srn @srqn - Tumblr Blog

08/02/2019

There are many times that I would prefer that I’m gone. Most times I want to just leave everything and sleep eternally. Everyday I am dragging my whole body just to do basic things. Things that I usually love and or capable of doing, are not much of my interest anymore. Days, weeks, months, years has gone by, and I am still trapped in this body, mind and soul. A person who has no intricate idea on what to do. A person who has loved and cared yet no one has actually given those feelings back. I would prefer to tell everything what’s on my mind, just because I think it would lessen this heartache. But, saying all these in my head would not help me in any way as mostly everyone would think that I am just stupid and weak. When would I finally meet my happy self, again? Where would I find that happiness everyone is talking about? Would I ever find it here on this earth? Or if ever there is heaven, would I finally reach the happiness and love there?

15/11/2019

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Things are being so difficult these past weeks. I don’t blame anyone that all these are happening. I blame myself because I let these happen. I can’t shake the fact that after everything that I thought I was doing good for the better, is just all fake. I’m only faking that I am happy. Faking that I am doing “better”. Faking that I love myself. But, all these are just fake feelings. Why can’t I end this? Why can’t I just let go of everything and just end all these. I am so tired. I can’t even remember the last time that I was genuinely happy. A lot of things had happened that I thought made me happy, but they were all just false hope for me. I thought if I keep going out, I will eventually find myself. I thought that if I continue playing games, I will forget everything what’s in my head. I thought that if continue loving people, they will love me back and pick up my broken pieces. I can’t seem to find that “Sophia” that is always happy, cheerful, not scared of anything and just be brave. Why can’t I be happy? Why is that every time I thought I am finally happy, I always fall down. I’m tired of breaking down. I’m tired of endlessly crying. I’m tired of pouring my heart yet no one wants to catch it. Maybe there is someone that actually cares, but why am I still feeling this way? If someone genuinely loves me, why am I still unhappy? Why do I still feel unloved? Not needed? I’m extremely tired of my life but I can’t end it.

Thought of the day 13/02/2020

Feelings. What exactly is feelings? Is that supposed to be a good thing, a bad thing? Would it express what is in my mind? Would it express as to how I would wear my expression on my face? If it is a good thing to know your feelings, why expressing it never gave a positive conclusion? Stating your love to someone could be a good thing if the opposite party is feeling the same way, however, love can also be a distinctive way to break your heart and mess with your so called feelings. Our feelings should never be a hinder as to how we connect to people. If you state that you are feeling a particular way, may it be you are upset, you are angry, you are mad, you are happy, that shouldn't be an indication that they will use it against you. If it is, it's like telling people what and how to feel about yourself. If someone is not happy by the way you expressed yourself, let them explain and realise what you are feeling, tell them, pour your heart out, and if it still doesn't reach them, maybe they need to know what they're feeling.

14/02/2020

2:02AM

Why can't we teach our mind and soul to not feel a certain emotion? Emotions that kills your inner soul, your inner peace. Emotions that last longer than you expect. Emotions that can either help or kill you. Help in a way that when you understand yourself, you can help and change for the better. On the other hand, emotions can kill anyone, most especially if there is no one there that understands what is really going on.

You know that feeling that you get every night, that cold wind that touches your negative mind, that warm drink that warms your lonely heart. The music you listen to hopefully ease the battle you are having every night. Battles that are unspoken. Battles that no one will ever understand because "it is just all in your head". Does anyone knows how hard it is to fight every day? Yes, you may have a job to sustain your needs, a bed to make yourself warm on a cold night, food on the table, but even with all these, you still find yourself in the dark place. Why? Everyone asks. I wish anyone has the answer. I wish anyone would tell us how to win. What is winning, anyway? Is that the feeling you get when you finally beat a boss in a game you have been playing for a while? Is it that feeling you get when you finally finished a race? What comes after? Would you still be happy and feel accomplished in the next few hours, days? If so, I would run a marathon for longer happiness in my heart.

Why is that the happiest person you see out there is the loneliest person you'll ever meet. "I never knew you have depression! You are such a lovely person and so happy and cheerful all the time. You make all these jokes to make people happy, but deep inside, you are as lonely as a stone left on the beach". Depression is never to be used in any argument as this makes your fragile heart even more shattered. People may use it against you that "it is just all in your head" and that depression is nothing but an excuse to everyone that is "sad all the time". Touching the subject of depression is never easy, especially if you are surrounded by people that don't believe in mental health. A word of encouragement wouldn't hurt anybody. May it be for people with or without mental health issues. Everyone just wants someone that will understand them, a person that may get tired but will not give up.

Is crying really a sign of strength? But why do we feel so vulnerable when we're crying? Why do we feel this sharp pain when we cry? Why do we always fight this urge to not do something crazy when we cry? Is that strength? When all you can think of is to drink yourself to death, cry yourself to sleep, hurt yourself or maybe kill yourself. Is crying a sign of strength? When you want to just give up and leave everything behind you? But, we are still waiting for that moment that someone will reach out their hand and help us. There is a saying that if no one can help you, you have to help yourself. You have to be strong for yourself and believe in yourself because no one else will. But what if you cannot find that in yourself? What if you can't bear and love yourself anymore? Is it too much to ask that someone will be there for us and support us? If crying is a persons' strength, why do people use it against us? "Why are you crying again? You are so weak. You can't even stand up for yourself." If they only know how much of an ocean-like tears you have cried, how much sleepless nights you have to bear, how much heartache you have to mend, how many battles you have won, how much hurt on your body you have made, negative thoughts you have fought to stop yourself from doing anything worse, maybe, just maybe, they will understand.

24/03/2020

I just want to say a few things and im pretty terrible with words so you’ll have to bare with me, please read this throughout to make sure you have understood what has been said okay babe? I want you to know that I love you I really do but you really frustrate me at times, I’ve just spent the past hour reading through your tumblr and it’s super worrying, you seem to surround yourself by negativity and then get upset that nothing is going right, you stated in one of your tumblr posts that you don’t feel like anyone loves you? Is that really true? Do you honestly believe I don’t love you? I try so hard to keep you happy and fight your demons, there have been times I just wanted to give up and walk away but I didn’t, I keep trying and trying to get through to you in hope that I can be the catalyst for change and help you with you emotions and I’m still doing that now, I spend more time focusing on your mental health than my own! I’m not complaining about that but does that sound like someone who doesn’t love you? I sat and spoke to your mum that day I was there and she absolutely adores you she really does and she wants what’s best for you but you’re so blinded by your own negative self esteem you don’t see it and you just think she’s having ago at you every-time and I honestly believe that’s not the case, I think it’s your own defence system that blocks out anyone trying to help, maybe you need to spend these next 3 weeks finding yourself, dig out the real pia and focus on fixing the problems, I want to be here to support you but I’m not a punching bag babe, I have feelings too, just remember I struggle with mental health too but I’ve been so focused on you that it’s been pushed aside, I really want you to be happy and feel loved, I also genuinely think that tumblr isn’t good, that page is rammed full of negativity and distaste, maybe wrote a diary instead, when things are really bad you can vent into a diary? Maybe practise mindfulness and meditation, put your energy into running, basically starve your negative energy with positive things, the problem you have is you surround yourself by so much negativity and that causes you to struggle to be happy and see the people who love you the most, please babe I really want you to find your happiness within, I love you... I don’t want this turning into a big conversation I just want you to read what I’ve said properly and take it in xxxxx

16/04/2020

To the person I love. Let me borrow a couple of minutes of your time. I know we’ve been through so much. We had a lot of fights. Said a lot of hurtful words to each other. We’ve been together for almost a year now and I couldn’t be any happier. The moment I saw you the first time, the moment you introduced me to your family, I was over the moon. I am so happy. And also when I met Roman, I knew that I will do everything for you and for him. I know that I said before that I will change, not because you want me to, not because I hate myself, but because I want to be a better version of myself. For me. You. My family and to my friends. I learned that writing what’s on my mind and my heart makes it a bit lighter to myself. At first I thought crying while writing this is such a weak thing to do. But I have been writing and talking to and about myself for an hour now and I feel good about it.

My love, I am thankful and happy that you want the best fir me. I love you so. I dearly love you. I can only say that things will get better soon between us. I have realised a lot just by writing my feelings. I cannot stop crying because these are all the emotions I buried in my heart. Thank you for suggesting to make myself a diary. Whenever I am doubting myself, I can only talk to myself through writing.

16/04/2020

I will continue doing this everyday, for as long as I need, to be able to become the better version of myself. And I cannot wait for that.

Love, thank you for making me realise a lot about myself. That you always tell me you love me. That I’m pretty even without make up. That I can and will achieve anything in life, as long as I put my heart to it. I am forever happy that I met you. I am always proud of you too. You have been so strong. You keep on fighting. You keep your head up high. You fight your demons while making other people smile and happy. Roman will look up to you when he grows up and I cannot wait to witness that with you. And maybe with our kid too :)

Whenever I start doubting myself again, or even talking about myself negatively, I should start looking back to the good things I’ve done fir myself for years and years. And also to accept myself, love myself, and give time for myself to appreciate and compliment my own self. I know that you will always be by my side and so am I for you. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for making me feel loved. Thank you for making me smile. My heart smile. Feeding my soul with good thoughts whenever I’m feeling down. I cannot ask for more. I cannot wait to see you soon. I promised myself that I will stop thinking negatively all the time and just keep feeding my soul with love. For me, you, and for everyone. I love you

10/05/2020

Being sweet is part of any relationship but if it is gone, it should not be force. I understand that that stage has ended xxxx

Are you okay with our relationship at the moment? Like this set up, where we only send few messages in a day? I know you wake up late and that is completely fine with me because you are tired and your medicine has kicked in, in which I am very thankful for. I know we have talked about “sweetness in a relationship does not last forever”, but not talking for quite awhile can be upsetting. I just learned to live my life everyday as it is my last day, so I want to wake up and go to sleep with a happy heart as much as I can, without any gloominess, and to tell the people around me that they matter most in my heart. And so I want to say things in my head that I think is “understandable” to talk about, because if I will just get mad and upset with you, there will be arguments and disagreements, and I do not want that in my heart and yours; instead I prefer to just talk calmly and let you know how I feel. I am not saying I want you to call me all the time, but you know, simple things, simple sweet messages matter, little things makes my heart flutter xxxx

27/04/2020

Hey babe. I just want to say that I do really miss you. Especially now that we haven’t seen each other for over a month. Your sleeping pattern is opposite to when I’m awake so I can’t really talk to you that much. And also because it’s almost our anniversary. I always give myself a pep talk that everything is fine and that whatever’s happening right now is just part of growing, and also the trust I am pouring to myself that I am working hard towards a good positive mindset. But of course there are minutes in my day that I am extremely deeply missing you. I think I’m going to bawl my eyes out when I see you again. I even teared out just by typing this. I’m going to sleep now. Don’t sleep too late please, don’t want you to get more ill. Goodnight my love xxxx

I don’t know what to say. I’m just masking my face with a smile. I cant pin point what upsets me the most. What brings me down the most. I’m just not happy that’s all. Tomorrow after work I’ll get drunk. I want to pour my heart out but I don’t know how. I haven’t even cried in a long time. I get teary eyed but thats about it. Physically I’m still alive. Emotionally and mentally, I don’t know. People will think that I shouldn’t have problems cause I don’t have my own family yet, but it’s different with having mental health conditions. And no I’m not using it as a defence. But really, I don’t care who I lost in my life anymore. They ain’t scared, I will not be too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhckVlgYZJE