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[stopandgo]

“When they’re doing it to you, you’re really doing it to them”

I let them have it because it makes me feel something. Powerful. Important. Wanted. Alive.

Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it feels forced and exhausting and depressing. And I want to throw them off of me and curl up in a ball and be alone for days.

Sometimes I am in control and sometimes I am not. I want my control back completely. I will hurt feelings if they don’t like “no”, because their feelings are not more important than my right to my body. It’s mine and they can fuck right off of it

[stopandgo]

And I’ve grabbed all of the negative experiences until my hands were full and I swallowed them all

It’s all I know

I let life beat me up and I’ve never taken it out on anyone

But it has to go somewhere or I’ll overflow

So I bleed and I starve and I fuck til I’m numb

[stopandgo]

I tell you, almost impulsively, “I’m gonna miss you dude”

“I’m gonna miss you too, so much”

Your head is on my chest, your arms around me, you squeeze me tight and I say, “you have to keep texting me so I know how you’re doing”

“I will, and you should come visit me too”

Three more months

[stopandgo]

No I’m not ok, and it’s not ok

Ever since we met I’ve asked myself “what am I to him?”

You’ve told me that “I’m one of your best friends” and I’m “the best sex you’ve ever fucking had” and I’m “a comfort to you”

But FUCK that

What I am to you is convenient. And when I’m not anymore, you give a fuck. When you’re coming down off your high and I’m not there to cushion your fall, you get worried. You worry about how low you’ll get if I’m no longer a text away from an ego boost. But you don’t worry about me

Last time I saw you, you were trying to get your tv to work, you pulled your hair up which you never do, you looked at me laying in your bed and I thought to myself “I love you” and even the bars couldn’t make me forget that moment

I’ll miss you when you’re gone and I’ll love you still, but I’ll breathe easier knowing you’re distance is physical and not just emotional. I’ll feel lighter when I can tell myself that the barrier keeping us apart is the distance and not the fact that you don’t love me back

[stopandgo]

It’s only temporary, I know

So it’s full of highs and lows

Indecision our theme

Because we’ve both been through terrible things

So we tiptoe around becoming another one

But god you’re so fun

And moody and confusing and warm

I’ll miss laying in your arms

And playing with your blonde hair

It doesn’t feel fair

To love you sweetly

But so very briefly

[stopandgo]

How many haikus

Have I written about you

And left in my head

[stopandgo]

Dear ,

I’ve liked you since the moment we met at Walker’s house. You are an incredible person. I never expected to get close to you or to feel much for you, because I don’t really feel much for anyone, at least in that way. It surprised me so much that I never wanted to tell you because I was afraid it’d scare you away. But you’re leaving soon so I don’t have anything to lose! Most of all, I just want you to know how fuckin cool you are and how lovable you are. I know how hard you can be on yourself sometimes and it’s wack because you are such a light. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you. It sounds cliche to say you’re special, but you really are. And so genuinely kind and good. I just want you to go into this new chapter of your life with the knowledge that you are admired and loved and will be loved by everyone who’s lucky enough to meet you. There’s nothing you can’t do with your ambition and talent and I can’t wait to see what you become. Keep in touch, me and Lu are routing for you always <3

[stopandgo]

And I ache so much

What a lonely feeling

You’re so close

But so unattainable

We fucked but I felt nothing

Because you were empty

Probably wishing I was her

And it fucking aches

I could love you so well

I could give you everything

But I would never show you that

Because it would ache so much more

To offer you my world

Just to watch you turn it down

[stopandgo]

Forehead kisses

Soft, sweet

You kiss me

Countless shots of gin

A blissful grin

And you

Oh how badly I want to

Just observe

Don’t say a word

Don’t kiss

I don’t want to miss

A single feeling you give

I swear if I could live

In this night forever

It’d still never

Be long enough

[stopandgo]

First

Watching the sun rise

through your bedroom window

I’ve been waiting so long

for this moment

The room turns from gray to gold

As you sleep soundly

Holding me close

A new day floods in

I’m engulfed in your light

I try not to blink

Because I know how quickly

it’ll fade back to gray

[stopandgo]

Idk why I haven’t really looked into it before I guess I’ve been afraid that I’ll be looked at as someone who wants to have a disorder just to say I have it and I hate when ppl do that so

Anyway it’s like a specific feeling and I think everyone might feel it in certain occasions? Idk but here are a few examples

I find it really hard to make eye contact like it feels wrong

When I’m being “social” I feel like it’s an act like I’m just trying to be the best actress I can be when I have to speak to ppl

I never know when it’s appropriate to come into a conversation I don’t know where to look when I speak I don’t know what to do with my body and I usually feel like it was wrong afterwards

I’ve always been freaky good at remembering birthdays which I always thought was just a cool skill but I remember the birthday of my classmate in 7th grade bc in the lunch line he said it was his birthday and I still know it was October 15th. Phone numbers and credit card numbers have always been easy to remember

I’m always hyper aware of my body in social situations and worry that it looks weird. and people have always called me awkward

No matter how much I want to be able to fit in I still hide away in social situations and I hate when attention is brought to me unless I feel extremely confident which is rare.

I feel like if I wasn’t pretty then I would’ve had a lot more trouble growing up bc that’s often what makes ppl approach me and like me

[stopandgo]

Me when everything I said about what was really going on after the breakup proved to be true

Like I told y’all he was just coping in unhealthy ways and none of that was the real him

All the bragging about finding people who have healthy and adult communication skills like bitch lol did you forget to communicate that you didn’t like them at all

I know when you miss people even when you try to hide it but you never miss these people. They were fillers.

[stopandgo]

I carved “NO” into my upper thigh

And a boy still spread them open wide

Too focused on the prize

To read what I couldn’t say

There’s not a fucking day

That goes by

That I don’t try

To forget how I said “okay”

Out of fear that I wouldn’t be

If I said no

So it played like a broken

Record in my head

The blood on my leg a nice token

For what I should’ve just said

But instead

I shook

And I took

It

And I know what your thinking

How can a two letter word be so scary?

But I had been drinking

And he had been very

Persistant

And I was alone

No car where the fuck is my phone

In his bed

He ignored that I said no to head

So what would stop him

From spreading my legs for me?

Would I have to say please?

Would I have to beg?

“No no no no no”

Would mean nothing

To a determined boy

Who saw me as a small, drunk toy

At his disposal

[stopandgo]

*old drunk man at bar asks me my name*

Me: “Susanna”

Old dude: “Say that again so I can watch your lips as you say it”

Me: “oh.... my god.... please do not”

[stopandgo]

I scratched myself so hard the other night omg I didn’t think it was bad bc it didn’t bleed but it bruised like a big, long line yikes

[stopandgo]

Sharp objects is really special to me especially right now

I want to read all about it and what people think/see that I didn’t notice

[dappledwithshadow]

Salvador Dalí Cinq Personnages Surréalistes

Dimensions:  19.25 X 25.12 in (48.9 X 63.8 cm) Medium:  gouache, brush and ink on pink paper Creation Date:  1937