someone's upstairs neighbor

what if there were TWO sr hornyposters? for the shits and giggles?

[staif-and-broulderbeans-anon]

WARNING: An anon has breached containment.

i think some of ya'll may know me from @sr-sam-bodypillow but just to be sure I've introduced myself properly...

what's up gamers, i frequent the ask box of the above mentioned blog and today i decided to start my own :3 i'm also someone's alt so if u guessed it right then great job (*autistic yippee noises*)

might also post SRshipfics and whatever smut ideas i got here. anyways, boutta have fun brb-

the Uncategorized Stories folder in my notes app as soon as i finish setting up this blog:

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

"i'd love to just sneak in a sex mod without anyone knowing [to the modded minecraft playthroughs] and just clap stan"

as usual, only completely normal sentences from kaif, local straight man

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

god stan is absolutely something else the second tentacles get involved he's actually so feral. repeatedly walking in front of kaif and going "i roll to seduce the ghoul!" "come here i have hentai i must show you" "let me shove this tentacle up your ass" "i'm just gonna suck you a little calm down" sir?????????

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

shout out to kaif for watching anime on illegal sites mainly so he can pick not good anime to fall asleep to and somehow managing to stumble on hentai watching it next to ebbz and only realise "oh! this is hentai" when they started having sex. my favourite no awareness king, being asked to read ao3 tags (or anything similar) would kill him on the spot

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

help kaif saying "i dont think i'd mind being cucked by a woman." during repo when ebbz and nia were being sus together.... been shipping kaebbzcat when the real polyamory jumpscare was right in front of us the whole time /j

now what the hell do we call this ship. kaebbia? naebbz? help

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

if like if ebbz was being submissive with kaif she'd just call him kaif but on the flipside when kaif's being submissive i feel like he'd get too into it slip up and call ebbz something like mistress and then instantly either burst into tears or try to launch himself out the window butt ass naked

but she's into it so they start doing that more often and its fine

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

had an idea for an au that im lowkey a bit obssessed with and idk if im ever gonna get around to writing it but the gist is ebbz is some kind of important and rich (politician? businesswoman? idk) and kaif is the new assistant/intern that she hired. there's an age gap between them but this time kaif's younger than ebbz unlike in real life, ebbz is maybe 35-34, maybe even her mid to late 40s, im envisioning her as someone who has a few grey hairs due to stress because giving her a grey streak just makes her hot as fuck to me and kaif's around 23. baby faced just out of university trying his best inexperienced and easily flustered. kaif admits to some financial issues and ebbz tries to raise his pay because he's good at his job but she's not allowed to which upsets her, she ends up deciding to give kaif more money 'off the record' in exchange for him spending 'personal time' with her to assist her with 'business matters' off the clock at her house (she pegs him.) and it ends up becoming like a sugar baby/sugar mommy thing where both parties are trying really hard to not actually fall in love with the other and failing. kaif's like "this is paying for my rent this is paying for my rent this is paying for my rent" whilst getting pegged because if he thinks of anything else he might be forced to acknowledge that he is actually in love with his boss and oh god he CANNOT do that whilst ebbz is literally thinking the same thing like oh my god you dumbasses the sexual tension is mutual just make out sloppy already,,,,

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

i really wanna do like a series of loosely connected one shots about all the shitty gooner games kaif keeps playing where he's cursed to randomly wake up in the last game he played and oh my god it's always the WORST game possible for this to happen on. like. fuck, now i have to go get pregnant by a werewolf or i won't ever wake up. and his curse keeps bringing people he knows in real life to act as important characters and this may or may not permanently alter them in real life (as well as the memories of what they did together). everyone's like "????? WHY DO YOU KEEP PLAYING WEIRD PORN AND HORROR GAMES" "con tent :)"

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

"i don't need that to have josh fuck me" kaif x josh fwb REAL

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

okay hear me out. really hairy stancat123. that man cannot grow a beard to save his life so it'd be really funny to me if its because he's actually super hairy underneath. and also cause i've got an idea for a oneshot in mind where kaif realises he might have a thing for bears/hairier, bigger men because stans just stretching and minding his own business and his shirt lifts up and kaif gets to see a bit of his belly + happy trail (the hair that grows from belly button to crotch) and promptly goes feral like he's from the victorian era and he's just seen a bit of ankle because fuckkk thats hot and he doesn't know how to tell stan he's really into that because he's only just realised himself (but he does get to lie his head on stan's belly like a pillow. as a treat.)

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

i spent way too long editing this im sorry

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

i dont know how i keep managing to make kaebbz a queer couple that can pass as straight but i do. latest one is the among us impostor au im tryna write (where ebbz does a 'medical' check up on him) and impostors have weird gender/secondary sex characteristics stuff and kaif lays eggs/is the one who would get pregnant in a typical impostor relationship and ebbz also does that but she's human so he continually gets incredibly flustered and shocked every time she casually mentions their relationship status to someone new and he doesn't know that she doesn't know that they're technically a gay couple by impostor standards (it's not based on primary gender/pronouns its based on secondary so since both are Breedable its gay as fuck in impostor culture.) until some impostor says the impostor equivalent of "so who's the man in this relationship?" and ebbz just punches them outright because even if the terms don't translate properly she gets the implications.

help i cant stop worldbuilding for porn im writing so much about impostor culture so i can justify kaif being embarrassed and hiding his heat/egg laying cycle from his crewmates even though they all know he's an impostor for social reasons and his continued shock when ebbz is still into him

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

kaif and sam are old man yaoi to me

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

thinking abt a bit of kaif x reader because why not

you've just flown over to see him after literal months of being away, you're in a relationship w/ him and all that but the two of you are keeping it quiet at the moment and on the drive home he just can't keep his hands to himself, gently gripping your thigh and slowly moving his hands to the inside of your thighs and upwards. the traffic is not helping the situation, cause he's just getting more and more irritated at everyone's shit driving and increasingly flustered because he wishes he could touch you more you two haven't seen each other in AGES but he has to focus. he leans in to make out with you a few times and then pulls away with a growl because oh my god if you're all going to stop at weird times can it at least be long enough that he can kiss you and not just long enough that he thinks he has time and then nope he doesn't and everything is really starting to piss him off, and, well, you're not exactly helping. it's incredibly easy for you to tease him back, flirting with him and letting your hands wander till there's a noticeable tent in his pants and he's squirming, breathing heavily, scrunching his eyes shut whenever the traffic's bad enough to stop them in a desperate attempt to take his mind off of things. he's not doing a good job, but he is trying. soon as you two get home he's all over you, arms pulling you in close as he kisses your neck, grinding up against you desperately as his hands fumble to take off your clothes and you have to help him out. the two of you don't even make it to the bed and just end up fucking on the couch, desperate for physical contact with one another after so long

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

if i wrote a plot and porn fic. would y'all read it. cause i had a weird idea about eldritch!kaif and ebbz (lots of tentacles)

the tl;dr of it if i never get around to writing it is sex with a shapeshifting eldritch alien. horny and silly. yeah. ebbz girlboss monsterfucker arc

anyway his weird eldritch species are slowly crossing over into our world and they visually sometimes look like hikaru from the summer hikaru died where they melt and thats how they typically attack people (and replace them after. eating them smiles) but also if they experience any strong emotions they split open based on whatever emotion it is.

ebbz is someone who's trying to hunt these weird bastards works for the government and everything cause the equipment's kinda expensive, she's muscular and everything with a lot of scars and has seen some shit and then finds out her new boyfriend has been one the whole time when he gets too flustered and splits open because she was too hot

at first she's horrified, disgusted filled with grief and convinced that this 'kaif' has eaten and killed the original one and then she really quickly figures out no he hasn't, this is a face he made himself and she's just missed the fact that his moles keep moving eeeever so slightly (he forgetssss :< ) and that he's also. so hopeless. not a threat at all.

anyway she uhh reaches in to grab his distinctly colourful tentacle-y somewhat liquid insides at first after cornering him in the bathroom (he's trying to shove it back in. it is Not Working,,) because again she's going full attack mode and thats how THEY attack humans, and then he throws his head back and full on moans because his emotions affect what the internal limbs do and he's only falling apart like this because he's really horny so he's super sensitive. brief moment of embarrassment from both of them cause ebbz is like "???????????? okAY??" and kaif doesn't have the courage to admit that This Has Never Happened What The Fuck (also keep going pleaseeee pretty please)

kaif's just. pathetic. ebbz decides after this "oh i NEED to rail this stupid alien" and gets to doing just that admiring his whimpering the whole time and how he's trying verrry hard to hide his face but his tentacles are incredibly eager and keep trying to get under her clothes and rubbing themselves up against her hand when she reaches out to touch them because he just needs any kind of friction at this point and he can't hide how much he actually really fucking wants her and even if he bites his tongue to stop moaning he can't stop purring and bucking his hips legs trembling uncontrollably as he arches his back when she plants a wet sloppy kiss against one of his thicker tentacles and moving to push it deeper down her throat, looking up at him and... well, she's trying to make eye contact but he's too busy sobbing and squirming give him a break he's never felt like this before in his life

it's very intimate and gentle, ebbz taking care of him in ways he really couldn't have believed would ever happen to him. she moves in closer, leaning on him a bit, smirking at him when his tentacles move on their own accord to slither underneath her shirt and pulls down her pants, gasping slightly as one of the tentacles slides inside of her with little trouble, moving slowly. kaif's incoherent by this point, hands becoming progressively more inhuman as he desperately grabs onto her hips, ...and then cups her face at the same time whilst holding her hands because huh extra pairs of arms and hands. neat. it's definitely very messy, and they go on like that for quite some time, ebbz ends up coming quite a few times because the tentacles are really fucking good and keep hitting her in just the right spots

then kaif finishes and unfortunately for him that's a strong emotion (and the first time he's done that!) so he uh melts a lot more and they both panic and just toss him in the bathtub so he can lie down for a bit without ruining the sheets as he slowly pulls himself back together.

and yeah there is plot there's lots of plot but im dancing around that now cause i just wanted to share the sloppy kaebbz tentacle makeout sex with y'all, but basically kaif helps out with ebbz's job as he's considered an outcast for being so, uh, 'intimate' with humans (he was already an outcast before the messy sex they consider any kind of positive interaction with a human not for the purpose of hunting to be 'intimate'. if they ever learnt he Fucked a Human and he did it like THAT they'd turn into fucking dust okay) and the continued attacks from them are actually messing with a lot of things especially for the increasing amount of outcast mimics (ig thats their name now) who're trying to stay with humanity. so. they collaborate, fix things solve a few mysteries and fuck nasty on the job because there's no way in hell they're gonna make ebbz risk her life for THAT hourly rate when her boyfriend is within kissing range (she gets a payrise dont worry) and they can't fire her because she's the best at her job

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

geniune question rq. but is tumblr actually showing some of y'all my posts? feels like its not

[sr-sam-bodypillow]

had a staif idea

[tw, age gap, Toxic Yaoi]

its a bit complicated but basically kaif and stan have a one night stand a few days before egx. also there's a bigger age gap between them, just by a few years (stan 20, kaif 33/34) but enough that kaif was in highschool when stan was born and he points that out to stan after they meet at a gay bar and then follows straight into calling him a nasty slut and maybe feeling him up in public and letting his hands wander under his clothing cause he's a bit of a perv when stan still clearly wants to fuck him bad. theyre both definitely drunk when they head back to a hotel room to have very kinky questionably toxic sex, kaif taking the lead as it's stans very first time and yes, kaif does degrade stan more once he learns he's a virgin, purring in his ears about how desperate he must be if he's stumbling into the nearest bar already a bit drunk with pants that are too tight and making him look downright obscene and letting the first man who squeezes his ass fuck him silly and use him like a cocksleeve even if he's waaay older than him. kaif does a lot of things, and he's kinda forceful and a bit possessive even though it is a one night stand. was thinking he'd maybe get stan to call him something else (was thinking something along the lines of like. sir. yknow. position of power. roleplay.) and slaps him at one point when stan slips up and uses his name, gripping his chin harshly and telling him that he needs to listen and be more careful or else kaif's going to have to punish him. stans absolutely ruined by the time kaif's through with him, covered in bruises and moaning hopelessly as kaif uses the younger man however he pleases.

when he wakes up the next morning, kaif's gone. there is no soft aftercare. he didnt even leave his number, but he did have the foresight to pay for the room. (kaif actually wanted to leave his number he geniunely forgot and he got really upset when he realised he did)

a few days pass. stan can't stop thinking about that night, can't stop having honest to god wet dreams about how kaif choked him and stared down at him, can't stop getting turned on by the marks all over his body whenever he looks in the mirror.

kaif's the same. he can't stop thinking about how good he was, how beautiful his eyes looked when he was absolutely fucked out of his mind, how pretty he sounded. funnily enough, kaif's the only one embarrassed by the age gap- stan doesn't give a shit- so he feels pretty bad after realising he might actually feel things for the man past a one night stand.

and then the two of them go to egx and meet up with their online friends and have to play dumb and act as if stan didn't lose his virginity to kaif four days earlier because they both used pseudonyms, had never seen photos of the other and were both a Bit Drunk so they geniunely didnt fucking realise until now.

but, hey. least stan's got his number now!