blin cat

wiwiwi

[stassisi]

this place is a miasma of words, here are the pieces I feel overjoyed to have been the one to write. Be wary that this is a cornball’s sodden diary, and you may get tired of hearing about “love”.

As a courtesy of context, my personal description exists somewhere between that of a boy lost in the yearnings for a better world, and a guy saving his heart for another, whose resonance is dear and true to his. // shout out Mahmoud Darwish

I hope u can enjoy some of these words, stranger friend :)

💬 0  🔁 3  ❤️ 17 · In your eyes I saw the light of my own. Your mouth said love in same odd way I do. I hope to meet you properly someday; w

Post by @stassisi

💬 0  🔁 7  ❤️ 11 · Though I write a lot, when I see her, I promise you, my throat will choke and my brain will seize. All that will be left

💬 2  🔁 0  ❤️ 1 · and today I imagined a scene: a wisened old man, with a bald spot he’d given up hiding, waved gently at me. I showed hi

💬 0  🔁 7  ❤️ 11 · Though I write a lot, when I see her, I promise you, my throat will choke and my brain will seize. All that will be left

💬 0  🔁 0  ❤️ 2 · He ran out of words to hide behind, leaning on hopes that his façade might distract her to his shallow self. He’d unsurely

💬 0  🔁 0  ❤️ 1 · oh dear God I saw a fraction of some girl, and when my mind filled in the gaps of her soul I was smitten

💬 2  🔁 0  ❤️ 1 · I drew a cat

oh and shoutout laufey, jon snow, and dennis ritchie

[stassisi]

had a thought humans are blessed to be surprised; it makes the moment much more precious have stakes. Someone in the crowd could be your husband/wife someday, isn’t that wonderful?

[stassisi]

in that sense, we are all immigrants; far from comfort, stranger in a strange land and desperate to succeed with or without help

[stassisi]

At times I do not believe in God, the doubt rests in a certain disdain for blind faith in anything; but when I remember my flaws, a certain part of me is glad for all my mistakes and shortcomings—that I may know and relate so thoroughly with others; You’re struggling with addiction? God gave me a pretty bad one, I’d be happy to console you because my boots are covered with mud from the same hell you’re stuck in

[stassisi]

Fernweh: the opposite of homesickness, a longing to travel; Because in every heart lies an optimism for what could be, elsewhere.

On every street corner sits an old man, your cousin by no more than 20 separations. On his neck bites a mosquito, your cousin by 20,000 separations. In every sky flies birds and every sea teems with relatives whose language you stopped speaking billions of years ago; some have yet to speak one.

Still, some languages were made long before Us and you still speak them. The furrow of your brow or warmth of your smile still carries weight in towns whose signs aren’t written for you. In your countless reunions you may convey much, scarce be heard. Yet in every faraway land where life still breathes, you will be Home.

If something resembling Heaven means anything to the common ancestor to all life, how joyful must it be, to see Home so teeming with children, engrossed in dancing to a tune nigh old as the stage itself;

[stassisi]

thus i plead to you

venture from cozy hearths

bear witness to this world

you’ll find parts

you never thought missing

[stassisi]

im not particularly good at certain activities like running or whatnot but i think if you’re going to be deluded once it has to be on game day

[stassisi]

when translating words from a partially known language, whole sentences are defined by their features of prominence, and the unknown parts become connective tissue whose meaning can become inferred; one issue lies in misunderstanding which belies a feature of prominence and which is grammatical glue

[stassisi]

there is a certain critical mass to language, understanding half or some constant suffices to understand enough of that language to deduce the rest

[stassisi]

dont commune with dead men, forgone as they are, communion will bring misery and hardship; let fatal conclusions proceed undisturbed lest ye stand to join them.

[stassisi]

throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack but pray tell oh soothsayer, will home be any better than the wolf pack?

[stassisi]

Fleur De Jenne - Me

At apparent these are knights guarding a hallway with a curtain beside. my world will never know, better that way; but ill share with you the true meaning of this painting. That fabric is no curtain but is instead a wedding dress, the red leaves are based on acanthus leaves, chosen as a french motif. The acanthus leaves are also used as a representation for the feathers of a fallen angel.

The knight staring at you (right) postures his chest as if deeply proud, his head tilts up with ego, yet his stance is hardly practiced, rather one of being nervous.

and If you zoom into the eyes of the knight staring at you, his eyes are teary; this is no nervousness. In fact, the knight staring at you is gripping his sword tightly as can be. He also has a dent in his armor where his heart could be.

To your left, stands another knight, composed in comparison to the previous knight. His eyes are dead, and his details fade into the darkness. He seems to hide no deeper meaning than as a reference, but remember the fabric? look at his foot and you see him stepping on the wedding dress as if to stop the wedding from proceeding. Notice his hand? relaxed in comparison to the knight on his right. He seems professional in stance, and unbothered in posture, but his feet betray a deep reluctance.

Back to the knight looking at you? notice his feet dont actually stop the bride.

Here is so far the meaning I intended and you are welcome to observe further. My own meaning with this piece pertains to a certain french girl who I couldn’t have, and though I gave her up—reluctantly, it pains me beyond imagination to see her with another guy. Part of me wants to grip a knife until my knuckles are hot and do everything in my capacity to make her mine. The other part of me knows why I let her go, and understands no matter how deep the pain for me is, if her happiness is to be prioritized, she belongs with him. Truly this painting is torture for me, but I needed this out of my system. The worst part is, it wasn’t even unrequited, I just couldn’t have her for reasons I may not discuss.

[stassisi]

Oh dearly departed I trouble you this

The hug I couldnt give

For a life we could have lived

so honestly I wish

We could fly to fiji in the morning

Sip out coconuts

Free from your parents and mine

And live once more

Yes I hope

A sign, so slight or move so bold

God I wish there was something

Every hour I wait for your notification

A little bit of me dies

But in you I can see its not dead yet,

Please lets just run away

Away from all the people that wouldnt let us be

Surely the want in your eyes are still mine, right?

Do those pupils still twinkle for me?

I can still see the battles we fought side by side in those beautiful star studded eyes of yours, I can still see my younger reflection, he’s been burned in it seems; I’m sorry my younger self was all you had to work with, and I know you’ve been alone all this time… I wish I could’ve been there to finish what I started. I made you fall in love with me when I knew less about love than my meaning to live; and still the unknown wasnt scary to me, because I thought you were the kindest smartest prettiest girl in the world, and no depth of any deep dark sea would be scary if I could hold your hand, and I will never let go of that memory. You made me the man I am today. You are still all that I find attractive, and I never even dated you; I was too young and heartbroken to realize my love for you was purer than arctic frostmelt, and more adoring and paternalistic than a 16 year old could possibly hope to understand. I would give everything to go back and do things right. If only I realized that you liked me enough for it to be enough to sacrifice everything. If only I felt myself worth the hassle I’d cause you. If only I could start again and meet you properly this time. I would be the gentleman you always wanted. We’d go on the dates you saw me take without you, you’d never be heartbroken by me again without my losing a finger of course. And I lied about the dignity part, I would still be the sobbing mess and emotional fuck, but I’d stifle it for you; but I trouble you this, I could never stifle it all for you. God if you let me this chance I wouldn’t ever ask for anything ever again, and were I to die the day after she became mine I swear to you this, my death will come easy and satisfied. And God if you send me to Heaven or Hell, I promise you this, that day with her will have be enough Heaven to last a thousand lifetimes, and any pain thereafter would be an acceptable due.

I wondered if that girl I left behind had died, it seemed she has. Fuck I hope I’m sick for your wedding. If I could restart saves, I’d have already restarted, this save is cooked.

[stassisi]

I further hate the idea of dating as a roulette hoping for marginally better outcomes and just settling with what you have at 26; I would nigh perish than let the perfect girl go

[stassisi]

I think a lot about different lives and different worlds these days. On one hand im a nerd at heart, unabashed and obsessed with everythingh—weird. On the other hand I hope to be a sociable extrovert. The second hand only came in a couple of years ago, and it coincided with more dread and anxiety than I’d grown up with. I dont think I was ever more lonely than when I realized most people weren’t as alone as I was. But as I went to more parties and made more friends, that dread subsided but soon I felt encompassed on my nerd hand, as if living double lives reduced the meaning in both.

Furthermore I began to notice, the romance I had in the nerd world was much more kind and interesting than the extrovert world which tended to much more passionate and territorial work. I further came upon a girl who I thought was fun and kind and sweet and gorgeous, and one day she blocked me and left without a word. I cant tell you why on that day it happened, but I couldve guessed it wouldve happened based on our prior history. She was musical like me, and had my tastes. Yet whenever it came up about family or personal history I had nothing to relate with her trauma about, I was like a blank statue that could only stare. I came to peace thinking we were slated to different paths and lived different lives part of different worlds no matter how similar in the moment we seemed, such is dating in your 20s

[stassisi]

and today I suffered deeply to find one of my long time friends had a boyfriend the whole time. I didn’t realize I liked her till the news sunk like a knife plunged cold into my heart, me bleeding as I slide to the floor and collapse. Her pleasant company had grown on me, and I’d long to see her like no other, but irresponsible was I to see further than that, to imagine a day we died as friends and awoke as lovers. Farewell to that day, I shall miss it too. I curse that I’d not known sooner. I curse that it shan’t be. I curse, most of all, that I let myself see such a sweet girl with the indignity of fancy; I hate this feeling of falling in line with the male frequent of befriending a girl with ulterior motives. I had no plan to, but ultimately I fell to those patterns I so detest. The part of me that fell with this news is clinging, and I can’t save him, but nonetheless his cries follow bleeding fingers picking at the cliff, and its excruciating to hear him. Hearing him makes me sadder still, to know I’m not ok with loving yet; to be, with my deepest regret, incomplete to form with my strive to protect and comfort. I pray to be not loved someday, but if I can demand, worthy of it.

[stassisi]

id like to see the world in someone’s eyes someday