⋆stinging hot showers ࣪ ˖
headcanon: read the cws!
cw: mentions of self harm, mentions of depression, no appetite, heavy angst, difficult topics, anxiety etc
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Toji isn’t exactly the most sensible guy, a man wearing countless scars and an attitude like no other. Not that he ever had a choice, growing up with his family wasn’t as easy as one might think, even the scar on his lips had he gotten thanks to them.
not that he cared - not anymore at least. Scars were part of his daily life, a routine even, as someone without cursed energy, growing up in a clan where cursed energy was the A and O, left him scarred enough. As rough as he was shaped during his adolescence, he still managed to love you like no other. Expressing himself of course, was one of the hardest parts of the entire relationship to him, though given the way he acted around you, you were fully aware that you are someone he holds close - someone special.
even so, he would have never guessed, what was about to come. To him, you were the snarky and loud-mouthed girl he fell for, the one that allowed him to shut down for a moment and breathe - the one that allowed him to feel scared of dying, during the risks of his job he faced daily.
and the one that helped him tone down his recklessness. To claim he was purely reckless would be rather offensive however, considering he was tactical, especially with opponents that could be a thorn in his eye.
either way, at first he barely even noticed you increasing wearing baggy pants, long pants. He registered so, one night where he surprisingly, got home on time and went to bed with you together. You, as someone who usually sleeps in a plain t-shirt and some panties, shorts if necessary - wearing actually pajamas was weird.
then again, tastes can change and he didn’t give it any further thought. Of course, what did throw him off was the sudden, excessive reduction of sex. Nonetheless, he respected your choice and simply excused the odd behavior with you being tired, being stressed and whatever could possibly strain you.
when he however found out, that the reason was much deeper than he originally thought, that you hurt yourself, he almost lost it.
You strolled out of the shower, a small towel wrapped around your curvy figure, hair still damp and your cheeks covered in a gentle flush. Not wasting any time, you already moved ahead, wanting to get dressed as soon as possible.
“hold on.” Toji called out, surprised you turned your head over your shoulder, before feeling your lips curve upwards instinctively.
“Your home already?” You asked, earning a grunt in response.
“Why the hell are you walking like that, doll?” He hummed roughly, pushing himself off the couch and approaching your smaller frame, hands immediately finding your hips.
his eyes trailed down your figure, stopping at your legs, to search the source of you walking like you got a stick up your ass. That certainly scared you, the previously lifted mood by his appearance, dropping all at once. “Fuck you mean I’m walking ‘off’?”
“If you want to fuck, just say so. Either way, let me get dried off first.” You snapped softly, crossing your arms over your chest, holding onto the towel.
“The hell kinda reaction is that? Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” He snorted, one hand reaching for the side of your face, taking a hold of your chin and forcefully titling your head upwards, to meet his gaze.
“I don’t wanna fuck.” He repeated, “let me check your legs. Something feels off.” Fuck him and his observation skills.
“No? I would know best, if something is up, and i’m telling you there’s nothing wrong. I am not gonna strip off my towel and expose myself to you just because you have a feeling.” You responded, nervously tapping your arm.
“Yeah, ‘just’ a feeling?” He scowled, before letting go of your chin, his eyes darting back down towards your legs, “if it’s just a damn feeling, why are you getting all nervy?” A pointed look darted at the mentioned habit.
“Oh my god, I just don’t wanna expose myself.”
His scowl only managed to deepen. You didn’t do this, didn’t hide yourself from him, but at the exact moment you shrunk into yourself, pressing your thighs together as if you were hiding something beneath that towel.
“Get dressed. I’ll take a look at it after dinner.” He dismissed you.
your heart sank. You tch’ed, feeling yourself get more and more defensive. “I’m not fucking showing you shit like this! Forget it, I’m not eating dinner with you either, if you’re gonna act like a dick.”
“What the hell are you bitching for, if you don’t got shit to hide?” He retorted, but you were already storming off into the shared bedroom, drying yourself off and getting dressed quickly.
A few minutes passed, and Toji decided to check up on you, despite you acting, unreasonable to him at least, like a bitch in his definition. Who pissed into your darn cereal this morning?
he sighed, pushing down the door handle and stepping inside, eyes immediately flickering to your figure - dressed in pajamas and snuggled under your blanket, long pants. “Jesus, just let me check your legs, woman.”
dropping down on the shared bed, the mattress dipping under his weight, as his hand moved to grab your legs, pulling your body towards his before you could voice a complaint. “I said no, are you dense-?”
His hands worked fast, efficiently moving towards your waistband, beginning to move them down softly - freezing upon seeing the first cut. His eyes stared, and in the moment of ‘weakness’, you snatched the waistband of your pants and pulled them back up your damn ass.
“what is that?” He asked firmly. You didn’t respond.
“(y/n), show me.” Your heart dropped for the up tenths time today, he never called you by your government name. It was always some stupid nickname: doll, baby, doll, dollface, hell, you’d even prefer him calling you woman than whatever this was.
“Show you what?” You feigned indifference.
“Stop playing. Don’t be cute.” His voice rough, wanting to confirm what he’d seen. His ears were ringing, and the unwell feeling churning in his abdomen just increased with the split second he got to see the apparent source of her weird way of walking earlier, and that nasty attitude he got ever since he was home.
“what if I don’t want to show you?” You asked, followed by a huff.
“Then, I’ll check myself. I don’t think you’d like that, neither do I. Im fucking tired of this crappy back and forth.” Now, he sounded rather insensitive - though all that was, due to his inability of expressing the intense worry and dare I say fear he was feeling.
he’d never even let the possibility of you hurting yourself be imagined.
You simply tch’ed, glaring daggers at your boyfriend before pulling down your pj-pants in one swing, keeping those thighs pressed together, not that that would do anything. The moment the material was finally removed, his eyes darted towards the several lines across your skin.
he froze, his body tense as he wasn’t even able to mutter anything, usually competing with you on who gets the last say. He felt sick to the stomach, eyes tracing the deep cuts that would most definitely scar, the split skin and dried blood. Some smaller, some deeper - he felt his jaw clench.
the grasp his hand held on your hip tightening painfully, before letting go entirely, hovering over the carvings in your skin. His thumb moving to gently brush over said scarring, stilling as he registered just how deep they were.
you were responsible for this. You did this to yourself. You hurt yourself. His lungs tightened, a sharp stinging sensation in his chest as his eyes flickered back up to your face - eyes that were fairly scared meeting his, before quickly flickering towards the ground, unable to meet his gaze.
“Are you fucking crazy?”
Your heart dropped. You didn’t know whether to feel insulted, to cry, either way you knew you wished to disappear. The way the question left his lips so calmly, while wearing a horrified look like that, drove you up the wall. It scared you.
and honestly? With all the feelings that just came back up, the hopelessness, the emptiness and the incapability of feeling things the right way and especially dealing with them. They get so overwhelming, they are so overwhelming, and especially in moments they do just as now, you’d reach for your eyebrow shaver without second-thought.
“what were you thinking?” He asked again, receiving no response.
“(y/n), why are there cuts all over your damn thigh? Explain it to me.” He said more harshly, panicking - yet keeping his voice cool and calm, which set you off even further. you just wanted to get rid of all of these feelings, of the constant worthlessness, of the constant ache in your chest, you don’t even know where it’s coming from. And most importantly, you wanna chase that high and the bliss following after hurting yourself.
the way your mind overflowing with thoughts and worries is suddenly wiped clean, the moment the blade tears through your skin. Even taking care of the aftermath feels sort of comforting to you, finally you can pretend that someone does care - even when there really is no one.“I don’t know.” You choked out.
“You don’t know-?” He snapped back, tearing his hands off her, as if afraid to cause further damage. He pressed his lips together, forcing them into a tight line so he wouldn’t raise his voice, wouldn’t hurt you more than you already were. “Don’t you have anything to say? What were you thinking?”
“If you wanna be mad and yell at me, go ahead. I get it.” Your mind too used to people yelling and getting upset, to getting mad at you, to consider him genuinely caring. The loud-mouthed woman he loved, was awfully quiet - not confident, but accepting, resigned.
“What the f-? I don’t fucking wanna yell at you, i wanna know why my girlfriend’s thighs are covered in cuts.” He sighed, clenching his fists, then unclenching them. “(y/n), why did you do that?”
“I don’t know.” You repeated, slower this time. It all came crashing down, your eyes had been watery ever since this conversation started, though the welled up tears finally beginning to escape, running down her cheeks. “I don’t know, Toji, just leave it.”
“Leave it? How the hell am I supposed to leave it. Im not leaving anything - not until I know what’s going on.” He said so sternly, itching to reach for you.
you sniffled. Your face grimacing - a pained grimace. Soft sobs followed close after as your hands instinctively moved to cover your face, “I really don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, Toji, I’m so sorry.”
you repeated those words, hell, probably for a minute or two while all Toji could do, was sit there, still. Until he moved forwards, pulling you into his warm embrace, arms wrapped around your smaller figure.
“Tch’, tell me when you feel like you need to hurt yourself. I don’t get it, I don’t understand shit, but what I do understand is that you must hate yourself a ton to hurt yourself like this.” He spoke, not done yet. “And you must be in a lot of pain. You call me whenever you feel like this, I'm not letting you out of my damn sight. And now, you’re gonna let me treat those wounds.”
you only hummed softly in response, burying your tearful face in the crock of his neck, moving your arms to wrap themselves around his neck, pulling him in.
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authors note: feel free to msg me suggestions of what I shld do next! I’m willing to write anything angsty, using fandoms such as jjk, mha, haikyuu, bsd etc, js text me and if I’m familiar w the fandom, I’ll most likely follow your request!
If you're struggling with sh, depression, anxiety etc, please make sure to reach out. I want you to know, that you are never alone and that as hopeless as times seem, a brighter time always awaits you, there are people who care and you genuinely deserve to feel good about yourself, you deserve to be the best version of yourself.