Loving You Is Killing Me
I don’t want to love you. My life would be so much easier if I could forget. It would be almost perfect. Things have been going so well, so why do I still want you? You were the first person outside my family to notice me. To care. That’s probably why. But why couldn’t we just stay friends? I should have ignored you. Why did you have to be so tall. Own such piercing green eyes. Attentive eyes. Eyes that noticed me. I miss you looking at me. How pathetic is that? Even your smell drew me in, even before I realized I liked you. Your smile is all I seem to crave lately. That’s a lie. I crave so much more then that.Your hands were so warm. You made me feel safe. I trusted you.
How stupid of me.
Whatever you felt for me wasn’t strong enough to overcome family and expectations. I was foolish enough to believe it was.
Of course I believed that. Isn’t that what all love stories have? My own parents defied their families to be together. I was swept up in a sea of emotions. What I felt for you was the most intense feeling I’ve ever known. It overtook everything. Drowned it all out. My senses. My reasoning. My ability to eat or breathe. It was awful. But not as bad as being rejected. That was much worse. It was so terrible. I don’t understand why I ever wanted to experience heartbreak. It sucks. It’s the worst thing to ever happen to me. I felt like such a fool. I felt like my world was crashing in on itself. Everything seemed distant and strange and the worst part of it is that I wish you hated me. Wish I could hate you. I wish I was the girl who fell in love with assholes. That you were someone I could hate. Instead I fell for a guy who was noble enough to put his family’s needs before his own desires. Because I know you liked me. Everyone knew. We weren’t good at hiding how we felt.
I just need to fall for someone new. That’s the only cure to forget you. I know it works. Falling for you helped me get over someone else I was pining for. Does that make me a bad person?
Problem is, it took me twenty years to find you. How long will it take me to find someone else? I always believed that I would meet someone, if I just lived my life. Pursuing things with the point to meet someone never appealed to me. It’s just not my thing. I guess that’s why I felt like we were so perfect.
Ironically, all the problems I foresaw us needing to overcome only cemented the idea of us. Of how we were meant to be. I had accepted a long time ago that my life will never be easy. So I stopped expecting that. Not that I don’t hope it will be easy, that’s been impossible so far. Instead when I try to take on the challenges that are dropped in my lap. Tell myself that I can survive anything. After this past two years I’m more confident then before. Everything about you is just wrong. You’re the wrong age. You’re blonde, something my dad hates. You’re lack of experience. Then there’s your family. You just wouldn’t fit in with my life. Or my family. A boy who’s ten years older then me with tattoos and a motorcycle would probably be more acceptable to my parents. I’m not sure if that’s funny or sad.
But I have to let you go. I know you’re not supposed to give up on those you love, but I’m not sure if dwelling on something that ended nearly twelve months ago is healthy. Especially since you could never even tell me how you felt. I could just be reading too much into your actions. How pathetic would I be then? I need to move on. I need to forget. I can’t miss something that was never mine. So I’m giving it ten more days. That’s how long I’ll wait for a sign. For you. After that I need to close this chapter. I’m tired of reading it.
I guess this is a letter to you. I just don’t know if you’ll ever read it. You never seemed to like my letters.










