It's so stimulating being your hat.

A Scorpio who likes mid-20th century stuff, veggie burgers, aerobics & finding the essence from within.

[strange-spaghetti]

Trainer isn’t available until 4 so I’m kicking around. Didn’t get booked for today nor do I have a house Wednesday so there’s no excuse to not do this. I have time.

As for editing my own sh*t lmao. I keep pushing it off. Those f*cking windows, man.

[strange-spaghetti]

Urrr this is rough

Uploaded the shots. Cooked dinner. I already worked out… & walked, showered. I don’t want to hurt my body by overdoing it but it hurts so much to sit still.

Thoughts of never seeing him, thoughts of having something so good being ripped away from me.

The thought of us on the couch, him joking, saying he’ll get Allison tattooed on his forehead. Then he said he’ll get property of Allison above his dick. I said I wanted it on his rib. He asked why. I said I don’t know. He mentioned how he’s fat now. I said no, it’s just more body. He said I was so nice in a genuine inflection. I hope he has to catch himself when he’s with her, I hope he says my name, thinks of me. Realizes he does like me, he said it on the couch too. I don’t know what I did or said but he said it. I said something snarky back but I tripped on my words.

I can’t fucking stand this.

[eliakara]

Sneaker Pimps - Black Sheep

[strange-spaghetti]

Oo, I did not shoot well today. Too much ceiling in Every room shot. I’m wearing taller shoes, the owner was pissing me off, & I was cocky since I am really good with comp & exposure… but damn, yeah. & it sucks since this house was Gorgeous. I have never seen such white plush carpets. I really fucked up 😔

[strange-spaghetti]

I thought I didn’t have time to go to the gym today (I did a tour on a lunch break on Friday & got a week free pass) I haven’t been able to make it before close after work so I’ve been doing my thing at home (ran yesterday to the point I almost vomited in public 👍🏻)

I did yoga & already did my make up but I Did have time to go to the gym & now I’m f*cking festering until my hour drive to a job. If I sit still I will hear the f*cking screams in my head.

[strange-spaghetti]

Maybe I’m seeing things but the handsome videographer at work who resembles adtr dude came back since an SD card was listed as zero in our inventory & then our dead head vet photographer comes back & goes “ohh I didn’t know you were ~ back here with with Allison~ ” since he was talking at me while he walked up & then he leaves & says something & nudges our videographer coworker & like… that was kind of just a fun & nice little thing like I’m something that’s considerable as fucking crazy as that sounds. Of course I am 💅🤪

Him & I already sized each other up when I first started here & it’s not a right fit but there is occasional cuteness there. & I already told my work partner I wouldn’t mess around because it would get messy & put weird vibes at work.

Just a cute moment.. I think. Unless I’m seeing & hearing things.

[strange-spaghetti]

My photographer mate at work wants me to take performative athletic portraits of him & we have a studio date set. i love that he asked me. He knows how to bounce light unlike me & I have no idea how to intentionally sculpt light but I will. Super stoked for this. Definitely doing low key & angular. We’re thinking b/w too even though his skin has a beautiful tan. We’ll see.

[strange-spaghetti]

1am & I can’t sleep. Took creatine & exercised too close to bed time. I’m screaming in my head & I feel this need to run & I see where I was outside his building waiting for him & it’s like I was hearing the screaming inside my head now then.

“They’re birds. You’ve never heard birds before?”

[strange-spaghetti]

It’s like the shock rebooted ny body & I’m back to listening to Depeche Mode & Cocteau twins lmao.

[strange-spaghetti]

I got booked for three more clients already. Dude I’m honestly so stoked. I know some of these houses are a pain & I always feel bad about how sh*tty our practices are not using flambient or any type of lighting other than practical & available light. Other than that. Hell yeah, dude.

I do need to manage my files though. I need to just edit & get a collection going for a portfolio asap. Discard the multi exposures & keep just One HDR image for each shot.

In time I’ll learn proper lighting & natural looking HDR editing & make hella money with a different company 👅👅👅

[strange-spaghetti]

Still in bed but it’s not even 8am yet. I do have a shoot at 2:30 & need to get things done beforehand.

Yesterday at work I tell my work partner everything & we talk & laugh. I’m making light of it but physically my nervous system is shot & every time he walks away the rumination starts & f*cks my heart rate up & I feel impulsive. I did do a semi long text. I take my break with my photographer mate & we get food at Aldi & sit outside the back of his jeep. Story time / tea. He is so comforting & endearing, doesn’t sugarcoat but also knows where I’m coming from… this was the first time I told him about one of the videographer’s main kink (no way in fuck I can’t use his name right now are you kidding 🙄. So stupid)

I receive long flattering texts from hipster date guy but can’t write back. I don’t get a response from Him until several hours later & he’s not telling me real reasons but he’s keeping me on the hook & telling me he needs time. Lmao my hand is shaking rn. So fucking stupid.

I say I know what I want. I say I’m okay & accept my circumstance. Like if I want the guys I’m attracted to, I have to put up with their bullsh*t…. In bed I was thinking delete his number again. Do another hiatus with the intention of being a better self, get conventionally more attractive (lmao so dumb), give myself a burst of growth with my goals & make myself too busy, too important & hopefully wanted by someone else I want too that he never comes back into the picture. I don’t know Nick’s full situation, whether he’s choosing her over me, I don’t know anything. I only know two things & can only speculate. I can’t break my heart or go crazy trying to dig my heels in over speculation. & really I shouldn’t have been spying in the first place. Still a good thing in my eyes I did but yeah, I have inner & outer work to do & I’m accelerating it now. I’m not putting in low effort with myself anymore. 

[strange-spaghetti]

… prettty sure it was Travis Richter or maybe Derek Bloom (leaning more toward richter, maybe he recognizes that we’ve messaged before) but their side project followed me & liked an Anthony green photo lmao. I can do pics for from first to last plzzz don’t even have to pay me just have me along 🥲🥲🥲

[strange-spaghetti]

Maybe this is how I get my summer body 🤪✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻

But maybe this is a good thing. Sometimes even when he texts me nothing single texts once in a blue moon I get all romantic in daydreams about him. After last night I definitely would have walked away feeling like something could change with us… this breaks the rose colored glasses & illusion of him ever being there for me.

[strange-spaghetti]

So fucking lame

My bed is so painful to be in, so fucking lonely, it feels so wrong to not be snuggled in his with us wrapped in each other I’m so fucked up right now. I keep thinking of him kissing my nose.

… pools just opened up last week. He’s actually hanging out with his casual partner. What we planned & I fucked up a year ago. I don’t get to have that with him & im crying because I’m not getting his fucking 2% effort & will be back to his absence & silence. So fucked up.

[strange-spaghetti]

Okay, I have a house to shoot.

[strange-spaghetti]

A Song from Under the Floorboards by Magazine played at one of the bars I went to with the hipster podcast theatre guy from ig (who was being sweet & nice, calling me beautiful & there I f*cking was counting time) & that song is associated with a really horrible time in 2021/‘22 with the ex. So it is trauma related… I have it stuck in my head & I played it driving back home… had to put on Alison by Slowdive & Alice by Cocteau Twins just because I was in such shock & sorrow. Playlist went in that direction. Put on Recluse by Cursive.

I’m never going to be felt for & wanted by Nick Bodie. & as I looked at my date I just felt like a toxic shallow woman knowing I don’t fit nice guys, I fit fuck boys & narcissists. I do this to myself. & I still claim I’d rather have it this way.

I want my thumb on a lip & in a mouth, I want to lay on a bathroom floor with my pussy in a gorgeous face. I want to be cuddled & kissed by a gym hoe bro covered in tattoos & only thinking of his music or art or next best thing that apparently isn’t fucking me. I want that fucking dirty sensuality & passionate lust…. & because I want it so bad, I allow myself to be brokenhearted & sick & shaking with my nervous system going fucking haywire.

I am an insect…. I’m not proud as hell of that fact though.

[strange-spaghetti]

My memories are already gone of last night & im operating on like 2 calories so im sure my brain is f*cked.

But major f*cking heartbreak & I absolutely need a therapist after last night

I’m to meet an ig friend. I’ve told him before that there are other guys & it would just be a platonic friendship. I guess that was forgotten & I didn’t help matters. Cool dude. We talk. I was cold & he offered his jacket (mistake 1) but I left mine as an excuse to end the night early if things weren’t cool… I needed the jacket if I was going to stay out late enough… late enough to see Bodie. I asked both Zeke & Bodie (example of needing therapy #2) Zeke couldn’t leave work early enough. Bodie said yes but if I could push to midnight. I just had to hang out for midnight. But the hang out with the ig dude is fine, he invites his friends & they’re really cool dudes who do audio for broadway/theatre & they tour with the productions. Love their stories. At midnight we part. Dude goes in for a kiss & we do twice. So it ended up a date. He’s cute, good looking but not my style nor personality. I like very sexy low effort self centric egomaniacs, remember??

So while Bodie & I confirm times. I get there. I hear screaming. Apparently a bird. He mocks that I didn’t know what it was. He asks me “so what’s his name?” He touches me more than last time. We talk a bit. In the doorframe of his bedroom we kiss & he moves down, kissing my stomach, taking my clothes off. We move it to the couch which was really sexy & beautiful. Me straddling him as we kiss. Head that was really f*cking nice. Gave him head. Ends up 69 on the couch. I sit on his face & stroke him, make him stroke him so I can watch. We lay back & we talk about doing one of his kinks. I’m tracing my thumb over his lips & putting it inside his mouth. I ask him to bite but this is the moment that is so significant to me, it felt different. But we go to the bathroom. Can’t do it in the common way so we go the taboo route which instead of it being sexy for me, I felt… instant bonding. We lay on the bathroom floor my thighs by his chin, leaning back on his body with my head at his *ss “so your using my balls as your pillow”. Sex is really good. Multiple positions, the touching felt natural. I don’t cum. But it felt really good, no pain just pleasure. Anal of course & he cums. We lay, talk a bit l, I scratch his back & we sleep. In the morning we cuddle & kiss. I’m wrapped in his arms & this is what I loved about him & I’m glad the memories are gone because yeah, this is heaven being in his arms & kissed. He hits snooze & we have more time to cuddle & for me to lay on his chest. Time comes he has to get up & get ready for work. He’s in the shower. I snap my sneaky pics but then I do something stupid… I go in his drawer where I know he keeps lube & condoms. I’ve spied in there before. Before there were his briefs, pot, condoms & lube. This time he has vibrators, the tiniest anal plug (that’s unwashed after use) & a woman’s bathing suit. I’m gutted & now I’m sick, it hurts, my heart feels like it’s been brutally squeezed, my stomach is an acidic pit & my thoughts were peeling what I saw apart. All these imagined things with this other girl who is getting his time, attention & effort & I have to beg for it. Beg to be seen by someone I am so f*cking comfortable with that I will let the f*cking farts come out when I pee with him there like I feel so f*cking comfortable to be with him & feel connection & chemistry. & I can’t imagine having this with anyone else but for him it’s nothing & can be given to anyone. It’s his personality that does this that he shares with others & I know these girls love him too. It’s easy to.

But as I decide I’m gonna go, I hug him & he really kisses me & he gropes & touches me which is a different goodbye than usual. But I am hurting & upset & so in my head & I don’t want to start sh*t. But we say our goodbyes & I say something I don’t even know what I said but something like don’t be a stranger, I said bullsh*t about him being busy & I almost self deprecatingly say some sh*t like I hope you make time for me or when you have time I hope you make that time for me some stupid self pity comment & I leave him wet in his towel his head peaking out the bathroom. He says “well that was the most backhanded goodbye”

I don’t care he’s f*cking other girls. It’s that fucking bikini top that is absolutely destroying me.