@starsmaiden sent: “ stop doing that - stop trying to hide your emotions from me. “
“I’m not –” She is. She always is. She’s Jennifer Jareau. There’s never a time when she isn’t hiding her emotions from someone. She denies it so quickly like it’s an instinct. A habit. It’s well practiced and routine. But Astoria’s right. She’s hiding. She’s always hiding. And somehow, Astoria Greengrass always makes that impossible. “It’s just…” she doesn’t finish the sentence. JJ paces two steps the other way, hisses air through her teeth and stretches her mouth like that might ease the tension in her jaw. Her hands feel shaky and clammy in front of her. This isn’t how she usually does things. She’s off her game – unsteady.
JJ drops her hands to her side and smoothes her palms over her pants. She wishes she had bigger robes on so she didn’t suddenly feel so small. She’s not usually small. She’s usually proud, held together, unshakeable. This is different. Astoria’s different. Not just because of who she is but what she is. A beautiful, wide eyed symbol of all things JJ isn’t both in temperament and things that mattered, and in blood status and things that didn’t. Things that she knows matter to Astoria’s family. They must. They’re one of the only pureblood families left.
“I guess I’d just always wondered…” she can barely spit out the words. Some part of their friendship had always felt a little heavier. A little unspoken. Like maybe – just maybe – “I’m sorry. This really isn’t about me. Your parents are talking about setting you up in some kind of marriage treaty and I”m the one with sweaty hands.” JJ shakes her head, refocuses her attention back on Astoria, standing against the wall in the corridor they always meet in. She smoothes her hands over her own hair, tucking it behind her ears. “Are you okay?”
it broke her. not the fact that she is more than likely to be married off to some guy in some sort of way of keeping the pureblood line pure and proper but the thing that had her insides twisting, her chest tightening as the words left her mothers mouth, the way her father were looking down at her, was that she knew everything is about to change. no matter how much she didn’t want it too, she knows her future is out of her hands and there is nothing she could do about it. Things will never change. Things will not change. It can’t. It’s all that kept repeating in her hand, yet it is written in the stars to do exactly that.
What did this mean for their ... friendship? For whatever it is what they were. Her family tolerated this thing they had but they had always been verbally loud about how much they wished she’d move on, or make friends with other people. But how could Astoria be friends with anyone else other than ... her? The one person that truly understood everything about her, the one person Astoria knew she could pour her heart to and feel some form of comfort with. They are almost like they are two sides of one coin. The opposites but the same. She couldn’t let that be whipped away from her life, as it would leave her with a gaping hole where JJ belongs. But when JJ speaks to her, Astoria didn’t quite hear her at first with the others words bringing her back to reality. She didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to be anywhere. She wants to be in her arms. but no, she refrains.
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be? It’s you that’s not okay. You are hiding things from me again.” She’s not fine but she knows she cant let the other girl know that. As much as she would love to let everything out, she knows she cant do that because if she did, she isn’t sure if she’ll be able to stop herself from breaking down. And perhaps that’s why she tries to spin things onto JJ rather than herself. “It’s just funny ... I always knew this would happen. I just thought If i forgot about it, it wouldn’t ever become ... a reality.” She pauses, not quite sure how to continue. How is she suppose to tell the other girl how worried she is? How nervous she is about everything? Her shoulders slump, like she’s been deflated. “Everything will change now, you know?”