from the cosmos.

32 | ♐︎ | ♀️ — a goddess of my own making.

[starspun]

my posts: on conscious creation. no movement in the 3D?

🎀 my affirmations 💌 my journey + successes 🔍 my vision board 🌼 other affirmations + success stories 🔥 manifesting guidebook (long posts) + tips/motivation (shorter bites) 🌙 self-concept / self-love 💞 SP / beauty / money 🌎 help with the 3D

[jehovahhthickness]

Praying that $1500 randomly comes to you when you need it the most this year.

[jehovahhthickness]

Okay inflation is crazy.

We bumping up the price to $15,000 for 2026.

[starspun]

It’s so strange feeling yourself in the midst of transition.

I’ve been feeling it since July of last year and the ball somehow feels both like it is rolling and not. I started feeling like everything I wanted was just around the corner. I thought by Fall, certainly, and—well, in increments. I was half-right. Whole right, really, the timeline is just savoring itself a little more than anticipated.

I entertained the idea of how I never really get hit on, and while I have a boyfriend and didn’t want it to go anywhere, it would be nice to feel desired in a way I so rarely have—like I had the ability to make an immediate impression. We had a class at my workplace (unrelated to my department), and one of my coworkers who was assisting with it asked me a question to which I had to dig up an answer. I can’t explain it other than to say when I poked my head into the classroom, I very viscerally felt myself catch someone’s attention, without even so much as making eye contact with him. I didn’t look at anyone in the room except my coworker and popped in for no more than five seconds, but I felt a “ping” - a sort of energetic exchange. Shortly after, he was in my office chatting me up. No one has ever hit on me more audaciously than he did. It was a nice reminder of my power.

I also spent the whole summer mulling over a routine thought - “I spend every day in this building, doing only an hour or two of work. Everyone pretends they’re so busy but I don’t see how they actually could be. What a waste of time.” I felt resentful - like I was being held hostage for a paycheck. I just kept thinking “I could do this at home and be so much more productive with my time”. By November, we learned our company had been acquired by an out of state competitor, and when they interviewed us, we learned we’d be working from home. And so since December, I have been. And while I struggled with a lot of outdated beliefs within myself initially (my need to be helpful, to prove my value, my guilt over “taking advantage” or somehow cheating when they simply refuse to utilize me in productive or efficient ways), I am getting more comfortable carving those routines I dreamt of last summer. I do morning meditations, and walking workouts on my lunch break, and I cook meals I couldn’t if I were in the office—soups that need to simmer all day long. It is leisurely in a way I sometimes struggle to allow or accept, but I believe it’s the next logical stepping stone in allowing myself ease and luxury.

For the first time since my late teens, when I was first discovering my style outside the gaze of classmates, I am struggling again with my style, which is a strange place to be since it has been so consistent since I initially established it back then. I’ve lost a lot of weight and started working out more regularly than I ever have, and while I’m not seeing huge changes yet, I can envision it in a way I’ve never been able to before—it feels like a when, not an if. I find myself gravitating towards things I wouldn’t have dreamt of wearing a decade ago—leather halter tops and tube tops and corsets.

I’m establishing routines with more ease than I’ve ever been able to—still not quite as consistently as I’d like, but a far cry from what I used to be capable of, and that is something. That is everything.

It’s strange to feel somehow more like myself than I ever have and also like a stranger. I’m so excited to meet this developing version of me.

[cheshmenoor]

[midnightinshadow]

[starspun]

So one of my recent manifestations has been wanting my boyfriend to take better care of himself and maybe get more into style — not that he’s not well-groomed or anything now, he’s just a simple jeans and shirt kind of guy. He LIKES dressing up, he just doesn’t really explore style day to day, doesn’t wear accessories, anything like that.

I keep having this specific vision of him looking very stereotypically 80s/90s - high-waisted jeans, tucked in shirt, hair slightly longer and pushed back, wearing a watch.

So recently he was having blood sugar issues that - he thinks - affected his vision short term. It got suddenly noticeably worse. He only had to wear glasses for reading and suddenly he needed them all the time. I manifested that away and he’s better now lol but anyway, because he was wearing glasses all the time, he made some comment about “maybe I’ll finally be able to grow my hair out” because he gets it cut when it starts to touch his ears because it bothers him, but the temples of the glasses were keeping it from touching. It’s the shaggiest I’ve ever seen his hair get. I hate that that’s how it happened, but it was kind of funny, considering.

And then today, he got acknowledged at work (which is another manifestation! idk why it’s easier to manifest for him than myself 😂) for all the value he brings to the company (he’s also gotten two raises in the last year after not getting any meaningful ones in a number of years) and they gifted him—you can guess—a WATCH. A very nice one, too. I was like “are you gonna start wearing a watch again?” And he was like “I guess I have to!” 😂

Life is so funny and silly.

[out-andabout]

tumblr . out-andabout

[academic-vampire]

𝔯𝔢𝔫𝔢𝔴 & 𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔯𝔢𝔰𝔥

[starspun]

I’ve been thinking more about this guy I was in limerence with years ago - one of the first things he complimented about me was that I had a “modicum of respect for the English language”. We were both pretty verbose people.

I didn’t feel special back then. How unusual could I be? Never mind that that didn’t make sense because I felt uniquely wrong, but never uniquely right. I was a surprise to him, and in that somehow brief but everlong flirtation, he said as much multiple times, despite his reticence. Surprised I messaged first on a dating app as a woman, surprised by my love of language, surprised by my persistence about him. I was a surprise even to myself, then - he inspired feelings that made me braver.

Anyway, it’s funny - the older I’ve gotten, the more I feel like a singular creature. Rare. I work every day with people who seem to give a shit - who passive-aggressively complain about their coworkers not doing what they’re supposed to, leading me to think they care about compliance and doing things right, but then they constantly drop the ball themselves. No curiosity, no drive. I’m doing things in their database that none of them know how to do despite knowing it longer than me.

This sharpness has followed me my whole life - I used to play dumb so people wouldn’t think I was weird for how much I remembered about everything. I don’t have an eidetic memory or anything, but it’s better than most people’s regardless. I suppressed it for years in shame and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized what an asset it actually is. To remember details and context. To be a fast learner.

I look around now and I’m baffled by how few people actually seem all that alive and plugged in. They skim texts to the point that they don’t actually even see what’s being said - I understand being busy, but what’s the point of even doing the work if you’re half-assing all of it. If you’re not registering what’s being told to you or asked of you. It just seems like a form of madness.

And I think - if this is my experience at all the jobs I’ve had, it’s probably a common experience in general. And he must think of me a lot, if that’s the case.

How rare to meet someone so alive, so tuned in, so completely fixated on you. I think I’d think of someone like that forever

[starspun]

I noticed today that one of my longtime manifestations is coming true… a sharper jawline! I did lose weight (a separate manifestation), but even when I was thinner than this once before, my jawline wasn’t this defined. 🩷

[starspun]

I’m realizing how scared I’ve always been to claim things for myself and how much that impedes me having what I want.

Day in and day out at work, I feel like I can run circles around 90% of people. I remember more. I don’t usually need to be told something more than once or make the same mistake more than once to correct myself. And despite that, I struggle to claim my own competence, and I understand why in theory - stating it publicly or behaving as if you’re very competent could come off arrogant and I also fear that if I stand in my competence, then making mistakes after that is inexcusable - not true or logical, but there it is. But why am I afraid to claim these things fully even in the privacy of my own mind?

What would it hurt to accept fully, to know in my bones, that I am sharp and capable and vibrant and sexy and perceptive and beautiful and loved because I have worked purposefully to become those things? What am I so afraid of?

When I think of having my dreams, I immediately feel discomfort, even at the thought, and the reality is that it scares me to feel elevated. For my whole life, I have played dumb - pretended not to remember things so it wouldn’t freak people out how much I remembered about them. Couched things in “maybe” and “I think” even when I damn well know. Underestimated my own understanding and intelligence because I’m so afraid of being seen as wrong. I always defer to others, even when I know I’m right.

And that fear of elevation - of coming off smarter and sharper than other people - extends to everything. I’m afraid of money because of moral judgments that may be made about me for having a lot of it. That I am greedy. I used to think I was afraid of becoming greedy or evil if I suddenly had money, but now I think money just makes you more of who you truly are. And I think I was never really afraid it would change me, I was afraid of the optics.

I keep spinning around these themes lately - how I cling to this identity of being sharper than everyone else and I can’t tell if I developed it BECAUSE of constantly working with incompetent people or I developed it as a defensive mechanism and reality responds. It seems a little too weird that every place I’ve worked has had essentially the same dynamics - very little training, very little accountability, bosses overreacting with little understanding of the situation. I can’t help but feel like I’m creating that.

I’ve been trying to learn to relax. My bosses don’t often directly ask me to do anything. I help as I can, but I’m not going to overextend myself or put myself in positions where I can’t help because I lack information or access. So I’m taking it easy. I don’t have to feel so anxious and frantic and like a little kid that’s gonna get caught doing something wrong.

I am sharp and competent and capable and personable and people like me. I am beautiful and intelligent and fun to be around and sexy and interesting and thoughtful. I am allowed to be all those things - I am allowed to claim them fully in my head. I think that’s been a lot of the issue - I know I have all these great qualities in theory, but I don’t really internalize it. It doesn’t feel like part of my self-identity, so I never think from that place. I can think OF it, acknowledge it, have moments where I think “wow I AM xyz”, but the fact that it’s always a surprise to me makes me feel like it’s not an identity I claim, and that’s why I can’t manifest consistently the way I want to.

I’ve always liked affirmations, thought they felt good, but never truly felt them the way I needed to, and that’s why. It felt good, but often kind of empty. Saying these things now - I KNOW that they’re true in my gut, I simply just don’t have the practice thinking of myself that way and thinking from the perspective of that identity.

But what I’m doing is working. I have more proof of it all the time, the way I’m changing.

[starspun]

I spent so many years thinking “I don’t understand, I’m doing everything right, why can’t I manifest xyz?” And I was confused because I had a lot of success manifesting some things - “smaller” things.

But if I’m honest, the more I’ve looked at it the last couple years, I actually feel immediate discomfort when I even just imagine having the “big” things I want, and that’s probably the entire issue. That’s why we have to “feel it real” - so that it feels so organic and natural, there’s no discomfort or disbelief. It’s as if you already have it.

[starspun]

One of my ongoing manifestations is “receive highly specific compliments” - not things like “you’re so cute/pretty” or “I love your outfit”, but like “you have gorgeous skin!”, “I love your teeth!” etc.

One thing about me is that I’ve always loved eyebrows. Probably when I was 14 and I first noticed how nice celebrity women’s eyebrows looked, how groomed and pretty, I’ve wanted nice eyebrows so badly. Mine aren’t bad, but they’ve always been sort of wiry and while I have a decent amount of brow hair, it’s just sparse enough that shaping it has always been hard. I even tried getting them done professionally a couple times and was never happy with how they turned out so I just do them myself. I have an alright foundation, and I fill them in to make them look more defined. It works. I’ve thought about laminating them to get them more like I want, but it’s pretty expensive and doesn’t last super long for the price.

I’ve never really been complimented on them - they’re not anything special, so I get why. I think they suit my face well and add to the overall effect, so I’m fine with it.

I was with my boyfriend the other day in the hospital for surgery, not wearing a stitch or brow makeup, and the anesthesia nurse says, “you have the prettiest eyebrows!” I said thank you and then she asked if I got them laminated!!! That compliment made my whole week lol I’ve always brushed them up because I like how they look like that, and apparently I’ve trained them pretty well.

I feel like I’m on so much more of a roll recently with manifesting small stuff like that - like I’m finally feeling free and tapping into that energy. I get over things that upset me faster. I don’t dwell in my perceptions of negativity and unfairness.

I’ve always had a strong sense of justice, I’m very sensitive to hypocrisy and unfairness, but lately even when it happens (especially at work), I seem to be able to more easily tell myself “that doesn’t apply to me”, or “they’re a good person and they’ll think like I do about it” (re: authority figures).

It all just feels like stepping stones to inevitability at this point. In the last few months, I manifested an easy work from home job without even having to apply anywhere, which I used to envision a lot. I also used to envision that if I HAD a work from home job, I’d be more flexible and could spend more time at my boyfriend’s - take my stuff and work from there - and when he had surgery, I did. I spent the weekend, took my stuff to work Monday, then took Tuesday and Wednesday off with him. That’s the longest I think we’ve ever spent together consecutively and it was lovely. I often worried that I was infringing on his space, but those are old fears, and they’ll just need time and exposure to ease.

It’s all just closer stepping stones to my dream life.

[starspun]

I already basically get paid to do nothing—lots of people do, even higher paying positions—and yet I feel like it’s a fluke. I feel like I have to feign busyness so that no one “tells” on me. Not that I’m not happy to be helpful if asked, and I like to learn, but I fucking hate office politics and they kill my motivation, so I refuse to go out of my way to seek work.

If I already get paid to just sit all day and scroll TikTok or Pinterest, why couldn’t I get paid to sit at home? Or travel? Or do whatever I wanted? I clearly have a belief that to earn money requires “hard work”, despite that being such a subjective thing. Who defines what’s “hard”? It’s all relative.

I can absolutely get paid to just exist. Plenty of people do, so why not me?

[starspun]

Also lol that I now get paid to sit at home - with a job, but still. I didn’t apply for a WFH job. I complained in November about my job. I posted an Instagram story about my dream job being work from home data entry because I was tired of having to deal with my coworkers. Next thing I knew, we were told our owner had sold the business and within a week, we were being interviewed by the new owners. They asked my coworker and I on our interview if we would be opposed to working from home.

It was all a little turbulent at first - we were told no one would be losing their jobs by the old boss, and then two people did. My coworker in-office and I were put on probation, which was kind of pointless in my opinion, since they lifted it two weeks in and told us we would be staying on. And after we got into the thick of it, it’s ABUNDANTLY clear they needed the extra help. That being said: I do now work from home after passively entertaining the idea more and more over the last year. I sometimes really loathed working in office with those people - I hated feeling like I had to socialize and hide my disdain for them. I hated having to deal with other people’s gross hygiene—no one ever fucking cleaned. I was still sad about the loss of routine, and I had worked there with my grandma, so I really miss us getting to drive to work together and checking on her during the day or us getting lunch together, and working from home was weird at first, but it is such a relief to not feel “monitored” by coworkers anymore. If I have downtime, I can just do nothing and no one knows. I’m in my own clean house. I can take my breaks and nap on the couch. I don’t have to get out in the weather. It’s great. I have complaints about the job in general - mostly the lack of cohesion and communication of expectations - but I also haven’t gotten in trouble for not knowing things (which is a big fear I need to decondition) like I have at other places, so I can’t complain too much.

Again - so much of that is rooted around conditioning I have. The belief that I can’t have it all. Or that in order to have what I want, I have to also lose things. I genuinely was really sad and anxious about working from home because it wasn’t wholly my choice. I don’t like feeling caged. I felt like my little office home, my routine, my time with my grandma (that I had also wished for for years before it happened - its own manifestation) was being forcibly taken from me and I struggled with that, even if I do ultimately feel this situation suits me better and is also something I’ve sort of passively wished for for awhile now. I ultimately believe that conditioning is why I AM able to manifest things I want, but never fully and completely in the way I want them.

• I manifested working at the same place as my grandma, which was wonderful, but our coworkers were largely unbearable, I couldn’t stand the bullshit office politics and the lack of cleanliness.

• I finally manifested falling in love, I manifested meeting him at my first job after I entertained the idea (“wouldn’t it be so cool if I met someone this way?”), I manifested how he is sexually, and how he is as a partner - calm, stable, funny. We get on like a house on fire. And yet - he’s way older than I ever wanted or saw for myself, he lives an hour from me, and he has children. That’s actually what allowed me to fall in love, and I’ve known that from the jump - every man before him, I thought “what if this is the one?” and the anxiety of what that would do to my life—where would we live? Would we get married? Does he want kids? What about my grandma?—made me ruin it every time. With him, it was easy. I didn’t think about any of that because I didn’t see it as an option. I thought it would just be a good experience, and then boom, I fell in love, and it’s been nearly three years. And now I constantly circle how I want us to be closer, I want our lives to be more closely entwined, I want to feel like we’re partners, and I don’t know if I can have that. I manifested an amazing man with inbuilt barriers because that’s what my nervous system will allow.

• I manifested a WFH job, but I am still constantly on edge so far, terrified of messing up because there are no real explicit rules, and when there are, we’re not really being told them until after we’ve misstepped. I manifested a WFH job but I have a nervous system that isn’t comfortable yet with the idea of so little accountability. I feel like a kid getting caught in the cookie jar.

I’m sure there are more examples, but those are the strongest. The reality is that I don’t believe I can have it all, so even when I am manifesting what I want, scenarios I dreamt of, I do so with caveats. It’s all I know. I’m a high-strung, type A, little perfectionist who grew up with neglectful parents and has a complex now of feeling like I have to earn the right to even exist, earn the right to ease, earn the right to have everything I want. I will get there, I know. I think it’s little bites - like the job. I used to sit at work and think “I’m basically just being paid to be here”, and now it’s the same except “here” is home. I am basically being paid to be at home and do work as needed, which some days is frequently and some days is hardly any at all. That is a bridge to being paid to do nothing at all, and I will get there.

There are other bridges, for other desires—I simply have to find them.

[starspun]

Life is so silly and weird.

I’ve been thinking of my boyfriend looking different lately - he’s been having some blood sugar issues. Nothing super serious, but still. He needs to start eating better and making sure he keeps his weight down to keep it in check. So I was imagining him at his healthiest, thinner and full of vitality. Imagining him dressing differently and being more confident, coming into a new version of himself. I don’t know why, but I also imagined his hair being a little longer. I like his hair fine the way it is lol I don’t know if I was just constructing a whole new persona to imagine him healthier or what. I never said a word of any of that to him.

He recently started having to wear glasses more regularly (he assumes from the blood sugar problems because his vision has suddenly gotten a little worse) and he joked the other day about how wearing glasses all the time keeps his hair from touching his ears (which he hates and is why he keeps it cut short) so he may be able to grow it longer now. He’s never said anything about even WANTING to grow it longer before. He was like “do you like guys with longer hair?” I just laughed.

Then today, I saw a girl online who looked like a celebrity and - not for the first time - was like “I wish I knew what celebrity I look like. I wish someone would tell me.” People have told me some before but I never really see it - it’s usually just someone with the same hair and eye color. Anyway, this girl comments on one of my videos, I swear, like an hour later, and says “you look JUST like Liv Tyler!”. Which, again, I don’t see, but it is very weird that I had that thought and the turnaround time for it materializing was that fast.

[starspun]

I’m gonna just log this whole little manifestation, just for fun. Just to prove I can.

A guy flirted with me at work last week. He asked for my number. Before I even gave it to him, I “knew” he wouldn’t reach out, and faithful as ever to my assumptions, he hasn’t. But I decided a couple days ago that he will.

Today, our bookkeeper called and asked about his start date, and normally I wouldn’t have been the one to field that call, but our admin person was on the phone. I go up front to get the info for her, and while I’m still up there, this kid calls the admin person back because she’d called him a few minutes prior.

Tonight, I get a text from a random number that just says “hello 😍☺️”. It’s not him, it’s one of those weird spam texts where someone pretends they’re looking for someone else, but I NEVER get those. The last one was probably last year sometime. So the timing was weird, especially since I kept imagining a text from a number that’s not in my phone because I don’t have his number, and that’s just what I got.

Anyway, none of this has knocked me back. I’m more certain than ever that he will reach out to me.

[starspun]

So it only took 5 months, but he messaged me on Facebook to wish me a happy birthday. Flirted up a storm just like he did back then, and validated a lot of things I “knew” were true, but also I still had felt almost rejected by him never reaching out. In all reality, a lot of me didn’t want him to because I AM attracted to him, and that’s the first time that has happened since I’ve been in a relationship. I recognize that that’s just part of life - you don’t stop experiencing things like that just because you’re with someone, it’s just about how you handle it. I think because the feelings were so conflicting, it didn’t happen and I figured that was for the best.

He’s a little lovebomby—not surprising. But he recalled it all so vividly that I almost have to believe him. He said if my boyfriend messes up, I’d better give him a call. He asked me to a couple times. I brushed him off. I was like “who knows when that would be? You’ll for sure be snapped up by then” and he was basically like “I’ve turned down other people hoping I’d hear from you”, which is just… patently ridiculous. I said “you had my number” and he said he didn’t reach out because he didn’t want to be disrespectful to my relationship, which I had kind of figured could be the case. He basically said to reach out to him if I’m single, the ball is in my court, and he’d wait years for someone like me. That if he ever had a chance with me, he’s shooting shots.

He mentioned how he wished he’d left something at the office for an excuse to come back and see me and I asked if he ever found his badge—he’d lost it and came back a few minutes after he left looking for it. He said “tbh I had it the whole time, but I played that off pretty well, didn’t I?” And I KNEW it. I knew it then that he came back a couple times because of me.

It was just so validating. Back when it happened, it felt like a comet—so bright, then gone in a flash. He never reached out, and I wondered if I’d made the whole thing up. The click. Just old neglect wounds screaming. It was validating to know that it was exactly what I thought it was. That he’s thought about me. Validating even further that everything is just a reflection - everything I thought was true turned out to be.

I adore my boyfriend, and obviously I’m not going to do anything about any of this, but it’s a processing, I think, of old longings for something different. I love my boyfriend but I used to wish for very different things than what I got - doesn’t mean I love and appreciate them less, just makes it hard to shake sometimes. And this guy, in a lot of ways, is very similar to my boyfriend anyway. Same initials, same (pretty uncommon for men) favorite color, both live an hour from me and have kids, both incredibly similar personality-wise—which is probably why I clicked with him, honestly. It’s almost eerie. No matter how much you know it’s reflecting you, it doesn’t get less weird. It’s a different man in the same font - same limitations I have with the one I’m already with. I’m not sure yet what that’s reflecting about me other than an “I can’t have it all” mentality. And then he even mirrored that - with ZERO context on my relationship, he’s saying that I deserve someone who wants to build whatever I want to create in life - a new journey, a new house, a new way of living, a new format to making better money, a new route to a better job that lets me live to my fullest potential. Someone who would hear my desires and say “let’s do it”. Which is… something I have often thought with my boyfriend, wished he would do. He does, kind of. Has so many ideas, but similarly to me, lacks the initiative. The difference is that I lack the initiative because I’m both timid and lack the know-how, which freezes me—he has the balls and the knowledge, just not the time. I’ve often wished that wasn’t the case. That I did have someone I could build with - a home, a life, a business, even, maybe. Try, anyway.

And then in an even weirder synchronicity, I got a client at work the next day that had my first name, his last name. I don’t think it means anything, but it is kind of spooky.

[starspun]

Life is so weird. Despite knowing that it’s all a reflection, it’s still trippy when it reflects so instantly. My boyfriend is a big mirror for me, more so than almost anyone else I’ve ever known.

Once, within the first year of us dating, I had thought randomly about how I went to fish hatcheries sometimes growing up, and maybe that could be a cool date thing (and I still don’t know why because I don’t even like fish like that, but he enjoys fishing so I guess maybe that’s what made me think of it lol) and a few weeks later, we were just out cruising around the mountains where he lives and he said “oh, I have an idea where to go!” and when I asked where, he just said “you’ll see!” and pulls up at a fish hatchery.

A couple months ago, I had decided to order some new lingerie and start randomly surprising him with it sometimes, and we’re on the phone a couple days after me ordering it and he says something about me wearing a thong—except I didn’t own any at the time. I had JUST ordered some to surprise him with.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about how maybe this next month, I’d plan to give him a massage while I was at his house and was googling techniques and whether they had face cradles you could just put on your bed so you don’t have to turn your neck, whatever. The next weekend he comes to my house, he goes “and I’m really looking forward to that massage you said you were gonna give me tomorrow.” And I’m like “did I say that?!?” wondering if I let something slip without noticing? But I definitely didn’t, he just was being silly.

This weekend, I don’t know why, but I was thinking about how if I were famous and wanted to get away, I’d just make friends with random normal people that lived in BFE and hang out at their houses (my boyfriend lives in a tiny mountain town, which is why I had the thought, I guess). The next day, I put on this black off the shoulder top and some black jeans that I felt really gorgeous in and we went out to breakfast. When we got there, it was packed so we decided to try another place. We got back to the car and he always opens my door, except he didn’t notice which handle he was grabbing and opened the back door, so I teased him about being my chauffeur. We got to the next breakfast place and suddenly - out of NOWHERE - he’s teasing me about people taking pictures of me because they think I’m famous. It was like I plugged into the vibe of feeling famous and he sensed it? It was so bizarre.