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tw: mentions of grief, loss, and some other negative feelings.
🌷 : today's song – interlude // aly remulla , emn’98ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
today, i woke up early. (around 6 am) the first thing i usually do fix my side of bed (i share a room bed with my mom) then after that, i go and prepare calamansi water :DD me and mom drink calamansi water every morning before breakfast. it has a lot of health benefits according to her in which i forgot, but since it has the potential to make you lose weight and i noticed that it improved my digestive system, i continued on drinking it.
ever since lola past away (just this year, may 29.) we've tried getting into healthier habits. my family were never all that sweet or that caring. especially my uncles and aunties to each other but i noticed that ever since uncle's wife came and helped arrange the funeral, her caring nature has rubbed on us. i love it : ) hehe. we now focus on taking care of grandpa. he even started eating an apple everyday for his health. we've learned a lot i guess. honestly though, i found myself getting back to my original unhealthy habits recently (but i swear, I am doing my best to counter it) and have gotten a bit more comfortable and happier even since she passed away. though i'm still blaming myself for her death due to some circumstances i am too lazy to elaborate. because of that, i avoid on wearing my headphones even though i comforts me and clears my mind. it's not a punishment for myself (maybe a bit) but mostly, it's just ’cause mom told me that if i noticed grandma was gone inside my room (i used to have a room of my own before. when the funeral was over, grandpa transferred into my room) earlier and maybe heard her fainting or struggling (in the bathroom. that's where she passed away.) if i wasn't wearing headphones, maybe she could've been saved. she had always told me to stop wearing it because i drift away from my reality. i am always in my head. she inflicted in me such a heavy feeling and i wish she considered that i was grieving too before saying that. it still hunts me and i feel as guilty as ever when i wear my headphones now. i've worn it about 3 times since she died (i used to wear it whenever i use my laptop) but i keep relapsing and going back to feeling guilty and blaming myself. one of my friends said i shouldn't be blaming me for things that are out of my control but i don't know, maybe it was in my control. maybe the reason as to why she visits my aunts and uncles in their dreams but do not visit me is because she could have been saved if it wasn't for me. damn.
anyways, lmao. sorry for the drama, after i drank calamansi water, i went outside for a walk and to buy breakfast. i had sinangag and egg with ma ling! :DD it was really good and i only had it because i just got my allowance this week. it's quite expensive, to eat it everyday. after breakfast, i watched a series in netflix for some time before preparing to go to school. my school ended already but since i am a part of the publication, i had to go for a meeting and a surprise training. it was fun, though my head was floating in space as i write it. there are so many things holding me back from actually achieving my real potential in writing that time. sometimes though, the shackles break and words just flow into me. I don't know when my head started to feel blank yet too filled at the same time. i think i have some time of ailment or maybe i just need to let myself go more.
after the training, a friend of mine came to school too to pay for her tuition in order to see her grades. the deliberation of grades for the second semester is today. i hugged her before going home. i chose to walk home to save money (because unfortunately, we aren't rich and we live in a third world country with a bunch of corrupt politicans who steal the Filipinos’ taxes aside from making them pay from a debt they didn't fucking cause. fuck you, Marcoses.) and on the way home, i bought siomai! yum.
i ate siomai and the dish my uncle cooked as lunch. then, i proceeded to sit in my desk (which is at my grandpa's room) and occupy myself. i tried to draw but i really do not have motivation and ended up fucking my anatomy practice. i settled to scrolling on tiktok and feeding myself dopamine until my timer ran out. i feel like a zombie most of the time because of social media, honestly. but tumblr's different. i rarely ever scroll on tumblr. i just use it as an open diary.
while in my desk, i thought a cat ate my chickens. i have pet chickens named jojo and benben. turns out, no one ate anything. a stray cat stumbled upon our house and followed my auntie (who first saw it) and gave it food. the stray cat isn't yet fully grown up and seems to be somebody else's pet because it's squeaky clean. it's also not agressive, and playful aside from that. my family members are speculating that it's grandma that came back for us because it just won't leave our house no matter what. i named the cat Saucy as a tribute to my other chicken, Suzie who passed away because a cat ate them :((
it's 6:41 pm right now so i cannot consider my day done yet. i wanted to read today but after frying my brain due to scrolling too much on social media, i lost my motivation and settled to feeling so low, empty, and aimless. i feel aimless most of the time. my potential is wasted, i do not know how to socialize, i feel so uncomfortable with myself. sigh. but i hope it'll get better. right now though, i am so tired.
i am so proud of my grades, though. or maybe not. i get it all the time. but i still want to gain people's admiration and my mom's praises. my average is 97 this semester and my overall average this grade according to my computation is 96. is that great enough for people to be blown away? i don't know. getting high grades is expected of me all the time. it's the only thing i'm literally good at and school is the only thing that makes me feel alive.
i don't know why this entry of mine turned very melodramatic but i definitely feel better after writing it all out like this. thanks internet for apps like these. it's the only thing you did great.ㅤ
right now, i'm hungry. so i guess i'll eat.ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
🩷ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
