God I feel so guilty. I went on a date with guy (literally the first man to like me in years). We met at a club/house party through friends and he seems like a genuinely sweet guy but I don’t know what I’m doing. And it’s not about experience. This isn’t a thing where I just haven’t done it before but I can’t even tell if I like him or not. I seriously can’t imagine someone at all liking me. It surprises me that I have friends and even then they’re kept at an arms distance. I have been falling for a friend of mine but he recently got with a girl. And she’s so sweet and kind and beautiful and I’m so happy for him. But why. I can’t bring myself to hate anyone I know it just doesn’t feel right and I don’t get how it comes to people easily. Am I heartbroken and this is a rebound? I hope not because that’s so unfair on this guy I just went on a date with, he really put himself out there. I really just want all of it to end, like the not knowing, it awful. Why don’t I understand myself. I thought that was something everyone could do. No one knows you like you know yourself. Why don’t I know who I am? What am I to others? Is it different for everyone? I hate this. I wish I could just be invisible, if I could stop talking forever and just be in the background everything would be easier. I haven’t fallen for this new guy but I don’t think I ever got over my friend. Why do these emotions not come naturally to me? Why does everything come uncomfortably? Joy, sadness, disgust, uncertainty. They don’t feel different just not right. Why am I tormented by this?
Nevermind the guy is constantly strung out on coke that shit ended right there and then
