Itâs like this every fucking time. You think you progress but actually, nope, not at all. I mean, at least you didnât cry. Almost. I canât even believe I am so stupid. I am making such a big deal out of this situation and literally no one cares. People likes you. They just wanted to see you doing something cool. And yet, you let this fucking problem take over you again. You say how much you love to dance but made such drama to do this in front of everyone. Iâm so upset. I wish everything were easy. I hate my shyness. I hate my lack of confidence. No one was going to make fun of you. They would probably think youâre funny. You know this. But you ignored and thatâs why Iâm so sad. Because I acknowledge my problem but I canât seem to change it? And I want to change so much. No dance class will make you get over your internal problems. Iâts you. Itâs me. And itâs hard to accept that. The fact that I canât just nicely ask to go away. I have to face this every single day. I have to feel my heart beating fast every time. My hands shaking and my eyes almost tearing. I have to go through all this in order to feel comfortable.Â
Also, Iâm so angry with this person. How the fuck do you want me to feel comfortable if you are going to put me in the most uncomfortable situation ever? I really wanted to scream. If you wanted to help me, then you should have been quiet. I didnât asked for help. I wanted to be social with the people but the way you put me in the spotlight made me feel so desperate that I didnât knew what to do in the entire party. I really wanted to cry. Of course, putting myself in situations like this would help me but I know my limits. When I say no, then itâs a no. Itâs not an invitation. Itâs not a âplease, convince meâ. Iâm still trying to talk with people. Itâs difficult for me to even write this shit because I feel like social interaction should be the basic human skills and yet here I am making such a big deal. Itâs hard for me. But I am trying. I am working hard. And what you did with me just made me frustrate with all my hard work. Because I felt like I didnât progress at all. I felt like the same girl I was six years ago.Â
Well, everyone has to go through some problems, right? Itâs okay if today wasnât like you planned. You always have tomorrow to start over again. One day at a time. You have a loooooooong way until you can achieve those things but for now, you should be happy because youâre not giving up.Â
But right now, I just want to stay in my room. And thatâs okay. Just donât make this a habit, okay?
