because albus and scorpius' patronus' aren't confirmed, there are a bunch of different headcanons for what they may be, and they are all valid because it's up to interpretation.
BUT nothing can match the absolute hilariousness of albus and scorpius' patronus being a scorpion and asp, respectively.
like, imagine, okay. when scorpius manages to produce a corpeal patronus and it's an asp, let's be real, he's not going to recognize that it is an asp specifically because I highly doubt snake species were scorpius' taste for hyperfixations. so, he sees it's a snake is like "oh for slytherin, i guess" and goes about his day. then in his DADA class, there's this one student who knows a ton about snakes (watch it be a gryffindor, I love irony) is like "ummmmmmm that's an asp 🤓☝️" and everyone is giggling and oooooooing and it has not yet clicked for scorpius. he sees everyone making their eyebrows dance and is like, "you guys good 😭" and no one tells him shit. anyways he's going about his day with albus, and everything is dandy and full of homoerotic tension. that night, scorpius sees on one albus' papers, and he wrote his name as "ASP." when scorpius inquires him, albus is like "mate those are my initials, albus severus potter is a mouthful, " and only THEN does it click for scorpius and he's sitting there going "oooooooohhhhhh" in his brain.
meanwhile, for albus, when he sees that scorpion patronus, he clocks it immediately and goes in a full-on gay crisis. like it is bad, yall, it's so embarrassing. because he thinks his feelings are unrequited, resolves that scorpius can NOT know. anyways, he's in DADA and everyone is producing their partronus' and albus absolutely refuses to do it in class, so albus fakes sick and teacher, who's absolutely done, is like "fineeeeee leave." anyways, albus rocks up to the hospital wing, and she's like,"dude. nothing is wrong with you. go back to class." but albus is a menace when he's determined, so he sees the stairs and flings himself down them billy-loomis-style and breaks something for real. a few minutes later he's hobbling to the hospital wing, and despite the pain, he's smug as fuck. after treating albus, madame pomfrey starts drafting her resignation letter. (while all this is occurring, Scorpius produced his patonus in class).
anyways, a couple days later, albus is FORCED to at LEAST TRY to produce his patronus in front of the class. and after much cajoling and threatening, he does. and it's a scorpion. and after witnessing scorpius' asp patronus days ago, the class is going absolutely WILD. theres hollering and there's gasp of astonishment and everyone's teasing them, and basically it's what albus feared.
BUT scorpius has connected the dots with the asp patronus and the Scorpion patronus, so he produces his patronus in front of albus and albus sees that it's an asp!! anyways they have a musical montage where they confess and look at each other dreamily and kiss after class.
Can we actually talk about this part in Cursed Child?
Not about the proposal, not about them being softies marrying each other again as it had been discussed at length by me in a voice so pitchy that bats flew in. No, I want to talk about Ron “reading” about marriage renewal. Because it begs the question what is Ron reading? Is my man reading Witch Weekly and just having discussions with his sisters in law about feelings, patriarchy and other stuff? Making his brothers hate him because their wives are like “Ron is so soft and understanding why can’t you be more like him?” or is he reading some romantic novels he borrowed from Hermione?
hmmm do you perhaps have any rose and/or granger-weasley family headcanons that you're willing to share with the audience 🎤 🎤🎤
bless you nkem for dragging me back to my roots as a headcanoning account and YES I INFACT DOOOO
rose:
sometimes i forget that white rose is also canon, but to me she's black. and also ginger. don't ask how both can be true, just is.
literally is her mother 2.0, but has her dad's sass. and she got ron and hermione’s combined anger so like,,, jesus.
was extremely tall as a child and would bully people for being small but then stopped growing when she was fourteen and everyone caught up to her and surpassed her (karma)
had braces when she was an adult
out of all the wotters she had the most pride and arrogance. to the point where she can be clumsy and nerdy as shit and if someone laughs at her she throws the biggest hissy fit
this is why albus and her got along so well. because he also doesn’t like getting teased and the whole family would act as if rose and albus were crazy for getting upset at harmless jokes
looks very young. like a teenager even until shes thirty
biggest most beautiful brown eyes you’ve ever seen like literally
she’s either the most stylish with 110% effort or she’s coming in mismatched pyjamas with no bra, not even 0% effort its in the negatives
her room is always always always filthy
gryffindor chaser until she graduates. never was quidditch captain cuz she was too scary, but was vice captain cuz shes great at ordering people around (she doesn’t even have to try that much, they just listen to her)
similarly she’s just such a leader. people gravitate to her or purposefully avoid her for this reason
like this is the reason why hugo is so damn uncontrollable because he grew up with rose as an older sister and hermione as a mum. no one compares to them.
even ron defers to rose 💀 granger-weasley family is a straight matriarchy
suchhhh a menace as a child lol would cry about being teased and then turn around and call albus’ best friend ugly to his face (she doesn’t actually think she’s teasing, because she’s not joking. she’s being deadass. she’s saying this all very matter-of-factly. “scorpius has very big teeth. not a bad thing it just puts his whole face off balance and makes him look uncanny. not a bad thing just very unnatural. not a bad thing just your friend is visually unappealing.” it’s actually so much worse).
then she learns what ✨inside voices✨ are. but she still struggles. bless.
annoying feminist valedictorian that half the schools hates just because shes a successful black girl that has twice the IQ as them. literally hermione all over.
has personal beef with veggies
started joining in on wotter banter when her frontal lobe developed because it was always a pride thing for her, and that grew into steel. shes not gonna bother cracking the shits when roxanne calls her an unc but she won’t hesitate to rip a new ass into somebody if they overstep with her
look. i keep forgetting this is not canon because she acts so much like it in text but this girl HATES boys. og misandrist. never got the hype about men (*cough* lesbian *cough).
both her and polly got into kpop as a joke but now she genuinely really likes it (newjeans fan number one… which.. rest in peace for that 😭)
links up with polly in the most random of places. like they hang out during polly’s church on sunday mornings whilst she’s praying and rose is sitting next to her on the pew like 🙂 or just in one of those underpasses underneath the train thats filthy with moss and stuff
idolises her mum so much likes shes such a mama’s girl despite the mummy issues she may have. hermione and her are locked in fr. twinnem.
doesn’t date whilst shes in hogwarts cuz she believes shes better than 90% of the people there. but maybe she’d experiment in her last year just to check shit off her before-grad bucket list
granger-weasley family:
matriarchy next question
idk if this is actually canon or just heavily implied but ron definitely quit being an auror to be a dad when hermione was pregnant with rose
rose was going to be named aurora but ron had this dream of this little curly haired toddler girl and him calling her rose, so he made the dream a reality 🥹 (rose is so pissed when she finds out she couldve been AURORA. hugo is more pissed when he finds out he would’ve been named aurora too if he had been a girl).
ron’s known as the chess master supreme and im sorry but rose and hugo are absolutely shit compared to him so at every weasley hang out, rose would make all her cousins queue up to see if anyone could beat ron and she facilitates this with a list so no one sneaks back into line after ron inevitably beats them. hugo commentates and hermione refs 😭
hermione refs everything in the granger-weasley household actually even when ron is arguing with one of the kids, they will all turn to her for a final verdict (she’s usually on the “apologise to your father” side but bless)
rose and hugo have cousins on the granger side but theyre not so super close to them cuz theyre like,,, second cousins yk.
back when rose and hugo were super young and hermione was really busy with ministry work, it would just be him and the two kids lots of the time and he’d try to do cute things like taking them to picnics or to the beach. but then he’d forget to do simple shit like putting a cooling charm on the sandwiches or packing towels and he would get soooo upset hugo and rose would try to cheer him up 😭 hugo would probs pick weed flowers for ron or give him broken shells or some shit
also ron is definitely that one dad who is ALWAYS surrounded by mums who volunteer at their kids’ schools or help out at their daughters dance recitals. like he is literally the only man there its hilarious
all the single mums clearly Want him too and every time hermione pulls up and she’s hit with one of the “youre sooooo lucky your husband helps out whilst youre soooo busy with work 😗” she gets premonitions of sending The BirdsTM after them too
when hugo goes to hogwarts rose forces him to have wednesday meals with her so they can have time to catch up. so i dont think rose and hugo ever really drift apart even there is a bit of an age gap. plus i imagine theyre both gryffindors so theyre always chilling in the common room too.
ron is super love dovey with hermione in front of their kids its the most disgusting thing to them. like get away from our mother you freak.
hermione and ron take baby rose and hugo to the cinema for kids movies and hermione is the one who manspreads and sleeps through 80% of it and ron is always trying not to be so moved into tears by the end
ron taught hugo how to crop dust
rose and hugo are somewhat used to people shit talking their mother because she’s literally the president, so they get pissed off but theyre kind of used to it. but do NAWTTT disrespect their father without expecting to catch a stray
hermione yaps about her kids and husband allllll the time to her colleagues in the office. shes so proud of them for just like,, existing. she will build them up as the gods amongst all children. they all know everything about rose and hugo but rose and hugo no jackshit about them.
ron keeps all of his kids’ pieces of art and school projects and baby teeth and shoes and friendship bracelets. if hermione even thinks of throwing some away (she likes a clean house) she will have to fistfight ron and suffer his days-long silent treatment (hugo and rose dont care half the time, its literally just ron who wants to keep everything).
ron does the mum thing where he pees in the dark with the door open and everyone just has to ignore it
hermione runs every parent volunteer bake sale like the military. one of the kids tried to haggle her and they were at the stalk for like 40 minutes before they mutually agreed to lower the price by 40 cents. rose was soooo embarrassed.
hugo would offer to massage hermione’s shoulders when she got back from work so he can be a good little son but he was absolutely shit at it and would get his skinny fingers and jab them into her joints to get out ‘the knot.’ it hurt her more often than not but hermione would always agree to it and say hes amazing through tears of agony
rose wanted matching hair with ron as a kid
when ron got the joke shop and hermione had rose it was literally just a shop for making babies life for the next few years until hugo grew up and george duelled him to return the shop back to its old glory
ok thats all ive yapped sm it took me like months to make this post im so sorry.
hpng characters and how they study for exams because im literally dying rn
rose- academic weapon. need i say more. she has the pomodoro technique down pat. she’s the girl at your local library claiming an entire table with an outlet to herself so she can plug her chunky ass laptop into it and make sure it doesn’t explode on her. she has a sugary iced drink near her at all times but she only takes a sip when she feels she’s deserved it. she eats dinner at 1am because she will not let herself move from her desk until she’s completed the practicals she has laid out in front of her. but trust that she’s losing hair and she’s greasy asf and her short fuse is basically nonexistent. she’s also always randomly sick during exam prep, but her symptoms are never bad enough to warrant a doctor’s visit, it’s only hella inconvenient so she’s chugging neuyrofen and vitamin c like her life’s on the line. no special consideration for her. when she experiences one minor setback (technical malfunction, stubbed her toe, bit her tongue etc) she starts angry crying immediately. just don’t speak to her during exam time, she’ll slap you for breaking her concentration.
albus- exam period what exam period. what are you talking about. these assignments aren’t worth half of his grade what do you mean. you’re telling him the essay was due at 5pm today and not 11:59………………. number one— doesn’t cope well at all. in denial until the twenty-four hour mark before his assignments are due and then will lock in as hard as he can but it is absolutely not a pretty process. so don’t even talk to him about it before then. number two— it’s not like he was relaxing during swotvac (idk the british term for swotvac leave me alone) period, my boy was stressed asf he was just procrastinating. you know when you’re too stressed to do literally anything. albus is a prisoner during exam period free my boy. he can’t study, he can’t relax. when he fucks up because of his poor time management he will psychoanalyse everything about himself and convince himself he’s the stupidest mammal to walk on two legs with five fingers. the mental abuse he puts himself through after submitting the shittiest 2000 word essay is crazy. but he is an affront to the english language (he’s surprisingly alright at exams cuz he’s really good at bulshitting, just don’t make him write anything longform 😭 he can’t back up his impassioned opinions with any evidence ok)
victoire- she is the influencer on studytok that makes studying for eight hours straight look like the most aesthetically pleasing pastime ever. her skin is clean, her hair is washed, her clothes are pressed, her eating and sleeping schedule is routine. she’s so not real.
james- most people think he’s an academic weapon because most people will just see the results he gets at the end of the marking period and conclude he’s hella smart. but if they saw the type of basement-dwelling creature he turns into during the study period they would be horrified. he doesn’t touch grass, he doesn’t leave his room, his lips are chapped asf. in fact his room is growing into a whole new ecosystem to account for the cave-dwelling lifestyle james has going on. he’s got the most psycho routine ever, no sane person would replicate this. he’s so mad-scientist-scribbling-incoherent-observations-at-his-barely-lit-desk-at-midnight core. he never sleeps, he only has intervals of three hour naps so it doesn’t disrupt his sleep inertia. friends can’t text or call or reach out to him— he’s on dnd for the next two weeks. you’d think he died. his siblings think he’s doing cocaine in his room to keep himself up. there is the occasional james sighting around 5am where he may trudge out of his room like a night stalker to make himself tea. his face is gaunt and ghostly and his body is brittle and awkward. don’t speak to him because he’s not going to respond he’s too busy spacing out through the entire exam period. if you do get a word out of him it’ll probably not be in a language understood in this world. best he keep to his room.
hugo- he’s absolutely broke yet the only way he can cope is through impulsive storms of online shopping and doing shopping hauls on his close friends. if he had it his way he’d wind down the night with some dti with the boys but hermione has that boy’s arse glued to the dining chair and she and rose are circling hawks scrutinising all of his answers and then insisting to mark his pracs for him. in all realness they do save him because his marks are always pretty good in the end.
teddy- simply did not study if the subject didn’t appeal to him. one of those woke students that truly believed that marks did not equate to worth. knew he would only feasibly want to pursue careers in the subjects he liked so would prioritise one or two subjects. motivational speaker to all his friends. actually didn’t let exams stop him from living his life. his speeches on the wotters aren’t so successful since a lot of them highkey gaf about their results. rose gets pissed off every time he tries with her. victoire politely ignores him. james is disassociating through the entire speech. he doesn’t even attempt it with percy’s kids. bad luck ted.
lily- if there is a person who is the exact type of person who isn’t built for studying, it’s her. she can get away with it at the start of her schooling, because she is quite smart, but when it gets serious its the biggest humbling ever. she just can’t lock in. she’ll have an exam the next day and suddenly she’s knocking on albus’ door and is willing and wanting to listen to him complain about Life Problem #218. she’s suddenly volunteering to help her mum garden and help her dad cook. she’s going to ‘study sessions’ with friends where she forces them to do anything but study. she’s binge watching shows with james. she’s picking up a new hobby in juggling. she’s attacked by a new hyperfixation she can’t get out of her head and she has to spend 6 hours a day looking at fanart. like girl go study. james will give her the most bomb (but lowkey psycho) tips on how to lock in and she’ll get motivated until she looks at her prac and sees an 8 mark short answer question. like goodnight she’s having a nap. also she eats everything in the fridge, no snacks are safe. fuck the no sugar rule fr. she’s not even hungry she just convinces herself she is so she can do literally anything else besides that 8 mark question waiting for her on her desk in her room.
dominique- would drop out.
scorpius- he’s a fucking freak because he probably likes the stress of exam period 💀 like he probs does feel stress about it, but since he’s always constantly stressed out this isn’t anything new to him. “i get to pour over all my in-detail notes i’ve written on all these subjects through the semester again?? and then do an assessment regarding the in-detail notes i have? yippee!!” his optimism is absolutely not shared by his peers but he’s so oblivious to it. he’s fantasising about what topic questions he’ll get and what his damn body paragraphs are going to be. he’s the guy seated behind you in the exam who unintentionally peer pressures you by requesting for another booklet because he’s written too much in the first. he’s the one joyfully skipping up to you after the test is over and excitedly asking for what you wrote about or what answers you got, and when he shares his responses with you, you realise his points were better or his answers were actually correct. and then he’s emailing his teachers every week asking for when the marks will be released because he’s just so excited. weirdo.
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