exquiste chaos blooming in cacophony @stitchingfragments-blog - Tumblr Blog

I wonder

If I stood outside in the storm With a golf club If I could get hit by lightning. And die. He cheated.

Doctor

Ah, I'd forgotten this this feeling that burrows, inadequacy that opens veins and claws through every capillary, infects me, parasitic, excruciating until it has filled me, then content to settle into an ache that stays, an autoimmune disease, my heart attacking my body, my defenses. Over time it will become part of me-- a pain I can count on that I will be sure never to forget, lest I allow myself to dream of a healed life, a whole soul. I will inject this poison forever, never seeking antidote. It is the antidote which will kill me.

Life spew

Sometimes you just gotta push people away in order to get along, and sometimes that means one or the other of us will have to miss out on something to make things go smoothly for our family. It is working well for us to not be around each other, or to do so in extremely limited quantity. We haven't argued in a week, maybe more? I've really gotten to enjoy the kids. It's just a nice calm transactional thing we've achieved. I can dig it; it's predictable. I like that. I'm not sure he gets it really. Tonight he tried to pressure me into this family vacation. 8 days in the car then a hotel then an amusement park with him. No work. No break. No way to put physical barriers between us. Nowhere to go to get away. My god, the idea of being in that situation makes my anxiety go berserk. He thinks it'd be such a great way to rekindle things but I will be so on damn edge that I will turn everything into a reason to melt down, which will just make him angry and when you're in a damn hotel there's nowhere to argue that's NOT in front of the kids. Then he gets all exasperated and tells me he's not going to try to talk me into going any more. I'm just sitting here like "sweet cause I wasn't going to begin with and I didn't want you to try to talk me into it. I wanted you to hear my opinion and freaking respect it." Maybe in a few years, if things get better. But the relationship has been fragile at best since the start so I'm not sure I'd hold my breath for any "togetherness" for awhile. Hell, at this point I'm limiting any cuddle time we have with one another. Most nights I can get away with not cuddling at all bc he will work late and I'll try to be asleep before he gets home. But when we do cuddle, it's a maximum of ten minutes. That is as much human contact as I can handle. Sex is stupid. I don't let him touch my butt any more since he felt like it was funny to make fun of it. So, we don't touch, we only talk about the essentials (kids, bills, what we need from the grocery), and "fluff" (I will not tell him what I'm feeling and he will spare me his thoughts... we talk about safe subjects--cute animals and nothing with the potential to blow up). Each of us lives as we like. I can't nag him, he can't belittle me. It's not happiness, but it's better than misery. Occasionally I wish for passion and excitement, but then I remember I've never had that because I'm not one of the people who gets that out of life. Then, I'm just grateful for consistency.

Gah!

I'm gonna just scream!

ashleymacleanblog

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF FEELING THE WAY THAT I DO.

if you can relate, I’m sorry (via confessing-emotions)

Body issues

Cause if my already existing body issues aren't already enough, tonight he decides to make a joke about my ass (or lack thereof). Ok. I see you. How bout now you just don't touch the area where my ass is supposed to be until I feel comfortable in my own skin again. I swear to everything holy if he EVER tries to say another word about my body--good or bad--I will blow up. MY.BODY. Access denied.

Things lately

Work is rough. This project is kicking my ass. I cannot wait for it to be done. Burlesque is rough. We are doing a nerdlesque and I have literally no idea what to do! Voice is getting better. My last audition was a good one, and though I didn't get cast (there were literally only two adult female roles in the show), I know for a fact it's because the director wanted his bff in that role--that he precast her there--and he had to fight for her with the music director. So now I have a mostly free summer to enjoy with my kids. And that is going to be amazing. 31 days til we're on the road to Disney.

I am murderously angry right now

And it's completely unreasonable but that does not stop my rage.

Artistic types

Are ALL artistic types this hard to work with? No. I'd guess probably not. I'm an artistic type and I don't. I do what I say I'm going to do, I don't vaguebook about anyone in the troupe, I give people room to make mistakes and learn. Jesus H. This constant neediness is going to drive me right over the edge. I should not have to hold the hand of a grown adult, nor should I have to deal with social media pettiness. I SHOULD be able to trust that as an adult, if you have a problem with something I did, you talk to me about it. And if I've fucked up, you let me apologize, do what I can to fix it and then move on. I get that I've been given an established platform to create and produce, and I'm grateful for that but I'm not kissing anyone's ass to keep doing it. Nor am I going to listen to a grown adult complain to me about how others are acting towards him when he won't do a damn thing to fix the situation! I can create my own opportunities. The amount of insecurity is just staggering. I have so much thinking to do. How do i create a body positive, celebratory, inclusive space on my own?

This is going to be weird and meandering

My friend tried to commit suicide this week. She was found, in time, and has since been released from a crisis center with meds and therapy (and insurance for such therapy). And it weighed so heavy on me when her mom told me what happened. But in the back of my head, I was simultaneously jealous, and smug. I was jealous because the days when I hope not to wake in the morning are frequent--an easy majority. I wish I had the nerve to follow through with it. And at least she had the balls to try. On the other hand, I think that, if I ever do get the opportunity and the will to chase this desire, there will be no trip to the hospital for charcoal. When I do it, I'd do it right. For example--I'd never do it at home for my kids or my family to find me. What a horrible thing that would be. No. I'd never let them be haunted by that memory. And I wouldn't be in the kind of social relationships where people would consider contacting me if they hadn't heard from me. I'd ghost on everyone for a couple of solid months first. This means when I do go to the middle of nowhere to do it... nobody's missing me and nobody is looking for me. And finally, I'd pay good money for an overdose. Sigh. I'm glad she's ok. I would have been devastated if she'd died. The world needs her too much.

Dear universe: stahhhhp

Someone stole my debit card info and drained my account. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I fucked up my audition. My family and i could REALLY use a break, please.

Starting to obsess

I have an audition tomorrow. I'm not right for either female part in the show, but my vocal coach is the music director and he wants me to audition as much as I can to get over my nerves. But I don't want to embarrass him. Blah. Back to my music.

Ladies and gentlemen today's lesson is

It's easier not to have friendships or people to whom you get close. It will save you infinite amounts of heartache to maintain a network of acquaintances.

Back on track

After a couple days of bad eating habits. And Facebook is all: Crab Rangoon recipe Lemon bread loaf recipe Fried rice recipe Donuts Red wine hot chocolate French fries Fuck my life

Choreographing

A group act in honor of my terminally ill burly-q sister. We're going to make her proud.

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exquiste chaos blooming in cacophony