3/13/2030 At Midnight

And simultaneously alive at 11:59pm on March 12th 2029  TW: EVERYTHING

[stairs-for-alistair]

Sometimes I yearn for solitude

A place away from place

A cabin 12 miles from any human soul

A Walden pond and forest of my own

I envy Thoreau in these moments

I cabin with a single room

A table also plays the role of my bed

A chair, a laptop, no internet, just a place to write

I yearn to live in nature as another animal

Not apart of the entity that is human society

But

I take solace in knowing that one day I shall return to the Earth

That peace I'd die for will be there when I do

So why rush?

Why am I so horribly inpatient?

I'm itching to join the billions of souls that have passed on into peaceful oblivion

Crawling out of my skin for it

Another reason to despise myself I suppose

I suppose

[stairs-for-alistair]

I don't like looking in the mirror

I don't like feeling in the mirror

What I mean by that is feeling about myself

Looking upon myself from within my mind

I don't like being myself

I don't like myself

Myself

[stairs-for-alistair]

I return here to write things that I'd be embarrassed for other people to see

I cry a lot

I lay on the ground and cry

I stare silently at the wall and feel tears flow down my face

Sometimes I hurt so deeply that I enter a dissociative state in which I don't have to exist in my body for a wile

Yesterday I did that

I was wanting to kill myself but was sobbing because if I kill myself I will make life harder for other people

I'd traumatize them

I cry because deep down, I want it more than anything

to escape myself without hurting anyone

to escape myself

[stairs-for-alistair]

I was fed to a wolf as a child

Even though the wolf and I were good friends

It still hungered for me

During the day we would play

At night it feasted on my flesh

I'd forget each night upon each day

We'd be playing in the backyard when I'd notice it watching me

Salivating over me

Saliva dripping onto my skin as it brought its mouth closer to my body

The moon would rise and it would take what it was owed

A child's flesh was satisfying

To a pedophilic beast

[stairs-for-alistair]

I went under the awning

When I was a child I got caught in the rain

I was thrown out into a storm by an adult

I sat on the ground and let the rain soak me to my core

I shivered and the cold reached under my skin to grab my bones

I couldn't tell my tears from the rain

They mixed together until I couldn't tell what was my fault and what was God's

Eventually I stood up, and went under the awning that was suddenly there

It was still raining

I was under the awning and it was still pouring

I went under the awning and couldn't understand why I was still being drenched

Until a sound escaped me and I realized that I was still sobbing

Its been a decade

I'm still under the awning and it's still raining

[stairs-for-alistair]

I see them

The skeletons of those who have been

Weight on my body

Contact

It’s real, I think it may be

[stairs-for-alistair]

My nervous system holds itself together

Like fingers interlaced, cupping water between

The water ripples with every shake

As gravity beckons it home

I fear so deeply

I ache so badly

One day it will all fall apart

When my hands grow too cold

My sensorium gives up

And death stands warmly at my door

I’ll collapse I’ll cry I’ll laugh I’ll shake

Death won’t judge she’ll only take

[stairs-for-alistair]

My time in college was one of polarities

Taking classes I enjoyed, meeting people I liked, tutoring others who were struggling

Cutting my wrists, bleeding into my sketchbook and using the blood as ink for my vent drawings

Teaching after school acting classes at local K-12 schools

Collecting drugs and lining them up on my desk of least likely to most likely to kill me quickly

Being a part of the most prestigious scholarship group on campus, attending dinners in a suit and tie

Trying to hang myself with my belt, meeting the police in denial

Rocky Horror Picture Show, improv group, traveling for shows

Getting high as a kite with mixed substances and vodka

My time in college remains strange to me

I felt like a broken compass, a puzzle of mixed pieces

As I struggle to sort through the damage I created

caused by the damage someone else created

caused by the damage someone else created

And yet, the school chose to give me the most impressive award they had to offer, and invited me to give the 2020 student graduation speech

I wrote a story, in which I hid the horrors in between the words

And I delivered it to thousands

the truth so vivid, yet so difficult to find

camouflage the nights spent searching

display the days spent achieving

a mind split in two

yearns for wholeness and understanding

I yank on the thread I use for the stitches

writing poems with a needle

but the seams won't hold

[stairs-for-alistair]

Agony

I dance in the graveyard whenever I'm sad

I fall to my knees and push my fingers into the dirt

My tears flow down my face, and I let out a sob

I let gravity wrap it's arms around me, and I fall onto my side

Smiling, crying, laughing, I grasp at the grass

Half dead, half alive, it holds me so gently

I turn my head to the sky, and trace the stars with my eyes

A deep breath, cold lungs, a feeling that I'm not alone

Your footsteps are a comfort to me, as I wait for you to join

You settle down next to me, your head beside mine

We don't say anything, sharing the air, the sky, the joy and the sad

I watch as an airplane crosses the sky, and exhale the familiar sonder

Turning to look at you, I ponder, I wonder, should I go home with you

Excitement, shame, exhilaration, guilt

They all move through me in a powerful wave I know too well

I imagine the ride home with you in my car

As it carries us through the winding roads up in the hills

At 120 miles per hour

With the pedal to the floor, I take another breath of shared air

Hands off the wheel, a moment where gravity is no more

You and I step away from the scene, and I follow you home

I dance all the way there

[stairs-for-alistair]

And so, the chess game begins!

I must concentrate, and plan multiple turns ahead

I must be flexible and responsive while working towards the end

Light a flame, let it burn

Don’t apologize, make them hate me

Be even worse, so they don’t question

Sever all ties and connections

To free myself to free myself

Nobody’s heart strings wrapped around mine

I can finally jump, with no ropes attached

I’ll make it certain, that they are better off without me

I’ll win, I’ll win, I’ll win, I’ll win!

[stairs-for-alistair]

I’m filled with rage

Oh boy it feels good!

It jumps up my spine

It dashes through my veins

Who knew the intensity

Would feel this great!

Fire beat water

This bitter night

It fizzles and pops

And makes my jaw clench

No tears are flowing

No pain on my face

Just a harsh cold stoneness

And a smile ablaze

[stairs-for-alistair]

My chest is tight

When the world is treating me kindly

Because I never feel safe

When the world once treated me poorly

[stairs-for-alistair]

Please unfollow me

[stairs-for-alistair]

I hold my writing close

My personal secret

As I hold my feelings

A little out of reach

If I could I would

But I can’t and shall not

Let my writing be read

Before I find myself dead

[stairs-for-alistair]

My hands are cold

And they hurt so bad

[stairs-for-alistair]

Brick wall

Cement ground

White lines

A broken skull

Pools of blood

My soul set free

[stairs-for-alistair]

And here I return

When things don’t feel right

And here I return

When I can no longer fight