from this ethel cain ama

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Keni

JVL
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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★
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@starlet-siren
from this ethel cain ama
Aging is cruel.
Pages of a book stuck between fingers.
You lick and lick and they stay attached
refusing to peel apart.
Hair like dryer lint, lifting in the wind
whisping away, fragile thing.
A ghost of years past
and on your face, the betrayal of truth.
Hubris washed off, and confidence broken.
Heart in shambles, the failures of relationships end.
Jobs lost and children angry.
Revealing the lonely ranks of insecurity.
I know nothing.
I am nothing.
I never was.
You are nothing too
but you posture, with your youth.
And maybe, that is good enough
while it lasts.
- Senescence. 2025
This is how I originally wrote it. One of those that starts as a poem and then begs to be a song. I posted a fragment of this on tumblr a while back, but here’s the initial piece in its entirety 🤍
The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947
Scarlett Johansson during the filming of Lost in Translation photographed by Sofia Coppola.
I’ve been on my knees since I was 5.
In the chapel,
in a bedroom,
in an alley late at night.
Always facing an inflated
godlike
version of some guy.
But as a girl you do what you need to survive.
You open wider, take the body.
Thank your father, you’ve been naughty.
2 Hail Marys, 20 lashings.
“I’ve been sent to punish you for daring to exist.
You will never know a love as meaningful as this.”
I’ve memorized
the lines
since I was 10.
From the Bible,
from the playbook,
from the magazines for men.
If you should mess it up, you’ll start again.
But, still, they only want
the women
they condemn.
I think that I’d have too much fun in hell.
With the pagans
and the hedonists
and sapphics there as well.
Purgatory seems the better fit
I can’t stand waiting in the corner,
but I do love being hit.
There’s not a torture you can prescribe
that I wouldn’t find
a way to like.
Every single second I’m alive
I’m sharpening an axe I’d like to grind.
“I was sent to punish you
for the way I was designed.
You will never know a love
that you fear more than mine.”
- “God Fear a Woman” 2023
due to many foreseen circumstances i will go insane
The Addams Family - Season 1 Episode 33 (1965) Lurch, the Teenage Idol
unfortunately if you are an old friend of mine i will always care about you no matter what even if we haven't seen each other in forever because i still remember what you were like 7 years ago and i still remember how it felt to be young with you and i still have a lot of love for you in the back of my mind
except for the fact it was my birthday, MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY
見晴懷古步道 / Jancing Historic Trail
I love taking away people's access to me. Like the trial is over and your card is declined
~ Margaret Atwood, from "Variation on the World Sleep"
Perhaps it victimizes me to admit that I am expertly betrayed. Easily taken advantage of. I am not a martyr. I am The Devil’s Professional Advocate. I will put myself in your shoes till my flesh melts with the soles. And in these trappings not made for me, my clumsy and stumbling gait walks me into gaping pits of disillusion. Bear traps set in a forest by those who know I will stop to admire the leaves and search for beetles on their backs who need rescuing. I suppose that I owe my survival to a magic trick I learned (earned?) when I was young:
“Leave your body, and go somewhere else.”
I became such a skilled dis-associator that I split in two. Peel myself straight down the middle like the plastic backing of a bandaid. Astral project into a timeline where I haven’t made whatever grave error in character judgement has landed me in my terrible predicament. I have been asked 100 times what the difference is between Halsey and Ashley and I have never answered honestly. The truth is that I built her, as a child, to protect the tender core that lies beneath. In a confusing chain of events, my maladaptive daydream became my full time reality. My armor can walk and talk and they look just like me. But you can’t hurt us anymore,
Because one of us is not real.