The purest heart is dead, you killed it.

You stabbed me with your thorns, and now I'm dead.

[stabbedtodeath]

Hey girl,

Princess. Doll. Pretty thing. The most treasured gem in the world. I’ll call you all the beautiful names, because you deserve them. Because you are someone who devotes — time and time again — even when people around you call you silly.

You believed in something, and you walked into fire for it. You never stepped back from the edge of the unknown, because you believed love deserved devotion.

But doll, sometimes the devil wears the mask of love, and he hands you the map and makes you walk into the abyss.

So you’ve got to keep your eyes peeled — protect the most precious part of yourself for the one who truly deserves your flame.

Until then… I’m going to call him out for you, so you stay intact.

He’ll show up like a dazzle. A lightning strike. Drops of water after a long walk through the desert. A flicker of warmth just when you’re stepping out of the damp and cold. The warmth echoes pain, burns your skin just enough to feel all too recognizable.

He’ll have the most charming smile, the warmest embrace.

He might look into your eyes like he sees galaxies. He might hold your face and kiss it with tenderness. He’ll trace your lips with his soft tongue — as if he wants to remember, forever, how you taste.

And if you were raised to believe love comes with ache, to think care must be earned — then he’ll feel so familiar, like home.

But believe me when I say this: that’s just how good the show is.

He has his reasons. His stories. His tricks and tools to reel you in.

He might cry in front of you. He’ll hold you like you’re his only saviour. Your sweetness seeps from your skin, and he drinks it all to feed his dark soul.

And somehow, you’re moved — watching him fed. So you give more.

You sit through his storms. You hold yourself together, because you believe this is what he needs. You glue your broken heart back together, over and over and over — until it’s so shattered, no glue in the world could piece it back.

And soon, you’ll be reminded: this is nothing but a show.

He’ll abandon you when you’re weak. Mock you when your tears show. Call you manipulative for crying. He’ll tell you to grow up. He’ll yell that you’re making him a monster.

He’ll twist every plea for connection into an accusation, and every reaction into your failure.

And then he’ll say the only thing he expects from you — is for you to abandon all your needs, all your desires.

He only wants fragments of you, served like a dessert. And you keep the bitterness to yourself.

Your gut twists. Pain rises in your throat.

Believe your gut. Because your body never lies — no matter how much you want to believe the opposite. Because if you ignore your body and give more, you’ll start to believe his lies instead.

You’ll believe you are too much to be, too little to be loved. You’ll start to believe that you were the problem. Born wrong. Came to this world to collect debt from everyone around you. That your mother was right all along — and she will agree with him.

You’ll believe that love must be earned. Just like you had to earn softness from her.

You’ll believe her idea of virtue — compliant, shrink, tolerate, be palatable.

You’ll try too hard. Stay too long. And abandon the loyalty you owe yourself along the way.

And one day, you’ll look back, and miss the girl who chipped herself away, allowed herself to deteriorate, shedding pieces of flesh just to survive his inferno. Or maybe, her inferno.

You forget who you were. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize that tired face — pale and ill, sadness etched into her lips, darkness sinking into her eyes. And you’ll wonder what happened to the girl you used to be.

But my queen, you are not just any girl. You have always had more inside you than you ever knew. You know how to bring color back to that face in the mirror. You know you will return to her — and this time, you’ll be the one who saves you.

You will rise. You will stand tall. And you will claim your power.

The universe sent you a devil so you could recognize your own demon. Through him, you’ll come to understand the curriculum prepared for you — and what you were meant to learn.

But let me just call him out for you, so you never have to endure him again. So you recognize him beneath his beautiful mask — the sharp dagger hidden in his tender touches, the poison laced into his kisses.

And you stay intact. And you rule your kingdom.

[stabbedtodeath]

I'm officially saying goodbye

Time to close this chapter. another exciting one is waiting.

people don't meant to be together will grow apart. and you'll never be able to force things if it is not meant to be.

I have loved, I have loathed.

That part of me is gone now.

[stabbedtodeath]

I'm extremely saddened by the realization that I simply dislike him. After all the lovey filters fade away, I see this person in his purest form and I do not like what I see.

I feel no desire to share any thoughts with him. I don't want to tell him what happened in my day. I am reluctant to disclose any troubles in my life. We live together, but our paths don't cross.

All these years, I have been facing life by myself. Rarely any support from my partner. He's blind to these things. And therefore in the future years, I will only continue to do so, and I don't really know what do I need him for. On all the occasions when I needed him the most he was absent. I'm used to this now. I can never rely on him.

So even for having a child. I probably don't need him. I can't imagine what responsibility he'll take then. How will he raise a child and teach them the best ways?

I do not trust him. He exploited my trust in the past and ever since then I never put important trust in his hand.

With all the self-preservation I have learned with him, I don't want that to be a normal element a freshly born person must have.

[stabbedtodeath]

in the good days and the bad ones

On a good day, I don't think about him. I don't think about the hurt and pain he brought to me and the past I had to endure. On a good day, I think everything is fine. I can comfortably sweep everything under the rug and I would feel that it's a sober choice.

But on a bad day, I feel the urge to leave. I want to escape this life and start a new one. I come back here and I feel sorry for myself. I hate everything everyone, and I want to complain so bad.

I'm on a bad day now.

[stabbedtodeath]

I knew that was gonna happen

when I asked him to be organized, forward me any documentation he signed, follow up on payments, add files to organized folder etc, we would end up in those huge fight that I just felt so ridiculed and hence said nothing anymore.

I knew that it would come back to haunt us. and it has been happening here and there. and today, he couldn't find documentation of him working for Cannabis Wise and got income for which is being reflected on his tax form. CRA is asking question on that income, and he can't find support doc for that.

this is a series of negativity that I experience that has so much to unpack and so much entailed. It's like all the time I was right but he hates me for it. And I am somehow still suffering the consequences and I can do nothing about it.

all the reason why I had to stop engaging with his businesses.

when he came in and ask me about these things, I just felt so upset. I told him how to be organized. I asked him to be organized. he didn't listen. and on top of that he fought with me with all the aggression he had in him, and made me feel that it was my fault to ask. and I gave up, I let him be. and now this consequence could be so damaging and I had to suffer that.

I have become such a bitter person because of the years we had when I was helping him.

in the process of looking for that document, I saw so many agreements he was gonna engage in and signed only by him in the folder and it was so ridiculous to see them. I remember when I saw them I was appalled but what else could I do? I couldn't say anything because that'll mean to ask for being stabbed by him again. He thought he was so glory and fighting for justice and doing all these ridiculous work which only benefited the blood sucker who took advantage of his stupidity and I could not say anything about it. I was like the protector in armour but got killed by the person I was gonna protect. And beside, I never wanted to take that role. All I was doing was trying to cover my own ass and I wasn't even allowed.

fucking bullshit.

[stabbedtodeath]

sometimes I want to talk to someone so bad and other times I can't even bring myself up to have the thought of it.

I want to read some of these entries to someone. I just really want to. I want visibility of how I have been slowly consumed, eaten away, became powerless.

Just to keep the small remaining part of myself intact. Just to keep the last bit of me to me. I only have these left.

Again, I'm reading back all the entries, and I'm crying. I see how little by little I was chipped away. I saw that I had every opportunity to save myself and I did nothing. Now I don't really know what to do anymore. Do I leave him? is it even worthwhile to leave him? will I ever get better?

I told him once, he broke my heart, I glue it back together, he broke it again, I glued it again. Until it is so broken that no glue in the world could fix it anymore. It is so broken that a bit of shake will undo all the fixing and it takes more and more to put it back.

These journal entries are a hard evidence of what happened. But the truth is kept with me. Until one day I release all these, maybe over my own death.

What use there is anymore to act like as if I'm doing this to him? What is he expecting? Does he expect to undo all the damage? Does he even recognise the damage?

Does he even understand how hard it is for me to just keep peace?

I don't know how he could expect me to show love after all these. I don't know what he thinks I am? a robot, brought to him by god to love him and get spent.

I'm broken, I am so broken and I don't even want to explain. He doesn't know, he doesn't understand, he can't empathise. He probably thinks that he's the victim and I deserve to be discarded.

He'll never acknowledge why I am the way I am.

I have a hole in my body and at the end of the day, I brought it on myself.

-------

Never bought me any gift, never planned anything that would really please me. He used to come home and said he bought something for me and it would be something that HE likes.

The truth is, the only thing he loves is weed. That's the only thing brings him joy. Not people. He just has no gut to admit it.

He'd also hate that I am right.

[stabbedtodeath]

why it is peaceful

over the years I just went silent. not talking is better than talking, at least I can protect myself and keep the space for myself to recover. there has been so much trauma that I don't even want to bring it all up. that's how peace has been retained.

this is the place where you can track back how love became lost, wall came up and I became more and more insular.

and yes, from doing that I gave him enough evidence to prove that I am not worthy of being loved. that he can comfortably view himself as the victim.

I mean, why did I think things would be different for me. Never have I ever had the support I needed, the ears I wanted in my life. I have always felt like a piece of shit and the people around me prove that, so why would I ever feel different? why would I ever have someone who I feel comfortable with?

I did not want to be the one making all the decisions.

I did not want to be the one who pays all the bills.

I did not want to be the one who keeps her eyes on all the boring lifely things.

I also want to be the irrational one, I also want to be the one who receives gifts, receives flowers.

Doesn't matter anymore, too late.

I bent over and sacrificed myself before, it didn't work. I destroyed myself and I won't do that again.

Too late for me to light up any passion or desire, towards him or anyone else. Too late for me to become another person, who can still love like never loved before.

I did not want to sweep things under the rug but that was the only safe option. It's just better this way. There is no other way. Any other way will mean destruction and I don't know how much of me is left to handle that.

At least I get peace. That's the least I can ask for.

In a parallel universe, I was treated differently, and I could be happier.

[stabbedtodeath]

everything is fucking stupid.

literally everything.

the longer it lingers the worse it gets.

I feel my life is ruined.

completely ruined to the last bit. rotten, corrupt, stained.

no way I can become another person anymore. I miss who I was, stupid innocent but was not hurt. not tainted, not rotten.

no longer I can see myself with possibilities. I am with no possibility. no future. no unknown.

I see no meaning in life and I feel exhausted having to live any longer. all the expectations, disappointments, helplessness. it's ridiculous.

I hate this. I hate everything that has ever happened to me. I wish none of these has been real. I wish I was a fucking dream.

[stabbedtodeath]

abusive

this relationship is so abusive and I regret everyday that I made the bad choice.

a highly emotional unstable guy messed me up and I learned to defend myself because of that. the hardship on me was all from him but he can't see that.

the first time he yelled at me I went silent. I was not able to understand, even, that how I ended up being yelled at. and he blamed me for not say anything not speak up

I told him that I don't defend myself from him

he said I should

I did. and he ended up being more angry.

and I was not gonna let him bully me like that.

I froze, I couldn't understand how things went, I shut up and try to use my brain while he won't shut up about how he's so hurt in a highly aggressive way

I had to yell to counter his stupid voice, I say things so that he can realize how ridiculous it was

it won't progress from there

he never learns anything

he can't hear and he won't admit

but I won't let him bully me anymore

I won't let his words hurt me anymore

I'd just block him out when he was just gonna stab me left and right

but then now he wants me to acknowledge him

people have to work on his terms

fuck no

he literally turned into a monster again and he expect me to apologize?

while he's the one who caused all this?

and he wants apologies, like a fucking little girl

he's so frustrated because his gaslighting won't work anymore

and I'm not fucking gonna deal with that

[stabbedtodeath]

fucking stupid

I need to be with someone who can think logically and listen to what I say, instead of just saying useless things and not contributing to a positive conversation.

It's hard to live with someone who can only hear their own voice.

it's fucking impossible to have a back and forth conversation with him. I don't know what is wrong with him, but something in his brain is not working.

another fucking stupid example:

I said: well I can't wash it now because I can't take it out in time. So I'm going to wash it later again when I get home

He said: do you understand the mold will just blah blah blah blah blahI said: I know that but I can't take it out in time so the only thing I can do is to do it laterHe said: well it's not good because of blah blah blah blah blah

I said: I know but I can't take it out in time and I can only do it laterHe said: the mold blah blah blah and it's stinkyI said: it's mostly due to the soap scum inside the machine and I'll wash the whole machine again

He said: well can't you see that you leave wet clothes is only going to contribute blah blah blah

I said: but I can't take it out in time so I will have to do it later when I get home

And then he said: stop yelling blah blah blah blah blah

Until much later he said that he will wash it now. Then I asked him, can you take it out in time? He said he can.

Then I said, well why didn't you say that from the beginning? All you have to say is that you can wash it and take it out in time. That's all. No need for that mold lecture cuz I already told you why I decide to do what I do.

And then he start to say mold blah blah blah blah blah

He explained so many times to me that wet clothes produces mold... I said do you think I don't know that? Do you think I have an IQ of 30? And I said why don't you assume people are smarter than you?

He screamed: you said I'm dumb!!!!! How dare you say that I'm dumber than you....And then the whole thing blew up again

And then he said that I broke the agreement of not yelling at him........And almost took down the steering wheel acting like a monster while driving

I'm beyond hopeless that this craziness will ease.

Everytime things became almost perfect then things like this blew up.

It's like a curse.

I don't even find sadness in this anymore, just ridicules.

[stabbedtodeath]

identifying more personality flaws

this post reminded me of his behaviour on the entire trip going to mexico last year. and yes, that's exactly how this post illustrated, probably not with abusive language, but the attitude was abusive enough that it was so embarrassed to be next to him.

it looks like now that most people got selected for randomized test, and we did too. and he totally let that frustration show very apparently to everyone there. He definitely complained his enormous frustration to the people who are keeping the line and the person who helped him preparing the form. with respectful enough language but still highly unnecessary. I wish I could've illustrated the point more clearly to him like in this post. I sometimes think that he's from a family of giant babies and everyone of them are so entitled.

remember he got off from the plane, knowing that we missed the connecting flight and just literally kneeled with anger in public. I was so embarrassed but just know what would happen to me if I call him out so I just calmly asked him to stand up.

I find myself sometimes have to explain the most basic things to him for him to understand that it is not appropriate to act certain way. But when his brother told me about how his mother behavioured in the airport and she just listened without any embarrassment and even with a laugh, I suddenly understood everything. Just a big man baby exactly like his mom.

Like yesterday when a friend's friend asked him what he does, and he said: "I make art by creating cannabis genetic." And I just stared into the invisible ablyss hoping that a black hole could suck me in at that moment. So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

Cautionary tale my friend. I wanted to save someone until I realized that I had no idea what I signed up for.

I wish I had call off the wedding 6 years ago. I wish I had never pick up his phone 7 years ago. I wish I divorced him 3 years ago. I wish I was smarter 8 years ago.

[stabbedtodeath]

he's just not someone like that

so negative, always so negative towards most common unnecessary things. Interprets doctors/dentists suggestions as ill wills and will never change that attitude. Typical thing he does: when some completely random innocent element showed up in TV and he'd just burst out: xxx is the worst!

never proactively take care of self health, but when something's wrong he just go fully blew up. complaints, curses, as if he's gonna die tomorrow.

and that anxiety of mine just came back as soon as he loses control and reveals this part of him again, which I had seen for 5-6 years until it became slightly better.

how do I tell people that I sometimes am in regret of committing to this way too early. he's not good for me, I recognized that and that fear of being impacted negatively by him is always at the back of my mind.

I know this is time for me to show support. But so many negative interactions in the past make me just want to stay away. You show care, he blew up. You ask questions, he aggressively complains. You make suggestion, he makes you feel everything you said was stupid. And then your entire day is ruined, not because of what happened, but because of his attitude stuck with you. Because you realized that you became unable to use your own brain.

And then he complains that you don't show compassion towards him. He'll never understand that you are just trying to protect yourself.

And then all the past flush back. My PTSD.

I know, I have known, I have always known, that nothing that nice would last.

[stabbedtodeath]

some updates

I can see that the last post I left here was more than a year ago. and the last really really negative record about him was also almost a year ago.

and ever since that I haven't really felt the urge to write anything down anymore, because I am no longer angry.

Things have changed tremendously. He's no longer childish, much more joyful, and we joke all the time. He never takes things too seriously anymore unlike before.

I have been feeling a stronger bond with him, and it makes me feel that I can think of us as a unit, other than separately.

This feels good. even tho I no longer have that ticklish feeling about him like a teenager just fell in love. — I think that was killed by all those dramatic arguments and it's too late to save that.

He only got overboard once ever since last year, and it was just a few weeks ago during our highly frustrating trip to mexico. He lost his temper but it wasn't because of me or us, and he soon reflected and apologized.

He's acting more and more like a chilled adult and I'm just glad that I get to eventually see that. I'm glad that I stuck around.

I have a feeling that from now on we will trust each other more and more and this is finally turning into a real family.

How reassuring.

------

edit:

he thinks he's a big deal now. he's got a youtube channel talking about weed and people kinda worships him in there so he really thinks he's someone. that attitude starts to infuse everywhere in life now that he just became more and more unbearable over time.

Xmas was really bad because he broke the fucking promise again and I just spend the whole thing pretty much by myself.

Then that negativity, big-man babiness just showed up more and more everyday.

fuck me. I just find him so annoying.

[stabbedtodeath]

The emotional rants are up and down

Frankly speaking though, he gets really attacking when he feels he’s being attacked. And then we 莫名其妙地 got into fights, and then he says really stupid things that really got me much more annoyed, and then I hate him for a long while.

He’s just not a very emotionally sensitive person to others.

My irritation is fading away though, as the fight was quite a few days.

I’m not even sure if I will get response from this one job lead that I’m expecting, and I’m anxious everyday.

2020 has been such a terrible year for everyone and for me. Got a job, 1 month in, got laid off. Before I had 3 offers, now I have nothing and no one gets back to me anymore. 

It’s difficult to not feel like blaming people. 

But today, when he said to me that I shouldn’t be so worried and feel the pressure because he will bring income. I felt being taken care of. That moment of relief.

Gratitude. 

[stabbedtodeath]

It has come to this. The reason why I’m not splitting up with him is because I don’t want the splitting up trouble. It’s better this way. 

I have imagined so many occasions in the past when I could’ve just had a fight with him or decide to not pursue the future with him and I was too weak to do that. 

I secretly think I made a mistake being with him and I don’t really like him that much. No quality can keep me stay in line anymore.

I secretly hold resentment towards him and it is just not going to fade anymore. It has become a part of this relationship. The fuck up relationship I put myself in and I blame no one else.

Too much to talk about and therefore nothing to talk about. I don’t want to talk about. 

Besides, why would I leave him when nowadays most of the time he treats me like a princess.

Yes, eventually he came around and started to treat me the way I have wanted, but it’s too late. I am already not in love with him. After so much hurt and incidents fro me to doubt his stability and sanity, I don’t know how much it’ll take for me to fall back in love with him.

I just decided that I’ll take advantage of the comfort and really focus on getting where I want to be from now on. A job that I deserve, and fulfillment. I’ll find my allies elsewhere, and I don’t expect empathy or approvement from him anymore. I don’t expect him to feel proud of me, or give me any real support, I just want to have normal days.

Yea. today I talk like a bitch. 

[stabbedtodeath]

anger

reality is a bitch. You don’t want to admit so you stopped yourself from looking, but a glance into it send you right back in hell and you can’t avoid it.

I noticed that there is $900 USD missing from the $1500 USD I prepared to bring back to my mom. The envelope is just in my bedside drawer, and I can’t think of any other reason apart from him been gradually taking it. He doesn’t seem like a person like that, but after all I always have my reservation about him.

The first time we merged our bank account and he realized that I have savings, he took $10000 from that account and said he will put it back in a month.

He likes to claim that he did put back that money, but reality is that he never did. He would stock piles of cash in house but those were never our money. And honestly for the entire time I had no idea how much money ha actually made. We would spend extravagantly of course, going to high end restaurants and buying alcohol all the time but he never put that cash back.

We then had a company. He’s very hands off, and whenever there’s problems with the clients or projects, he got very stressed and we end up arguing and he blames me for not able to manage people and clients. He does mostly black market stuff, which got us afloat, even though I never like that, because I know that if he would just focus on growing the business we can do much better than being worried and anxious all day because a lot if was not legal. But no, he would not let me tell him anything and stubbornly did things his way. 

When legalization came, black market took a big hit and he had to quit. We lost our income, we got into debt. Still manageable debt, if we don’t fuck up. But no, he makes choices that almost always get us into more shit. And he won’t admit it.

Last year we went home, my mom gave us $15000. A few weeks back from China, he looked at that pile of cash from my mom and decided that he will take $4000 to flip pounds again. He also promised to put it back, which never happened.

He does make some cash from time to time. Never guaranteed income however, and he always take away half of it. He said CannaReps will pay us income now, CannaReps paid us roughly $5000 from Dec to Mar. My mortgage is $1800 a month and with all the bills and payment, we need at least $3000 to just survive. 

He said he will let me stay at home. What a joke. Mama has to go to work just so that we can pay our bills.  

He like to think that he’s the only person who’s working hard to help us survive. Fuck no. He’s the trouble maker that isn’t helping us to get out of debt. He used to criticize me not able to take risks and I would end up in so much self blame for his comment.

Why can’t I want to have no debt? How is that a thing to be criticized?

And yesterday he ask me if I trust him. I couldn’t say anything. Because I don’t trust him. He doesn’t really deserve my trust but I don’t want to ruin our relationship.

For all the incidents in which he made me doubt my own sanity and my own belief, I hide my deep resent for the shit he got me in. 

And because of this distrust, I didn’t tell him that my mom gave me another $10k last time I went home by myself and I have another bank account that he doesn’t know.

Every time his family came to visit not only we gave them place to stay, but we also wine and dine them and we pay for all the expensive meals. But my mom pays for everything when we go home to visit. And now $900USD is missing which was supposed to be given to my mom for compensation.

How can I not suspect him for taking those bills?

I’m so angry at this fucking man. We will never have a child. This is the life I chose and I fucking hate him.

[stabbedtodeath]

I’m falling back in love with him and my life.

I had been angry and bitter. But I’m not anymore.

I can’t believe how smooth everything has been for the past month and how much better we are doing now.

I think I have come to peace with myself and everything happened. After distance myself from things I don’t like I am recovering and recovered.

When I search inside, I don’t find hate I don’t find resentment. I find only compassion, kindness, confidence, and love. And looking back, we have been on a bumpy road but it taught us so many things.

We are not mean to each other anymore. He’s been so tolerant and patient with me. He jokes about things more now. I feel so much more safe with him. I feel home.

I remember my therapist kept asking me, what does Enid need? And I couldn’t answer that question. At my darkest time I was so lost that I didn’t know what I need. Well the answer has always been there and I didn’t see: space. I needed space and I didn’t give myself any. 

Now, as I have my space, I can think straight, act wise, and good things are happening to us.

What a journey.