A Dangerous Game: 6 - Never
Summary: In which a game leads to a dare that forces you to spend time with the one you hate the most.
[Part Five: Confrontation]
Pairing: Junior!Loki x Junior!Reader
(for non-americans: juniors are generally 16-17 year olds in their 11th year of the american 12 year education system)
(also for non-americans: third grade is when youre eight/nine yrs old, fourth is when youre nine/ten yrs old, fifth is when youre ten/eleven yrs old, you get the idea.)
Warnings: a lil bit of blood, but not very much. loki talks abt some emotionally abusive parenting.
Publishing Date: May 19, 2018
A/N: it’s here!!!! sorry it’s so late, and thanks for your patience. Expect regular updates from now on since ap’s are over. love ya’ll
A/N Part.2: Read ‘Confrontation’ first, it’ll make things clearer for this chapter (link’s above)
You heard your phone ding. It was around eight thirty at night. It’s probably Bucky, you thought. Whatever, I don’t need to talk to him right now.
Your phone dinged again. And again. You continued to ignore it. But due to the way your phone was programmed, it would continuously ding even if there weren’t several texts sent to you. With the increasing number of dings from your phone your curiosity grew; you had forgotten that program existed.
After fifteen minutes you grabbed your phone.
God, who’s texting me right now?
You pressed the ‘on’ button and scrolled down from your other notifications.
You nearly dropped your phone.
You gripped your phone tightly and leaned back.
I need to know what I did to you
What does he need? What does he mean? How could he not know?
You turned your phone on again and logged on, reading over the message. You breathed in and out deeply, mind beginning to race.
What are you talking about?
You pressed send. Almost immediately, Loki sent a text back.
You said I hurt you. That you had nightmares from that day.
Just talking to Loki again and being reminded of what had happened was making you panic. When Loki had said things at school, when Bucky tried to defend you and when you were reminded so fiercely about what had happened years ago you didn’t panic. Now you were. But you didn’t know why.
She’s probably angry on the other line
Come on. I need an answer.
Y/N, please just tell me what I did. I don’t remember
I did so many things that I regret but you have to tell me what exactly I did that hurt you so badly because I don’t remember
Loki admitted it. He regretted what he did. His wall had fallen and he regretted every single thing he had done to you.
It was a strange thing. He hadn’t felt any remorse for so long, and for so long his own mind told him that what he was doing was fine. But when you looked at him with so much emotion in your eyes, be it hate, anger or happiness, he crumbled.
The words came pouring out as he typed them on his phone. It was his heart speaking. And his heart felt horrible.
I am so sorry for everything I’ve done.
I’ve hurt you so badly and I feel so terrible because I thought that’s what I needed to do to make sure you didn’t get closer to me
Loki felt tears escape his green eyes and glide down his cheeks.
He breathed out and paused, looking to see if you had begun to type. But you hadn’t; not yet.
You sat there in shock, mind speeding a mile a minute. Thoughts were crossing in and out of your train of thought faster than ever.
He’s sorry? He didn’t want to get closer to me? He doesn’t remember? He regrets it? Why did he do it? He’s being ridiculous.
Thoughts like those were only a fraction of what was happening in your head. But you were able to type up and send a response.
I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me
Reading over the texts, you sounded calm and composed. In reality, however, you were a mess.
You didn’t want to get closer to me?
I’m going too fast, Loki thought while reading over the texts you had just sent. I need to explain.
Y/N, I need you to listen to me, okay? Don’t interrupt or say anything
Loki needed to explain it to you. All of it. And it was a lot.
He didn’t know where to start.
No, you don’t have the right to tell me not to say anything.
After so many years of torture, you don’t have the right
You looked at the clock next to your bed. 8:54. You hadn’t even texted Loki before today. Let alone hold a conversation for longer than two minutes without him insulting you.
Yet here you were. A school night in the beginning of May, staring at the phone in your lap.
I’m so confused. He’s hated me for years, but now he says he regrets it. He’s bullied me horribly, but he says he wanted to become closer to me. He says he doesn’t remember, but I had bruises and cuts. What is wrong with him?
You picked up your phone again. There were already a string of messages from Loki.
Loki let out a breath and sniffed. I need her to listen
You looked at your phone. I can’t do this. Not now. Yet you still texted back.
But if you say anything that upsets me, anything that hurts me, I will never listen again.
Loki let out a sigh of relief. And then he began.
I don’t know if you remember anymore, but we used to be friends
“Hurry, come on!” You yelled, eyes bright as your small feet hit the ground. You were seven years old. Running on the grass at your elementary school, you felt someone grab your hand.
A little giggle followed shortly after, “I’m right here, Y/N!” The two of you ran off the grass and onto the blacktop near the playground.
You laughed and looked behind you, “Come on! Hurry up! Sam’s behind us!”
You pulled the hand closer to you, “We’re going to get tagged!”
Your friend gripped your hand tighter, “Okay, okay!” They squealed, and you tried to run faster.
However, you didn’t see the rock on the ground. Your shoe caught the rock and you stumbled onto the blacktop, little hands trying to break the fall. Your knees scraped against the pavement, and you could already feel the sting.
You cried out in pain as your turned yourself around, sitting on the ground and bringing your knees closer to you.
Oh no. Your friend thought. They bent down and looked at your knees, watching as blood seeped out. They blew on your knees, “Here, blowing on them helps! My brother showed me.” Their high-pitched voice said. They blew on the cuts again and waved their hands in your face, “Magic!”
You giggled; the pain wasn’t so bad anymore. Your friend held your hands and pulled you back up. You laughed again and hugged them.
“Mwah” You kissed their cheek and gave a toothy grin, “Thanks Loki!”
Loki smiled and blushed, “You’re welcome.”
You were so bright and so happy.
By the the time we were in fourth grade, that feeling hadn’t changed
Your happiness was everywhere, and you had this light that would spread to everyone.
But for me, even though that light was still there, at home I had so many problems that took it away.
My mom died when we were in fourth grade.
“Mommy?” Loki whispered, voice breaking. His eyes were wet with tears, red from crying so much. Tears held his long, black eyelashes together.
Frigga, his mother, was stretched out on the hospital bed, tubes connected to her arms and an oxygen mask covering her mouth. A car had crashed into her on the highway. They were drunk and speeding. The crash was terrible.
“Mommy, please wake up.” Loki whispered, clutching his mother’s hand.
I didn’t tell anyone, and my dad told me not to say anything at school. I don’t think Thor told anyone either. The day my mom died was the day I lost the person that gave me so much strength. When she died, my dad treated me worse than he had before.
It wasn’t any physical abuse, just emotional.
Comparing me to Thor, telling me how I was weak, how I was stupid, how I couldn’t do anything right and how I was an embarrassment to the family
By the time I was eleven my mind was so messed up. I couldn’t sleep at night and the things my dad told me made me so anxious and upset all the time. I always believed whatever he said.
Because he was my 'dad’ and I was a kid
And that’s how my mind worked
When I saw myself in the mirror, I didn’t like it. When I did something wrong at home and I got yelled at for it, I thought it was my fault.
I think Thor was too scared to do anything. And my sister was never home.
So when I would come to school, and see you smiling and so happy I didn’t want to mess it up.
I didn’t want you to stop being happy.
I didn’t want my anger and hate and sadness to hurt you
So at the end of fifth grade and into sixth I stopped talking to you
Then I started to make fun of you
But what I didn’t realize then was that trying to distance myself by bullying you was actually hurting you
I don’t know what was wrong with me, what is wrong with me, but I thought that being mean to you wouldn’t hurt you, it would just make you not want to be around me
I didn’t look at how much pain you must have felt the first time I told you to shut up, or the first time I told you to not look at me, or the first time I told you not to touch me
I snapped back at you all the time, and I never stopped
I tried to convince myself that I hated you, that you should never stay friends with me, and that you should hate me too
But Y/N, I couldn’t convince myself. I couldn’t.
Because I still love you as much as I did then.
Loki’s face was wet from the tears. His hands were shaking. He didn’t know what he was saying. But still he continued.
Your happiness faded, but I didn’t notice
Your smile wasn’t as big, but I didn’t notice
Your laughter wasn’t as loud, but I didn’t notice
I was so stuck in my own world, where I hated myself, hated the world, and wanted to hate you
I built a wall in my mind to keep you out
But when you came and sat at my table, it crumbled.
You looked at me with hatred and anger, and I hurt so much inside.
In the time that we hadn’t spoke, where your face started to look happy again, where I could hear your laughter, where I could see you spreading light to the people around you, I looked at myself
I looked at my justifications for hurting you. My justifications for why you shouldn’t like me.
Loki wiped his face with his sleeve.
And it’s been three years since I’ve looked back. But I didn’t say anything to you. The wall was still there.
I still hated myself, but I hated my father more
I hated what he had done to me. I hated how I had hurt you. How I had bullied you. How I didn’t realize what I had done.
At night I couldn’t sleep.
The regret tore me to pieces
I didn’t break because there was still a wall there, to block out your light
But, what I don’t understand is how I hurt you.
Emotionally, I know I did so many things that you won’t forgive
But physically? I never, ever would do anything to you
So when you say you were cut up and bleeding and in so much physical pain I don’t know what you’re talking about.
You were in shock. You remembered when the two of you were friends. You loved him more than anyone could. He was your best friend.
But when he pushed you away, bullied you, hurt you, you were in so much pain.
And you didn’t know how you could forgive him for that.
He said he still loved you, but if he loved you then he needed to show it.
Because right now you were still in pain.
The wounds that had closed and left scars in your mind opened again with his words. You were hurt. And you didn’t know how to handle his confession.
You read over his text again. ‘I need you to explain.’ You were hurt inside but you wouldn’t hold back. You were going to explain.
When I found out today that Bucky threatened you, I didn’t know why for a few seconds.
Loki when I was fourteen, we were still in ninth grade.
I was walking home from school, sad from another day of being hurt. Sad from being reminded that we used to be friends. Sad from feeling like I had no one, even though I had Steve, Bucky and so many others
That day, I crossed the street towards my house and continued to walk down the sidewalk.
Something hit my back. Hard. Like someone kicked me
I felt myself fly forward and onto the sidewalk
No. You thought. This can’t be happening.
You stumbled onto the ground, palms cut from trying to save your fall. Your knees stung from the contact.
I remember somebody grabbing my arms and pulling me back up
But then they threw me down again
I was too scared to cry out.
You used your arms to cover your head and face. You gasped in pain as a foot made contact with your side.
Your legs were cut and bleeding. Your body was bruised all over.
When I looked up at the people that were attacking me, I was so scared.
All I saw were people I didn’t know, but people my age.
People that called me the same names you did.
You shivered at the memory.
A few minutes later I heard Bucky screaming.
Screaming at them to get away from me.
Screaming at them to stop hurting me.
You breathed out. The memories were so painful it was as if you were experiencing them again.
Loki I don’t know why you don’t remember.
I know those were your friends.
I know you sent them after me
Your pain turned to anger.
I was so hurt, in so much pain
Bucky begged me to tell the school. Begged me to tell somebody. He begged me to get help
I was so scared I didn’t want to get help
Because I thought that you’d make them hurt me again.
And next time I wouldn’t just be bruised
The pain and fear that you caused that day I won’t ever forgive
No matter how many times you say you’re sorry
You shut off your phone and put it on your nightstand.
I will never forgive him.
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