It's so stimulating being your hat.

A Scorpio who likes mid-20th century stuff, veggie burgers, aerobics & finding the essence from within.

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Rescheduled date since I think I have a migraine from still having a sinus cold. It’s day 5 now with the headache & nausea

I’m about to kick my aunts *ss. I never want to see her again honestly & im trying very hard not to start a fight

I miss Bodie & my heart aches & I’m scared & so deeply saddened. & with this date I keep thinking of how good the first 4 weeks were with Bodie. The hope I had for us & the hope I still had… & have. I wonder how long it’ll be until he’s forgotten & not felt for like my ex. I’m scared that won’t happen.

I don’t want to exist right now. & usually that would mean binge watch a show which I just did this month… why am I still sick?

I think of 2024 when I tried to kms & how embarrassing that is because of how much better & more interesting my life got so that’s my point of reference of… just don’t give into that feeling, Allison.

I’m chubby. Skin marks are still infected. I had an ingrown hair that immediately got infected when I picked it out & I’ve been in pain for 3 days?

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Bro I took off my shift at the camera store because I’m unwell & wanted to make sure I was okay enough for my night shift at the concert venue… that show was canceled so now I have the whole day. I’m reaaally in bad shape though. 4 days straight of headaches, nausea & dizzy spells when I move up & down.

I just set up Subclips on Dropbox for the artist & sent her those to do whatever she wants with them but in the meantime I really want her to have montage reels for her social media. I looked back on the one I made & I kinda don’t like it now 🫩 but I am at that stage of self hate & pity at the moment so everything is warped. The interview is still good at least. I just need graphics & text.. & adjust audio maybe.

… too busy & stressed to hurt over the same old but moments do find me. I love that guy I don’t know. Even in his disinterest & all the ways he changes, I still feel the good of him but

I have a date tomorrow & i really want to move on & find a new way of seeing myself as a lover, partner, friend, & as an individual

I have such a headache 😭😭😭 how can I still have it???

I don’t know how to destress other than do the thing that stresses me out but it’s like I have other things to do

Serious anxiety attack last night trying to make a new montage reel for her but then I was like f*ck it, get a Dropbox of unedited clips for her so she can use whatever as daily stories on ig At Least

I love editing videos but when I’m not in the headspace, it’s hell

Gym & fitness goals are on the back burner. Two night ago I did manage but I was so sick & so tired my eyes were flickering & I keep feeling the need to vomit…. If I knew it wasn’t possible I’d worry it was morning sickness. Ya know.. ✨Just like in the ~movies~ ✨… 🫩 Zeke’s ignoring me & has either disappeared or restricted me on ig. The music video my mate did for his drummer just came out that he’s in & that’s not even a topic of conversation

Fftl released a single, not as good as their last 4 singles, but just as saosin’s new single being a topic to reach out to videographer a few months back, if he wanted to- fftl’s release would have been the ice breaker (he said whenever he sees circa survive or fftl on his dash he thinks of me so.. 😔) not that it really matters but it’s scary & the silence is so fucking sad. Sometimes it really is just so much worse than him ignoring a text or telling me he’s too busy or the same bullsh*t of /insert something about tasting my *ss but I’m editing / tease & excuse. Low effort always but now. Nothing. & knowing there’s nothing to wait on…. Lmao you’re too busy, Al remember??

Just gotta keep at it. Balance things better. Don’t over rest, don’t overwork. Drink water. Listen to music. Talk with mates (AZ must be really busy we do not talk everyday anymore 😭😭) exercise. Plan things better. You have the whole day. The gym? Edit. Clean. Self care.

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Hated my first house today. Dude was still repairing his house. Like 10 rooms 5,000 sq ft

Waited an hour for an agent even though it was a vacant property for me to let myself in.

Did enjoy shooting my last two houses & made a reel for ig even though my bdd & hormones are acting up

Blocked the videographer’s media page last night since it was a trigger & I almost gave into an impulse at work (he changed his look Again) either way. He won’t & I will not.

Did get asked on a date with a guy I’ve been talking to but I’m very behind with the artists social media content & she wants the bts reels asap

… I have to knock out her reels ASAP but knowing full well it takes me several hours for one

She wants a short documentary done late August so… my purpose is honestly her which good

On antibiotics Again. My skin meds got delayed so I actually have infections??? From picking at ingrown hairs & zits. I haven’t had bad skin in a while. Could be the diet too

F*ck I didn’t text my trainer back today

I’m overwhelmed

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No work today. For a bit I was kinda at a loss of what to do before meeting with my trainer but I finally got up & went to a cafe & stoked to try it. Limited seating so that’ll suck when it’s packed but the interior is all black & brown so it was very my aesthetic. Gonna try boba tea next time since I talked to a chick there about what I can do vegan. Just did a Very sweet coffee this time (they don’t have alt. Milks just non-dairy creamer 🫩) but arranged sound bites & got the narrative down for why the artist chose the song she did. No arranged b roll yet. & then I started working on my mate’s interview which… you can hear my work partner in the background working in our area (tape gun, printer, boxes slamming lmao) just overall my mates interview needs major tweaking & to condense the talking points but I have what I need. At this point it is just bts no narrative cute clips I need to knock out & then when my mates done with the video, I can add his work to the narratives of why & how.

Oh, I’m talking to three guys all with similar vibes. A night or two ago I cried over a YouTuber whose husband is this cute little tattooed Latino & she’s a tall white alt chick (perfume make up influencer) & i saw them kiss & it made me sad. I want my little cute tattooed brown skinned man already 😔… & then I matched with three alt. Tattooed Latinos lmao. Two of them opened with the same comment too! So bad But! Definitely good that these dudes dig the mars Volta too 👌🏻👌🏻 other dude who I would just want as a friend works for a very well known metalcore band so that’s cool. I have a feeling he’ll drop off though. No friends for Alice.

Ick, I just ate a big dinner & I have to get ready for the gym now 🤢💀

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I.kept.spending.money.today 💀💀💀

Lmao but! New gym clothes & I’m starting my journey to find a signature perfume & I’m starting with the brand Heretic. Sample scents I got are

Haxan

Dirty patchouli

Dirty lemon (full size since clearance)

Smudge

Voodoo lily

Dirty Hinoki

Have never been a perfume person only ever essential & fragrance oils in the past & hempz scented lotions now (that don’t last nor project) I had a signature scent called Funeral Parlor when I was 16-24 from Vamp Fangs; Heretic feels like the grown up version of that. Stoked

… I should sleep…

I need to commit to Louder Fest so o can stop spending money on clothes & bougie organic groceries… don’t regret the perfume. Excited as silly as that sounds.

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I’m going mental. It’s so many little things & my body & health are too messed up to move this out of me. That’s an excuse? Anyway

The screams are back in my head. I almost punched a wall. Eating junk food. Actually growling lmao like the fuck? I remembered me calling Bodie cocky during sex & he smiles but I can’t remember his face. I can vividly see that f*cking drawer though. & the tan line on his wrist.

I’m thinking of Zeke & the trauma dump & complaining he kept spewing onto me. The hardship of him moving & having things in his apartment. He’s telling me he’s struggling & going through tough times. I give him this long speech of how capable he is, the hardship amounting to better times & even though you don’t feel it now in the future you will see what that struggle you were capable of getting through allowed you to achieve. It doesn’t come in the moment, only afterwards in reflection of how far you’ve come… no matter how personal Zeke gets with me it matters to naught & really, that was a moment for me. That was me affirming it to me. Stating it as true because I know it to be true. Everything sucks right now but I am getting it tof*ckinggether. Maybe without hang outs, lust, love, excitement & skin to skin comfort but I will have my singular moments. The mess amounts to something. No matter how short the highlight, it sustains in capability for the next bleeding task….

I am not doing mentally well at all! Lmao. I hate this. I wish I was just working & going to the gym but my period & the cervix clipping & Zeke not texting & my mate not dming & my heart & sexuality wanting Bodie & just needing… belonging & time shared like… I wish I was laying on a chest that wanted me there 😭😭 Zeke really did not want me there at the end of the night & even though I apologized for not getting off his chest when he asked me to, he’s being colder than usual… & that man is already made of stone.

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I have this stress & urgency but there isn’t anything I can do nor is this the time to try & jump for changes whatever those may be. & I think that’s where Bodie comes in, I feel all these things happening for me & yet So! paced out & dragging so it’s like this part of me what’s to completely disturb the waters by reaching out. I’ve been googling him again, songs he’s covered pop up on my spotify & it baits me more into this feeling that, ideally for my sanity, I need to die down & not lean into it.

Work. Gym. Edit. Shoots. Build upon my image & branding/sense of self to sell to others romantically or financially, socially or otherwise whatever..: I hate this feeling but… the earth will fucking shake.

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Finished one of her 30 second BTS teaser clips & a one minute bio/new video coming soon clip

Very pleased with how the bio came out 🥲

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Without details but something during the exam broke my heart because the last time that happened was with Bodie… I miss him. Having had a bad night with the guitarist really f*cked up my progress with letting Bodie go. A few days ago I asked my work partner to show me how to unblock a number, I didn’t even go two weeks with him being unwelcomed in my life. Not that he’ll reach out anyway. I told my work partner that Zeke couldn’t be the only sex I get & after I’m done with the content for the artist, I’m reaching out to him.. It was just such a difficult night with the guitarist; him & I haven’t had problems like that in over a year. The hard rock music & no ac in his room. His sofa is structureless & small. He was defensive & took everything I said as an insult instead of me trying to maneuver & communicate what isn’t working to try & find what does work & feel good. & I would joke & tease & had it been Bodie it would have fueled the flirtation & touching. I drove back home crying. Like I hate small talk with Zeke, I tried to touch him but he kept moving around & he’s asking me questions but the music is SO loud. There was a point after a round that we were on the sofa & finally classic r&b came on & I kiss & stroke him over his boxers & that was nice & it turns into another round but he goes “what? You just want to make out?”… f*cker didn’t even kiss me or Touch me for that matter before he stood up from the sofa & “whipped it out” for me to give him head which yes, I love giving head but for f*cks sake. I even tell him you didn’t even kiss me yet so with his dick in my face he leans over & gives one kiss & im like f*cking forget this & just gave head as foreplay. He says, & Mind You we have had this exact exchange multiple times but this time I said nothing but he goes, “what? You don’t want me to whip it out anymore?” For the 4th or 5th time, Ezequiel, KISS.ME.FIRST touch me like what the fuck?!??!! He usually makes me cum & this time, not even close. He says something before I leave & it makes me hurt so much reminding what I will never be for the guys I’m attracted to. & now the love I forgot for Bodie has been dug up & shoved in my face. As superficial or genuine, I’m never going to know excitement & comfort like that.

… I need to get up & out of my head. My vagina hurts right now & the DR said for the next few days I’m going to have discharge that looks like f*cking coffee grounds. He was talking about how there could be two more rounds of them poking at my cervix & it could even come to a layer being sliced off…. He did say that my uti issue could also be bladder & maybe my urethra is shorter than normal & why it gets infected easily. But now I’m like? Can I put a boric acid suppository up there? I didn’t think to ask because I thought I would be given antibiotics for the bv but homeboy says results will come back in a week:.. uh? For bv? Dude treat this now. I have an open wound so I can’t go & shove chemicals up there for the smell.. I really should have told Zeke to pull out he asked twice too about cumming inside me making sure but I just really like it 😣 I love the way he finishes inside me… I will say he does have that beat on Bodie. It’s almost beautiful the way Zeke cums & I will just watch as crazy as that sounds but is almost like a moment of awe for how intense it is. Okay I need to get up & stop.

- do not waste this day Allison

Edit. Wash your hair. Maybe even the gym since I’m not at work today (concert got canceled)

Tend to you. Accomplish & get back to goals of creative & technical pursuits, fitness & emotional stability (my ocd has actually gotten full f*cking fledged worse). Fat loss, muscle gain, video & photo work, friends. Please do not get hung up on lust & love. Not right now. Do not bring Bodie back into the equation.

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It tasted like metal & nail polish Nevermind!! 😭😭😭

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Tmi

My *ss serious having a two shot latte right before my gynecologist exam… I have to use the bathroom; my bowels are in full f*cking swing 😭😭😭 I just went waiting for the DR which means I peed too & I need to give a urine sample… I’m drinking out the exam rooms sink no foolin, man.

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So yesterday

Work went really fast. I edited on my break at a cafe. Had a horrible night with the guitarist - No sexual chemistry, the most difficult personality…. & my family cat, Double who was my baby’s brother, got euthanized.

What the fuck just happened.

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Yoooo I finally did a short reel edit & the music cues, holy sh*t! There are just some cut to beat images I need to replace since they’re not punchy enough.

Oh & I’m doing pretty unwell but at least I’m pushing on 🤘🏻🤘🏻

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Just asked for my three house shoots to be covered these next two days 😔 this was not the time for me to get sick. Yes, I have more time to edit now but it’s going to be difficult tending to basic tasks with a sinus cold.

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Guitarist & I are gonna try something that simulates one of our kinks but it never looks the way you expect it but this way it will 😋🥰

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Sinus cold, sore throat & nausea

Haven’t been able to make my gym days this week

Will be working 12 days in a row

Started getting sound bites for reels for the artists & stoked for it but have very little time to work on that

My uti issues are worse. No longer mild discomfort but full on burning (what do I fucking have????)

Gotta make sure my obgyn appointment I’ve been waiting TWO months for isn’t compromised because they’re the fucking worst. That’s next Friday but I’m concerned

Um.. & not that it matters at all but he’s looking at my ig since his media page keeps getting suggested

Did get a video from the guitarist last night & that was nice 🥰🥰 (she says as her body in multiple ways is f*cked up)

Everyone is moody at work. Me included because of how terrible I feel. & my partner isn’t here but the work is light at least

Gotta grocery shop & meal prep the next two days

Gotta try to work out at home at least

Um. Yeah. Glad to be busy but worried of my health.

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I think I’m getting sick 😭