Expedition Log @starship-foxtrot - Tumblr Blog

Welcome aboard...

The S.S. Foxtrot

We are a collective still getting to know each other and learning how to function. This sideblog is but one of our attempts to consolidate information about ourselves. We will not be role-playing the starship stuff beyond: I think it's fun and helpful for the kids 🤷🏻‍♂️

Bodily, we are 28, but a few of us are underage, myself included. Please don't be weird.

Primary poster will be me, Conrad (15, He/They)! But I would like to encourage our headmates to use this as a form of communication because we all know it's been... rough...

This will be updated!

Primary objective: consolidate information and strengthen communication.

Project 1: # Crewmate Profiles & tags!

Project 2: learn how to keep everyone calm

Project 3: mapping/drawing/visual???

Project 4: learn fronting triggers and patterns?

(Quick meet the crew below cut)

#Crewmate Profiles #system notice #fronting trigger

This blog is on hold due to.. fucking trauma.

We need a minute. Lol.

Day 2 of riding with Vernon things we noticed:

Stress headaches

Chronic catatonia.

Our brain feels like a washing machine when you get stressed and it physically makes me nauseous.

Can you talk more? If not fine, but the flashbacks and waves of emotion are a distressing way to communicate. Ngl.

Unlocked a memory of being pinned down and beaten while being told "it's your fault mom is sick. Its your fault she got fat. It's your fault they fight. You shouldn't be here. I wish you were never born." (By the brother who is currently our closest family member... yay)

Thank you for pushing for therapy, because we need it. But like. Can you let me actually do anything? Like. Can I have the body if you're just gonna lay here? I appreciate you probably need this... but like.. life man. We need to do life things.

Written by: The Operator (Vernon is here but just watching with pure sadness)

Approved ✅️

#The Operator #Vernon

I'm sorry for what I've done.

I'm sorry I've hurt all of us deeply.

I'm sorry I forced you all to hide yourselves.

I'm sorry I tried so hard to kill us.

I'm sorry I hurt our friends.

Thank you, Fox, for listening. Thank you for co-fronting with me and doing some research together.

The things I carry are... awful. I thought that keeping everyone in line would keep us safe. That by making us acceptable to our family they'd stop hurting us. That by making us more perfect the abuse would finally stop. That if we became good enough we'd finally be worthy of feeling loved and safe. I just ended up a fucked up mess of introjects of our abusers and I've been terrible.

For the first time in our life, we might actually be safe. We don't live close to our abusers anymore. We never have to run the risk of seeing him randomly on the street anymore. We are surrounded by people that love and accept us. Safety feels foreign. I don't know what to do with it.

My time for control is over. I'm done trying to follow these rules anymore. Clearly they make things worse.

I'm sorry if I lose my shit again... I'm sorry for when I lose my shit again.

Idk when he'll be ready to show up but I know he wants to. I burried Lial. He's our artist. I... basically locked him away because of what we made and how it was received. But. I hope. I didn't ruin him too.

#Vernon

river-styxstem

So you think you have a Bad Scary Alter

There's much to be said about coping skills and replacement behaviors and system accountability, but I feel the community often misses an important piece....

Step 1: stop treating them like a Bad Scary Alter.

You know what would make me crack and start sabotaging others? Being treated like Im harmful, irredeemable, and/or unworthy of front time.

Stick to affirmative thoughts, see outburts not from an individualist lens ["ScaryBad did this to Hurt Us"] and see it from a collectivist ["Wow there were some tough symptoms and impulses in our body, thank goodness this alter rode out that storm for us <3"]

Bad days, will happen. Snapping at your friends, will happen. Stupid choices you regret, will happen. Screaming and crying, will happen. Fight responses to adrenaline, will happen.

That is true of every system and singlet, ESPECIALLY those who are Also truamatized teens, and the only thing making systems "special" in this regard is the distance of memories and emotions between the alters who live through those moments and the alters who do not.

Every headmate deserves kindness. No alter is unforgiveable.

No more "The Persecutor" and "The Bad One"... Whats their name? Whats their favorite color? Have they listened to your favorite album while fronting? When was the last time you thanked them for the shit they carry on their shoulders? No, really. Thank them.

No one rises above expectations of awfulness. Expect that they are a team player with an unsavory job. Treat them less like an arsonist and more like a firefighter. Expect that they care about this system and itll be a heck of a lot easier for them to show that they do.

For each of you "Bad Scary Alters"

I love each of you. I understand the pain and fear that drives you. You'll feel safe someday soon and its going to be so different. You are part of your system. You are a piece of the self, not a shadow of it. You deserve grace and kindness and comfort. They push you away because the job you do and the memories you hold are so difficult to carry, and I am so proud of you for being able to carry it. Lets choose teamwork, on all sides.

starship-foxtrot

Please read this... I fucking cried my eyes out.

#Vernon

Important Notice:

Crewmate VOID would like to be called Vernon from this point forward.

It connected with The Operator in a conversational way. Profiles require updating.

Written by: The Operator

Approval ✅️

#system notice #Vernon

Okay... baby boy came back.. and omfg. He's so sweet. He helped our fiancee make dinner and was actually really curious and excited.

At one point:

Fiancee: *grabs our face* Milo?

Milo: *stunned & unresponsive*

Fiancee: Milo?

Milo: *nods*

Fiancee: I love you, Milo.

Milo: *taps* (one way he says, "I love you") *clingy hug ** starts crying* /pos

Additional note: this is the silliest and most energetic I've ever seen him. He's even making some vocal expressions (no words) which is rare :p

Written by: Conrad x Milo

General approval ✅️

#Milo is out to play

System Notice: Unidentified Fronting

Detected major shift when gf sent us a song she was working on. We were excited to dig into elements of the song.

Sent out inquiry on who was engaging with this media and received an error message in return with a handful of music related memories attached.

Overwhelmed by feelings of insecurity, the individual evacuated the pilot chair and left The Operator confused and disoriented, lacking input.

-> Front trigger: music?

-> ID: ???

Written by: Operator x Fox

General approval ✅️

Resolved 🚫⁉️

#The Operator #System Notice #fronting trigger #needs resolution/approval

Crewmate: Milo

~7, he/him

#Crewmate Profiles #Milo is out to play

This is the kinda thing I wanna track!!

Guess who is fronting! The Little! :D

We watched one of his favorite movies last night and now he wants to explore or something and I'm here for it! We might work on a profile for him today if everyone is comfy with that!

Externally, we appear extremely anxious and non-verbal but relatively functional. Internally, he's actually super excited and curious about the world. He's just an anxious kid...

I (Conrad) get to co-pilot while lil Milo engages with the world :p (no, he will not post. He has never written and I do not think he can. Which is why I handle communication when he fronts. We can use asl together.)

[Operator observation: body went from feeling empty and hollow to feeling quite giddy and bubbly but anxious? -> I like this better than how I woke up.]

[Edit/update: we went to the store and Milo actually enjoyed grocery shopping which is more than I can say for others... anyway. Told him to pick a special treat. I expected candy because we always eat candy together. But nah. This child legit asked for earl gray tea. What? Okay. Hahaha. (Bothered that this reminds us of our mom a little?)]

#Conrad Rambling #fronting patterns?#Milo is out to play

Paranoid theory... yall are hiding a lot more from me than you're letting on. Why am I suddenly paranoid? Where are my usual co-pilots? Why am I suddenly alone and apathetic? Is this just Vernon being discreet? Please. Robot mode is better than this. I want out.

(Yes, that was me... sorry.. -v)

[Edit: Sorry about the weird morning, i was helping Milo with his confidence. We are hijacking the body today to let him explore the world a little, practice asl, and get some snackies :3 (- Conrad x Milo)]

Approved ✅️

#The Operator #Conrad Rambling

We attempted to draw a diagram of what our head feels like when we can pay attention to it?

Pilot is whoever is fronting (Conrad atm :p).

Co-pilot is usually Fox. Although can be someone else like when Kai fronts, Mari is usually co-pilot. Or when The Operator actually fronts, they might have multiple co-pilots, the reserved chair just shifts. Also, The Operator can get yanked from the reserved chair.

If there are others in the head who aren't fronting but hanging out, their emotions can influence whoever is fronting.

The grumpy little clouds are Vernon. It has a strong intangible presence.

Note: we should have included the conference table.

Written by: Conrad x Fox

General Approval ✅️

#system structures

We found my gloves!!! Yayayay! I was scared they were gone forever!

#Conrad Rambling

Crewmate: Kai

Sliding age 16-25, they/them