I can never find the right words to tell people what Iâm thinking. Telling them Iâm tired doesnât work, but I canât seem to vocalize that Iâm mentally exhausted and sick of existing. Telling them Iâm sad doesnât work either, but I canât explain that Iâm struggling not to kill myself and that the joy in everything in my life is gone and when I wake up to the sun in my eyes, I have to struggle to get myself out of bed because most of me didnât even want to wake up at all. I canât tell them Iâm numb because what Iâm feeling is so much more complex than numb and I donât have the vocabulary to tell them that I feel like Iâm drowning and it terrifies me that I feel nothing as itâs happening, and that my insides want to scream but I canât even find it in me to shed a tear anymore, that every single aspect of my life feels like itâs shaded in grey because all the colors were sucked out but I can hardly even remember what colors are because I can no longer remember a time I didnât feel like this. No, I donât know how to say that. So I just whisper âIâm fine.â
