scribendo cogito

(latince) yazarken düşünürüm

[sscribendocogito]

this was not the sky that i dreamt of

when i was younger than the memory of

the last blue sky i saw

let me find to way through

the red sky and the dark clouds of smoke

will i be able to fly again

i forgot how it felt to breath in open air

[sscribendocogito]

my lips darker than subconsious

my word, more cursed than midas

cast the first stone but be cautious

held by time, might become precious

[sscribendocogito]

you’re the hand i need on my back

to not to fall backwards, back to sleep

you’re the hand i need to stop biting

down into my lips, biting down

your voice snaps me out of the trance

before the abyss stares back

like the moon eclipsing the sun

you stood between me and my gravity

me and the grave i dug into my own mouth

and the doubt that numbed me

[sscribendocogito]

twentieth year down here but i’m still not used to gazes more than how my own blood tastes

twentieth year on this earth but i’m still counting my teeth every time i wake up from those deathly sleeps

i guess in all those years i was supposed to find a home to feel the homely feelings

but chanting take me home take me home take me home take me home it hurts the wounds inside my lips

[sscribendocogito]

read my lips like you’re blind

see that you’re up in my mouth

filled up with your name inside, all four walls

your name sitting next to my nails

attempts at finding a way out to come be right beside you

read my lips while i whisper who you are into your fingertips

a kiss

[sscribendocogito]

i was born on a bridge already aflame grew up putting souls out just to believe i was not a child with a home falling apart my roots learned to grow in drought and it growed on me, my blood got warmer so i filled my palms with water but when i created a tiny blue sea to reach to the shore it was too late and my words were in the same colour but i’ll never believe i’m a creature of fire because the salt of the sea is too familiar

[sscribendocogito]

masaya duvara morartacak kadar sert vurmamışız gibi, boğazına dolamak istememişiz gibi kimsenin ve kimseyi aşağı itmek istememişiz gibi aynı elleri uzatıyoruz tutsun diye ya da bir eli tutmak için

ne kadar yukarıdan olursa olsun uzatılan elin el oluşuna kazınmış bir aşağılık 

aynı dişleri kimseye bilememiş gibi gülüyoruz kocaman, aynı dili sivri değilmiş gibi gezdiriyoruz bedende, aynı dudaklarla kendimden nefret ettiğimi söylememişim gibi öpüyorum seni, ya da senden

şimdi kalbin yerinden çıkacakmış gibi öyle mi? dursun istemedin sanki hiç

korkardım korkabilseydim ama çok geç, korkabilmek için farkına varmamam gerekirdi gerçek savunmasızlığın cehennemi yaşamış olmakta değil cehennemin hepimizin ruhuna bölüştürüldüğünü ve payına düşeni fark edişte ortaya çıktığını ve ağlamaktan korkmaktan ötesinin ağlamayı hak etmeyiş olduğunu

farkına varmamam gerekirdi neredeyse hepimizin kendisini içinde göz göze gelecek hiç bir uçurum olmadığına inandırışı yüzünden sırf bu karanlıkla göz göze gelişimizin bizi karanlıktan çeken azınlık ucube yaptığını onların gözünde hatta karanlığın ta kendisi

korkardım korkabilseydim ama gözlerimi kamaştırıyor bu korkunç karanlıkla göz göze gelişin gelebilişin ve görebilişin is a sight to see 

[sscribendocogito]

words i eat, tears i swallow

i am stiched with fear all the way down

and the void, i am afraid

will make me turn myself inside out

my pacifier, my blood

did you really think i cloud stay whole, my love?

[sscribendocogito]

yatak yuttu sandım beni

kılımı kıpırdatmadım

okyanusun en derin çukuru 

dolsa benimle

çekiştirsem kendimi 

kapatsam gökyüzünü

dönsem dünyanın etrafını

dokunsam topuklarıma

kaybetsem her parçamı

ayıklanamasam topraktan

açsam göğüs kafesimi

kaburgalarımla ısırsam, yutsam yeri

her atomun içinde birazım olsa

her şey olabilsem sürekli

bulabilecek miyim gerçeği?

[sscribendocogito]

denizler, içinde kaybolmak istediğin

içtiğim okyanusta bir yudum

ufuk haresi gözlerimin

göz kapaklarım gök yüzün

tarihinde birkaç çağ; yeni, yakın

saniyedeki bir ritmi kalbimin

[sscribendocogito]

the buzz of the bee in my necklace wakes me up from my sleep. sadly, it’s not the only dead thing which i carry the weight of. i can’t dare to smell the roses i’ve put between the pages of my favorite books months earlier. but i will dress up in their colours everyday for the rest of my life, to remember how alive they were, how luring their scent and how real their red colour was. how this swift little bee was, i’ll remember everyday. this death shouldn’t be mourned in black. this ghost is too loved by me to do so.

[sscribendocogito]

7 - chemical reaction

quick, crash into me

i’ll disolve and you’ll get lost completely

run, but don’t be too fast

we should fell apart

but leave some of us behind

enough to watch us beautifully collide

[sscribendocogito]

5 - the view from up here

yes i see stars when i close my eyes and the skies are never too high for me

i let you watch me fly until there’s no eyes left

to look at you, eyes still drown me even though

i learned how to swim in all this reality now

but i never told you how and why it’s not enough

to hold your hand and why i can’t make you fly

by letting you borrow my wings because 

the moment you realize, it meant the end of us

that they were made to glide in the darkness

and, not at all feathery, they weren’t soft to touch

i wish i could look the sun in the eyes, too

and the blue sky i’m sure was beautiful

i believe you and i still do but darling

you should’ve realized earlier

i can understand where you are

only by hearing the echoes 

of my own words

and i’m not a bird

not at all

[sscribendocogito]

1 - dawn

one, ended up in night

and never searched the way out,

the other one.

they wrote poems 

and sang songs to the sun,

ağarana kadar tan.

[sscribendocogito]

here i am

wait, don’t leave me

i am still afraid of the dark

if that means you’ll stay, i can be?

let’s find out together

i can’t remember why i was

afraid of the dark

i don’t want to be nobody

don’t leave me

i can’t remember

it’s 3 am 

[sscribendocogito]

gülmek için sana ihtiyacım var

göremem  gözlerin olmadan

sarılamam kollarım yok benim

-

güldürüyorum seni gülmek için

gözlerine bakıyorlar beni göremeden

sarılıyorlar kollarına ama bana değil

-

asla ben olamayacaksın

ama sensiz de yaşayamam

yaşamadan var olamam

[sscribendocogito]

words i eat, tears i swallow

i am stiched with fear all the way down

and the void, i am afraid

will make me turn myself inside out

my pacifier, my blood

did you really think i cloud stay whole, my love?