It's so stimulating being your hat.

A Scorpio who likes mid-20th century stuff, veggie burgers, aerobics & finding the essence from within.

[strange-spaghetti]

Yesterday work flew by. I went to the gym. I was supposed to target my abs but my arms are killing me. I went home & ate, showered but as tired as I was I couldn’t sleep. I can’t even use my own vibrator without thinking of theirs. I cry but it’s not easy & it’s stuck & I really f*cking hurt. I’m scared that this is a phase & not momentum to new life. My feelings are hurt & I still want him to reach out but he won’t. Two more days & it’ll be a week of silence. I’ve gone 3 before. I’ve gone f*cking 5 months before. My sex life doesn’t take precedence & I absolutely should not be hitting up the guitarist as a crutch. Fitness & finances, Al. Onward.

I have a shoot today. I just need to figure out what I can do with my sore body & broken heart.

[strange-spaghetti]

Oh god I’m moving heavy boxes of rode. I thought my arm work out wasn’t good enough… I was wrong.

[strange-spaghetti]

Me actually concerned about losing my “saddle bags” since they help accentuate my hourglass shape & make my thighs look good in pants. I need to lessen the look of my cellulite though & that means targeting that area 😔

[strange-spaghetti]

Trainer isn’t available until 4 so I’m kicking around. Didn’t get booked for today nor do I have a house Wednesday so there’s no excuse to not do this. I have time.

As for editing my own sh*t lmao. I keep pushing it off. Those f*cking windows, man.

[strange-spaghetti]

Urrr this is rough

Uploaded the shots. Cooked dinner. I already worked out… & walked, showered. I don’t want to hurt my body by overdoing it but it hurts so much to sit still.

Thoughts of never seeing him, thoughts of having something so good being ripped away from me.

The thought of us on the couch, him joking, saying he’ll get Allison tattooed on his forehead. Then he said he’ll get property of Allison above his dick. I said I wanted it on his rib. He asked why. I said I don’t know. He mentioned how he’s fat now. I said no, it’s just more body. He said I was so nice in a genuine inflection. I hope he has to catch himself when he’s with her, I hope he says my name, thinks of me. Realizes he does like me, he said it on the couch too. I don’t know what I did or said but he said it. I said something snarky back but I tripped on my words.

I can’t fucking stand this.

[eliakara]

Sneaker Pimps - Black Sheep

[strange-spaghetti]

Oo, I did not shoot well today. Too much ceiling in Every room shot. I’m wearing taller shoes, the owner was pissing me off, & I was cocky since I am really good with comp & exposure… but damn, yeah. & it sucks since this house was Gorgeous. I have never seen such white plush carpets. I really fucked up 😔

[strange-spaghetti]

I thought I didn’t have time to go to the gym today (I did a tour on a lunch break on Friday & got a week free pass) I haven’t been able to make it before close after work so I’ve been doing my thing at home (ran yesterday to the point I almost vomited in public 👍🏻)

I did yoga & already did my make up but I Did have time to go to the gym & now I’m f*cking festering until my hour drive to a job. If I sit still I will hear the f*cking screams in my head.

[strange-spaghetti]

Maybe I’m seeing things but the handsome videographer at work who resembles adtr dude came back since an SD card was listed as zero in our inventory & then our dead head vet photographer comes back & goes “ohh I didn’t know you were ~ back here with with Allison~ ” since he was talking at me while he walked up & then he leaves & says something & nudges our videographer coworker & like… that was kind of just a fun & nice little thing like I’m something that’s considerable as fucking crazy as that sounds. Of course I am 💅🤪

Him & I already sized each other up when I first started here & it’s not a right fit but there is occasional cuteness there. & I already told my work partner I wouldn’t mess around because it would get messy & put weird vibes at work.

Just a cute moment.. I think. Unless I’m seeing & hearing things.

[strange-spaghetti]

My photographer mate at work wants me to take performative athletic portraits of him & we have a studio date set. i love that he asked me. He knows how to bounce light unlike me & I have no idea how to intentionally sculpt light but I will. Super stoked for this. Definitely doing low key & angular. We’re thinking b/w too even though his skin has a beautiful tan. We’ll see.

[strange-spaghetti]

1am & I can’t sleep. Took creatine & exercised too close to bed time. I’m screaming in my head & I feel this need to run & I see where I was outside his building waiting for him & it’s like I was hearing the screaming inside my head now then.

“They’re birds. You’ve never heard birds before?”

[strange-spaghetti]

It’s like the shock rebooted ny body & I’m back to listening to Depeche Mode & Cocteau twins lmao.

[strange-spaghetti]

I got booked for three more clients already. Dude I’m honestly so stoked. I know some of these houses are a pain & I always feel bad about how sh*tty our practices are not using flambient or any type of lighting other than practical & available light. Other than that. Hell yeah, dude.

I do need to manage my files though. I need to just edit & get a collection going for a portfolio asap. Discard the multi exposures & keep just One HDR image for each shot.

In time I’ll learn proper lighting & natural looking HDR editing & make hella money with a different company 👅👅👅

[strange-spaghetti]

Still in bed but it’s not even 8am yet. I do have a shoot at 2:30 & need to get things done beforehand.

Yesterday at work I tell my work partner everything & we talk & laugh. I’m making light of it but physically my nervous system is shot & every time he walks away the rumination starts & f*cks my heart rate up & I feel impulsive. I did do a semi long text. I take my break with my photographer mate & we get food at Aldi & sit outside the back of his jeep. Story time / tea. He is so comforting & endearing, doesn’t sugarcoat but also knows where I’m coming from… this was the first time I told him about one of the videographer’s main kink (no way in fuck I can’t use his name right now are you kidding 🙄. So stupid)

I receive long flattering texts from hipster date guy but can’t write back. I don’t get a response from Him until several hours later & he’s not telling me real reasons but he’s keeping me on the hook & telling me he needs time. Lmao my hand is shaking rn. So fucking stupid.

I say I know what I want. I say I’m okay & accept my circumstance. Like if I want the guys I’m attracted to, I have to put up with their bullsh*t…. In bed I was thinking delete his number again. Do another hiatus with the intention of being a better self, get conventionally more attractive (lmao so dumb), give myself a burst of growth with my goals & make myself too busy, too important & hopefully wanted by someone else I want too that he never comes back into the picture. I don’t know Nick’s full situation, whether he’s choosing her over me, I don’t know anything. I only know two things & can only speculate. I can’t break my heart or go crazy trying to dig my heels in over speculation. & really I shouldn’t have been spying in the first place. Still a good thing in my eyes I did but yeah, I have inner & outer work to do & I’m accelerating it now. I’m not putting in low effort with myself anymore. 

[strange-spaghetti]

… prettty sure it was Travis Richter or maybe Derek Bloom (leaning more toward richter, maybe he recognizes that we’ve messaged before) but their side project followed me & liked an Anthony green photo lmao. I can do pics for from first to last plzzz don’t even have to pay me just have me along 🥲🥲🥲

[strange-spaghetti]

Maybe this is how I get my summer body 🤪✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻

But maybe this is a good thing. Sometimes even when he texts me nothing single texts once in a blue moon I get all romantic in daydreams about him. After last night I definitely would have walked away feeling like something could change with us… this breaks the rose colored glasses & illusion of him ever being there for me.

[strange-spaghetti]

So fucking lame

My bed is so painful to be in, so fucking lonely, it feels so wrong to not be snuggled in his with us wrapped in each other I’m so fucked up right now. I keep thinking of him kissing my nose.

… pools just opened up last week. He’s actually hanging out with his casual partner. What we planned & I fucked up a year ago. I don’t get to have that with him & im crying because I’m not getting his fucking 2% effort & will be back to his absence & silence. So fucked up.