I’m Still Alive!
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@stemsmypride-opensdoors-blog
I’m Still Alive!
but staying on hiatus
that is all
/yoooooo sorry I disappeared off the face of the earth over here! Let’s just say I’m on hiatus for a while, I have zero muse for any of my characters right now and I think I know why, but it’s weird XD
"You're scared of that, aren't you?" (@ the dragon boi)
Jon rolled his eyes. “Of course not,” he lied. His hands shook slightly, so they were shoved in his pockets. “I just don’t want to have to run laundry, and if I go out in /that/-” he gestured to the dounpour outside. “I’ll have to.”
stemsmypride-opensdoors
Jon looked at the ground. He knew he was clingy, and had been told more than once that he was prone to overreacting to things like this, and was a little embarrassed that it had come out at his friend like this. He couldn’t help being scared, but he figured that there was nothing to do that wouldn’t just end up hurting Ulysses.
“That’s all I need to know, I guess. You’re cool, Ulysses, and I… don’t hate having you as a friend.”
“You’re honestly the second person I’ve ever heard that from. There’s something there.” Ulysses wasn’t entirely sure how to put his feelings into words. Mostly because they were, well, kind of hazy. They had been for decades. It was like trying to stumble through a barely comprehensible language with no instructor.
“I’m gonna do the best I can as far as friend’s go, man. But, I can’t always promise to be one hundred percent on my game. I’m gonna miss days, We’re not gonna see each other for weeks. Just know that it’s never your fault and you’re always welcome to visit if it gets to be too much.”
Jon shrugged. “And I’ll do my best to be a good friend for you, too. I know how it is, though, and I’ll... try to not be an ass.” He let out a heavy sigh, before he straightened. “So, tell me about the headless wonder. Exactly how does that even work?”
I have run s o f a r , that I’ve lost m y s e l f And there are things I have s e e n that I ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ will tell. ( they drove me out of my mind and inside of myself. )
"No, no -- Go back to sleep."
"How long before the kids go to college and we have time for ourselves again?"
"My mum/dad died."
"Lose my job? I didn't lose it. It's not like, 'Whoops! Where'd my job go?' I QUIT."
"Drink up. Whiskey’s God’s way of letting us know he loves us and he wants us to be happy."
"Maybe we didn't raise him/her the way we should have. Maybe we went wrong somewhere."
"No, don't just say you're fine. Where's the doctor? Let me go speak to the doctor."
"Shush, it's fine. They won't hear us."
"I like your ass."
"What the hell have you been smoking?
"Do we need anything else, d'you think? Do we still have milk at home?"
"Do people really fall for that line?"
"Stop it. Stop crying. You're going to make me cry -- Goddamn it."
"Wait, did you just call me 'honey'? We just met."
"Sometimes I worry that you're just a really great dream."
"Fuck, I told you not to leave any hickeys."
"What are you smiling about?"
"Shouldn't you get that? What if it's important?"
"You're really killing the mood."
"What happened to 'we should never go to bed angry at each other'? Talk to me."
"Be careful when you let our baby sleep in our bed, okay? Don't crush him/her."
"I don't care what happens to be, don't you get it? I don't care if I live or die."
"Jesus Christ, take it easy next time. Look at these nail marks."
"You're so fucking immature, you know that? I don't know how I can stand you."
"It's not that I don't trust you, I don't trust him/her."
"I don't know whether to interpret that as a good thing, or a bad thing."
"I mean it. Just say the word, and I'll kill him."
"I told you I didn't want kids when we first got married! We're not negotiating my uterus."
"You broke my heart. Now you want to be 'friends'?"
"Come on, jump. I dare you."
"Zip me up."
"Tell me about your dream."
"Wake up. You don't want to sleep all night on the couch, do you? C'mon, come to bed."
"Stop talking."
"What? I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You know I hate the word mistress."
"I forgot my keys."
"You're scared of that, aren't you?" (@ the dragon boi)
Jon rolled his eyes. “Of course not,” he lied. His hands shook slightly, so they were shoved in his pockets. “I just don’t want to have to run laundry, and if I go out in /that/-” he gestured to the dounpour outside. “I’ll have to.”
stemsmypride-opensdoors
He turned on Ulysses and crossed his arms over his chest.
“I’m not mad at you, Ulysses. You’re my friend, and I’m glad you’re happy, I’m just so… fucking… tired.” He kneaded his forehead with a knuckle. “I’ve never had a guy stick with me more than a few months. I mean, I’m sure it was my fault, but it’s not like any of them put in any kind of effort to stick around. Mom dumped me once the horns came in and never came back. I don’t know what my problem is, Ulysses, but I know I’m… I’m /scared/. I don’t want to end up all alone.”
The flames were dimming now, though they still craxkled and hissed in the rain. “And I’m /going/ to end up all alone. There’s clearly something wrong with me that makes me not worth the effort for most people. I’m capable of… a lot of love, I think, I just don’t know how, and nobody has ever shown me.”
Ulysses took a steadying breath. Okay. There hadn’t been any throwing, he wasn’t on fire, he wasn’t flying into a tree and breaking his spine. So, questions were good.
“Jon, I am going to be honest with you here. I can be your friend. I can remain your friend. It’s within my power to do that and I plan to continue doing that. You can come visit me at the stables, you can have more friends with Erick and all. You are welcome to do that. But, like, I can’t show you how to love, man. I’m recovering from something pretty bad myself and I’m not really in a position to point someone else in the right way. The most I can do or say is that everything is going to be okay and that I’m going to remain your friend and try to support you.”
Jon looked at the ground. He knew he was clingy, and had been told more than once that he was prone to overreacting to things like this, and was a little embarrassed that it had come out at his friend like this. He couldn’t help being scared, but he figured that there was nothing to do that wouldn’t just end up hurting Ulysses.
“That’s all I need to know, I guess. You’re cool, Ulysses, and I... don’t hate having you as a friend.”
She laughed. “I can hardly give you a fighting lesson, sir!” She teased. “It’s no problem, Mr.Ingvar, honestly. It’s something I’m happy to do, and it will give us something to pass the time, at least.”
Ingvar seemed excited about the prospect of Lu teaching him to read, as evidenced by his unfaltering smile. “It meaning very much to me that you would help me learning it.” he said again. Though she did have a point- it would pass the time. And even if she could give him a fighting lesson, he’d not want to participate and employ such techniques. Ingvar was certainly not a fighter to the point he didn’t want to learn how to- or even to think about it, if he was being honest.
“I’ve never taught anyone to read before, actually. I’m not actually sure where we should start! I guess letters and letter sounds…” She mused, trailing off in thought.
It was a few hours later that she stopped. She was winded now, and leaned forwards with her hands on her knees. “I think that’s all I have in me today, sir,” she panted. “Would you please pick me up? I might be able to tell where we are if you do so, and maybe we can stop here for the night?”
Several hours later, they finally stopped. He’d worried they might never. That wasn’t too say he doubted Lu and her stamina, but that was an awfully long time to be on the move at one time, nevermind jogging as she had. Needless to say he was relieved for her sake now they’d stopped.
“I can.”
With her request he reluctantly reached down and lifted Lu into the air, fingers gingerly curling around her fragile frame and bringing her up. When she was off the ground, he placed her carefully atop his other, open hand, which he held level with his chest or so. Thus, she was 30 feet or so off the ground.
“Is this helping?” He asked softly. He hoped he’d not hurt her in any way by lifting her like that, but age had asked him to.
Being picked up by a giant was, frankly, terrifying. Her arm still ached, edpecially after running all day, but Ingvar was gentle with her, and she stood on his palm looking around.
“Absolutely! I think I know where we are- that waterfall that way marks the boundary line of the fourth division guardsmen. I was wprried that we were getting to close to the Troll Kingdom, but we can turn and move along that stream a ways and be safe. We could go over the mountain, too, but we would not have as good cover and you might be spotted.”
Looking where she described, Ingvar gave a nervous nod of understanding. “I think following the stream would be best, then.” He decided. “I-if that alright with you, of course, Miss Lu. Last thing we wanting is to be seen.” That was what they were doing, wasn’t it? Trying to keep moving and not be spotted? Granted, he felt awful that he stuck out so much. A giant was awfully hard to miss in most places. And yet here he was, running and hiding. Though to his credit, he’d lived thus long doing exactly that. Clearly he could hide with some degree of proficiency.
She nodded. “Sounds good, we’ll head downstream. There’s a village about a league from here, but that’s easy to avoid. The people in this area think the forest is haunted, so we shouldn’t have any issue.” She paused, thinking. “I... may need to stop by the village, though, if I can. I have some supplies, but I need different clothes and some food. It’s a few days out, do you think that will be okay?”
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
All the words are gonna bleed from me And I will think no more And the stains comin’ from my blood tell me “go back home”
She laughed. “I can hardly give you a fighting lesson, sir!” She teased. “It’s no problem, Mr.Ingvar, honestly. It’s something I’m happy to do, and it will give us something to pass the time, at least.”
Ingvar seemed excited about the prospect of Lu teaching him to read, as evidenced by his unfaltering smile. “It meaning very much to me that you would help me learning it.” he said again. Though she did have a point- it would pass the time. And even if she could give him a fighting lesson, he’d not want to participate and employ such techniques. Ingvar was certainly not a fighter to the point he didn’t want to learn how to- or even to think about it, if he was being honest.
“I’ve never taught anyone to read before, actually. I’m not actually sure where we should start! I guess letters and letter sounds…” She mused, trailing off in thought.
It was a few hours later that she stopped. She was winded now, and leaned forwards with her hands on her knees. “I think that’s all I have in me today, sir,” she panted. “Would you please pick me up? I might be able to tell where we are if you do so, and maybe we can stop here for the night?”
Several hours later, they finally stopped. He’d worried they might never. That wasn’t too say he doubted Lu and her stamina, but that was an awfully long time to be on the move at one time, nevermind jogging as she had. Needless to say he was relieved for her sake now they’d stopped.
“I can.”
With her request he reluctantly reached down and lifted Lu into the air, fingers gingerly curling around her fragile frame and bringing her up. When she was off the ground, he placed her carefully atop his other, open hand, which he held level with his chest or so. Thus, she was 30 feet or so off the ground.
“Is this helping?” He asked softly. He hoped he’d not hurt her in any way by lifting her like that, but age had asked him to.
Being picked up by a giant was, frankly, terrifying. Her arm still ached, edpecially after running all day, but Ingvar was gentle with her, and she stood on his palm looking around.
"Absolutely! I think I know where we are- that waterfall that way marks the boundary line of the fourth division guardsmen. I was wprried that we were getting to close to the Troll Kingdom, but we can turn and move along that stream a ways and be safe. We could go over the mountain, too, but we would not have as good cover and you might be spotted."
She laughed. “I can hardly give you a fighting lesson, sir!” She teased. “It’s no problem, Mr.Ingvar, honestly. It’s something I’m happy to do, and it will give us something to pass the time, at least.”
Ingvar seemed excited about the prospect of Lu teaching him to read, as evidenced by his unfaltering smile. “It meaning very much to me that you would help me learning it.” he said again. Though she did have a point- it would pass the time. And even if she could give him a fighting lesson, he’d not want to participate and employ such techniques. Ingvar was certainly not a fighter to the point he didn’t want to learn how to- or even to think about it, if he was being honest.
“I’ve never taught anyone to read before, actually. I’m not actually sure where we should start! I guess letters and letter sounds...” She mused, trailing off in thought.
It was a few hours later that she stopped. She was winded now, and leaned forwards with her hands on her knees. “I think that’s all I have in me today, sir,” she panted. “Would you please pick me up? I might be able to tell where we are if you do so, and maybe we can stop here for the night?”
“A reading lesson? I figured we could find some dusty ground and we can use sticks to draw big letters on the ground, would that be okay?” She asked.
“A…A reading lesson?” Ingvar asked with disbelief, a wide smile making its way onto his features. “W-Would you really do that?” That was so considerate of her. He’d not even thought of that, but here they were. “T-thank you, Miss Lu. That… very considerate of you to offer.”
She laughed. "I can hardly give you a fighting lesson, sir!" She teased. "It's no problem, Mr.Ingvar, honestly. It's something I'm happy to do, and it will give us something to pass the time, at least."
“If we stop before dark, I can give you a lesson, if you’d like,” she offered. “What do I like? Hmm…” it took a moment, which she felt was an embarrassingly long time to think for something she liked. “I like fighting, honestly. I like horses, dogs… I thought I liked being a knight, but lately that hasn’t been true.”
Ingvar had to admit, the fact she liked to fight was really rather concerning. Yet it was oddly fitting. But there was something else to what she’d said. He wanted to focus upon it for now.
“… Give me a lesson?” Ingvar questioned. What did she have that she wanted to teach him…? She seemed to be amazing at everything she did. “… A lesson about what, Miss Lu?”
"A reading lesson? I figured we could find some dusty ground and we can use sticks to draw big letters on the ground, would that be okay?" She asked.
"You're scared of that, aren't you?" (@ the dragon boi)
Jon rolled his eyes. “Of course not,” he lied. His hands shook slightly, so they were shoved in his pockets. “I just don’t want to have to run laundry, and if I go out in /that/-” he gestured to the dounpour outside. “I’ll have to.”
“Nah, you’ll see me about as much as any other time. You’re invited, by the way. No cake. He’s headless, I’m dead. We don’t eat. I mean, you can bring food. We’ll have stuff for people to eat and all that.” He waves a hand.
“I know when you’re upset.”
“Shut up, I’m not upset.” His flames flared briefly hotter. “I’m happy for you. I’m sure you’ll be an adorable creepy couple.” He did sound a little flat, though. Ulysses was supposed to be /his/ friend, how could he go and get married and leave him behind like this?
“That’s sweet you think you’ll keep coming around, though. I like the confidence. No, what’s going to happen is after a month or two, you’re going to start feeling bad for poor lonely Jon, and try and hook me up with someone, and when I refuse to take the bait, you’re going to dump me. It’s what always happens.”
Ulysses sighs heavily.
“Who hurt you so badly that you need to take it out on me, huh? Who turned you into someone who hates themselves that much that every time a person even takes a step in another direction you freak out and assume the worst? Because that’s what it is, right? Self loathing? I used to use it, I know what it looks like.”
He stuffs his hands back in his pockets and stares Jon down. Alright, if he was gonna get thrown, at least he was ready for it. “Who did it, Jon? Who convinced you that it was something that would happen? I’m not gonna hook you up with someone. I’m not gonna bait you into doing something you don’t want to do. I know that would be shitty. And if you want to be mad at me for something that I haven’t done or have said I wouldn’t do, go be mad. I’m still not gonna do it.”
He turned on Ulysses and crossed his arms over his chest.
“I’m not mad at you, Ulysses. You’re my friend, and I’m glad you’re happy, I’m just so… fucking… tired.” He kneaded his forehead with a knuckle. “I’ve never had a guy stick with me more than a few months. I mean, I’m sure it was my fault, but it’s not like any of them put in any kind of effort to stick around. Mom dumped me once the horns came in and never came back. I don’t know what my problem is, Ulysses, but I know I’m… I’m /scared/. I don’t want to end up all alone.”
The flames were dimming now, though they still craxkled and hissed in the rain. "And I'm /going/ to end up all alone. There's clearly something wrong with me that makes me not worth the effort for most people. I'm capable of... a lot of love, I think, I just don't know how, and nobody has ever shown me."
hurt meme.
“ i got you. it’s gonna be okay, you’re going to be okay.”
“i feel like everyone’s miles away from me.”
“my mind is a dark place. you don’t want to be there.”
“i know this hurts, but you have to stay awake.”
“don’t close your eyes, please don’t close your eyes!”
“i just want to be numb, i don’t want to feel anything.”
“please don’t do this, don’t act like you care.”
“you don’t care, nobody cares, just leave.”
“you’re my friend, of course i fucking care.”
“i can’t give up on you, so please don’t give up on yourself.”
“i love you so much, i forgot what hating myself felt like.”
“i fucked up, why do you not care?”
“i can’t walk, just go on without me.”
“you have broken ribs, take it easy.”
“i have no idea how to do cpr.”
“whose blood is that?”
“apply pressure to the wound, don’t let go.”
“don’t you dare fucking let go!”
“what the hell happened to you?”
“are they dead? did you kill them?”
“do you know what you’ve done?”
“you’re either with me or against me.”
“who the hell did this to you?”
“are you alright? you hit your head pretty hard…”
“i can’t see!! what’s happening to me?”
“when was the last time you ate?”
“what do you mean you’re fine? you are not fine!”
“i’m fine, it’s just a flesh wound, i’ll be okay.”
“for how long? how long were you bottling this up?“
“there’s so much blood, you won’t last.”
“are you… throwing up in there?”
“why aren’t you eating?”
“just breathe… you’re okay, i promise, just breathe.”
“i can’t breathe, i can’t –”
“i woke up, & you were gone.”
“just tell me something, was it really worth it?”
“it’s okay to hurt & breakdown. you don’t have to be strong all the time.”
"You're scared of that, aren't you?" (@ the dragon boi)
Jon rolled his eyes. “Of course not,” he lied. His hands shook slightly, so they were shoved in his pockets. “I just don’t want to have to run laundry, and if I go out in /that/-” he gestured to the dounpour outside. “I’ll have to.”
“Nah, you’ll see me about as much as any other time. You’re invited, by the way. No cake. He’s headless, I’m dead. We don’t eat. I mean, you can bring food. We’ll have stuff for people to eat and all that.” He waves a hand.
“I know when you’re upset.”
"Shut up, I'm not upset." His flames flared briefly hotter. "I'm happy for you. I'm sure you'll be an adorable creepy couple." He did sound a little flat, though. Ulysses was supposed to be /his/ friend, how could he go and get married and leave him behind like this?
"That's sweet you think you'll keep coming around, though. I like the confidence. No, what's going to happen is after a month or two, you're going to start feeling bad for poor lonely Jon, and try and hook me up with someone, and when I refuse to take the bait, you're going to dump me. It's what always happens."
She turned, still jogging, but backwards now. “I was just wondering. I mean, you can go so fast so quickly- you’re awfully patient, sir. It’s a great quality, one that we don’t see nearly enough of.” She smiled up at him before turning again.
Ingvar found himself smiling slightly. Of everything to be called, he’d never been considered patient. Never told so, anyways.
“Oh. Well… Thank you.” He said softly. “I… Wasn’t knowing I especially patient. B-but thank you anyways.”
The knight was glad to see him smile- he had a nice smile, but didn’t use it much.
“Talk with me while we travel? It’s awfully boring out here.”
“Of course.” Ingvar agreed. He still tried to keep his pace slow so she could keep up ahead like she wanted. “Um… W-What would you like to talk about, Miss Lu?”
“I don’t know, nothing serious?” She shrugged. “Where do you want to go? What do you like?”
“I not sure where I want to go.” Ingvar shrugged. “B-but… um… there plenty of things I really liking. I liking apples. It making me happy to find some. Same with flowers. And…. and I really liking stories. I’d like to learn how to read someday… s-somehow… ” deciding his answer was sufficient, he asked, “What do you like, Miss Lu?”
"If we stop before dark, I can give you a lesson, if you'd like," she offered. "What do I like? Hmm..." it took a moment, which she felt was an embarassingly long time to think for something she liked. "I like fighting, honestly. I like horses, dogs... I thought I liked being a knight, but lately that hasn't been true."
She turned, still jogging, but backwards now. “I was just wondering. I mean, you can go so fast so quickly- you’re awfully patient, sir. It’s a great quality, one that we don’t see nearly enough of.” She smiled up at him before turning again.
Ingvar found himself smiling slightly. Of everything to be called, he’d never been considered patient. Never told so, anyways.
“Oh. Well… Thank you.” He said softly. “I… Wasn’t knowing I especially patient. B-but thank you anyways.”
The knight was glad to see him smile- he had a nice smile, but didn’t use it much.
“Talk with me while we travel? It’s awfully boring out here.”
“Of course.” Ingvar agreed. He still tried to keep his pace slow so she could keep up ahead like she wanted. “Um… W-What would you like to talk about, Miss Lu?”
“I don’t know, nothing serious?” She shrugged. “Where do you want to go? What do you like?”