marta

just another anxious person on antidepressants that has nothing to say about life, but will try and say something anyway.

[stressedcombatboot]

watching Dakota Warren, drinking black tea and reading french literature

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living in France for a year, reading only french classics in their original language, going to cafés, making tea in the morning, looking to buy a new tote bag to take everywhere, hoping to make friends to visit the rest of the country... dreaming about my new boyfriend and how much I miss him everyday

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je t'aime c'est comme ça....

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currently reading Pooh and the philosophers to try and get into philosophy... and god I'm loving it.

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I keep thinking of what I've done and it's exhausting and I can't stop and I shall not stop; it's my punishment

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I'm scared my past mistakes will consume me

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I will have to live with myself for the rest of my life

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20.06.2022

today life seems bearable

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I am soft and hellish and all the things red

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once i was a girl now i am free. Because i finally found you my dearest love. Since i met you “i seemed to drink in a tranquillity to which i had long been a stranger” and now i am myself as long as im with you. “ i am dressed in mourning” for the death of my old self, of my decayed self, of the self that couldnt love; “my heart yearned to be known and loved” and “when i became fully convinced” of your love for me i discovered in myself a love so great for you that the possibility of one day having to leave you breaks my sweet heart. And even if i overthink and “a hundred times i would have wanted to leave but still i followed you, i stayed. Like i will stay tonight, tomorrow and the following days, all my life! Because i’ve never found in the company of someone esle a pleasure as fulfilling. And like this i will take the memory of you inside of me” and forever be loyal to you. And if i ever lose you, you know i will be crushed and not be able to eat, sleep and even live and peraphs thats not such a healthy response for loss but “it’s better worth being late for a chance of winning you than being in time for any other girl in the world. My brave girl, your honesty and pluck have made me a friend, and that’s rarer than a lover. So wont you give me a kiss? it’ll be something to keep off the darkness now and then”. “i am nothing in my soul if not obsessive” for you, i crave you, i want you, i need you, “i bore a hell within me, which nothing could exstinguish”. I need to know in your profoundest self what you think of me, how you love me, why you love me. Won’t you tell me? Or peraphs it is better not, because maybe i’ll discover that our love is not the same; but i’ve seen how you look at me, how you talk to me, how you caress me, “the sun and the heavens, who have witness my operations, can bear witness of my truth” and i know you care about me, i know i do, i do way more than that. “hasten then, my darling dearest, to return, that i may again feel myself somewhat at home, which i cannot do in your absence”.

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I love you. because you're always so kind to me, and you never let me down; without even trying you always know what to say. I love you. because you keep up with me even when I'm annoying, or don't know what to say, or say the wrong thing. because you know how to make me feel better and I don't even have to ask you; you're amazing in that way and you don't even have to try to be, you just are. I love you. and I love the way you say it to me, the way you say je t'aime, the way you say ti amo, the way you say the quiero. I love that you know all those languages to tell me all the ways you love me, knowing that's I can't do the same. I love you. and I love the way you're so expressive when you text, even when you're mad. and love the way you're funny, and I know I don't always get you but you don't mind you're just unapologetically yourself and I don't want you to change even a bit. because you're perfect like this in my eyes. I love you. and I love the way you touch me, the way you hold my hands when we're walking outside in public and you're not scared that we could be hate crimed just because we love each other. and I love the way you hug me when we finally see each other and even when we have to leave each other. I love you. I love the way you can make me feel good with your words, with your gaze, with your hands all over me, with your mouth on mine, on my neck on my everywhere. I love you. I love you because you always help me with everything, and you don't mind that you have to do it, because you don't have to do it but you do it anyways; you help me with my studies, you help me when I'm down, you help me to become a better person and even to become a better lover. I love you. I love the way you talk to me and the way you read my mind, I love that you always want to know how I'm feeling beacuse you care about me and my well being. I love you. because you remind me to take my meds and you motivate me always to be the better version of my self, the best I can be. you help me discover myself better than my therapist can. I love you. I love the way you just are, the way you cut your hair, the way you dress, I love how you dress, your style, your funny socks. I love your eyes, I can't stop looking in them, getting lost in them. I love when you're confident and even when you self doubt, about you're appearence and your capabilities. I love you. I love you. I love you. there are so many things that I love about you and a lifetime isn't enough to describe all that I love about you, but I tried and I hope it's enough. I love you.

[stressedcombatboot]

"I am too miserable, too low-spirited, to sick of the world and all in it, including life itself, that I would not care if I heard this moment the flapping of the wings of the angel of death"

Bram Stoker, Dracula

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reading your lover to sleep

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why must life be so complicated, is it not enough to warm up by my candles while I read my books?

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honestly I'd rather be eating bread right now

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I'm afraid and I am a woman

(am I a woman?).

am I afraid

because I'm a woman?

(but am I?).

the fact is

I'm afraid.

[stressedcombatboot]

I'm so close to jeopardize my uni career beacuse how can I know if it's really worth it?