rissa

they/she | 23 | writing and art

[stressedoutpixie]

day three.

we’re on our way home

today

getting on buses and planes

to get back

to a world without you in it.

it’s hasn’t quite sunk in

yet

that i’m not going to talk and joke

with you

unless we meet in the next life.

my phone is ringing, an unknown

number

and somewhere in my mind

it’s you

trying to tell me you’re alright.

i know it’s not you, but i still

listen 

to the voicemails that are

only rusting

hoping that your voice is there. 

the last conversation we 

had

was telling you i miss you and you

miss me more.

[stressedoutpixie]

wedding planning

i've found my person. my favorite part of every day is waking up and falling asleep next to her. she has the most beautiful eyes, the softest lips, the fullest laugh, and my whole heart in her hands. i can't imagine living my life with anyone else.

finding her was the easy part.

the hard part about wedding planning is watching the day of your dreams slowly turn into the day of everyone else's dreams. the hard part about wedding planning is having your best friend tell you that your dad isn't planning on walking you down the aisle. the hardest part is having neither of your parents ask you about your wedding plans after they spend an hour glowing and gushing about someone else's wedding.

so instead of waiting around, not knowing if my own parents are attending my wedding, we decided to elope. we're reclaiming our wedding.

but still. it burns. i look them in the eyes day after day, expecting them to congratulate me, say they're proud of me, say anything. they're silent. i think they believe that their silence is mercy for me. instead, i think it hurts the most. if they screamed at me, if they told me how they really felt, i'd at least have a reason to hate them. I can't hate them, though. because they still smile and say they love me, tolerate my "friend" coming on vacation with us. they still miss me.

except, they don't miss me. they miss the girl they moved into a dorm room four years ago. they immortalize her in facebook memories, reposted to my timeline every week.

when i get depressed planning my wedding, i miss her too.

[stressedoutpixie]

restless

i was restless before

i always needed more

to the point

i kicked in my sleep.

covers were skewed

my bed often nude

as i tossed and turned

all night.

all of my bedmates

spewed complaints

vowing

i sleep alone.

but now i have you

and somehow you knew

your presence would

soothe my wanderings.

[stressedoutpixie]

hi friends. this post is a lot and really just me doing my part to scream into the void so i can attempt to function. if you need to skip, i understand. i might need to skip too.

and i am sorry.

there is something grossly optimistic and desperately poetic about looking for an engagement ring. i know the stone; the material; the size.

i know my partner; her laugh; her eyes.

i don’t know if i will ever be able to slide that same engagement ring on her finger the day we get married.

this fact settled into my consciousness today.

i’ve been working instead of drinking, physical labor doing the same thing to me as alcohol would. instead of downing shot after shot, fire burning me from the inside out—

—i get up. i shower. i put makeup on my face. i pry open my eyeballs and press withered contacts into them. then i work.

i still come home crying, aching, and sick. i still come home and collapse immediately in bed to avoid the posts and headlines.

i know i am privileged. i know that for some people, it is a curse to have a uterus. please don’t let me convince you that i am suffering most. i am not.

but right now, i am fourteen years old in my bedroom, sobbing as my mom goes through text messages, and it is a curse to love again.

i am twenty-one years old in my bedroom, sobbing as i go through headlines, and it is a curse to love again.

i am seventy-five years old in a hospital bed, sobbing as my love fights to get in, and it is a curse to love again.

i am empty.

i am a charred corpse, rotting in tangled sheets and my future. i have burned myself alive just to escape, yet i still take rattling breaths and press withered contacts into my eyes.

i can see clearly. i can see nothing at all. i don’t know which is worse.

[stressedoutpixie]

reckless abandon

my nieces and nephews

are plunging themselves

into the ocean.

they are fully clothed,

dress clothes now soaked

by the briny waves.

they are reckless,

abandoning their senses

for the primal call of the sea.

my love for you

is just like that.

reckless abandon.

because i cannot ignore

your pull or your gravity,

the moon to the waves.

[stressedoutpixie]

soft

i have tried my whole life to be intimidating.

wearing black like a suit of armor, wearing platforms like they could help me rise above.

i wanted to be hard. untouchable. immovable.

but then i met you. you, with a loud laugh, bright eyes, and gentle hands.

you render me soft.

the blackness melts away, my need for intimidation gone. one look and my entire viscera is a gooey mass of warmth and sunshine.

with you, my face hurts from being cracked down the middle with smiles. my stomach aches from laughter.

everything is easy. you make everything easy.

i no longer feel the need to be callous.

[stressedoutpixie]

may there always

may there always be mornings

that we spend together;

waking up with sleepy eyes

and whispers just for us.

may there always be dinners

that we make together;

dancing while chopping veggies,

occasionally burning our meal. 

may there always be car rides

that we take together;

streetlights and tail lights

casting holy light on your face.

may there always be late nights,

may there always be laughter,

may there always be tight hugs,

may there always be. 

may there always be forever, 

because your always is my infinity. 

[stressedoutpixie]

gallery walls

my memory is poor,

sketchy at best,

but i want to remember

every moment with you.

each second i capture

with the camera of my mind,

and put each memory

in a gilded frame.

then i hang them

side by side

in the gallery

of my subconscious.

i walk through it

in the times i miss you most

each memory bleached by the sun

until it is only white.

[stressedoutpixie]

morning person

when i rise in the morning

my sun is her smile

even on the cloudiest days.

her voice,

laden with sleep,

are the birds announcing a beginning.

her kisses are my alarm,

her arms my morning cup of coffee.

i am not a morning person,

but i do not mind waking up

as long as it is by her side.

[stressedoutpixie]

silence

computers humming,

music warbling,

quiet companionship.

as we get to know each other more

we talk less and less.

words aren’t required to fill the

space

because the energy we have is

enough.

i used to hate silence

and the thoughts it would bring

but now i love the silence

as long as it’s with you.

[stressedoutpixie]

stained glass

i am so desperate

to see you in my life

that i find stained glass shards

of your light in everything

color, refracted and glowing

scattered through my day

pieces of heaven gifted to me

by the universe.

[stressedoutpixie]

i’m supposed to be paying attention in class

you’re not here

but i still feel you

pressed against my chest

your skin is soft

our legs intertwined

even though i’m all alone

my heart is aching

full of longing

to hold you close again

[stressedoutpixie]

soulmates

the ancient greeks were right—

soulmates were one body

that a god a split apart

because when i hold her

and my nose fits

to the contour of her jaw

and my hand matches

the curve of her waist

it feels like we were once

one soul, one body

split apart by a god

destined to find each other

again

[stressedoutpixie]

october 10th, 2021

sun filters through your eyes,

the sky trapped in mortality.

i am trapped in your gaze,

deep pools of color.

kaleidoscopic spheres

dangle from our necks.

finally, i am not afraid.

hands clasped,

unity.

standing together,

defiant.

proud.

[stressedoutpixie]

you

look at you.

you are the art in museums,

marble and paint,

skill and inspiration.

look at you.

you are venus and olympia,

sensual and soft,

bold and unapologetic.

look at you.

you are music sung at midnight,

sweet and quiet,

raw and honest.

look at you.

you are delilah and rose,

pretty and kind,

surprising and perfect.

look at you.

mine.

[stressedoutpixie]

patchwork quilt

your arms draped around my waist like

satin on my skin.

your touch is light and easy—

freshly washed linen.

i can hear your laugh in my memory like

chiffon blowing in the wind.

nose and eyes crinkled—

crushed velvet.

your words are a comfort like

fleece blankets during winter.

your thoughts are enveloping—

gilded brocade.

[stressedoutpixie]

october 4th, 2021

swaying gently, two trees in the wind.

we are entwined,

dancing.

time moves as if it is molasses.

my memories are sweet and golden,

honey.

food simmers, bubbling excitement.

spices waft through the air,

enticing.

her smile is a beam of sunshine.

laughter harmonizing with song,

lovely.