horniest sr fan

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

hello

blog separate from my main (which I am not going to post but if you can guess it, uh good for you.) for horny salt raiders posts. as you can tell I am the CEO of Sam Simps. my asks are open any time for writing requests/ideas.

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

had a silly idea for crack/fluffier smut, one of the boys somehow gets access to something that either lets them shapeshift or make a wish and goes "i wish i was [other person]'s type" and theyre expecting their entire body to change and they look down and realise that they just have more hair on their body or their dick is the tiniest bit bigger, something so small that they cant help but bluescreen because are you telling me everything else about me is already their ideal partner?????

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

i'd say "i need to stop tagging other fandoms if a work is a crossover" cause the latest fic appears to have lured in random resi fans who don't know they're reading streamer porn BUT they apparently fucking love it sooo

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

currently hotpotatoing between writing more robot fucking content (i LOVE machines dude) and staif omegaverse. anyone's guess whats being finished first el em ay oh

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

girlbossed too close to the sun (injured a finger i use for typing)

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

currently hotpotatoing between writing more robot fucking content (i LOVE machines dude) and staif omegaverse. anyone's guess whats being finished first el em ay oh

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

BOO JUMPSCARE

THATS RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS. I'VE POSTED ON AO3. the horror i know.

anyway it's a silly resident evil au inspired by a few things that happened in the outbreak streams. pacing's a bit scuffed and i think it's a bit... over the top but idc. have it. planning to make this a series

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

writing on an old bunkass laptop that needs to be plugged in at all times or else it'll die instantly because either the cord or battery are fucked but the cord is shit and continually gets knocked out is an experience

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

staif eggpreg on ao3 SOON

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

rediscovered my old mac laptop and idk if anything couldve prepared me for remembering "oh yeah i have a folder full of hand screenshots"

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

[original drafting date: september 27th, 2024. fuckin' yikes!!]

okay first set of impostor!sr x crewmate!kaif headcanons(drabble? headdrabble? drabcanons? idk its kinda both). this one is sam.

these two have been at each others throats since they first started working together

it’s sort of become a running joke on the ship, with a sign posted in the dining hall counting the ‘days since last murder attempt from kaif or sam’. the current record is 4.

it’s so bad that there’s actually a rule that they are not permitted to be grouped together for certain tasks unless there is a legitimate emergency

kaif honestly hates sam. he’s always getting in the way and nitpicking kaif on the smallest details, starting fights wherever he can. it drives him up the fucking wall.

sam, however, absolutely adores kaif. these kinds of interactions- intentionally challenging others to fights in ways that allow them to ‘prove’ themselves- is very very flirtatious for impostors. sam knows that kaif doesn’t see it this way, but that doesn’t stop him from falling in love with this stupid, reckless human.

kaif tries to throw a punch at sam despite sam being taller (i think) kind of a brick wall of a man (at least, in comparison to kaif), and literally working in security where sam’s main job is to be the ship’s enforcer and kick the shit out of intruders/pirates and sam instantly goes “this one. i want this one.” and begins to ‘challenge’ him back to find where kaif’s limit is. he has not found it, something that makes him fall deeper in love each day.

when the murders start, their feud cools down a bit before exploding again, each man throwing suspicion at the other relentlessly

nothing is done about this, however, as everyone simply believes it to be just kaif and sam at it again. a few of them even judge them for bringing up such petty conflicts in a legitimate life or death situation

as a result, nobody wants to eject kaif or sam

unfortunately for everyone, sam legitimately is an impostor, one who is intentionally pushing at kaif in this situation to give himself a layer of security. he also finds it cute how angry he gets, but that’s beside the point.

admittedly, even if sam is deeply in love with kaif, it doesn’t stop him from being a manipulative bastard to him. if anything, it makes him worse.

he’s been trying to figure out for the longest time how he can get kaif to fall in love with him, or at least, get him into a position where sam can keep him all for himself, and the other impostors on the ship finally beginning to put the sabotage plan into action is the perfect opening for him.

when sam realises that his plan is working, he ends up being a lot more... lenient, around kaif, letting him see legitimately suspicious behaviours because he knows nobody’s going to believe him. he knows that kaif will also try to push sam based on these behaviours, but because nobody believes him, all this will do is distance kaif from the other crew mates as they begin to see him as the boy who cried wolf

kaif can only watch with horror as sam and the other impostors slowly pick everyone off one by one, not a single person believing his desperate warnings.

he doesn’t even vote in the last meeting, holding his head down to hide his tears as the last crewmate on board is forced into the airlock.

he’s not crying because he misses them- honestly, fuck all of them. they should’ve listened. he’s crying because he knows that he is next and there is nothing he can do about it because nobody else wanted to help him. he is dying due to the incompetence and selfishness of others.

the other two impostors move to finish kaif off, and he watches in horror as sam guts them both with his hands right in front of kaif, before turning to him and licking his lips, face drenched with blood and gore.

kaif tries to run, but he doesn’t get very far before sam catches him, pushing him down face first onto the table, strong, inhuman hands pinning his wrists as sam pants animalistically above him.

he’s absolutely terrified, sobbing hysterically begging for sam to let him go.

unfortunately for him, sam is still very fucking in love with kaif. he’s so happy to have finally gotten kaif all to himself, and smelling all of his fear right now is only turning him on.

he’d hoped he would be able to hold off until he took kaif back to his own ship, where he’d be staying from now on, but the way kaif squirms against him is just too cute.

kaif is not expecting for his suit to be ripped away, exposing his ass, crotch and thighs, cold air hitting his skin.

he is certainly not expecting for sam to suddenly lean down, hands moving to his back, and push his absurdly large, monstrous tongue deep inside of him, stretching him out as he slowly begins to fuck him with his tongue.

it doesn’t take long until sam is able to move his hands from kaif’s back to his thighs, gently holding him open, as he knows that kaif is far too overwhelmed to try and escape right now, his legs shaking as his hands claw at the table, desperately trying to find anything to grip onto, overwhelming pleasure flooding his body.

kaif is so confused. he doesn’t understand why sam is doing this to him, and he doesn’t understand why it feels so fucking good. he tries his hardest not to cum- he really does- but he’s fighting a losing battle as sam’s thick tongue hits all the right spots inside of him, rubbing against his insides as it slowly stretches him out, sam’s saliva running down his thighs.

he cums so hard black spots dance in his eyes for a few moments, but he’s not given any chance to recover as sam continues to have his way with him, tears of fear quickly turning to ones of overstimulation as sam continues to stretch him out, using him relentlessly

kaif's an absolute wreck by the time sam pulls away, sobbing uncontrollably, limp like a marionette with it's strings cut

sam doesn't think he's ever been this turned on before as he moves to tear his own suit so that he can fuck kaif properly

he pulls kaif onto his lap, monstrous dick poking into his stomach. kaif is terrified, but despite his shame, genuinely aroused right now. he doesn't understand why the mix of fear, pain from where sam's claws have accidentally nicked him, adrenaline and the sight of his completely alien ridged cock is turning him on so much, and he finds himself becoming incredibly excited.

kaif's a very good liar. he can keep a poker face. thing is, as mentioned earlier, it's very easy for impostors to tell a person's emotion through other means. sam knows kaif is into it. he can smell it, the scent of his arousal drowning out almost everything else, heavy and strangely addictive.

it also doesn't help that kaif is quite clearly staring directly at sam's dick. that thing goes up past his navel, throbbing as it rests on his exposed skin, leaking pre cum from the odd, slanted tip. it has to be thicker than his forearm, too. kaif wants it- he wants it so fucking badly, but at the same time he's not sure if he'll even be able to take it without being split in two.

sam just chuckles. he grabs kaif's hips, manhandling him, seating him directly on his cock. kaif yelps as it sinks into him, sam pulling him down so that it's all inside of him from the get go. even after sam spent so long warming him up, it's still a stretch, making him hiss slightly, stomach visibly bulging from where it rests inside of him. the slight pain quickly turns to an overwhelming warmth, his eyes blowing wide as his own dick twitches eagerly. sam just keeps grinning. the fact he can produce a very potent aphrodisiac really helps with situations like this- now poor kaif wont get worn out so easily! he can sit here and help sam out for as long as he needs him to <3

sam wastes no time in lifting him up and beginning to use the smaller man like a fleshlight. kaif feels like he loses his mind within the first few seconds, sam's cock filling him up in ways he hadn't thought possible. the ridges feel amazing as sam plows into him again and again, keeping an utterly breakneck pace. he doesn't know how long they stay like that. he loses track of almost everything after the fifth orgasm, world melting into a haze of overstimulation and pleasure. he feels like sam's rearranging his organs by now, like this has to start hurting at some point. it wont. sam's not going to break him like that, even if kaif doesn't know it. it's too much, but at the same time he can't help but want more. he knows he shouldn't- sam's a fucking murderer for christ sake- but he does. he wants sam to cum inside of him, to kiss him, to keep fucking him like this. he obviously doesn't realise that he's saying all this out loud with how far gone he is.

it's about a few hours before sam finally finishes with kaif. he's cum inside of him several times by now(he was really pent up, okay?), the two of them an absolute mess as sam pulls kaif into him, gently running his clawed hands through his hair.

sam's finally won against kaif. it just so happened the whole time he was doing the courting thing wrong! he couldn't tease, scare or intimidate him into submission- no, kaif's too resilient for that, too much of a cunning (and worthy) opponent in those fields. sam just needed a different approach, and it turns out that kaif's really receptive to being fucked into submission over everything else!

sam grins as he begins to carry the other man back to his ship, remotely setting this ship to self destruct since he's already moved kaif's belongings over. now that he knows how to properly take care of his mate, he knows that the two of them are going to be able to live together just fine.

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

thinking abt yandere ebbz drugging kaif cause like, have you SEEN the early kaif vlogs? istg he had a beer at least every five minutes in those. im imagining this is pre relationship for them, but it'd be so easy for her to slip something in his drink and he wouldn't even notice. it'd be so unbelievably easy for her to get him incredibly vulnerable, disorientated, and intoxicated enough that she knows that he's not going to remember the rest of this night. she's able to get him alone quite easily, as even if there are others hanging out with them they'd probably be alright with leaving him with ebbz. after all, ebbz is a pretty close friend! they can easily trust her to get him back to where he's staying, right? she wouldn't do anything to him, right? right?

ebbz obviously wouldn't leave kaif alone after getting him back. she's put in so much work to get him like this- why would she stop here? from here, she's got no trouble getting him where she wants him. they end up on a couch, ebbz on top of kaif as his head lolls slightly to one side, sitting on his lap and keeping him there. kaif's incredibly confused when she starts to kiss him, but he's too drunk to really do anything than feebly protest. ebbz finds it utterly adorable. he tries to struggle a bit more when she makes her intentions obviously known, pulling off his shirt and pants so he's just there in his boxers as ebbz similarly starts undressing and grinding up against him, but his body's already betraying him and he's already half hard, making quiet, choked moans that he's too inebriated to stop slipping out. ebbz moves down his boxers just enough to pull out his dick, slowly stroking it. she stops just to finish undressing herself, briefly letting her hands wander downward to her cunt, gently teasing herself for just a moment, letting kaif see just how wet she is. despite his addled state, he seems to understand where this is going instantly and tries to struggle more, desperately pleading with ebbz, no no no please don't you don't have to do this ebbz no-

ebbz ignores him, lifting herself up just enough to move his erect cock to her entrance. he shudders, hazy eyes blown wide with fear as she grins, lowering herself and pushing her inside of him. she doesn't waste any time, going all the way down to the hilt, and he throws his head back with a strangled groan as she does. ebbz moans slightly too, leaning in to messily kiss his neck as she begins to ride him. kaif is crying by now, still begging her to stop. he doesn't want this to feel good. he really, really doesn't want it to, but that doesn't stop it from feeling amazing, his pleas continually interrupted by his own, slutty moaning. his desperation only increases as he feels himself get closer and closer to the edge, begging her please ebbz i dont want to cum please please stop it-

she doesn't listen. obviously she doesn't. his sobs and moans grow even louder as his hips move involuntarily, pushing him as deep as he can go as he cums inside of her. kaif collapses, only to continue crying as ebbz doesn't stop sliding herself up and down on him at the same pace, slowly speeding up. he doesn't even know how he's still hard as the overstimulation kicks in, hands repeatedly curling into fists and outwards again, thighs trembling. he hasn't been capable of making a coherent sentence for the last five minutes by now, ebbz's much more quiet and self indulgent moans being drowned out entirely by kaif. ebbz wraps her arms around him, pulling his limp and shaking form into her own as she nears her own climax, panting and gasping directly into his ear so that he can hear everything that he's unwillingly doing to her. despite it all, kaif feels like he's going to finish again too, and he's the first of them to go again as his back arches, whimpering like a kicked puppy. ebbz finishes almost instantly after, shuddering as it crashes through her like waves. she lets kaif go, and he slumps down on the couch like a puppet with cut strings, chest heaving and glistening with sweat, eyes red with tears.

when kaif wakes up the next morning in his bed, he's got a killer fucking headache, and no memory of last night. weirdly though, he gets the sense that last night was... really fucking good. which is weird. he thought he was only going to hang out with the boys. surely it can't have been that enjoyable, right? blearily he reaches for his phone, only noticing as he stares at his reflection in the black screen that he has several hickeys on his neck. shocked and a little confused, he rolls over and-

oh. ebbz is there. holy shit, he thinks. holy fucking shit, how the fuck did i end up with her. he's honestly a little dissapointed he doesnt remember last night. after all, he's almost 100% sure ebbz could do way better than him. what the fuck did he do to manage this? he's awestruck for a few brief moments, just staring at her and admiring the way the sun filters through the curtains and illuminates her before she begins to stir. it's a bit uncomfortable for about ten or so minutes as they both wake up and pretend to be normal platonic friends, until kaif decides to finally get his shit together, hope that last night wasn't a fluke and ask her if she maybe wants to keep doing this. and also other things. like, date. and kiss. yeah. he's so good at flirting. ebbz grins, accepting it in a heartbeat with a feral, satisified glint in her eyes that kaif doesn't notice, unaware of just how many years of careful planning and stalking he's just validated.

after all, why would he suspect anything happened? ebbz is a good person. kaif can trust her. right?

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

tumblr sucks so much

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

new year new me gonna clean out my drafts. there's some particularly weird shit in there (transformation/non consensual body modification/just straight guro lmao) and idk if i'll finish it or not but i guess my new years resolution is to stop being embarassed and just be incredibly freaky on main lmao

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

shout out to my discord friends who know fuck all about sr who've convinced me to write mpreg thank you for your service to this community

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

hi. been ages since ive posted here but like. i had an idea watching some of kaif's wow videos because there was one where both he and stan were the tanks for the raid and ended up with a modern fantasy au thats just an excuse for kinky masochistic staif.

cause like, as a tank there's usually some kind of self healing ability for longevity. i was thinking that stan's healing ability can actually be used on other people, but he's not a healer because it requires him to be incredibly close to use it (as in, basically having his hands inside the wound) and it kind of feels good too. kaif's healing ability can only be used on him, and it's good enough that he never really feels pain anymore. this sucks ass for kaif because he's only realised in the absence of pain that he's a masochist who likes feeling pain.

so kaif and stan end up sharing a hotel room after a raid and they're both stressed and a bit pent up- after all, that was a really difficult raid! and they have a little argument. stan accidentally hurts kaif, but is close enough to use his healing ability, although he stops after a second of using it because he's kind of in shock. however, they discover that certain types of healing tend to cancel eachother out. stan healing kaif stopped his healing from activating for about ten whole seconds, letting kaif feel pain again.

naturally, kaif gets stan to have insane kinky sex with him to destress since stan is quite literally the only person who can make him feel pain. stan also finds out he's a bit of a sadist doing this, so its a winwin for everyone in the room.

(until they have to clean up the blood. that part sucks.)

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

"i'd love to just sneak in a sex mod without anyone knowing [to the modded minecraft playthroughs] and just clap stan"

as usual, only completely normal sentences from kaif, local straight man

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

stan's wow character name malloswen being an anagram for swallo(w) men is hysterical. like. something you wanna share with the rest of us, king? /j. and like you only have to move 3 letters to do it just by swapping them (m -> sw) how did he not see this and also how has it taken us 6+ years to catch onto it 😭