Starlight Saffire

[starlightsaffire]

Loving You Is Killing Me

I don’t want to love you. My life would be so much easier if I could forget. It would be almost perfect. Things have been going so well, so why do I still want you? You were the first person outside my family to notice me. To care. That’s probably why. But why couldn’t we just stay friends? I should have ignored you. Why did you have to be so tall. Own such piercing green eyes. Attentive eyes. Eyes that noticed me. I miss you looking at me. How pathetic is that? Even your smell drew me in, even before I realized I liked you. Your smile is all I seem to crave lately. That’s a lie. I crave so much more then that.Your hands were so warm. You made me feel safe. I trusted you.

How stupid of me.

Whatever you felt for me wasn’t strong enough to overcome family and expectations. I was foolish enough to believe it was.

Of course I believed that. Isn’t that what all love stories have? My own parents defied their families to be together. I was swept up in a sea of emotions. What I felt for you was the most intense feeling I’ve ever known. It overtook everything. Drowned it all out. My senses. My reasoning. My ability to eat or breathe. It was awful. But not as bad as being rejected. That was much worse. It was so terrible. I don’t understand why I ever wanted to experience heartbreak. It sucks. It’s the worst thing to ever happen to me. I felt like such a fool. I felt like my world was crashing in on itself. Everything seemed distant and strange and the worst part of it is that I wish you hated me. Wish I could hate you. I wish I was the girl who fell in love with assholes. That you were someone I could hate. Instead I fell for a guy who was noble enough to put his family’s needs before his own desires. Because I know you liked me. Everyone knew. We weren’t good at hiding how we felt.

I just need to fall for someone new. That’s the only cure to forget you. I know it works. Falling for you helped me get over someone else I was pining for. Does that make me a bad person?

Problem is, it took me twenty years to find you. How long will it take me to find someone else? I always believed that I would meet someone, if I just lived my life. Pursuing things with the point to meet someone never appealed to me. It’s just not my thing. I guess that’s why I felt like we were so perfect.

Ironically, all the problems I foresaw us needing to overcome only cemented the idea of us. Of how we were meant to be. I had accepted a long time ago that my life will never be easy. So I stopped expecting that. Not that I don’t hope it will be easy, that’s been impossible so far. Instead when I try to take on the challenges that are dropped in my lap. Tell myself that I can survive anything. After this past two years I’m more confident then before. Everything about you is just wrong. You’re the wrong age. You’re blonde, something my dad hates. You’re lack of experience. Then there’s your family. You just wouldn’t fit in with my life. Or my family. A boy who’s ten years older then me with tattoos and a motorcycle would probably be more acceptable to my parents. I’m not sure if that’s funny or sad.

But I have to let you go. I know you’re not supposed to give up on those you love, but I’m not sure if dwelling on something that ended nearly twelve months ago is healthy. Especially since you could never even tell me how you felt. I could just be reading too much into your actions. How pathetic would I be then? I need to move on. I need to forget. I can’t miss something that was never mine. So I’m giving it ten more days. That’s how long I’ll wait for a sign. For you. After that I need to close this chapter. I’m tired of reading it.

I guess this is a letter to you. I just don’t know if you’ll ever read it. You never seemed to like my letters.

[starlightsaffire]

Final Straw

The room begins to spin and I remind myself to breathe. My chest feels as though it’s been hacked in half. My lungs are pierced with a knife and yet I’m still breathing.

Light stings my eyes, a thousand cold needles digging into my skull. Unable to reach my brain. Unable to put me out of my misery.

It feels as though I’m underwater, ears thrumming, lungs not working. Everything hurts.

My heart is like a cracked bell that keeps ringing, ignoring the lines that grow and spread with each peel. Further destroying itself.

My eyes feel watery and I try not to blink. If I blink the tears will fall  and then everyone will know. They’ll see how I still care for you. For someone who’s found yet another way of breaking my heart and made me feel like the fool. As if our connection was one sided. I know you felt it too, but you refuse to admit it and I don’t want them to see. They can’t see. I won’t let them.

So I walk slowly and carefully out of the room. Down the stairs. Keeping my head down, I ignore all sounds of life. Hoping no one will notice me and follow. For once I want to be invisible.

The cold December wind hits me as I step out into the dark night. Stars twinkle down on me, a sight I might enjoy if my organs weren’t being ripped from my body. If every step didn’t ache. If every breath wasn’t a samurai’s sword piercing both of my lungs.

The first tear slips from my grasp. It chills my cheek and I know what I need.

My only thought is to find somewhere no one will find me. My feet start picking up speed. Taking me away. I almost slip, but I don’t stop. I need to go. I end up hunched next to a hay bale, leaning into it for comfort and warmth. I no longer hold back my sobs.

I don’t have to now.

I can cry without being seen. No one will come to look for me.

Tears run down my cheeks, and they don’t ever seem to stop. Time has stopped. The pain hasn’t left. It’s still here. Ripping me apart when I thought there was nothing left to rip. I don’t pretend anymore. So I dig through every wound. Every ugly scar, left by you. I offer all of it up. Release it into the sky with a shaking sob. No longer wanting any of it.

Every memory I have of us. Of you. It’s all ruined now. Stained with knowledge that I can’t forget. I heard once that love isn’t real if it’s not returned. That can’t be true though. What I felt for you was the most I’ve ever experienced in the two decades I’ve been on this earth. It was everything. Too much to put into words. I’ve already tried.

Besides, I know you felt it too. Everyone saw it. They saw it before I did.

Ice runs down my spine, and I welcome it. With it comes a spark of hope. The realization that I don’t deserve this. The thought that this was inevitable. This pain is the final straw. The last hurdle. The end of our journey. Forgetting you. Or at least forgetting how much I felt for you.

I try to breath slowly. Clear my mind. It takes a while, but the shaking eventually ceases. Each breathe longer and slower then the last. As I realize the truth. He doesn’t deserve me. I deserve more. That pain is almost as bad as the first. If he can’t be honest with himself, if he has to deny what I know he felt. He’s not worth it.

It’s been over three months for me, since that night. Over twelve weeks. More then eighty days.

It’s been an uphill climb. I was wrong about the last hurdle. You haven’t completely left my mind. You tend to pop in from time to time. It could be because I hear your name being called. Only it’s not you. Sometimes I see something green and think of your eyes. Or I wake up from a dream where you held me in your arms.

But the worst of it is over. I survived.

Life is a journey and the mountain that is you, well I’m still climbing it. Haven’t quite reached the peak, But I’m moving on and I won’t stop til I’m where I want to be.

[starlightsaffire]

Dreaming of You

I saw you in my dreams today. I saw your nose, your lips, your hands. It was so vivid. The green of your eyes. The hesitation in your words. The butterflies in my stomach, simply because you were close. So close. I could see the tan line where your t-shirt meets your upper arm. You were sweating.

You didn’t laugh in my dream, but I wish you had. Wished I could’ve seen you happy. Even now I can remember your laugh perfectly. The deep rumble that starts in your chest, shaking your entire body. How you bend over, bringing your head low enough for me to touch your soft hair.

Dreams come and go. Often we forget them moments after we wake. I don’t want to forget you. Or maybe I do. Never in my life has something caused me so much internal conflict. Until you.

I can’t forget you. That seems more accurate. I can’t forget how it felt being around you.

How your eyes never left me. The looks we would exchange, even when talking to other people. The feeling of your eyes watching me from across the room.

Before I wondered why you stared. It took me a while to realize how you felt. Even longer for me to realize I might feel the same. Eyes don’t touch but I can always feel when yours are on me. Feel you memorizing the contours of my face. Eyes that linger many moments too long on the more intimate parts of me. Felt you take in the slope of my neck and the curve of my hips.

I also looked. First out of curiosity. Wanting to know you. Though I noticed myself lingering on you a little too long. Unconsciously searching you out in a crowd.

Now as I sit here, all sleep gone from my eyes, I wonder. What if I had noticed sooner. If I had been less obvious. Maybe if I hadn’t told you how I felt. But that’s all in the past. Why can’t I forget you? Every time I’m close to leaving you behind, you find your way into my dreams. Squirming your way back into my head. Into my heart.

I’ve wondered if maybe, just maybe, I’m not supposed to let you go. Isn’t that a marker of true love? Maybe I didn’t fight hard enough. Maybe I need to keep fighting. God might be telling me that our story isn’t yet over.

I might just be afraid. Clinging to you. To the idea of you. You were the first person I ever fell for. I used to think I could never love anyone more then my family. That falling in love was just adding another person to the list of people I’d kill and die for.

It’s not though...

It’s so much more and maybe I’m afraid of letting that go.