truly his Mother's Son ❤

[amari-omaru]

Please repost and share this information.

This is very scary and concerning for black people. AGAIN DEHUMANIZING BLACK PEOPLE

Black people health conditions aren't taken seriously compared to others.Many black people are scared to go to the hospital for this reason

Black women are 4x likely to die from complications of childbirth than white women in the United states.they've had experience that has unacceptably poor maternal health outcomes

[squeakynico]

in case anyone wants to know, PBR's Non-Alcoholic "beer" is absolutely disgusting... i applaud their effort, but it took me three days to finish a single can.

[squeakynico]

was going to sell plasma today, but they were closed due to a "power outrage"

now being visited by the greatest dog in the world - a husky corgi named Tusker. he decided to sit on my table, which is always a blessing ❤

happy Stonewall Anniversary, by the way! i hate using the word Pride... i think Gladness is more accurate, for me. i thank God often, to have been born a Lesbian, and i thank the Women who fought for my rights 51 years ago. without them my life would be very different.

[squeakynico]

i really wish i had had my chart done today... i think it was bad luck for me to leave the house :/

seriously - ParkGrounds water went out as soon as i walked in the door. i also ran a red light accidentally, looking for a place to stop and put in my Buffy St. Marie cd. i also rolled into oncoming traffic, making sure my stuffed animals were strapped in... what's next?

i think i should just get back home as quickly as possible, and get back into bed... i kind of want to avoid staying in bed too much though, since that's pretty much all i'll be able to do when i'm in jail. oh well, this is one of those days.

[squeakynico]

sometimes when people mess up my order at McDonalds, i think it's because they hate me for not utilizing my platform as Thought-Read Jesus Reincarnate for something more important... i cannot help it, i am only a human being, with many, many issues of their own... Schizophrenia being one of them.

[squeakynico]

last night i dreamed i drove a truck full of arrows all around... i didn't know where they were supposed to be going.

the truck stops were all set up like spaceports, with huge abysses in between all the showers. someone cleaned the tall table i was eating at, and took some really pretty glass blocks that i had gleaned from one of the carts, and i became upset, but i was still on my mission to deliver these arrows to *someplace*.

i never really dream of Sandra or Fletcher, per se... if i hadn't stolen a bunch of pictures from my friend Nigel's instagram, i don't even know if i could remember what Fletcher even looks like. still, the arrows indicate that this dream was highly Fletcher-related.

i have been waiting for three days now, for my probation officer to get back to me and tell me when i am supposed to go to jail. i was ready on Monday. i was ready on Tuesday. i am ready Today.

i am at her mercy... she is a very nice lady, albeit a little put upon. i know that when she finally reads my email, she will be disappointed because i was THIS CLOSE to wrapping things up with this sentence... Blah.

i finally moved off the couch in the downstairs apartment. the first bed i slept in, a bunch of bugs attacked me in the middle of the night, and i can't figure out what kinds of bugs they were... the bite patterns do not indicate fleas, bedbugs, scabies, chiggers, *anything* i can find online. they look almost like mosquito bites, and are evenly distributed all throughout my torso and upper legs.

the second bed i slept in, last night, was the one i brought with me from Dallas. i forgot how short it is (a full) - my legs stuck off the bottom! it's a good bed though... Ikea has good solid stuff.

it is very quiet at the dog park today. i think i will go to the record store and look for more Nico cds.

[squeakynico]

don't ask me why, but am actually excited by this drawing ❤

[squeakynico]

last night i had a waking dream, where i flew to the top of a castle and replaced a Whole wand with a Broken one. the broken one was mine, but i left it there.

i never know what these things mean, but i know this means *i* am broken. even after i took the good one, *i* am broken.

now is when my depression kicks back in, and i can only look back at myself in Horror and Disgust. i have never made a good decision, or said a single good thing in my life. i know everyone hates me now, and there's no way i can dig myself out. if i kill myself, they'll hate me even more, and odds are i would go to Hell anyways for being such a fuckup.

who can help me now? if i am supposed to be Jesus come back, that means the love of Jesus has been denied, even to me. i can love everyone else in the world - Jesus does/did, and still does - but when i look into my soul there is only a Vacuum.

this is why i would rather be manic and/or deranged, because only then do i escape this Void. but just because i am flying above it, does not mean it is not always waiting below to swallow me up.

[squeakynico]

just jad a dream where i didn't pay my federal/state income tax, in order to protest the hipocracy of the American legal system, and then went around making quasi-smarmy remarks about it that people actually seemed to be *listening* to!

it was a nice dream, but if i stopped paying taxes they would just send their collectors after me or something, and they'd want even more than the $1100 they already say i owe them from my GodDamned Disability Stipend. ugh, they would probably ship me off to debtors prison to boot.

[squeakynico]

maybe i'm just exhausted... i've been strung out on copious amounts of caffeine and two hours of sleep since yesterday, and i even got to spend the afternoon with a lovely new friend, but i couldn't even find the energy to take a shower when i got home.

i can't kill myself tonight, since tomorrow is Father's Day and i love my dad... is there ever a good day to kill yourself, that won't hurt somebody else? i think i am just exhausted, but life seems pretty bleak at this point. what if i *had* to kill myself, and everyone in the world is expecting it, and *that* is when the world will change?

i guess it didn't work for Jesus last time, but at least he had God to guide him... i have jack shit, just debt upon debt and more jailtime on the horizon.

i wish someone would tell me what to do, besides "hang in there"... i wish Sandra would give me a great big hug again, she was always really good at that ❤

[squeakynico]

also though, it doesn't matter if i am drunk or sober, listening to music or not, taking pills or not taking pills - the pills don't seem to help my longing, my thinking of people i have no business thinking about...

i was on antipsychotics all those times i drove to Palestine, and i'm on antisychotics now, tracing steps all around the spaces Sandra inhabits. i need a therapist, but will likely find none through the VA who could be of assistance, if the last one was any indication of the kind of rapport i can expect...

it's this stupid unrequited (that is a stupid word) love which keeps me alive (also a stupid concept, but true). all i have left to go on is the honorary love of my family, and i explained how that works to my mother yesterday. i tried to be brave, and put on a good show, but i am always basically teetering on the brink of not wanting to live anymore.

sobriety sounds legitimately exciting, but i know the excitement won't last. this all sounds so cheesy, but i really don't have that much to look forward to, besides jail. i had deleted all of Fletcher's one picture from my phone, but i just looked it up again, and it makes me sad to think she really did dump me, got spooked by all my crazy texts, and *won't* ever talk to me again. i am an idiot, to think she ever would want to.

nobody who ever was spoken to that way, would. i should just learn to talk normal to people whom i'm interested in ❤