Lonely and Terrifying and Unfair and Fleeting

Poetry sideblog Blog title is from Welcome to Night Vale Header and avatar are mine

[strangely-still]

ABSTRACTION (n.)

The act or process of abstracting or the state of having been abstracted

An abstract concept, idea, or term

ABSTRACTED (adj.)

Withdrawn in mind; inattentive to one's surroundings

If you are considering suicide, click the link below

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[strangerconnection]

you know, i don't remember

[strangely-still]

At eight I came close to drowning A riptide; I didn't know how to escape I only survived because my uncle swam out to help I remember the terror of my exhaustion Of knowing I couldn't swim forever And knowing I would die if I let myself rest

I want to rest I need to read "How to Keep House While Drowning" Because the chores pile up forever No matter how hard I try to escape Or to fight through the exhaustion Nothing seems to help

My medication doesn't help I'm tired even when I rest I don't know the source of the exhaustion I just feel like I'm drowning A sensation I can't quite escape I can't deal with this forever

It won't be forever But that knowledge doesn't help If I swim parallel, will I escape? What will happen if I rest? A suffocating pain accompanies drowning To replace the pain of exhaustion

A leaden, aching exhaustion That seems to last forever So much needs doing and I am drowning I need help Because sinking isn't rest But it offers an escape

Sometimes you can't escape And you gain strength from your exhaustion But that also requires that you rest You just get injured when you try to keep going forever And that doesn't help It just prolongs the drowning

When did I stop seeking rest and start looking for an escape? I'm not sure I ever stopped drowning. My legs keep kicking through the exhaustion Nothing lasts forever. I just need to keep my head above water long enough to call for help

[strangely-still]

"I know you were going through it. it's okay"

The message made me cry more than I have in over a year.

So much more exists within those nine words than I can translate.

It's not okay. I was going through it. I don't know how you can forgive me so easily for the cruelty I inflicted while in pain.

We talked about minecraft and bad movies and riffed off each other's mediocre shark jokes like nothing had happened. Like, despite everything, we're still cut from the same cloth.

[strangely-still]

"16/04/16 (Jack's Song)" – Cavetown

I remember the view out the back of the car Left the front door wide open Maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be goin' I didn't realize it'd be so hard You and me, sittin' on the trampoline I think one time we fell asleep Woke up and felt like it'd been weeks And now it truly has been (Forgive yourself) It wasn't meant to be but it's funny how Life dealt this cheat To someone who could handle it so well

And while you sleep in the pouring rain Just know I'll be with you someday And I'll have a good one till then Just like you told me

I wish we could’ve played that game sometime I wish we’d talked more online I’m glad you liked my picture I stuck it up inside my locker Becoming disconnected really puts into perspective How important every friend is who makes you wanna live And this time it’s okay To cry

Black sweatpants and pasta with ketchup When your sister ate the slug it was the grossest thing ever Collecting beetles in the garden together You're welcome anytime in my dreams

Muddy hands and climbing trees Sink tall while we brush our teeth Striped shirts and hide and seek It's all coming back to me And while you sleep on a sunny day Just know I'll remember you always And no matter how much it hurts It's not goodbye, just see you later

And while you sleep in the pouring rain Just know I'll be with you someday And I'll have a good one till then Just like you told me

[strangely-still]

It moves forward. The people you knew you no longer do. A decade of friendship, now changed through distance and difference. Still there, but not as it was.

You've grown apart. No pausing, no rewinding, it only moves forward. There was a time when I would tell you everything and we talked every day. I haven't sent you pictures of my new piercings. You haven't wished me a happy birthday. Our lives don't intertwine like they used to.

Everyone talks about break ups, about betrayals and harsh words and clear knife marks splitting a friendship, but our lives have disentangled themselves and it hurts.

Once, we were like brothers. Now we are high school friends.

[strangely-still]

Withdrawals from Clonidine

May cause some mood swings

Or impact your sleep

Or lead to increased

Feelings of stress and of anxiety

You may notice depression

Anger, frustration

And, worth a mention

The known connection

To things like rebound hypertension

[strangely-still]

It's that time of night again, when the body mistakes exhaustion for apathy. Every idea you have now seems bland and insubstantial, hollow excuses for true creativity. The idea of sleeping repels you, even as your brain begs to shut down.

Somewhere, in the back of your nervous tissue, sparks that emotion you can't name. The one that makes you feel sick, and fills you with a morbid fascination for a dread you can't name. You need to represent it, create a context that will transmit that feeling into something communicable. You've been trying for years, writing stories of death and mixing together different ratios of dread and attraction in your art, yet you've never quite managed to grasp what lays at its core.

Disgust. Horror. Enjoyment.

You draw and sketch and paint a thousand images of blood and intestinal gore and stretched, distended monsters. You read a hundred stories of horror romance. You spend two months in psychosis with false memories of your childhood. You keep lists of words that match the hollow manic intensity of emotions so strong they flip to their opposites, the painted concrete of a wall so hot it feels cold against your palm.

You wonder.

And then you slip the curiosity back into the pocket of your brain and get on with your life. You go to sleep, and when you wake up you forget about the strange emotion you can't name.

[strangely-still]

My dreams have been changing, recently

I sometimes keep up with assignments

I'm less of a ghost and more of a second attempt

Or third, or fourth, but new again

[opiumvampire]

this one. fuck this poem.

[strangely-still]

Roiling in my gut

When I think of who I am

The identities I've considered

That have caused so much pain

I've always been dissociative

I've always felt mixed up

Maybe more than one, but perhaps only alone

Craving imaginary friends

Ghosts to have my back

And now my favorite podcast

That got me through the loss of family

Feels tainted by the guilt

Desecrated by the shame

[strangely-still]

I'm sorry

I know I push away

Lock you out and then complain

About how you never really know me

Isolation burns hot as betrayal

Warping my bones into sharp, angry shapes

The confusion catches up to me

I never knew the source

Just wondered what made life seem so worth living for everyone else

Every little problem, a straw to break my back

I wanted you to love me enough to undo it

All the ostracization I didn't know how to recognize

To make me feel valuable and wanted

I suppose a sister can only do so much

You shouldn't break your spine to spare mine

My emotional expectations hold no basis in reason nor fairness

I don't know what went so wrong to turn me into this

Caring parents, financial stability, taught properly to emotionally regulate

And still the anger burns white hot

My gut tells me to leave and not come back

The bacteria in my intestines speak of betrayal and pain and misunderstanding

I don't know how to fix it

When I don't know what the issue is

Yes, bullying, trauma, neurodivergence

Leading to psychosis

I understand the clinical words

I recognize the delusion, false memories

Still I'm hurt you didn't believe me

My emotional expectations bear no resemblance to reality

[strangely-still]

You said You miss the nature in the North-West So we made you An air freshener forest With thumb tacks We hung above your bed And you went to sleep In a bunk bed

When they say "Be brave" They mean "Brace for impact" And "You'll be okay" Means "Mostly intact"

You said You missed the weather where you were from So we built for you A halogen lamp sun And you woke up With a tan

When they say "Be brave" They mean "Brace for impact" And "You'll be okay" Means "Mostly intact"

And you hung a map in your room With two tacks in it You tied a string between them and said "This one is where I'm from "And this one "It's just where I am"

When they say "Be brave" They mean "Brace for impact" And "You'll be okay" Means "Mostly intact" When they say "Be brave" They mean "Brace for impact" And "You'll be okay" Means "Mostly intact"

— A "Pop" Song by Scarves

[strangely-still]

Falling Star

Wish on a falling star

Will you find out how to finish what you start?

Maybe that's just who you are

You know it isn't gonna get you far

Picking at your scars

Are you gonna smash a lock with a crowbar?

You know that you could probably crash your car

And you'd probably still be playing air guitar

Tell me what you want

You said night time is your favorite time to hunt

Cuz there's no one there to see you come undone

And it's okay to feel a bit nostalgic

Let your daydreams sink and bleed until they're graphic

All that you can see is simple magic

All that you believe is simply tragic

Tell me what you want

Sometimes I can't tell if you are anyone

Cuz you always try to hide away your thumbs

Until all that you can see is made of sunlight

Nothing that you breed is ever done right

Wish on a falling star

That you'll find a way to find out who you are

It's okay for you to have a change of heart

You don't have to tear yourself apart

And maybe, baby, while you're walking through the traffic

See if you can see things in the static

Don't you know that nothing really matters

Someday all the concrete will be scattered

Wish on a falling star

Cuz you're falling down now too and you fell hard

And you landed right back at the start

Nothing to do now but get back up

[strangely-still]

There's a longing in my bones

I've had it as long as I've known

That magic pencils don't exist

And the stars are not my home

I could not tell you why

It fascinates my mind

To think of things like this

That can never be my life

Or no, not think, for that implies

I simply like to fantasize

And I do, but this thing leaves me

With a feeling much like grieving

For there are no magic doors

That lead to hallways to explore

I only have my life

And it leaves me wanting more

[strangely-still]

The thing I want doesn't exist

And Christ it hurts to feel like this

Bone-deep aching in my soul

How, again, does one feel whole?

(I've read a thousand stories where)

I used to play with my friends' hair,

(The night feels safe in a bed shared)

But that was then and that was there

And now I'm all grown up at last

My closest friends stayed in the past

If I pretend my house is haunted

Maybe the ghosts will make me wanted