Upshur Without a Paddle

The personal blog of Miles Upshur, independent journalist and professional pain in the ass.

[wayrider-blog]

where do the twins keep their cash 👀

[xlskling-blog]

[wayrider-blog]

👀👀👀👀👀

[stillgot8]

Things I didn’t want to think about: 1: Ass cleavers. 2. Poo money. 3. Smelling fecal matter moments before death.

[stillgot8]

Backseat Pickup Lines

[stillgot8]

His grin spread even wider. “Why my charming personality of course.” He leaned back and tried not to grimace as his arms dug uncomfortably into his back. “You look surprised, where you thinking something else? Something dirty perhaps?” Reyes was his favorite cop, as far as cops go. The man was too lenient with him. Miles could count on his hands the number of times he was just let off the hook, provided that number didn’t exceed eight. “I mean my dick is pretty impressive too, not gonna lie. Though I can’t just go whipping that out at coffee shops or bars. So personality it is.”

The best part about getting picked up by Reyes was that Miles got to trap the other man alone in a car with himself. That and the older man was loads of fun to tease. “Shit, it’s not illegal to have this conversation is it? I should have brushed up on my backseat commentary laws. I mean I know they say “everything you say can and will be used against you,” but I highly doubt they’ll pull out a nice vibrator if I say it enough times.” It wouldn’t be really against me either since I wouldn’t complain.

[ghcstfucker-blog]

As soon as the man started even insinuating so flagrantly, Reyes had already half a mind on flexing and tightening his fingers around the steering wheel, clenching down on them as his eyes widened with horror. Was it horror? He sure felt shocked, that was no lie, maybe a little dirty even from having to listen to him speak so nonchalantly about- Well, his dick.

Sure, the numerous times he’d picked the journalist up before had him hinting at raunchy topics, but never as severe as this. Never outright saying it anyway.

“A-Alright- Alright-” His voice was hoarse, the lump in his throat swallowed right before speaking had left him with raspy vocals. His once skeptical look turned into a frown, his dark cheeks luckily hiding most of the blush. But Reyes could still feel the heat covering most of his face, making the tips of his ears and even his neck radiate warmth- and as alarming as it was to be the one flustered, he mostly just felt annoyed.

“I’d gag you, but I’m pretty sure you’d be into that.” This time the sheriff merely grumbled his words, seeing the lights from the town come into view. At last, salvation.

[stillgot8]

“Only if you’re the one gagging me, obviously.” He could tell that Reyes was getting more than agitated by their topic of conversation. Which was always fun. He ruined his night of recording so it was only fair. If he made him a little uncomfortable than it was a win in his book.

Damn it, the town was coming in fast. It seemed like these rides were getting shorter and shorter. He sighed and looked out the window. He could see his reflection in the glass and noticed the small trickle of blood, it should have stopped ages ago but maybe he was playing human harder this night.

“You know something, Reyes?” He grinned again, always full of smiles. Gotta do something to keep spirits up. “I like my men like I like my stories. Big, complex, and full of surprises.”

[stillgot8]

Backseat Pickup Lines

@ghcstfucker

A continuation of this

Miles’ face slammed against the front-seat without warning. Shit did we hit something? “Fuck,” he mumbled and righted himself. He licked his lip and tasted blood. When he glanced up he saw that Reyes was grinning slightly. So we didn’t hit anything. “Alright, so I may have deserved that one.”

He checked himself out in the mirror, from what he could see he’d have a lovely bruise on his forehead and his nose was bleeding, but nothing worth getting upset over. “Hey, next time you slam on the breaks think about the precious cargo you’re carrying.” When Reyes didn’t saying anything he clarified, “That precious cargo is my face.” He laughed even though blood was still sluggishly trickling down his face. “Independent Journalist isn’t exactly a title that attracts men to my bed, my face is one of two important assets I possess.” 

[ghcstfucker-blog]

Even with his eyes back on the road ahead, he could still clearly hear the smile he wore as he spoke. A little bit of payback for making him drive out into the middle of who-the-fuck-even-knows-where, and pick the sorry excuse for a reporter off of a fence. At least his night wasn’t uneventful.

Reyes cocked a brow and threw a skeptical look back at the man in cuffs through his rear-view mirror, lips pressed into a hard thin line. Last thing he wanted to do right now while driving down an ill lid road, was imagine Upshur trying to get into someone’s pants, or even worse, trying to dirty talk his way into someone’s bed and actually scoring a hole-in-one.

He swallowed and tightened his grip on the wheel but remained looking unfazed through it all. “Right, lets say you don’t actually accomplish such, what’s number two?” Did he really want to know? If this involved even the slightest lewd indications he was turning this car around and driving straight into the nearest cornfield.

[stillgot8]

His grin spread even wider. “Why my charming personality of course.” He leaned back and tried not to grimace as his arms dug uncomfortably into his back. “You look surprised, where you thinking something else? Something dirty perhaps?” Reyes was his favorite cop, as far as cops go. The man was too lenient with him. Miles could count on his hands the number of times he was just let off the hook, provided that number didn’t exceed eight. “I mean my dick is pretty impressive too, not gonna lie. Though I can’t just go whipping that out at coffee shops or bars. So personality it is.”

The best part about getting picked up by Reyes was that Miles got to trap the other man alone in a car with himself. That and the older man was loads of fun to tease. “Shit, it’s not illegal to have this conversation is it? I should have brushed up on my backseat commentary laws. I mean I know they say “everything you say can and will be used against you,” but I highly doubt they’ll pull out a nice vibrator if I say it enough times.” It wouldn’t be really against me either since I wouldn’t complain.

[stillgot8]

Backseat Pickup Lines

@ghcstfucker

A continuation of this

Miles’ face slammed against the front-seat without warning. Shit did we hit something? “Fuck,” he mumbled and righted himself. He licked his lip and tasted blood. When he glanced up he saw that Reyes was grinning slightly. So we didn’t hit anything. “Alright, so I may have deserved that one.”

He checked himself out in the mirror, from what he could see he’d have a lovely bruise on his forehead and his nose was bleeding, but nothing worth getting upset over. “Hey, next time you slam on the breaks think about the precious cargo you’re carrying.” When Reyes didn’t saying anything he clarified, “That precious cargo is my face.” He laughed even though blood was still sluggishly trickling down his face. “Independent Journalist isn’t exactly a title that attracts men to my bed, my face is one of two important assets I possess.” 

[ghcstfuckermoved-blog]

Miles moved quietly through the woods. It was dark and he his sight was aided by a sliver of moon and his trusty camcorder. This was night five of his investigation. Technically the land adjacent to his target was private property, but he doubted the cows would tell. He was just about to hop a fence to get closer when a bright light hit his eyes. "Shit, cops," He swore softly. Miles turned to face the other man, he had a camera full of evidence, a brain full of stupid and mouth full of sass.

Of course. He should’ve fucking guessed from the phone call alone.

When he responded to the distressed voice of an old lady, telling him her ‘darling puppies’ were upset by a noise outside- of course he had to remain composed, try not to sigh too loudly or too annoyed. He assured the woman (and her little hell spawn dogs) that he’d check out the surrounding territory, being the law abiding, good-natured cop that he was.. Sigh.

Upon arrival did Reyes figure out why here, and why now. This was another large conglomerate corporation’s land, or close to it anyway. Nothing around them but farming fields and livestock, most of the building having been underground.

He was greeted with the occasional ‘moo’ as he stepped out the police car and made his way along the fence. The sound of metal hitting metal was what drew him closer. It wasn’t much later when he finally found what he was looking for. Taking the flashlight from his belt, he shone it right into the man’s face, right as he’d climbed midway over a medium height metal fence.

“You wanna explain exactly what you think you’re doing?” With a gruff voice he spoke, sounding tired, like he needed a month to sleep off the fact he had to deal with another one of this guy’s shenanigans. He could be home right now, out of the icy January air and inside a warm bed.

“Well, Upshur?”

[stillgot8]

“Fancy meeting you here, officer,” He added the last part as an attempt at formalities. Miles removed his feet from the fence and hopped down. “Now, I can assure you that I have very good reasons to be here, and I won’t be causing any trouble.” The wind blew softly and the night was deathly quiet. The cop still hadn’t lowered his flashlight. “Hey, uh, you mind? That light is hell on the eyes.” He waited for the officer to say something, anything. The silence was eating at him. “I know we uh, met before. I swear I’m not some punk kid, I have a reason. I can’t…aw hell this will sound sketchy as fuck, but…I can’t tell you the whole story, you just gotta believe me.” Miles held up his hands. “I’m not armed, all I have is this camera. I’m not here to cause trouble…” He smirked. “Unless you want me to.”

[wayrider-blog]

“Win my heart with doggystyle.”

[stillgot8]

Sorry I’m not into bestiality pup.

[wayrider-blog]

“All I want for Christmas is dick…”

[wayrider-blog]

“I’m still waiting……………………………”

[stillgot8]

I’ll eat those cookies but you aren’t a high enough level to get the D from me.

[stillgot8]

-Under Construction- ((I’m thinking about turning this into an RP blog.))

[stillgot8]

So, it turns out following leads from strange emails isn't always the smartest move. Especially when those leads have you infiltrate a hospital for the criminally insane. If I can even call this place a hospital. Mount Massive Asylum is hell on Earth, and I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. There are so many dead bodies.

[stillgot8]

Just got a lead on a possible story. If I'm right, this is going to be big.