m. @stokedongettingpumped - Tumblr Blog

not guilty

Couldn’t sleep last night, woke up before 5:30 am this morning with the worst cramps. After much debate I decided to not go to the gym, even though I promised myself I would - but instead, get up, make coffee and breakfast, and study.

It’s tough training yourself not to feel guilty about these things. But it’s fine. Last week I burnt out and was sick by Friday so taking a little time for myself it necessary.

It’s about finding balance, I’m just way behind the rest of y’all.

Welp... My parents are here. And I’ve been indulging like a crazy person and not working out at all.

It’ll happen.

I can and will do this.

Gg USA

Dare I say it?

I feel insufficient as a partner, as a girlfriend. For many reasons.

I’ve never felt a crazy urge to have sex all the time. I feel attraction to others often... sexual attraction. But I more so crave intimacy. I need way more than just wham bam... WAY MORE. I am very much in my head all the time so I guess that could explain why sexuality is more of a mental thing for me. I find that in all of my relationships I don’t end up wanting it as much as the other half does. That’s normal, right? Perhaps it’s that the relationships I’ve been in just haven’t been sexually stimulating in the way that I need them to, perhaps it’s all me and my libido is just non-existent. I don’t know. I do know that my medication does affect my libido to some extent... and I’ve tried to go off, but that just hasn’t worked.

Once again I feel like I’m with someone I love very much and a lack of sexual connection will break us. And it’ll be my fault. I feel that this is my problem. I’m the common denominator, so it must be me. It’s a very tough topic for me to talk about with my partner as well. It’s uncomfortable and always brings up resentment and defensiveness. Sex is supposed to be the easy part of a relationship isn’t it? It’s the other stuff that should be hard. Sex... just put the thing in the hole, simple as that. No? I think about it constantly now... how I’m inadequate, irregular. And the more I think about it, the more it goes on, the further I feel from being able to help myself, understand it and resolve the issue.

I’m also feeling the overall effects of the weather here in Vancouver. That’s totally normal... no one can tell me they don’t feel it! Anyway, I’m feeling depressed and to my partner, who has NO idea what that feels like, I’m sure it’s just awful. I’m irritable, stressed and on the verge of tears too often for my liking. He’s so happy and easy going. It must be so hard for him to cope with something he doesn’t understand. And what a bummer to be surrounded by that all the time? I should just let him be happy. He’s so sweet and supportive, but I can’t help but feel that he’s holding back true feelings of annoyance. He must be fed up. I am!

It’s just been a few serious days of digging this mental hole and I’m becoming obsessive. Not a good sign.

I know this is super dark and depressing but that’s why I’m here. I need to get this out so it doesn’t just fester in my head. My fingers were burning. Regardless, it has been very difficult on me. I feel like a failure and as though it’d just be better off if I was alone. I’d have no one to disappoint. I’m not sure how to get out of this cycle, but hopefully this is the worst of it.

***To end of a positive note, I did the entire workout with legit kipping pull-ups today instead of using a modification. So... there’s that!

#depression #sex #relationships #self love

Day 1 back on the grind. Stayed home from school yesterday partly because of a headache but mostly because of my mental health. Isn’t it lovely? You don’t want to leave the house due to a mental illness but the guilt of not doing anything productive only makes you feel worse. It’s fine... it’s part of the cycle. A cycle that I am very familiar with and know I can handle. I get myself out of this.

So today I’m logging on MFP again. And I’ll be attending a spin class in the evening. The fact that I don’t have tasty treats to look forward to might make this afternoon a tough one, but it’s nothing I haven’t done before.

We have one class this afternoon that is strictly review. Usually a great thing.. but not this time. We have review for 4 weeks straight before our exams. Who needs that much?!? Classes are over 3 hours long... so I pretty much just hang around the classroom doing nothing for that amount of time. I can’t even study other things because it’s a hands-on class and the teacher is kind of jerky. Ah well... my plan is to stay at school between class and spin to study so I might as well stay for the afternoon. Good luck, me.

Rain, Rain, Whatever :)

Damn, folks. The winter sads are real. So here we are again... so I don’t go insane. I’m gunna occasionally write these silly little things and post them on the internet for no one to see because perhaps it’ll help!

Little update... in January 2016 I started a program to become an RMT in BC Canada and I’m just over half-way there. I will write boards in October 2017. The program itself has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but I certainly hope that I’ve found something I can do for a long time.

Relationship with J is still a thing. It’s good. Not great, but good and he is a true sweetheart. We still live together (we moved in with each other and roommates out of necessity) and he still has his two pups - Frank and Dee. Little terrors! I, unfortunately, no longer have my dear Mac (love of my life). The ex still has him and always will which breaks my heart. We talk, but not often at all. We’re cordial and there is still a spot in my heart for what was.

I’ve recently returned to the gym after 8 months of little to no exercise and gaining a bunch of weight. I’ve never been this heavy. It’s shit. I did lose about 5lbs and did a good job at sticking to a plan for about 6 weeks but I’ve definitely fallen off the wagon once again.

So here’s to surviving the winter rain and being happy!

art-tension

A night on Earth – Some trully amazing photographs of Earth seen from

A series of beautiful and impressive photographs from NASA, which reveals the nocturnal beauty of the Earth seen from space. Some stunning images of our planet in which we can distinguish cities and landscapes, taken over Europe, Japan, Madagascar, the United States or South America. The high definition photographs are edited using different techniques, allowing among other a vertical exaggeration of the relief based on a digital terrain model.

Source:ufunk

Celexa Blues

And we’re back with the infamous sore neck and insomnia. I haven’t missed you at all.

It’s been *many* years and I still can’t seem to keep this consistent. Always unsure as to which is worse - on or off meds. But doctors haven’t proven to be very helpful and I’m frustrated. So, back on the merry-go-round.

#citalopram #celexa #side effects