When I first heard of Anton’s death, I was overwhelmed by sadness. There are no words to describe the tragedy of someone so bright, talented, and lovely dying at such a young age. However, when the shock had somewhat abated, I ended up feeling confused - and even guilty.
The reason is that while grieving for the loss of the amazing person Anton clearly was, I was also mourning for the loss of Chekov, and for the fact that Star Trek and its fandom had turned from a source of enjoyment into one of infinite sadness. Watching Star Trek, logging onto tumblr and finding pretty gifsets, getting excited with my friends about Beyond - these were some of my go-to things to do when feeling depressed and in need of distraction. Now that I need comfort more than ever, I can’t turn to them, because they are too closely associated Anton, whose passing is the reason I’m sad.
However, I’ve come to the realisation that mourning for these things as well as for Anton isn’t something I should feel guilty about. In fact, it’s an indication of how profoundly Anton’s talent touched my life, and to what an extent I associate his work with happiness and comfort. It’s not wrong or selfish to feel sad about my ‘happy place’ becoming a source of grief - it’s perfectly normal.
Regardless of whether you’re grieving by engaging with Star Trek and its fandom or by avoiding it, please don’t let guilt enter into the equation. While Star Trek will forever be marked by Anton’s passing, things will get better. As long as we’re here for each other, and continue to honour and celebrate Anton’s work, Star trek and its fandom will eventually become a source of happiness again. Anton was a truly amazing person, and however you are dealing with this terrible loss, know that there’s no ‘wrong’ way to do it - and that while things are difficult right now, we will all be okay.
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