Hi.
It’s been a year and a half. I remembered not long ago this BD I made at the time. Unfinished.
I remember the day I stopped been actively involved this Moomin content. A lots a thing stopped that day. I used to relate to Snufkin, a lot. For a bunch of things. But this day changed so much things in me that all these stuffs which made me related with Snufkin.. Suddently were lost ?
I used to think a lot about longing. How to deal with it ? How to accept it ? How to make it disappear ? What was maturity ? What was selfishness ? How to tell the difference between being selfish and having needs ? And I used to think a lot about watching someone leave and having no choice but let them go, because they are nothing you can do about it.
I imagine I grew up. I grew up. Things are differents now, and, for few of them, I’m glad they have been change.
I still longing, sometimes. About life before Covid, before this night, before the medicine. About the friends I used to have, about the possibilty to talk every day to someone IRL if I wanted to.
I am longing for one of my friend tonight, again. I can only hope things stops to be weird, to be off. In a way difficult to explain. I feel that I watch them leave. Slowly but surely. And everything I try, to talk to them, to try understand them, to be here for them, to support them, it goes wrong. Again, they are no solution. Not from me, because I don’t think the problem came from me.
Relationship are so fragiles. They are a lot. A lots of words and a lots of sincerity, and a desir to do right. But again, things fell apart. Words became lies. And promises are not kept. They are no good or bad. Just sometimes things stop to be aligned, to feel right. No matters how I want it to work.
I know am I dramatic. But after this year. I can hope that nobody blame me for the pain I have to watch one of my two friends I can talk everyday, drift away. Both of them are.. So much.. To me. Watching one of them go away from my life is already way too much for me. I love being alone. But when I chose to be. There no choice here. I am so alone. Again and again and again and again. Every day.
Even with the presence of my parents, bless them, they are days when I seriously wonder if they are possibilities that I die from loneliness.
I am so emotionnaly vulnerable. Yet my mum say that she never see me so strong and capable to keep feet into reality and not drowning me into the darkness of my mind. I thought about it. And I think it is about resilience. I developped a capacity of resilence. Maybe I’m more mature too.
Yes I’m strong. But they are so few lights in my life for the past months. And don’t get me wrong I cherish each of them. But they are so few, it can’t garantee me security. It leads me to put maybe too much of myself into these two relationship. In fact, into every interaction I have on Tumblr. Cause I came to accept that almost all my social life is here now. It is so unstable. I expect myself to act like an adult, with maturity and self preservation. But I feel I have so little emotionnal security ! Yeah ! If I lost my two friend, how will I gonna do hein ? How can I expect to be rationnal and mature if I don’t even have the possibity to call or text casually a friend for telling them what’s up, what’s going on ! It is too much asking from life ? Do I fucking demand too much attention ?! Do I ask too much ?!
I am sick ! Sick this shitty worldwide situtation !! I feel trapped ! Trapped into my small world I have to content myself with ! I want to leave ! To discover ! To hug ! To impulsively reach a friend outside my city, and spend time with them ! I want to travel ! I want to love ! I want to say “I love you” ! I want to say “fuck you” ! I want to go in class and learn and be friend with my classmates ! I want see what I don’t know ! See that life is more than what I have now ! I want to party ! I want to go into bars and laugh with the loud music shacking my heart ! I want to travel !
I want to fly.
This BD is about letting someone go. But honestly, see wat you want to see. I will never finish it. Maybe it has a good ending. Or maybe not ? What is a good ending anyway ? Sometimes people drift away for better met again when the time come.