Word dump of how life hurts right now
I haven't been able to fall asleep on my right side for two weeks because that was the side I've laid on facing my now ex boyfriend for 8 years. Laying on that side I see the empty bed and it hurts to see what I've lost and won't get back. Because loving someone is so fucking stupid, despite him breaking up with me and me being mad at the reason, situation and so much more, I still love him and it will be a while before I don't and I hate myself for caring and letting the emptiness of our home and bed and room and life hurt me when I don't expect it, when I'm trying to forget and be fine. Idk how 8 years together, being fine, being happy, thinking we were okay to crumble into jack shit when the reality of us planning our wedding and looking into buying a house causes him to be scared of commitment after moving 3k miles away for me and staying 8 years and suddenly you're not happy, suddenly you're lost on who you are and what you want. I'm so mad at it. And I'm so mad that I still care and have feelings for him when he made it clear he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore and didn't mean to hurt me and wants to be friends - but everything hurts and I can't right now. I just can't. I cry looking at his empty side of our room. And I can't even talk to my dad for his wisdom because he passed last July and the world fucking sucks, 2020 has sucked. But the sun comes up, my friends are here for me, my brothers have been trying to help, so I put my smile on, I put one foot in front of the other, I take care of our hedgehog, and I trudge on, because one day it will be okay.























