STET

[stetlife]

I repeat to myself

I need to tell myself:

I am on a fixed income.

I need to stop saying disability. 

[stetlife]

work

I think of going back to work and making money.. when I worked I brought home $1000 more a week than I make all month. I think of the last place I freelanced, it’s a birds-eye-view of me at my desk working on a efficiency project....I can even see what I was wearing. I immediately go back to trying to drive into the jersey barrier in the blue mazda. These situations have nothing to do with another but I cannot separate the feelings. 

I know I can’t go back to work. I can’t breathe.   

[stetlife]

Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird.

Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

[stetlife]

[stetlife]

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[stetlife]

i’ve been thinking about your text messages, i’m probably the worst person to actually respond to them in a timely way… For me, there has never been a world without you in it and the idea that there could be frightens me to the bone. that world doesn’t make sense. it’s unimaginable. You are brave. you are important. you are so needed. i know your brain lies, sometimes tells you half truths.. but the actual truth is that you are one of the bravest people i know that decides every minute of the day to fight to make a life. it will get better, even when it doesn’t feel that way, please remember that your place in the world is deeper and more profound than you know. imagine all the people that you have made smile or laugh or love. you are in some of the happiest memories for so many people. you have so many more happy memories to make.   when things feel dark, remember there will always be light if you remember to just breath until the sun comes back up.

someone I love that wants to see me around a bit longer

[stetlife]

being a statistic

I’m watching Stand by Me….

the movie opens with a sad version of the song and a newspaper that notes that Chris Chambers, Atty, was killed in a fight in a restaurant while standing in line. He was 36. Later was fine out he was just breaking up the fight.

Throughout the movie we see his struggles with his own demons and his families’ demons and it is even implied that his future is going nowhere. By the end he decides to tough it out and work on a “life worth living” as every therapist, counselor, psychiatrist and other would say.

This “life worth living” lasted less than 36 years. Although I am sure he did many good things, if not for this path he would still be living. How do you make sense of that. It is a great plot twist knowing that charismatic and rarely emotional character turns into an achiever after he sees death and everything has suddenly rewired itself in his brain and actions have consequences.

But if he knew he would be dead at 36, would he have lived his life differently.

I know I will be gone well before I old age hits. Mental illness, although it has a stigma… sometimes you know in your heart that there is a statistic or two that is right. That you are in that percentile  So how do I choose to live my years?

[stetlife]

[stetlife]

Facebook my mom

Ode to my most non-romantic mate: "Don't Say" ..the Chainsmokers (From: Memories...DO Not Open) Dropping bombs in cups of coffee You said it hits you all at once I'm already tired and it's the morning Then you clear your throat Deep down I know that this is done You tell me you're sorry and I'm laughing You say sometimes these things just don't work out 'Cause you're only human, this shit happens Wait, I don't mean to stop you But darling, I have to cut you off Don't say, don't say you're human Don't say, don't say it's not your fault I won't take the bait or these excuses that you're using Don't say, don't say you're human Don't say, don't say Don't say, don't say Don't say you're human You say you've regret the way you acted Come on, admit you let me down Say that I'm better in your absence Go right ahead, say almost anything you want Just don't say, don't say you're human Don't say, don't say it's not your fault I won't take the bait or these excuses that you're using Don't say, don't say you're human Don't say, don't say Don't say, don't say Don't say you're human Don't say, don't say you're human Don't say, don't say it's not your fault I won't take the bait or these excuses that you're using Don't say, don't say you're human Just don't say, don't say you're human Don't say, don't say it's not your fault I won't take the bait or these excuses that you're using Don't say, don't say you're human, oh Don't say, don't say Don't say, don't say Don't say you're human No way, no way you're human

[stetlife]

"I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths Achilles and his gold Hercules and his gifts Spiderman's control And Batman with his fists And clearly I don't see myself upon that list ----But she said, where d'you wanna go? ----How much you wanna risk? ----I'm not looking for somebody ----With some superhuman gifts ----Some superhero ----Some fairytale bliss ----Just something I can turn to ----Somebody I can kiss I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Oh, I want something just like this I want something just like this I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths The testaments they told The moon and its eclipse And Superman unrolls A suit before he lifts But I'm not the kind of person that it fits She said, where d'you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody ----With some superhuman gifts ----Some superhero ----Some fairytale bliss ----Just something I can turn to ----Somebody I can miss I want something just like this I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Where d'you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts Some superhero Some fairytale bliss Just something I can turn to ----Somebody I can kiss I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this"

"Something Just Like This" (with Coldplay) ..the Chainsmokers (From: Memories...DO Not Open)

[stetlife]

Sigh...

It's raining today, but not in that good way. I keep thinking, mentally exhausted so I don't focus on the whole of my exhaustion. I am unsure if it is my problems or theirs; my fears or theirs; our fears perhaps, likely not. I used to sleep all day and not eat. My energy level is there but I have someone furry to take care of now and so it will be miles....

[thelovejournals]

We’ll survive, you and I.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, “More Than Just A House” (via wordsnquotes)

[thequotejournals]

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid I haven’t been alive enough.

Mr. Nobody (2009), Dir. Jaco Van Dormael (via wordsnquotes)

[stetlife]

“If I was not a dreamer, I would have achieved nothing.

Clint Eastwood

[stetlife]

IMPRINTS and Moonlight and Youth

Street light coming in and shining through the window. I am on the mattress on the floor.

You are on the floor, telling the people on the porch that I am asleep, everyone giggles because they heard us having sex. We are loud, in appropriate and have had sex in the bathroom there.

You are taking a smoke break. You are staying there, I am younger than you. You don’t live there long. Not much longer than our relationship.

You have imprinted on me. You understand me in this way no one else will. I understand you in a way no one will as well. There are many things we will never know about each other, but we are fine with that. Neither one pushes.

20 years later, we do not push. I chase you with letters for ten years. The internet for another ten. I am angry with you, I am in love with you. I hate you. I don’t understand you. I am your best friend. I am your worst enemy. I have no idea who I am to you. I do not know if I belong in your(my) life.

it feels wrong to not exist to you.

That night I cry. This is the first step for me after being drugged and raped in college. You are my first ‘good guy’. You put pressure on yourself.

I could never thank you enough for giving me a safe space in your arms that I will only feel one more time when I visit you at a cabin many many years later when we sleep next to each other in a twin bed. I am safe again for one night.

The moonlight and giggles come through the open window. It is a summer night. I am sweaty and mostly naked. You come back in and put your head on my stomach. My stomach is warm and and cold at the same time. I feel that your hair is sweaty. I start twisting it with my finger. You stare at the ceiling I am looking down at you. We lay there a while before I get dressed silently having a conversation about not wanting to leave each other.

Internally we knew it wouldn’t last at that age.

Maybe that’s why I tracked you through life. But it doesn’t make sense how our lives ended up. Me divorced, married unknowing your true feelings. You, now, in love with someone else.

I am few years away from running off to a beach and living the disabled life. Trying to take care of mind, body and soul. Something, maybe just my heart, thought your head would rest on my stomach again - maybe forever.

That damn imprint.

passion

[stetlife]

Green Light Passion

Passion-

It’s late, for me. I see now some of the things I’m missing as I drift off into my… better place. My family says I am getting better. I know that it isn’t better. I know they are seeing the side of me that they like. I maniac that makes them laugh, cry and stops them from worrying… stops me from worrying. There is no worrying in this world.

Even now, I have a pillow fort in my room (yes I live with my folks at 37) and I’m in my underwear and a tank top with my hair crazy, lotioned, cozy with fans blowing, and open window and curtain open (for the peeping tom’s out there) and the blankets over my head making a blanket tent. My own world.

I am always in my own world. Sometimes it’s a frustrating place, a sad place.. painful… but tonight I am listening to the Chainsmokers (explicit) loudly with wireless earbuds and danced around my room to grab my computer to talk about my observation….

Remember that passion? That passion you think you only have when you are young. When you just can’t stop kissing someone so fiercely that you want to devour each kiss? That you shutter at ever touch because everything feels so clear at that moment, your mind is just movement. Your thoughts are just touches.

I want that. I remember that. I have had that as an adult. I have imagined that again as an adult. I want that, again… soon.. now… yesterday…

I don’t think I will ever grow out of that - I don’t want to. I want to love deeply. I have, once. I held onto that,  hold onto that. Those feelings are to luxurious to let go off. They are dirty and blessed and incredible and I can still taste his kiss and his sweat. His confidence, my lack of confidence. His laugh and giggle. My sly smile, my eyes studying.

My desire to show him who he helped me become. His lack of confidence now. My need for that devouring kiss. That look into his amazing eyes. To see each other once more, just to see if we are still passion- to see if our life could be passion, could be changed, forever.

My nights, they are destroyed by debilitating mental illness. Lately a fog is lifting, it isn’t gone. But I am remembering laughing. I am building me, who I was when I was blond and confident and radiated.

2.0 me is starting to see my neglect. I have black hair now. Short for now. More tattoos. My eyes… they go on for miles if you want to look.

And I want someone to look. Love me for my perfection and imperfections. Not look at me as ill but as different. Because I am amazing.

I want passion, I am passion. I want fire, I am fire. I want to be adored because I should be. I want to be loved because I want to love.

I want to take a chance… check my worries and negative thinking at the door. Are you ready to check your luggage and spend nights kissing, sweating and laughing?

I’m ready.

Green Light Gatsby. Reference:

―Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that‘s no matter – to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther….And one fine morning –‖ (180, 182).

[stetlife]

DEAR PAST, GO FUCK YOURSELF.