teenie steenie

Life of Steenie Started, Monday, August 18, 2011.

[foodffs]

Creamy Roasted Red Pepper Pasta

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CROCK POT THAI CHICKEN CURRY

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[shysmitchell]

[thugilly]

Okay but this makes me so happy

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{Slow Cooker} Spaghetti and Meatball Soup

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[foodffs]

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Creamy Four Cheese Garlic Spaghetti Sauce

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[lavenderrd]

You know how when you’re in a car and it’s pouring down rain, you go under a bridge and everything stops. Everything goes silent and it’s almost peaceful. Then you finally get from under the bridge, and everything hits you a litter harder than before. You were my bridge.

(via written-on-polaroids)

One of my favorites.

[ssteeniee]

October 20, 2013 | Sunday

11:37 AM

I just woke up. Last night, I received a text from Kurt. 

Kurt: "Christine im gonna be completely honest and say that I don't want anything between us. Its just the moment you admitted you played me made me mad. Real talk." 1:55 AM.

Christine: "Thats not a problem. I understand. Thanks for letting me know. I never meant to hurt you I liked you a lot too. It was just practically forbidden and I couldnt stop liking you. I did what I thought at the time was the right thing to do. And it was a mistake. Good luck with college and beyond. I know youll be great, Kurt. Be that Superman I know you are. :)" 5:35 AM.

"Wait. Played you? That's not at all, in my head, what happened... I don't remember how much I told you. But, to me, the one I played was Anthony. Sorry." 5:40 AM.

Kurt: "Yea. Well its the way you put it. You said something like I just played along with it until Anthony asked me out. Likeeee maybe it wasn't your intention but that's how it came off. But really, this whole things stupid. This stuff rides on my conscious so as long as there's no bad feelings between us. For real this time." 11:05 AM.

Christine: "Okay. As long as it makes you happy. It's cool with me." 11:07 AM.

Kurt: "Okie dokes :)" 11:14 AM. After I received his first text, I couldn't sleep. I cried. And I just. I couldn't breathe. Not quite so bad as when I was going through Anthony-trauma. But it was almost an unfamiliar sensation. Similar to Anthony. But unlike any other pain I've ever experienced. After Anthony broke up with me, I apologized to Kurt. I apologized for not telling him before and that I just needed to apologize. He was kind of mad. Like, I didn't respond because I fell asleep. But he said that he was kind of expecting a response since we hadn't talked in so long. And apparently, according to Karen, he stayed up all night for a text. I didn't know that until school started. He was unsure of if he still wanted anything to do with me. And I understood. Like, what happened between us was... kind of crazy. He felt 10 million times stronger about every stroke and action than I did though. 

I hurt him. Really bad. And that's why I couldn't sleep. This guy. This great, great guy. I didn't even know I hurt him this badly. And that, he wants to sever all connections is painful. All I thought was "Anthony came into my life and fucked everything up. Why would he do that...?" But it's not his fault. It's my decisions. I did that. 

And what sucks. Is what I did then, is similar to what I'm doing now. Not for the same purpose, but it's similar. Kev is my Kurt and Jack is my Anthony. The only difference is I kinda like Jack too and he's not pursuing the fuck out of me. Kurt and Kev... totally the same. Hand holding, late night walks, mutual feelings... Something stable... But kind of forbidden...

I really don't want to hurt Kev. I really don't. But in order to not hurt him, I can't be involved with Jack in any way. But I like him too. I'm a fucking greedy 5 year old girl. I was originally on planning to go with whoever asked me out first. But. Isn't that what happened before? So much hurt. And so many secrets. And it would most likely be Jack who did so anyways. But, I don't want to lose Kev. He's such a good friend. And he's the sweetest. Fuck. Why. Why am I doing this. Why do I do this.

It gave me such a heavy feeling in my heart. I'm sorry, Kurt. I hate hurting people. I hate it so much. And I try to be aware of it. But this. This is an ongoing discovery. This event happened years ago. But it's still around. 

I just can't.

My head hurts. My throat hurts. I'm not happy.

11:58 AM.

[ssteeniee]

October 19, 2013 | Saturday

12:03 PM

I stayed at school this weekend. I had a group meeting. They were pretty cool. They're all older - juniors and up and this older guy. First weekend at school! It's weird. I wanted to talk to more people but I don't know how to get about that.

Anyways. I still think Kev is adorable. He's the sweetest. And he's great. But. I don't feel the same about him anymore. I don't think I'm suited for a long distance relationship. I mean, we don't talk that much and we aren't really in a relationship. I asked him about boundaries last time we walked and he said that he's okay with anything for the time being. As am I. But he's fucking sweet. "You're the first girl I am certain I actually like." He said. Fucking adorable. That night he also put his arm around my waist when we were sitting at the tennis court benches and made a "boop" noise and pulled me in close. We held hands when he walked me home and he was cute. We hugged for an extended period of time. And when I pulled away, I held both his hands - one in each of mine and I looked up at him and said "Bye, Kev." And you should have seen his face. His face was such a cute smile. Yeah. That was the last I saw of him.  I've been hanging out with Jack a lot lately. And in the beginning, I thought "Oh, he's cool. This is fun." And then he started texting me things like "I miss youuu" and "I want to cuddle..." Then I thought, "Oh no. This is weird. He's weird." But then I found he was only like that on text. And hanging out with him in person was cool. So I kept doing that. And it was fun. I was happy to have a friend. I just wanted a friend and he was really cool. He made me feel really comfortable. Like I wasn't horribly awkward or anything. Then we periodically went out to eat on Tuesday nights because he has a late class. And one night he needed a "cuddle." I kind of wanted to too. But I offered to talk. And so he laid in his bed and I was just standing so he was like uh. Okay. And sat up. I sat next to him and he started talking and he was getting kind of like unhappy, I supposed I could say so I put my arm around him all manly like and he leaned his head on me. And we ended up laying down in his bed under the covers and cuddling. He held hands. And stuff. He chewed gum and put chapstick on and I was like uh. Where do you think this is gonna lead to dude. Ahaha, but we didn't kiss. There were eye contact moments I knew would lead to something so I broke those. But it was really nice. Throughout the night, he would say things like "You're really pretty." "Your hair is really pretty." "You're really confident." "You're the only thing in this room that can make me happy right now." "Eye contact is sexy." I don't know, he's cute. Apparently eye contact is a very hot topic between boys and I. Because I think eye contact is important and it's good. But apparently no one does it? People hold eye contact with me. It's cool. But, I've been spending more time with Jack, like at LEAST every other night. He only does things one-on-one with me though. A few nights ago, we sat in the hallway and he was talking to me and he told me "You make me feel special." And stuff like that. "You're an enigma," he said. "You're a good listener." I think he just wants someone to talk to. He told me that he can just sit and do nothing with me and have a great time. He can talk to me about anything. And that's true. I'm open to anything. We're kind of from different worlds. In terms of high school cliques. But, his autistic brother supposedly only talks about himself and doesn't really listen to what other people have to say. I think Jack just wants to be heard instead of listening to others. And that's okay. I love hearing other people's stories. And I'm pretty tired of talking lately. I'm tired of thinking and explaining. I've made up my mind. Anthony changed me a lot. In the past month. I've calloused and whatnot. Anyways, that's for another post some other time.  He's sweet too. I like him. And I'm worried because I'm starting to like him more and more. And that might be a bad thing. I haven't really liked someone in a long time.  I saw him at lunch when I went out to lunch with Karen and people from her church that go to CSULB. I didn't know that he was going to be there and well, he was. But I wore something I thought was pretty cute and I loved my make-up that day. He told me he liked how I dressed and I was like YES. SCORE. Bam. You shoulda seen me in high school, I thought. Whoo, sweaters and crappy ass jeans 24/7. He also said I was "skeezy" which supposedly is an upgraded version of swag. I don't know, he seems like a flirt. But, he might like me too. I don't know. I don't hang out with people like him. I hang out with guys who are socially awkward with girls like Anthony and Kev. LOL. He also asked to go ice skating. Which sounds hella fun. I WANT TO GO. I wanna watch movies and shit too. UGH. Anyhow. Yeah. He's cute. And I was getting scared last night. Madie was telling me about American Horror Story and it was SCARY. The sky was getting dark and Karen wasn't going to be here. And I was like nuuu Jack, I'm afraid of sleeping alone tonight! Yeah. He offered to come sleep over. But it's too much trouble and I had a meeting this morning so I wouldn't even be able to stay with him and shit. I felt like making out last night though. I don't know why. So its good he didn't come over because I might have tried something.

I want to know how many hook ups he's been in because it seems like a lot. He hasn't had very many long term relationships.

Oh, that night we were in the hallway, we moved to his common room because he was hungry. And he put his hat on me. Everytime he does that, he says "You look good in that hat." Cuuute. I  was sitting on a chair next to the "couch" in the common room. And he tried to pick me up for some reason and I was like NOOO. WATER YOU DOING. Because I do NOT like to be picked up. And he said he was going to move me to the couch and I was like oh, I can do that myself, dude. So I stood up, but not all the way and my butt was sticking out because the table and a wall was kind of cramming the chair I was sitting on so I had to kind of inch my way out and I was going towards him to sit on the couch and he grabbed me waist and sat me down on his lap. And he hugged me around the waist. I really liked it. But I felt like I was crushing him because... he's kind of ... small. And Anthony never really let me sit on him like that. Will did, AJ did. Anyways. He was hella cute. I don't know. He's not the best looking guy but he has a nice body. And he smells good. And I don't really look at his face or hair or anything. I watch his eyes. That's typically how it goes. I see eyes. Well, I like who he is and he seems really great. Yeah. I think I like him. He excites me and he makes me feel comfortable. And he's a cool friend.  I don't know where to go from here though. I'll wait for him to talk to me. Oh, the fact that he told me that I dress well gives me pressure =____________= but I'm glad he thinks so. Whooo. Kind of caught right now. Not between him and Kev. Just about how I should go about Jack. I suppose. Oh. I kissed him on the cheek one time when I wasn't feeling well and ditched class. He came over (Karen was gone). And we cuddled because I was trying to nap and he was just sitting and I was like, this is awkward, just come here. So he laid on bed with me and he was talking about something. Something I forgot. Oh, I think like sex and pressure? Something that made me feel like he needed some love. He sounded... sad. And he was talking normally and I went up to his cheek and kissed him and he paused for half a second and his voice went quieter and softer and he spoke a little more slowly than before and finished off his sentence and that's it. And then later that night or... was it the next day.. I dont remember. But, he kissed my cheek back when I was trying to open the door for him. He was tired. And I leaned in to open the door for him because he was just standing in front of his door, leaning his head on the door frame and I was like Aye, Jack. Water you doing. So I took the key from his hand and went to unlock the door for him and he came in and kissed me cheek and I was all like yaaay. But he kissed me over my hair coz it was on the left side and that's where all mur hair and bangs are. And yeah. He said something like "you're really great" And it was cute. And then I unlocked it and opened the door and he was still in the same position. And I just looked at the door like what. Why aren't you going in side to getcho food dude. And he moved most (not all, LOL so much hair on that side) of my hair out of the way and I felt his lips on my cheek. Totes Q. And then after we were sitting down for a while because he was eating and finished. And he said "I was going to say I was sorry and didn't mean to kiss you on the cheek, but I did mean to do that." And I was like oh lol I hope so. Wat. And then I was like oh, here. And I kissed him on the cheek again and said "Now the score is even." And then a little while later he came over and kissed my right cheek. Whoo. Cutie. Yeah, but I feel weird because we don't hang out outside. And when we were in the hallway, the door sounded like it was going to open and he let go of my hand and everything. I don't know.  When we were at lunch, we acted like we didn't know each other very well. But everytime I looked at him, he would be making a silly face at me. aahaha  Yeah. Trouble. MMMMM. 

Also, this song of his: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HadHnJpDiA

I really like it. Not because its him but I like it. I don't really love any of his other songs but this song I can play on repeat all day. Not because it is him. Honestly. It feels like I'm listening to Sam Tsui or Jayesslee. Just another song on youtube. But knowing that it's him adds bonus points to his "mmm, he's kinda cute." LOL

[ssteeniee]

October 7, 2013 Monday

christine: (11:40 AM) So I was gonna ask you about this last night. But you were busy and it was late. But, there’s been something going on between Anthony/Hannah/me? I don’t really know... I don’t know where to start so I guess I’ll start anywhere.

christine: (11:41 AM) So Hannah started following me on instagram back before Anthony and I broke up. He said that she told him she was following me because she liked my style. (Which I believe is false. I think she wanted to follow me because - sounds conceited but... - she wanted to be me in some aspect?)

christine: (11:41 AM) And she used to only like pictures of my clothes.

christine: (11:41 AM) But then that turned into clothes and dogs

christine: (11:41 AM) and then clothes and dogs and landscape scenes

christine: (11:43 AM) And then I unfollowed her after I saw that picture of Anthony and her together because that killed me (at the time.) I was doing so well and I literally broke down in my room and woke up my sleeping roommate because I was crying so hard. So I unfollowed her. I felt that she did it on purpose because she knew I was following her (I follow back everyone.) She never really posted pictures of anyone else except her face and like ... landscapes. So I was convinced she did it on purpose- to show me. And well, it worked. I died.

christine: (11:43 AM) Uhm, but then I unfollowed her. And I don’t know if she noticed because it’s not like you get a notification for unfollowing someone.

christine: (11:44 AM) But after that she kind of started liking ALL of my photos. Even one of you and me, pictures of my family and pictures of Mads, YouJoung and I. Literally EVERY picture I posted, she liked.

christine: (11:45 AM) And she would like it in the early morning. So I would wake up to a notification of “itssewhana liked your photo” and everyday was a constant reminder of who she was. And I didn’t like that.

christine: (11:46 AM) It was dragging me down. So I tested out “blocking” someone with Madie. What happens when you block someone is that you force them to unfollow you and you unfollow them. There is no notification. And when you try to follow the person that blocked you the follow button “doesn’t work.” So you can press it, but it’ll just go back to “follow” instead of going to “requested” or “following” like it normally does.

christine: (11:46 AM) And so I decided to block her.

christine: (11:47 AM) But I felt bad. And my profile is private anyways so I unblocked her so she wouldn’t be able to see or like my photos anymore.

christine: (11:47 AM) So I blocked her for less than a minute.

christine: (11:47 AM) I don’t know how she realized she wasn’t following me. Because, again, no notification. Which means she looked me up and found out that she wasn’t following me.

christine: (11:48 AM) A few days after I had “blocked” her, she requested another follow. And I haven’t responded.

christine: (11:48 AM) The night after she requested, Anthony texted me.

christine: (11:49 AM) Saying that he “forgot” to respond to my last text - where I told him I can’t be friends with him. But he texted me telling me to not blame Hannah, but himself for my pain and that he was sorry. He said that he doesn’t want other people to be hurt because of him. And okay. But I didn’t respond. Because I have nothing to say to him. I don’t have to explain anything to him. I’m not responsible for that.

christine: (11:50 AM) And I’m facebook friends with Hannah. And I don’t go on facebook anymore. But Madie does for me to check if I get anything important like orders or club stuff. And she went on Hannah’s page. And she posted shit like “Don’t you love it when someone pretends to be your friend and then suddenly turns around and hates you for no reason.” or like “when people drag you into drama for no reason?” She posted a few along those lines. And it just frustrates me.

christine: (11:51 AM) Why are you turning this so far around. All I did was block you on instagram (for like two minutes) to protect myself. I didn’t like that she was liking all of my photos like she knew who I was or anyone else in that photo was. I didn’t mind it when she liked my dogs, or my clothes, my face, or landscapes you know? But she liekd EVERYTHING and I post a lot. I couldn’t do it anymore.

christine: (11:52 AM) I don’t know what else I did. I don’t hate her.

christine: (11:52 AM) I did for like 2 weeks.

christine: (11:53 AM) But she’s not a bad person. I’m just kind of annoyed now. There’s nothing wrong with her. There’s nothing wrong with him. I just don’t want to be associated with either one anymore. It’s too much. I refuse to respond to this shit. I hate drama. So much.

christine: (11:53 AM) I tried to be her friend. And she was nice and told me stuff about Anthony - like it’s good that she cares about him. I think he needs that. But she didn’t really seem interestedi n being my friend.

christine: (11:54 AM) But now she’s all “someone who pretended to be my friend and stabbed me in the back” Thing is, she never really accepted me. And I don’t know what else I did besides take her off my instagram. Like that’s it. That and I went off of FB - but that wasn’t because of her.

christine: (11:55 AM) Yeah, that happened. I don’tk now if I’m missing anything.

christine: (11:57 AM) But I didn’t decline her or accept her request to follow me. And this is SUCH a stupid reason for drama - a fucking unfollow on instagram, because I do not have a single idea of what else I did to make her think I hate her... Because I don’t. I just. want to be okay. And I was, for a while. Until Anthony texted me. Which means she thought it was a big enough deal to talk to him about. He didn’t forget to text me. He wanted a reason to say “don’t blame her.” But I don’t blame either of them. I blamed myself at first. But now I blame no one, nothing. It’s the universe at work. No one did anything wrong.

christine: (11:58 AM) I’m keeping out of whatever this “Drama” is. Because I think she thinks I’m still on facebook and can see her statuses or something. I ono.

christine: (12:00 PM) Anyways. Hannah is still on my follow request and everyday I go on, it’s there. And I feel bad declining, but I dont ... want her to start liking all my pictures and stuff again. She’s a stranger to me. And it makes me uncomfortable... I feel bad not accepting it. But I will feel bad if I do. and I will feel bad seeing it everytime I check instagram. And I will feel bad declining it.

christine: (12:00 PM) It’s always at the back of my head. Like I should explain to them. But what will that do? I don’t have to explain myself to anyone... /unnecessary stress in the back of my mind. ahahahahahah Yeap. :)

christine: (12:07 PM) Oh oh, and I dont think she should blame me for dragging her into “this mess.” Yes, I did talk to her. But Anthony’s the one that likes her. 

This is what I sent to Kevin this morning.

October 7, 2013 Monday.

I went to Jack's room last night. He has such a soothing voice. And he fucking tickled me. So pissed. Like I told him not to touch me. But, he was really sweet when he played guitar and sang. It was really nice.

Left my glasses at home so Cathy's bringing them to me. I fell asleep with them in last night. SO bad. I also fell asleep with them on today right before class. Guess who was 20 minutes late to art history today! Meeee! 5:09 PM

[ssteeniee]

I do no love him anymore. I do not want him anymore. I do not want to be his friend. I do not want to see him.

But I hate her fucking guts. And I want him to see what he let go of. I want her to feel like shit. I want her to feel horrible compared to me.

I don't know what happened to me over the past 2 months, but I have grown so hateful. I felt so many emotions that I've ever felt before.

But I know now. I don't love him. I don't want to see him. I don't care what's going on in his life. I barely think of him now. 

But little miss fucker over here keeps liking my IG pictures. So I am going to block her.

They're nice people. But I am letting my emotions take to me to where they want to take me. Let's do that.

Because

In my head, they are already dating. They are already in love. But I am okay. Because they do not look good. And even though I know he doesn't care. It makes me feel better.

Because there are better people out there. Who can love me. And I can love them. And it won't be a problem.

October 3, 2013 | 11:31 AM

[ssteeniee]

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Today was such a good day.

So after class, Karen and I went to the Japanese Garden and it was beautiful She fed fish and everything. Mark and Jose found us while they were walking away from the dining hall. And they took us but we felt awkward so lagged behind and I think they got the message that we didn't want them to stay... Mark had to go to class though. I feel kind of rude... But anyways, it was so beautiful. Dragonflies were dancing and koi fish were everywhere! The air was nice. There was so much greenery. Ugh. I die. (I did curl my hair and do make up. My hair I don't really like... my make up is okay doe). Then, Karen decided that she was going to ditch class and HURRAH HURRAH that she did! We took the bus (for the first time, ah, exciting!!) And we went to Target where I bought Madie the blueberry acai eos lip balm, a pair of black sandals (size 5/6 surprisingly - $17), lipstick ($6, it's so cute... I'm trying new things), sweatpants ($15 - so comfy and on sale). And then we walked about a block to Jamba Juice and Karen treated me to a Caribbean ... Darn I forgot what itw as called. But it was yummy! And then we caught a bus back. It was such a good day. Karen and I went into the residence lounge and she played some piano for me. She's so great! But, once we got back to the room I thought I lost my ID card. We looked frantically for it all over and even went back to the residence lounge. I was so afraid that I left it on the bus - you know how we swipe the card to get our free rides? But Karen told me to check my purse again and lo and behold! It was there! So then we got dinner from the hall to go and sat in our room, turned off the lights and watched the rest of Star Wars 4. And it's only 7:55 PM. Today was a GREAT start of October. I am very happy. :)

[ssteeniee]

Tuesday September 24, 2013

It's been almost a month and I still miss you. I mean, I dont know. I'm so confused. You don't bring about romantic emotions in me. But I feel so alone with you. It's painful. I don't feel the need to call you babe anymore though. I'm getting better. I'm in absolute limbo right now. I know I still love you. It's not that same feeling anymore though. It really is like someone died and I can't move on. But he's not there anymore. You know? No, I don't even know. Limbo. I don't know where I am right now. So fucking lost.

And I feel like Jason hates me and Kevin is bothered by me. Fuck erryone. I. I just want friends here that I can be myself around. Like. Your name doesn't bring me pain, I guess. I find it fucking weird that you like pictures of my face on instagram. I hope you are still missing me. I hope you can turn around someday and be like, "Damn-fucking-shit. I let go of the best person out there for me." And I hope you come back. Because I am so afraid of everyone else in the world. And I know I'd said I'd always be waiting for you. And then I rescinded it - but that's because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. Of what you can do to me. What you can take away from me. But, I still find you perfect. I still find what we had as great. I try not to think about it much anymore - so a lot has been forgotten/buried. But, I'll still be here. Waiting for you. Probably forever. I don't understand why you can't "turn around" and "go back." I want to ask you. But I think I have exhausted our "deep conversations." I don't regret telling you everything. Maybe you can understand me more? Or maybe you're grabbing a deeper misunderstanding for me. I don't know. I want to know. I like to know. But, I don't think it is important.

Jack came over last night and it was fun. I forgot all about you. I forgot all about home and he was super fun. But then he left, and I got sad. 

I don't feel at home anywhere. I don't feel at home at my house. I don't feel at home in my dorms. I don't feel comfortable. Even when I lay around my house, it feels too reminiscent of when you used to come over and lay on the couch with me or in my bed or we'd watch tv. I don't like being anywhere.

I don't feel like me either. I mean, I'm about to start my period. So I'm hormonal as fuck and I know I get hella emotional and impulsive when I PMS. But, I'm really sad. I get mad all the fucking time. I don't take attention to the little things anymore. I don't know.

All I know is that you broke me. And I'm just trying really hard to stand up, pick up as much of myself as I can from the floor and take baby steps forward. I have no idea if I'm going anywhere.

I'm trying to sort out my feelings. And I'm trying to figure things out. 

[sillywillies]

[sillywillies]

[sillywillies]

[sillywillies]

[sillywillies]