my virtual confessional

Serge - 22 - He/Him - MINORS DNI

[staloysius]

INTRO/BYF:

This is mostly a vent account where I yell about my insane and archaic views on my own gender & sexuality. I needed a place to rant into the void because I don't feel comfortable enough telling any of my friends I experience this. I have symptoms of PURE O(CD). I mainly struggle with religious and secular scrupulousity. My main themes are moral/sexual purity. I find comfort in vintage manga/anime so i'll post about that too.

WARNING: My intrusive thoughts manifest as very sex negative and violent. Please be mindful. I do not act on these thoughts and do not shame others. Please, do not think I am mean! My thoughts are not me.

OTHER CWS: NSFW + NCCSA + CSA INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA & TRANSPHOBIA + RELIGIOUS TRAUMA + RELIGIOUS IMAGERY + JUST VERY AWFUL ARCHAIC PURITAN THINKING

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

[staloysius]

S/H mention VERY GRAPHIC

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I seriously want to mutilate myself right now and i think the only thing that will stop me is drinking until I blackout. I want to cut myself so bad. I want to fucking cut my chest up so fucking bad until I see the yellow fucking fat seeping out. I feel so repulsive and disgusting. This body is repulsive and disgusting. I don't want to be human. I wish I wasn't. Being human is disgusting... I hate it!!! I feel so gross. I want to die.

[staloysius]

Arfid body image..purity ocd...ero guro...the usual...

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How anyone can love a body like mine is beyond me. I look at my wrists in horror. I see bone. I take off my shirt and it's the grotesque image of the corpus christi staring back at me, ribcage protruding. Nobody can love a body like this. I've always been like this. A neotenous skeletal abomination. Cursed with unholy adult thoughts while in the body of the extremely malnourished child that I've always been. Nothing is congruent!!!

The thought of anyone wanting to have sex with me scares me beyond end but I'll admit I am disgusting and selfish enough to want to feel a warm body next to mine. To not even do anything, really. Just be there. But I'm gross for that, aren't I? Nobody wants to sleep with a man who look like he hasn't aged past 14 because of his chronic malnourishment. A man-child perpetually stuck in his "sex is bad and impure" phase because of things that happened/said years ago. What am I doing all this for? I'm not pure. I'll never be. Never was. I want to die because of that.

But god how much I yearn for someone to just...see my filth and still love me. To cut me open and grab my bloody organs and call me handsome. To tell me that the fact that I have a human body (which is inherently sexual which is indeed gross and impure and repulsive) is something they love. I don't wish to have a body but that'd make me feel a little better.

[staloysius]

I ahpuld starve myself me thinks maybe i'll fucking grow an appetite for once im so fucking ungrateful anf disgusyng

[staloysius]

I love being around my friends and my mind telling me that I'm contaminated and impure now if I hug them because their bodies have had sex :]

I want to fucking kill myself my brain is a nightmare

[staloysius]

ARFID

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I think the only thing that makes me feel worse than the physical effects of arfid is the feeling of ppl worrying about me.

I dont want people worrying about me. I hate it.

[staloysius]

God cursed me with neoteny when I feel so fucking old.....

[staloysius]

ED BODY IMAGE TALK

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one of my friends just revealed to me that my entire friend group has seen me lose weight for months and that theyre worried.

I feel awful. I didn't know. I've felt worse but I didn't know it was visible. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I don't want to see myself in photos or mirrors anymore. They must think I look fucking emaciated. I'm disgusting!!!!!!! And the worst part!!!!!! I do it to myself !!!!! Because i'm a stupid picky brat who can't fucking eat normally!!!!! I've been so depressed ive been eating the same food over and over since august i can stop eating im so scared and sad i dont want to try new things i need to stick w what i know but its killing me!!!! I'm fucking wasting away in front of everyone's eyes and theyre watching and i feel disgusting.......im so scared....i'm so scared of myself.....EDs are terrifying....

[staloysius]

Ocd will really have you on your knees in a fucking church praying compulsively on a random sunday.

Im not even a christian like that. I havent done that since I was 7.

[staloysius]

Unhealthy thoughts...purity culture....yappa yappa yappa dont listen to me....

I realized the phrase "friends with benefits" is like a sure fire way to get me to ruminate heavy. A new friend i made mentioned that they had friends w benefits and immediately had an intrusive thought that they were a fundamentally bad person? That they didnt believe in pure love because they partook in relationships like that? I called them disgusting in my head....why would I think that? People can do whatever they want I'm not a pillar of virtue and im in no place to judge. And then I started thinking about how awful of a person I am for thinking that. I hate myself so much. Truly. I am an awful person.

[staloysius]

ED (body image talk, ARFID IMP)

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thinking abt my eating habits stresses me out so much....im so underweight...i feel so weak....but ive been so depressed that ive been eating the same thing for lunch for MONTHS now. It sucks. I feel awful. I get scared looking at my arms because of how thin they are. They're sticks. They're bones. I'm terrified of myself. I feel like i'm wasting away. Theyre disgusting. I feel like a disgusting skeleton. Who could love a body like this?

[staloysius]

BAD BAD THOUGHTS UNTAGGED BC THERES SO MUCH PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS

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I genuinely think I was destined to never love anyone. Aesthically. Romantically. Sexually. I can't fucking do it. Why else would my mind be like this? My body? I'm fucking stuck and cursed to this child-like body while my mind is fucking filthied and tarnished beyond repair. I'm truly unloveable. My body is incomplete. A mistake. I'm a faggot and an abomination to nature. My fate truly is to have nobody love me. Nobody can see whats underneath here in order to prevent myself from getting even dirtier than I already am. I'm disgusting. But that doesn't mean I can do whatever I want. No. I need to protect myself. Innocence? No. The filth of others. Sex is bad. And by proxy romance too. Romance can lead to sex so thats dangerous as well. I can't risk it. It's not pure. I'll get in trouble. Someone will know. Someone. And someone will get angry at me. Chide me. Sit me down and call me a whore for even thinking of saying someone is attractive in a non sexual way. It's forbidden for me. It's not for me. I can't love. It's icky. It's bad. Impure. Dirty. I can't do it. I can't do it. Its my feeble attempt at grasping at the innocence I had, if I ever did have it that is.

[staloysius]

Just had the fucking illest tweak out in the shower.

Nothing like sobbing begging god for forgiveness for finding anyone attractive. Confessing your crippling awful homophobic thoughts torwards yourself. Confessing that you feel like you can't like anyone ever and nobody can like you because you'll get in trouble and get called filthy.

Just boy things!

[staloysius]

Violent??? Gorey?? Ero Guro imp?? Not rlly ero??

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Day 4478544688 of romanticising kissing the decapitat3d head of a s/o because thats the only way I can envision myself being able to love someone. Tears running down my cheeks while I give them gentle sob filled kisses. Holding them in my arms not having to worry about anything dirty besides blood???? (OBV NOT IRL THIS IS FANTASY!!!! IN FICTION!!!)

(in my deluded mind the grotesqueness of them being just a head cancels out any sexual bits to it so it counts as "clean" in my head + theres no other yucky body parts)

.....one of the main reasons ive fixated on kawoshin from eva....it feels pure....

[staloysius]

The cycle of self-repulsion and finding consolation in the grotesque is too fucking real for me. I find such comfort in images of ships where one character is holding the deceased body of another in an almost martyr-like way. Bonus points if theres no body at all and it's just a head. There's an sacred intimacy to it all. It doesn't tick off that filthy feeling. It feels..."pure" to me. I want a love like that. I want to be held like I'm dead. Or hold someone like they're dead. So tenderly. With a sense of gentle yet excrutiatingly deep reverence and worship.

[staloysius]

More rambling.

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how badly I want someone to hold my face and fuel my awful thoughts. How badly I want someone to hold my face and tell me I'm pure and will forever stay pure. How terribly I need someone to hug me as I fucking scream into their shoulder begging and pleading them to reassure me that I'm not a irreparably damaged and filthied being. I need to hear it. I need to hear it that my body....my soul isn't an inherently disgusting thing and that I'm in fact filled with holy divine love that deserves to be shared!

[staloysius]

Hi I'm back......

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Will I ever be able to look someone in the eye and tell them I love them? Will I ever be able to tell someone the thoughts that haunt me at night? How I constantly feel a judging looming presence over me?

Will I ever be able to sit down on a bed with someone else and open up to them about how filthy I think my form is and how the only way I think I could retain whatever innocence I have left is by staying a virgin forever? No s*x. No kissing. Nothing. I can't let myself have any of it. Other people can do it but it doesn't feel right for me. I can't allow myself to do it. I'm not mommy's angel anymore. Then what am I? What am I if I'm not good? If i'm not pure?