Life has been coming at me hard lately. It’s difficult to make sense of my feelings when they’re all over the place. I go through basically every emotion in a day.
I felt big changes coming for this year… but I never thought one of them would be us.
New job, new life … and then you stop me dead in my tracks. When I need to be the most focused, the most motivated, you drop a fucking bomb on me. Snap of a finger and I wake up to a life that feels so foreign it makes me dizzy. I went from being wrapped in love, comfort & peace, to total shock.
I keep telling myself “Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow you’re going to wake up with a fresh slate, you’re going to get right out of bed and do yoga, smile and, be strong…” My alarm goes off and I snooze all 3, sleep an hour past then, some days I do do yoga, some days that entails me lying on my yoga mat in tears, because even when I clear all the other clutter from my head, you’re still there, and all I can do is succumb to it.
Everything reminds me of you… some of the things I love the most… now just make me think about you. Nature and beautiful scenery reminds me of all our trips we had together… and all the ones that didn’t happen yet that may never at all. Being in calm, peaceful, pristine nature is how being with you feels. The two together and I’ve never felt more complete.
I miss cooking for you, miss eating with you. Even food has lost its shine and excitement because good food makes me think of you.
Mushrooms make me think about the first time I realized how truly connected I am to you. How much I fucking love you.
We were so in love. You loved me so much that it ignited every part of my being. I felt like a ray of light, glowing.
I loved you so much that it set me free, brought me the most unreal peace I’ve ever felt.
Now you don’t even sound like the same person to me anymore… you sound like a stranger on the other line. The love is gone in your voice.
Your presence doesn’t feel the same. It makes me anxious, confused, sad.
I feel like I cant talk to you, don’t feel like I trust you. Even this right here, everything that I pour out here, I probably wont say to you .. & you’ll never read this… and most of me is okay with that because I don’t trust you to know my emotions anymore.
I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know I have to let you grow… but every day it feels like you’re out growing me. Growing into someone I don’t know. Someone who doesn’t love me anymore.
I hardly know myself these days either. I sulk, I cry, Im weak right now, & I fucking hate it.
I need to focus on myself. I have to get back to the gym, I have to stop eating garbage, stop falling deeper into this hole. I see glimpses of a bigger, better, stronger me on the other side of this … but keep hoping you’re there too. I know that we do need time apart, I need to grow in new ways without you as well, need to reignite my wild heart, live big and free on my own for some time, I just wish that had the comfort of knowing for a fact that you’ll be on the other side of that bridge with your hand out stretched towards me when the time is right.
I have no idea what is going to happen. You said that you think we’ll end up together again and for a minute, that felt so damn believable… But these days we hardly talk. I always give more than I get… It progressively feels more and more like it’s really over. I’m trying to be positive, trying to push those thoughts away but they still lurk.
I can’t imagine loving anyone else as I do you… but I guess that’s natural, that’s how everyone feels after a break up. It’s just extra difficult to accept when the relationship was nearly perfect. I can count the amount of actual fights we’ve ever had on one hand.
No matter what happens, I will always have so much gratitude for these past few years. I’ve grown infinitely. My anger issues are basically non existent, my patience and understanding have sky rocketed, I just see the world through different eyes now having experienced the love we shared. I mean some of the credit has to go to mushrooms too :P but the combination of being truly loved, loving in return & beautiful psychedelic experiences with you have brought me into the skin I’m in now, skin that will always glow with the light of those days.
Our love felt like an Alina Baraz song.
Sultry, beautiful, enchanting.
I wish I gave you more love. You deserved more love. You deserve so much.
You are so sweet, patient, handsome & loving. There wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t amazed by how lucky I was to have you.
I love you so so very much, and I hope you come back to me. You’re my home, my best friend.
If you don’t, the happiness you gave me will always be within me. I will always love you.
And if you aren’t the one for me, I can’t imagine what it will feel like when I find the one who truly is.
