(Harry Styles x Reader||Angst)
Summary: Based on the song “Easier” by 5 Seconds of Summer and Part 2 of “Who do you love?” Maybe the luckiest person in the world has had enough.
Warnings: ANGST, mentions of cheating, alcohol, toxic relationship, strong language, insecurities and bad English (sorry it’s not my first language)
A/N: I honestly thought no one would read the first part but holy cow! Thank you <3 I’m getting the confidence to keep writing so feedback is always welcome and appreciated! Maybe I’ll do a part 3? Who knows?
”Why do we always gotta run away?
And we wind up in the same place
It’s like we’re looking for the same thing
Sunshine illuminated your face lightly, but enough to wake you up and remind yourself to close the curtains before going to bed that night. With a groan, you turned around to find an empty space and messed up sheets. Again.
It didn’t surprise you anymore. Ever since you came back from tour with Harry he’s been waking up very early (that’s if he even came home at all) and going to the studio.
The only evidence you had of him was the faint smell of his cologne that impregnated the pillow. His pillow. The same one you two choose when you went on a shopping spree for your new home. You remember him insisting on buying the perfect set “It’s a new start for us, love” he said “It has to be perfect because it’s not going to be yours or mine, it’s going to be ours” You truly felt like the luckiest person in the world.
But now that memory seemed so distant, almost like if you were watching it happen to another person, another couple, another love. You grabbed his pillow and hold it tight against you as nostalgia took over you. If you closed your eyes and tried hard enough, it was almost like he was there with you.
You whined when you phone rang next to you, pulling you away from that feeling.
“Hello?” You asked with an annoyed voice, not even checking who it was.
You almost jump when you heard his voice. To say it was unexpected was an understatement. Harry rarely calls when he’s in the city, and, to be honest, you haven’t heard that much from him lately. So it was weird to hear his voice.
“Listen, I don’t have much time. I have to go back into the booth in a few…” Typical “Just wanted to let you know that we have a party tonight, so be ready at 8”
“And you want me to come with you?” You asked amazed.
“Sure..? I just said it. Why are you asking that?” Harry said in a confused tone.
“It’s just that…” You didn’t really know how to say it without sounding pathetic “You never take me to those kinds of thing anymore, I wasn’t expecting that if I’m honest”
“That’s not true, Y/N” his tone was defensive “I just know what types of events you feel comfortable and…”
“Yeah, no I know… I just miss you Harry, I never really see you anymore”
“I know, I miss you too. But you know the things I have to do for my job. I thought you’d understand that”
“And I do! But I need you to understand me as well and where I’m coming from”
You heard a small giggle coming from the other line. A giggle that wasn’t Harry’s. For a second your heart stopped. You realized that, once again, he wasn’t alone. He never was. He was just never alone with you.
“Gotta go, love” He said, not bothering to continue the conversation. “Love you”
You never knew a lie could taste so sweet.
*******************************************************
”Do we really gotta do this now?
Right here with all your friends around?
In the morning, we can work it out”
You got yourself ready by the time Harry came and picked you up.
He was already dressed, you imagine that his stylist went directly to the studio and had to do it there since he never bothered coming home.
“You look good” He said when he saw you getting into the car. You just smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“You don’t bad” You teased, earning a grin from him and a small peck on the lips. And you could’ve sworn you were in heaven.
Funny how everything was fine when it was just the two of you, no worries or problems or jealousy and insecurities. Just you and your beautiful boyfriend. You wished that happened more often.
You were so immerse on your own thoughts that you never asked Harry where you were going. You just enjoyed his company, his silence and his careful eyes scanning you from head to toe once every stop sign. So it took you by surprise when the cameras’ flashing interrupted your sight.
You never liked the paparazzi. When you first started dating Harry they were always around, asking rumors and really personal questions about you and your relationship you weren’t comfortable answering. Harry however, oh how he moved and acted with such grace… you had to remind yourself he lived with that pressure of the spotlight since he was sixteen, he was a pro at ignoring questions while being incredibly polite and not revealing too much when he did answer them.
“I thought it was a private party” You said sounding a little nervous when Harry stopped the car.
“It is” Harry said opening his door and giving the keys to the valet, turning around the vehicle to open the door for you “it’s an Album release party”
“No idea” he said offering you his hand, which you gladly take “Management just told me to be here”
“And to take me so the fans can see we’re still together” You thought. Of course that was just a theory your insecurities were creating and you were just overreacting and overthinking it.
But when the paparazzi started asking questions about a “rumored breakup” and “trouble in paradise” you couldn’t help but feel that maybe you were right.
The last drop was when one paparazzo asked Harry about different people he’s been hanging out lately, people you had no idea were close to him or have been spending time with him. But, then again, you wouldn’t know. How could you?
You felt Harry’s grip get tighter around your hand, almost pulling you inside the venue and going straight to the bar. He didn’t say a thing to you, not even looking at you when he asked for your drinks.
“Sorry bout that” He finally said after the bartender put down his and your drink.
“It’s okay” you lied “They love spreading rumors, don’t they?” You smiled at him, faking every move. He just gave you a relieved smile and kissed your forehead before drowning his drink. You did the same.
Surprisingly for you, he actually started talking to you. He asked about your day and what have you been up to lately. He listened to you and seemed to enjoy your company, engaging in a conversation you haven’t had in a while.
All your worries went away as quickly as they came when his attention was to you. And when he talked you concentrated in his voice, in every word he said. You could listen to him narrate the dictionary and still get lost in all of him. His beautiful eyes were fixed on you and, once again, you felt like you were the luckiest person in the world. Because he was looking at you.
Sadly, that didn’t last much. You were in the middle of catching up when you were interrupted by a stranger, trying to get Harry’s attention. Weirdly enough, Harry seemed to know this person, and quickly started a conversation, almost forgetting you were there.
“You have to come and meet these guys” the stranger said, convincing Harry to go with him.
“Sure, I’ll be right there!” He answered, turning his attention to you “You don’t mind if…?”
“Go, you rockstar” You said with a sad smile “I’ll be waiting right here for you”
And he left, without even introducing you or saying goodbye.
A few drinks have pass since you’ve seen Harry around (you didn’t bother in counting the minutes or hours after the first 30) You spotted him a couple of times with different people, laughing and drinking and dancing… and you were still sitting at the bar, wondering why did you even agree to come? But then you see him looking your way and you remember exactly why.
It was obvious how much you love him. You absolutely adored him, and who could blame you? You were living a dream life with him by your side, any person would be lucky to be in your place. So what if you had your bad moments? You could ignore them, Lord knows you’ve done that before. Maybe because of your fears, maybe because of his eyes and dimples, maybe because, if you tried hard enough, he will see what’s in front of him instead of going astray, maybe one day he’ll wake up and see your pain, maybe…
A glass crashing on the floor behind the bar woke you up from your overthinking hour. You wanted to be with Harry, but couldn’t see him anywhere. Tired of waiting, you stand up (a bit tipsy) and went looking for him.
You made your way in a sea of strange and drunk faces. You recognize some people from Harry’s management team, but he wasn’t with them. You looked everywhere, your head was pounding from the loud music and your steps were clumsy. You almost gave up until you finally spotted the curly headed man across the room. And he wasn’t alone.
There was someone next to him, someone taller than you and in much better shape from what you can tell. Their hair was black and their eyes were fixed on your boyfriend as one of his hands caressed their arm while the other one was wrapped around their waist, too close to their bottoms. Harry was whispering something in their ears, making them laugh. But when he decided to slide his lips to their neck, you decided you’ve seen enough.
You went directly to him, not caring if you caused a scene. This was too much.
You stood behind him and taped on his shoulder. He didn’t seemed to notice.
“Harry” you said trying to stop your voice from shaking and tears from slipping. Failing miserably when he still didn’t notice “Baby, I’m right here”
You grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, making him see you. And when he did… oh god. He looked like a deer in the headlights, his mouth fell open and his eyes were filled with shock and guilt… You had the urge to kiss him or slap him or both. But you just stood there, looking into his eyes and letting the tears fall freely.
“Y/N” he muttered barely. He was drunk, anyone could tell.
“Did you really have to do it now? When everyone’s here? When I’m here?” You yelled at him, but the music was still too loud for everyone to hear “How could you do that? How could you humiliate me like that?”
“Y/N, I can explain, it’s not what it looks like…”
“Save it. I’m going home”
You ran from the house and immediately called an Uber. Not caring about the thousand photographs being taken at the moment of you crying in the streets. Maybe the luckiest person in the world wasn’t that lucky after all.
*******************************************************
Is that we’re only built to fall”
When you got home the first thing you did was to throw your shoes somewhere in the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of wine and head straight to the bathroom. Hoping a bath can wash away your shame and sadness.
You knew what you had to do and it wasn’t something you wanted to do. But you couldn’t endure the pain anymore, the embarrassment, the lies… it was too much. You knew you couldn’t cover it anymore, that façade of being happy when in reality it was far from that. Finally you started to see it all so clearly: all the excuses you invented for him when he couldn’t, all the looks of guilt he shot at you, how many times he didn’t sleep in the same bed as you, his mood changes… He wasn’t happy either.
You cried your eyes out in the bathtub, letting the soap wash away your tears. You didn’t know how much time went by, but when you stepped outside and went into the room, Harry was already there.
He looked like shit. He looked worn out and… angry?
“You’re all over social media” He said, not looking at you. Really? That’s how he’s gonna start? “There are pictures of you crying and getting in an Uber trending on Twitter” He looked up, eyes finding yours “What the hell were you thinking?”
Harry ignored you “Something could’ve happen to you! You don’t know how to manage the paps, you were alone and drunk in a street you don’t know! Really What were you thinking?!”
“I was thinking of leaving the party after I saw my boyfriend all over another person’s body! Or have you forgotten about that?” You spatted.
“How much of a self centered asshole you have to be to come here and yell at me because I might ‘ruin your image’ for something you made me do?!”
He stood there, quietly. Your eyes replaced the tears with anger, but his gaze never left yours.
“I tried, Harry. I tried so hard for a long time to ignore it. I tried telling myself that I was the one in the wrong, the one who was overreacting and overthinking… Hell, even you told me that! I made myself blind to all of the red flags. The cigarettes, the nights out, the names you’d spilled by accident… I let it all pass”
“Why?” He asked. His voice much calmer than yours, maybe trying to be the bigger person in the room.
“Because I love you you idiot!” Your voice cracked “I love you so much that I hate you”
You could see the surprise in Harry’s eyes, as well as some tears he’ll never let spill. Much contrary to yours that were rolling freely down your cheek.
“But I know that you’re never, ever going to change. That you will always stay the same. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that you love me as much as I love you, that you will somehow see me as you did before… but it’s hopeless”
Harry tried to get close to you, but stopped himself from doing that almost immediately. He saw you standing there and did nothing, what could he do anyways?
“I’m sorry” he whispered. Not knowing what else to do.
“Are you sorry you did it or that you got caught?” He didn’t answer it.
“If you knew all this time why didn’t you say something?” His voice was calm but cruel “Why didn’t you leave?”
“Do you think is easy? Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go? Are you kidding me, Harry?” You were just so tired of his bullshit “Begin with you was the hardest and easiest things I’ve ever done… I fell for you like Icarus fell from the sky. You gave me warmth and joy, but I didn’t know where you went at night. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care because the next day you were there and we started all over again”
“You let me fly with you, but you were always so far away and when I thought I reached you… you burned my wings and let me crash. And it’s still so hard to blame you cause you’re so damn beautiful”
Harry said nothing. You sighed and went to sit on the bed.
“I’m not going to ask you why you did it” you continued “I don’t want to know. I’m not even going to ask if you loved me…”
“I did” Harry said, way to quickly. Still standing in the middle of the room “I did and I do”
“If only that were true…”
You stayed in silence a couple more minutes. No one dared to break the tension just yet.
“I think…” you said weakly “I think it’s time for you to go, Harry. Go and make another person the luckiest person on the world. Lord knows that’s not me anymore”
And without another word, you laid on the bed and drifted to sleep. Not caring if Harry was there. Not caring about anything else, but feeling the fall.
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