There is absolutely no excuse for my behavior on the internet in the past. Which is why I have completely deleted those posts long ago. They make me sick to look at. Absolutely disgusted.
There is no excuse. None at all. I was acting a fool with likeminded people, and back then it made me feel like it was okay. It was NOT. I never did RP sexual situations with minors and I never would. The “persona” of myself was something that the onceler fandom did often and it normalized the idea for me that it was acceptable. A friend of mine made fanart for a stupid AU where sometimes I had this “persona” of myself but I never RP’d in it and I especially never RP’d anything lewd or sexual with children. This was still not okay. It was not acceptable to even discuss these things. It was wrong. Even making ANY sort of comment like this is NOT okay.
At the time, I was married to a man who was younger than I was. I was 24 and he was 21. For some reason, I had always attributed that to him being ‘a younger man’. When people called me out for liking, “younger guys” that is what I meant by that. I never EVER condone attraction to minors or children. EVER.
This does not erase the disgusting and filthy comments that I made that were accessible by minors. I apologize for anyone who had to see those things.
Back then, I thought the idea of “shota” or “anime” or “fetishizing teenagers” was just a kink and not a big deal. I realize that was disgusting, and wrong. I do not have sexual attraction to minors or children. I have never had sexual attraction to minors or children. What I was doing was playing in an internet fandom world that I didn’t realize was a problem. This was MY mistake. These were actions that I chose to make in the past and I am deeply disgusted by them and I apologize to anyone who had to see them.
As for recent comments made about Varian. The comment that I made about him being tied up by Cass had been intended to be a joke about him just excited to spend time with someone because he was lonely and mistaking it as affection. I had never intended for it to be sexual in nature whatsoever. The moment someone told me that it looked that way, I deleted it immediately.
When I DM’d the original poster, I never intended to attempt to manipulate them. I was explaining to her that there had been a shift in the mod team, also which I have given the server over to another admin as of weeks ago. - and that we were working towards eliminating the types of behavior that were making people uncomfortable. At the time, we were in the middle of many changes and complaints from multiple users and I was having a hard time keeping up. Every former member of our mod team, and all of my former friends are people I respect. They are not responsible for inappropriate comments that I may have made. I am.
I was glad to have been notified of the posts however because I was reminded to delete and remove the foul and disgusting behavior I made in the past. And yes, I make a point to address these things immediately because when someone accuses me of something, I want to give them the respect in an explanation and/or an apology.
Yes, seven years ago I posted vile things. I should have known better. There is no excuse. I cannot erase what I did back then, but I can apologize and own up to them. I have learned how disgusting and wrong those kinds of comments are, joking or not. It being a joke does not minimize the damage. It was never okay for me to say those things, or act that way. Ever. I am not that person anymore.
