Simply Me @ssimply-me - Tumblr Blog

“Timing is something that none of us can seem to get quite right with relationships. We meet the person of our dreams the month before they leave to go study abroad. We form an incredibly close friendship with an attractive person who is already taken. One relationship ends because our partner isn’t ready to get serious and another ends because they are getting serious too soon. “It would be perfect,” we moan to our friends, “If only this were five years from now/eight years sooner/some indistinct time in the future where all our problems would take care of themselves.” Timing seems to be the invariable third party in all of our relationships. And yet we never stop to consider why we let timing play such a drastic role in our lives. Timing is a bitch, yes. But it’s only a bitch if we let it be. Here’s a simple truth that I think we all need to face up to: the people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people. You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had for one and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don’t make you hmm and haw about weather or not you want to be with them; you just know. You know that any adventure you originally had planned our for your future isn’t going to be half as incredible as the adventures you could have by their side. That no matter what you thought you wanted before, this is better. Everything is better since they came along. When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don’t worry about fitting them into your complicated schedule, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest. The right people don’t stand in the way of the things you once wanted and make you choose them over them. The right people encourage you: To try harder, dream bigger, do better. They bring out the most incredible parts of yourself and make you want to fight harder than ever before. The right people don’t impose limits on your time or your dreams or your abilities. They want to tackle those mountains with you, and they don’t care how much time it takes. With the right person, you have all the time in the world. The truth is, when we pass someone up because the timing is wrong, what we are really saying is that we don’t care to spend our time on that person. There will never be a magical time when everything falls into place and fixes all our broken relationships. But there may someday be a person who makes the issue of time irrelevant. Because when someone is right for us, we make the time to let them into our lives. And that kind of timing is always right.”

— The Truth About Meeting Someone At The Wrong Time

After Ross and I broke up, I didn’t start to feel better about it until I started sleeping with other people. Even though I was never interested in dating any of those people, I think it was a big contributing factor to why I didn’t want to get back together with him. Because I was having a good time and seeing what all was out there.

Knowing this information has definitely affected what I’ve been wanting to do as far as moving on post breakup from Will. On one hand, I felt like sleeping with someone knew would make me feel better and miss Will less, and all I want in the whole world is to feel better. On the other hand, I’ve been terrified of moving on cause I’m still hoping he comes back and if I’ve moved on, I’ll miss out on that life we could have together.

When we very first broke up, I wrote a letter to my future self, begging myself to give him a second chance. If I never move on, what was the point of this letter? So I decided that I was, at the very least, willing to try and move on.

A week or two after Will and I broke up, I was out at the bars with some friends. There was a guy who was part of our group who I had never met before named Marshall. I thought he was really cute and fun and nice and we chatted throughout the night. This was a couple days before St. Patrick’s day and we all made plans to hang out then too.

For the next few days, I was looking forward to St. Patrick’s day because it meant that I would see him again. But when the day rolled around, I texted all of my friends to see what the plan was and they had all bailed. I really wanted to see Marshall, but he was Jakes friend so I was kind of relying on Jake to invite him. I scoured social media to see if Jake or Hailey followed any Marshalls. They did not. I remembered when we were at the bar the other night, them saying that his full name was kind similar to Eminem’s name but I remember it wasn’t exactly the same. I spent way longer than I was wanting to admit searching facebook for all of the Marshalls in my city, until I finally found him. Now that I knew his full name, I started searching Instagram. I found an Instagram account that he must have had from when he was sort of middle school aged but it didn’t look like he had used it in a lot of years. I checked to see who this middle school instagram account was following and there was another Marshall. Bingo.

I was feeling pretty nervous about my stalker tendencies that led me to his page, but I decided to pull the trigger anyway and send a follow request. Later that afternoon, he accepted my follow request, followed me back, and exactly as planned, sent me a message asking how I found his Instagram. I decided to be totally upfront and honest and tell him that I thought he was cute and nice and that I was hoping to see him again tonight but everyone bailed so it wasn’t looking like that was going to happen. He said that he had also been hoping we would all be doing something tonight and we exchanged a couple more messages and that was it.

I defiantly had a small crush on him. I felt kind of weird about it cause he is one of Jakes friends and Will is also one of Jake’s friends and I didn’t really want this crush of mine getting back to Jake and then getting passed onto Will. Like I know that I’m single and can do whatever I want, but still, I wasn’t trying to start any type of ‘who can move on quicker’ challenge with Will. I know it would break my heart if he was flaunting some new girl around in front of me. I was also starting to worry that I had a type. I don’t know if my type is boys who are friends with Jake. I don’t know if my type is red heads. I don’t know if my type is boys in the military. But Marshall and Will have a few more similarities than I wish they did.

Later that evening, I went over to Brandi’s for a bit to hang out. I was telling her about the situation and she and Hunter suggested that we could all go out for some St. Patricks day drinks and I could invite him. So I did and he accepted and came to meet us. Brandi and Hunter dipped out after an hour or two leaving just Marshall and I at the bar. Since it was a Wednesday the bar was closing at midnight but I was having a good time with Marshall and didn’t want it to end so soon so I suggested that we could go back to my apartment which was like a minutes walk away to sober up before driving home. I was kind of embarrassed because I had literally gotten the keys to this apartment the day before so it had next to no furniture. I threw two pillows down onto the ground for us to sit on, but he didn’t seem to mind.

We chatted on the floor of my apartment for probably about two hours. He was super fun to talk to, but I could tell by the way he was talking that he was defiantly more of a fuck-boy than I had initially anticipated. It wasn’t that big of a deal, it’s not like I wanted to start dating him, but I felt like after getting to know him better, the crush that I had on him kind of faded. He was still really hot and seemed to talk a pretty big game about how good he is at sex. So I was definitely intrigued. Around 1 or 2 in the morning, he suggested that he should probably be getting home and that was pretty much it.

A couple days later, he sent me a message telling me to add him on snapchat, so I did. Apparently snapchat has this feature, where you can create ‘private stories’ that you can pick and choose who gets added to it. You can tell when something is posted to someone’s private story vs their public story because the private story shows a lock icon. Marshall added me to a private story of his, where he seems to only post shirtless mirror pictures. So clearly, this is a story that he adds girls to to post his thirst traps. Okay, I’ll bite. Over the next few days, he had a new shirtless mirror picture almost every day. They were really hot too, I’m not even gonna lie, that man has abs for days! Once or twice I swiped up and sent him a flirty response to these pictures, and he would send me a flirty response back, but that was always it.

This past weekend, Jake and Hailey got engaged and we all went out to the bars to celebrate. I hadn’t talked with Marshall much since the last time I saw him, but I was really hoping that Jake would invite him because I was pretty sure if he came, I could get him to come home with me. He didn’t show up for the first few hours, but after I was many shots and a couple drinks deep, he and his brother arrived. I was sitting on a bench and he came and sat right next to me and sat so close that our thighs were touching immediately. I wish I hadn’t already been so drunk when he got there, but I remember him running his hand up and down my thigh throughout the night and me doing the same back to him. He was there with his brother so I figured the odds of him going home with me were probably pretty low since they would be going home together. The end of the night was very very blurry, but I know that I woke up to a snapchat from him saying that he should have come home with me.

I told him that he could make it up to me tonight, and he agreed. I was super nervous cause I haven’t had sex with anyone besides Will in over 3 years, but I needed to make it happen. Before he came over, he was asking me all kinds of questions about my kinks and how rough I wanted it and getting me kind of excited. When he texted me that he was here, I went down to let him into my complex. I was chatting with him on the walk up to my apartment and then sat down on the couch and continued chatting. He wasn’t being super chatty with be back though, which I thought was kind of weird. Not 3 minutes after he showed up, he started making out with me. I guess this caught me off guard because I knew that he was here to have sex with me, but I thought maybe we would warm up to it first, but he just dove right in. We made out on my couch for a little bit and then I climbed into his lap and he picked me up and carried me into the bedroom.

He took off my clothes and started eating me out (like a gentleman lol) and this man had the best tongue that I have ever felt in my entire life. Holy fuck. It was so soft and he moved it so well, I could tell he knew what he was doing. After a minute or two of his glorious tongue on my clit, he started to finger me as well, making an already great experience that much better. Most guys suck at fingering but not him, he did everything right. I didn’t want it to end but I knew that I had to let myself cum so that we could move onto the actual sex portion. Afterwards, I sucked his dick for a while and then he threw me over his knee and spanked me. Then he got behind me and put his quite large dick inside of me. He had lots of different positions that we went through, some with him on top, others with me, and he was sweating like crazy. I wished that there had been slightly more talking involved cause it was pretty quiet for the most part, but overall very good. He came on my face and then grabbed my handy nightstand towels and we both cleaned up. We put our clothes back on and then he suggested that he was going to head out, which I expected, but it still felt a little weird that he literally came over, had sex with me, and then left.

I guess ‘just sex’ hasn’t typically been my thing in the past. I’ve always had at least some kind of friendship type dynamic with the guys that I’ve casually slept with, so I felt kind of weird about it after he left. I guess I was kind of hoping to have a little bit of a crush on him to help keep my mind off of Will, but I didn’t have a crush on him at all. I’ve always been really good about not catching feelings for guys that I’m just sleeping with, but I like to have some feelings, just not ‘I want to date you’ feelings. I would probably do it again cause it was good sex and he’s really hot but I was slightly disappointed by how awkward it felt. And it really wasn't even that awkward, I think it’s just the fact that we don’t know each other that well so what do you say to the person you’ve met once or twice as they are putting their clothes back on after destroying your guts? I also felt like he talked a big game about how rough he liked it and it really wasn’t anything crazy. I liked when he spanked me and picked me up to move me into a different position and he even choked me for a little bit, but I was expecting, and kind of hoping, to have to ask him to stop at some point because he was being too rough, and we didn't get anywhere close to that.

Texas Girl

During Will and my relationship, we had a mutual friend named Brad. We met Brad while we were already dating so it wasn’t like Brad really belonged to either of us, he was just a mutual friend of the couple. Will and Brad were probably closer than Brad and I were just cause they were both guys and had that bond that I didn't have with him. I never minded though. I didn't feel like Brad was that interesting or had that much to contribute. I always thought that hanging out with him was fun because Will and I made it fun, not because Bad did.

There were periods of time in our friendship that I wondered if Brad had a crush on me. He was always such a good listener, and remembered little details about things that I would tell him that would make me feel good and think ‘I can’t believe you remembered that. Most guys, or even people wouldn't’. There were periods of time during our friendship that I wondered if I had a crush on Brad. If I did, it was silly and meaningless. I would have never left Will in a million years, but still I wondered.

After Will and I broke up, Brad texted me to let me know he was sorry to hear about it and if I wanted to talk, he wanted to be there for me. I really appreciated it, but in year or two that we had been friends, Brad and I had been alone together very few times. Will always had a very dominant personality and was able to practically carry any conversation on his back so I was worried about what the dynamic of Brad and I spending time alone together would look like. Still, I didn’t want to stop being his friend just because my relationship ended, so I agreed to meet up with him. I went over to his house and cried on his couch for hours about how sad I was over my relationship ending. It was hard because I know he’s still friends with Will and probably knows information that he won’t tell me because he knows it’s not his place to tell me. Overall I thought we had a pretty good time and it wasn’t as awkward as I was worried it would be.

The next weekend, something strange happened. Brad texted me to see if I was free at all over the weekend. I know initially this doesn’t seem odd, but for the entire time I have known Brad, it was always, 100% of the time, us reaching out to him to see if he wanted to hang out. He always said yes so it wasn’t a big deal, but him being the one to initiate definitely threw me for a loop. I was busy most of the weekend and I told him that and pretty much just left it alone. Then the next weekend, he did the same thing, texted me to see if I was free. Again, I was not, but I appreciated the effort that I could see he was putting in so I made plans to see him the following Monday. Again, we just hung out and chatted at his house. Still he would remember details about things I’ve said or done in the past and he started talking to me more about himself and his life, which is something that I never really got from him before.

The next weekend I texted him to ask if he wanted to meet me for some disc golf, which is an activity we both enjoy. At the end of disc golf, he mentioned that the next day he was planning to take his dog to the dog park near my apartment. I didn’t really think much of it until the following day he texted me that he was at the dog park and I should come hangout if I was home. I went and talked with him at the dog park for a while and then he mentioned that there was a tattoo shop nearby that was opening in an hour if I wanted to go get a tattoo that I had been thinking about for a while. Since we still had an hour to kill, I took him up to my apartment to show him around and things were getting a lot less awkward between us. Maybe we were just starting to get more comfortable spending time just the two of us.

At 1:00 we went to the tattoo shop to see if they were taking walk ins. One of the things that they told us is that because of their COVID policy, they were only allowing the people getting tattooed to go inside, and they couldn’t take anyone with them. That was kind of disappointing cause I was going to make Brad hold my hand while I got the tattoo, just to test the waters there. They said that they could get me in at 4:30 which was also disappointing cause I was ready to go right then. I agreed to come back at 4:30 and I told Brad that I would come back by myself since they wouldn't even let him come in with me, there wasn’t much point in him tagging along. He took me home, and as I was getting out of the car, he said “let me know when you’re heading that way, I’ll come meet up with you afterwards”. I said okay and got out of the car but as I was walking up to my apartment, my heart started pounding. We had already spent a good 4 hours together that morning, which pretty much exceeded our limit of alone time, and now he wants to meet up again? I started over thinking about why he might want to spend even more time with me and all of the thoughtful things he does for me and how badly I want to be cared about like that.

I texted him when I was heading to the tattoo place and not only did he show up to meet me after, he showed up before also to wait in line with me before I went in. Afterwards I met up with him at a nearby bar and we got some drinks and hung out some more. My heart was racing sitting with him at this bar, after I had spent the last 3 hours trying to decide if I had feelings for him or not. I was noticing the little things like how he ordered a sour beer cause earlier in the day were were talking about how even thought I don’t like beer, I might like a sour and he wanted me to try it.

Overall, I think I do have a bit of a crush on Brad. But I’m not going to do anything about it and here’s why: Brad is not the love of my life. Brad is not the guy that I’m going to marry. And while I do want to kiss him, and hold his hand, and cuddle him on the couch, I don't think that I could ever say yes to being his girlfriend and ruining our friendship isn't worth the fling that we could potentially have for a couple months. If Brad does have feelings for me, I worry that these have been feelings that he’s had for a good portion of the time we’ve known eachother and I don’t want to give him any false hope that I could potentially return those strong of feelings for him. Mostly, I think i would just like for him to be a distraction from all the hurt that I’m feeling from my breakup with Will. I think it would be fun for Brad to be that distraction but I wouldn’t want to hurt him in the process. Also, I worry that if I slept with Brad, that might be a dealbreaker for Will wanting to get back together with me and I just don’t think I’m willing to risk that.

Other Girls

Will and I have been broken up for a little over a month now. There are days that I wake up and the pain still feels so fresh. Mornings are the hardest and it typically gets better as the days go on. But I have some things that I want to get off my chest and I don’t know where else to go, so I came here.

I know all of his passwords and I’ve been logging into his accounts to see what he’s been up to. I know it’s a terrible thing and I’m only hurting myself but I feel so out of touch with whats going on in his life and how he’s doing and if he wants me back that I get desperate. I log into his instagram once or twice a day to see who he’s been searching, hoping maybe it’s me, and to see who he’s been messaging. The biggest hurt that I caused myself was to see that less than a week after we had been broken up, he was already messaging girls on Instagram and asking for their snapchats. Most of them were girls that he had known / dated prior to us getting together so I recognized their names or knew stories about them. But asking for their snapchat took away my visibility to what was going on.

The thing about snapchat is that only one user can be logged in on one device at a time. This means that every time I log in on my phone, it logs him out on his. I try really hard not to do this because I don’t want him to get suspicious on why snapchat keeps logging him out, but every 2 weeks or so I get an overwhelming urge and can’t help myself. Hoping he’ll think it’s just a weird glitch. I learn the most from his snapchat. I learn that he’s talking with a girl named Shyla and they are most likely sleeping together. I know he dated her briefly before we ever met. He told me stories about how crazy she was which gives me hope that maybe he’s not serious about her, but it still hurst to see the messages they’ve exchanged when he compliments her or tells her he hopes she's had a good day. It also looks like she may be the only girl he’s really talking to right now which makes me feel good that he doesn’t have a string of girls lined up, but bad because maybe he is serious about her.

The second thing I learned from his snapchat, and the much more hurtful one is that he’s started hanging out with his old friend Reagan again. He and Reagan have been friends for most of their lives and were always in a constant cycle of being friends -> trying to date -> not talking -> being friends. When he and I were dating, the were in the not talking stage of their relationship and I was very thankful for that because I worry about the trope of ‘the person you always go back to’. But now I see that he’s started hanging out with her again. I can’t tell from anything I’ve seen what their relationship is right now. I can’t tell if they’re just friends or something more. I truly believe in my heart that he’ll want to get back together with me one day but I worry that if he still wants to be friends with her that might be a deal breaker for me. I hate being that girl, I really do, but something about their friendship has always made me uncomfortable and I worry about the friendship that they may be building during this time and that he may want to keep her around and put me in that position of being uncomfortable. And i know I have the option to walk away and say ‘no thank you, that’s actually a deal breaker for me, but I want to be with him so badly I worry that I’lll allow myself to be put into that position.

Will has been home for about a week now. Before he came home, I told him over the phone 2 things that I need from him when he gets home. #1 I need him to give us a chance to reconnect because we have been away from eachother for a long time and I don’t want him making any decisions based on how he feels when we’re apart. #2 if and when he decides that he wants to continue being my boyfriend, he needs to tell me that, because I’m driving myself sick not knowing if I’m going to get to keep him in my life.

The night he got home we had a talk about how he was feeling and what he’d like to see done differently. He had 3 points. #1 He felt like he didn’t always have the freedom to do things that he needed to do that didn’t include me. If he wanted to write Dungeons & Dragons or play a single player video game, he felt like he was always time boxed to the time that I was working and had to stop immediately when I was done working to give me attention. I felt like this was a pretty valid point because I know that I do like a lot of attention and I’m glad he told me so that I can try and be more conscious of making sure he feels like he’s allowed to do that. #2 he said that when he was out of town, he didn’t really look forward to our phone calls or times hanging out and only did it because he felt like it was what he was supposed to be doing. Overall, there’s not a whole lot I can do about this one and it was mostly just hurtful. #3 he said that he wanted to see an improvement in our sex life and that when he’s been home in the past, he felt like it was about once a week, routine, and that he felt like I only ever wanted it when I was drunk.

Number three was hard to talk about, because he was mostly right. We did only have sex about once a week and it usually was when I had been drinking. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it other times, I just haven't felt confident enough to initiate it in a while. Whenever we watch TV shows or Movies together, Will always, without fail, comments on how pretty he thinks the female characters in the shows we watch are. He does it pretty often with the male characters too so I try not to take too much offense to it, but I’ve always wanted him to look at me the way that he looks at them and say “wow, she’s really pretty”. I told him once that he doesn’t make me feel pretty and he tries to remember to tell me sometimes, but it never feels genuine, it feels like he’s telling me that because I asked him to, and it’s what he’s supposed to do. So that’s where the lack of confidence comes from. How do you initiate sex with your boyfriend who doesn't’ think you’re sexy? You drink. So sometimes when I knew that I wanted to have sex with him but I didn’t feel like I was going to have the confidence in myself to make it happen, I would have a glass of wine or two to make sure that I felt good enough about myself to follow through. It made me sad that he noticed, and thought it was because I had to drink to be attracted to him, cause that wasn’t the case at all.

Now that he’s been home for a week, things have been going pretty well. Dare I say, they feel normal. We have fun and kiss and he tells me that he loves me and it feels exactly how I want it to feel. Except for the one thing that’s still looming over my head which is that he still hasn’t told me that he wants to be with me. Over this last week, I’ve been trying my heart out to show him that I’m worth being with and I’ve been especially making sure that I do better with his concerns. If he wants to take some time to do things for himself without me I find other things to do as well, like read a book or play some video games. I also make sure to check in with him every so often and come give him a kiss so that he know’s I’m not upset with him for doing things without me. He’s tried really hard to tell me that he thinks I’m pretty and I appreciate it and I’m trying to work on believing that he means it. We’ve had sex almost every day that he’s been home, which I know might not mean much since he’s only been home for a week, but I tried to mix it up from our normal and do different positions in different locations and hopefully be able to keep that up for a while. I also have a doctors appointment next week to get my doctor to renew my birth control prescription and I’m going to talk to him about options other than the pill because I know that the pill is known to reduce your sex drive so I’m willing to try something else if it means that I’ll want it more.

But like I said, having him home has felt normal and amazing and at one point I even started to think that maybe he was just having such a good time that he forgot he was supposed to be telling me that he wants to be with me. Every time we’re together I think about how he can’t possibly have this good of a time with me and not want to be with me. But every time he leaves the house, I start to overthink about how he knows that I’m waiting on an answer from him and every passing day that I don’t get it breaks my heart a little more. I think about how maybe he’s having a better time wherever he’s at and doesn’t even want to come home to me. I think about how I went through 3 years of my own personal hell of him leaving all the time, waiting for the day that it finally stopped, and that was the day that he decided maybe this wasn’t going to work. I think about how mad I am at him for making me feel like I’m not good enough but I can’t express that anger because I’m scared that if I do he’ll leave me. I think about how if he does decide he wants to continue being in a relationship with me, I don’t know how I’ll get over the fact that he did this to me. I wonder if he will be willing to work to fix all of the damage that he’s done to both me and to our relationship.

Yesterday he went into work for most of the day and so I had a lot of time to overthink. When he got home, he could tell that I was nervous or upset about something but I really didn’t want to bring it up because I’m trying not to pressure him to give me an answer. But maybe he just forgot right? He kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't help the tears that started forming in my eyes. As I was sitting in his lap crying, I couldn't keep denying that anything was wrong so I told him “you’ve been home for a week now and and I’m just having a really hard time still not knowing if you want to be with me”. All I wanted in the entire world was for him to take that moment to tell me how much he’s enjoyed being home and that of course he want’s to be with me. He said “I think things have been going really well so far, I don’t want you to worry”. How could I not worry with an answer like that. I reminded him that I was still waiting on an answer from him and he still chose not to give me one. I appreciated him saying that things were going well and giving me an ounce of hope to hold onto the next time he leaves the house, but when will some kind of decision be made? I didn’t ask.

Does he plan to string me along for months while I try every day to prove myself to him? From this conversation, I learned two important things. 1. I need to be prepared to walk away if in time, he continues to disrespect me by not giving me an answer 2. I’m not prepared to do that. Maybe I’m overreacting and he just needs a few more days, but where is the line between doing what I can to fight for him and our relationship and letting him walk all over me? I want to give him the time that he needs to figure out whatever it is that he’s trying to figure out, but I feel like I also need to prepare myself for not having an answer two months down the road and having to decide when it’s no longer fair of him to be doing this to me and make the decision myself. But I don't like to give up on people and I want to know that if this relationship ends, that I did everything I could do to keep it alive.

Don’t leave me

Will has been gone for almost 2 months now. This is easily the longest we’ve ever been apart, and as expected, we’re having a tough time with it. My tough time started about 2 weeks ago. I was having an especially hard day, missing him and wishing more than anything that he was home with me. I expressed to him that I was having a hard time and he said “I wish there was something I could do to help”. That was it. He didn’t try to help. He just wished that he could. That moment made me feel incredibly insecure. Wouldn't someone who loved me and really wanted to help, do whatever they could to actually help? I know he’s a thousand miles away, but there has to be something that he could do, even if it was as small as giving me extra reassurances that it’s going to be okay. I feel like I held the pain of his inability to help with me.

Now he’s scheduled to come home in 4 days. This morning was especially rough because we found out that it was 4 days rather than the original 2 that we were holding onto. I cried when he told me that it was going to be 2 extra days. He did nothing to help.

In the afternoon I boiled over. He asked if I was okay and I said “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’ve been telling you that I’m not okay for the last 2 weeks but you’ve made it clear to me that you don’t give a fuck”. He told me that he doesn’t know what he can do to help. I wished I didn’t have to give him ideas. We’ve been dating for 3 years and someone who has been my boyfriend for 3 years should have even a small idea of what he can do to make me feel better. Still, I gave him some ideas. I told him “You could send me a nice text message, send me food, be extra sweet to me and tell me that it’s going to be okay and we’re going to get through this, send me flowers” and still he said nothing.

We sat in silence for a while before he told me about some of the things that have been going on in his life. He said that he’s not sleeping much, not eating much, and very scared of what his life looks like when he gets out of the navy. I tired to reassure him the best I could that I know getting out of the navy is scary but I’m going to be by his side every step of the way to help him along however he needs.

I don’t really know how we spiraled from point A to point B but he ended up telling me how he’s not sure if he wants to marry me. Hearing that hurt like hell. I know that I have always kind of had the hope in my heart that once he stops deploying, we can live together for about a year and make sure that we still like each other when he’s not gone every other month and then once we are sure, if I was lucky, he would propose. We don’t talk about it much though because we have some friends that have pressured their boyfriends into a proposal and that’s the last thing I would ever want to do to Will. I asked him if I had been pressuring him to marry me and he said no.

I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said he wasn’t sure. I asked him if he wanted to break up with me and he said he wasn’t sure. I asked him if we could wait unit he got home and we got a chance to reconnect before making any big decisions and he said he wasn’t sure. He said “I love, you and you’re my best friend, but I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore”. That broke me. No words have ever hurt so much. I asked him how long he had been feeling this way. Were these feelings that he felt before this trip happened, when we were together? He said no, they were recent feelings in the last few weeks.

I spent the next 10 minutes telling him all the reasons I love him, all the things that make him special, basically feeling like I was scrambling to save my relationship. He was crying on the other end of the phone. I asked him what he needed and gave him three options. We could stay on the phone and keep talking this through, I could keep telling him all the things that I love about him, or we could get off the phone so he could have some time to himself. He said that we should get off the phone so he could think but he would call me later.

I was freaking out. I know that we were both struggling with being away from eachother the last few weeks, but I thought it was only because we loved eachother so much and hated being away. No matter how angry I was with him for not making me feel better, the thought of no longer wanting him in my life never crossed my mind. That thought could never cross my mind. It would be impossible.

2 hours later he called to tell me that he was going to bed.

A conversation topic that we have in our friend group sometimes is “If you had to eat 3 large family sized bags of chips in one sitting, what type of chips would you pick?” After getting over the initial shock of how much 3 large family sized bags is, people have to pick a type of chips that they think they could stand to eat for that long.

My answer was always that I probably couldn’t eat 3 family sized bags of anything just due to the fact that I’m so small and don’t eat a lot and even 1 family sized bag of chips would be a challenge for me but if I had to eat 1 family sized bag of chips I would choose Lays Sour Cream & Onion.

A couple weeks later was my birthday. I was having friends over and Brad walked in with 2 bags of Sour Cream & Onion chips. He said “they didn’t have any family sized bags at the store but I did the math and 2 of these bags is about 1 family sized bag”

Easily one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever been given from a friend

The power has been out at our house for almost a week now. Last Tuesday the entire city froze over and since it’s only October and there are still leaves on the trees, a lot of trees couldn’t bare the extra weight and fell over. It’s been 30-40 degrees outside most days so we’ve been wearing blankets and jackets inside to keep warm but the coldest part of the day is when Will and I crawl into bed naked and our bed feels like it’s made of ice. Every night, while I’m brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, Will has been laying on my side of the bed to warm it up for me. It’s the little things

Me: This drink is like 3/4 Jack 1/4 Coke

“That a girl”

I pretty much just go through the motions when he’s not around. Just waiting for right now to be over so that I can be one day, one hour, or just one minute closer to seeing him again.

I’m a crazy person

I trust Will more than I’ve ever trusted any boyfriend before. He’s amazing and I know he would never do anything on purpose to break my trust, and I wish that could make me 0% suspicious but honestly I think my suspicious nature is why I’m so good at reading people. So anyways, the other day he was scrolling through his messages and he had a message from an unknown number that said “Alright, bye then🖕🏻”. I though this was a little odd but I know he hasn’t left a lot of his relationships with girls on good terms and it wouldn’t be the craziest thing in the world for some girl to be upset with him for whatever reason. It was kind of bothering me not knowing what he did to piss this girl off and what their conversation was about so I’m not proud of it, but I went to look at the conversation when he left the room and it was totally empty except for that message, which means, he had been talking to this girl, pissed her off, and then deleted the messages most likely so I wouldn’t see. I kept thinking this was very out of character for him but I had already gone too far down the rabbit hole. I put the phone down and let it eat at me what they could have possibly been talking about that he didn’t want me to see and who even was this girl with the weird phone number that was 2 extra digits long. I got way too curious and went to check if he had been calling her or anything and I saw that they had a couple of FaceTime calls recently so I started trying to figure out how I would bring this up to him without sounding crazy in case he had a reasonable explanation. I checked to see how long the calls were and most of them were only a couple of minutes but I’m doing that I also saw that they were from Japan?? Who the fuck does he know in Japan that he would be talking to all secretive like this? It was George who is currently deployed to Japan and had to get a new phone number. I’m legit a crazy person.

A million and one reasons I have the best boyfriend in the world

1. He brings me mac and cheese when I’m sad

2. He calls me throughout the day to check in, even if we saw each other that night and will see each later in the evening

3. He does crazy dances and sometimes lets me take videos

4. He “ZOOMS” into bed

5. He trusts me so much and I’m pretty sure it’s because he would never do anything to break my trust and so he just assumes that I wouldn't either

6. He never goes a day without telling me he loves me

7. He always keeps me in the loop about his plans so I’m never caught off guard

8. He can do a lot of pushups

Who’s trying to buy pictures of my feet lmao

Infinity

If the universe really is infinite with infinite possibilities, then there are infinite realities in which you exist. There are infinite paths that you could follow with infinite decisions that have the potential to change the course of your entire life.

Now imagine if you had the option to search through these infinite realities and pick which one you wanted to live out. You picked this one. You could have picked the reality where you were rich and had all the friends you could ask for with no worries on your mind. But you didn’t. You chose the reality that shattered your heart into a million pieces, the one that causes you stress day in and day out, the one where you struggle every minute just to be good enough. You chose this reality because it was the one that made you the strongest, taught you never to give up, and eventually led you to be exactly where you needed to be.

me: *sneezes*

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Adult friendship is saying “let me call you back” hanging up and calling back 3-4 days later and no one takes it personally

8 Steps of Will leaving for deployment

1. The week leading up to the deployment is when my nerves start to set in. I get nervous about being away from him because I know how much I’ll miss him and how lonely I get when he’s away

2. The night before a deployment we spend doing all of our favorite things, discussing any nerves we may be having and reassuring each other that we love each other and that won’t change with just a month of separation.

3. The first week of his deployment is by far the hardest on me. Every day he goes to work and there’s about a 50/50 chance that he’ll come home so I sit around all day waiting for the text telling me weather his flight landed at home or in another state. I want more than anything for him to come home, but I also want him gone so the waiting and wondering will be over.

4. Finally getting the text that they landed in another state always makes me cry but not knowing weather he’ll be home is always the worst part so finally knowing that he's gone gives me a small sense of relief. At this point in the deployment we start to figure out our schedule of FaceTiming at nights before bed and making sure we give each other as much love and support as possible while we’re not together.

5. A few nights in, our nightly FaceTime calls star to feel normal. I wear his T-shirts to bed every night to feel closer to him but we settle into a pretty normal routine of talking about our days and playing Fortnite together from thousands of miles away. I still miss him like crazy every second of the day, but the initial pain of him leaving pulls back into a mild feeling of wishing he were here.

6. At some point during his trip, he’ll have an exceptionally busy week which is typically hard on both of us. He gets frustrated because he’s been so busy and hasn’t had time to do a lot of the things he needs to do. I get frustrated because I haven’t heard from him much and the time I do get with him is filled with him complaining. We both just get a little frustrated but if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s talking through our problems over the phone and we always work it out.

7. As he gets close to coming home from the deployment, my nerves start to kick in again. I miss him 10X more every day it gets closer and I start to get nervous about us seeing each other again. I worry that maybe we won’t click the way that we used to and that after this month away from each other, something will be different.

8. Will comes home and that initial hug and kiss makes every second of sadness worth it. We’re just as in love as ever, if not more after that time spent apart and I know that I would spend any amount of time away from this man, just to have the honor of calling him mine

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