TOA Why brainrot

And I’m so tired of my other blog being censored // MAY have NSFW content (so please watch out for the tags) Youhavebeenwarned

[stricklandermewmew]

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[stricklandermewmew]

Looking up Devin Kelley in her 20s is so unfair because

a) I now have a personal vendetta against Eddie bc holy shit she’s exactly my type fk you Eddie

b) desperately wanna see Shannon/Kim yuri please please please

[glovvv]

[geddyqueer]

the allegory of the cave

bucktommy, madney | 22k | M

Maybe he's the pivot or the hinge or the fulcrum on which the lever of this delicate and beautiful life they've all made together turns. Or maybe he's just himself. Does it matter?

Everyone left; Buck stayed. Years later a grudge is held, a secret is revealed, and a kid comes out.

my authorized sequel to @screamlet's the ship of theseus is done!

[screamlet]

I've reread the ship of theseus (and your post about jee in this universe) so many times since you posted it. It's so well-written, you're amazing.

I've had to stop myself from sending you asks about maddie, chim and hen, about scenarios where they would realise/regret/apologize because I know that's not the point of this particular story. "He doesn't want to be someone who forces someone else to stay when they want to go" - I've had to repeat that line to myself every time I start feeling angry at the other characters.

But I wonder if the following is a fair question to ask - maddie, chim, hen haven't fully "gone" from this buck's life. He sees them at least a few times every year and it must be obvious to him that no matter how much time passes, they believe he's still not A Fully Responsible Adult, that they don't see how happy and content and PROUD he is of the life he's made for himself. Since he has chosen not to cut contact, how does he process the constant reminders of their indifference and lack of interest? If I were him, I'd try to remind myself of all the people who do see me, the things I've built, etc, but I know I'd be annoyed at myself for noticing or resenting their judgement and narrow definitions. Does he reach a stage of acceptance where it doesn't affect him? Or does he just have to accept that this attitude from people he used to be so close to will always hurt sometimes?

Sorry for rambling, I hope this isn't a silly ask. And happy new year!

(this is more ship of theseus meta, word count about 3k. it's new year's eve and i'm feeling very philosophical and strangely chill, go figure.)

hi!!! this is NOT a silly ask and thank you for sending it!!! aaah i love the conversations that are coming out of this fic 🥲❤️

the short answer is: yeah. buck accepts things. sometimes he's okay with it and sometimes he's not, and he processes it by feeling how he's going to feel about it and then moving on to the next thing, because i think sometimes that's all someone can do: look something in the face, acknowledge it fucking sucks, and then step around it to keep living their life. we're all just bodies in motion.

anyway, the end of the year is actually a great lens through which to look at this because it's that time of year when you interact with people that only show up at special "gather around" times of year. that's not exactly the situation with buck and everyone. buck still sees chim and maddie on the regular when they drop off jee and baby nashville at his house. he sees hen and karen at birthday parties and the occasional bbq- friend stuff.

but it's the end of year that puts these relationships in perspective, and these meetups have good and bad years. (everything below takes place over the course of several years)

---

for a new year's eve thing, maybe chim and maddie/hen and karen alternate hosting at their respective places. i think they invite the usual suspects: athena and the kids, and buck and tommy. (ravi literally blocked chimney at one point in the story, and when ravi answers hen it's with a "thanks for the invite but i've got plans.") (god i hope more "recurring characters" are picked up along the way but i can't come up with them right now. maybe hen has some med school/doctor friends, or chim's desk job has some interesting people, or someone new at dispatch takes maddie up on the offer for a Fun Family New Year's.)

i think, to everyone's slight annoyance, buck and tommy don't stay the whole evening. they drop in earlyish, the kids lose their minds to see them, and then they leave at like, 10. and that's always the question: you're not staying? you have somewhere better to be? and tommy smiles big and bright with his hand on the doorknob while buck says they have a couple of more stops to make and that's so :) annoying :) but staying would be more annoying so they'll take the 30 seconds of discomfort as they make their excuses and head out the door.

before that though, there's two hours of seeing everyone and like, recapping the year. in a good year, tommy can hold down the fort and boringly talk about some new movie with chimney, mmhmm and wow that's interesting without losing his mind with the others, while buck goes off into the yard with the kids to be their favorite person for a while. he and tommy swap, too, because they all love uncle tommy who's bored at these parties, too. eventually buck and tommy come back to the adults to find out whether it's a good year or a bad year.

---

in a good year, the questions aren't invasive or judgmental. in fact, they're questions. they ask buck about the trips he and tommy have taken, where they want to go next year, whether he's heard from eddie, how's the 118 and harbor doing ("doing great, chugging along" "that's good!"), any exciting plans for new year's day, what else is going on. "oh, you know, just the usual stuff, taking it easy," buck says, and that's that.

when he and tommy are back in the car, they buckle up and look at each other. "that was okay," buck says. "yeah, that wasn't horrible," tommy agrees. then they drive off to visit other friends and wherever they're bringing in the new year.

it doesn't make for good tv: buck realizing that the best way to have a relationship with his "family" is to keep them at a distance from his "real" life (aka, his life). keep things shallow and simple, firmly in their realm of experience and interest. they're still his ride-or-die in those kinds of 9-1-1 style emergencies (and it's mutual; they would do anything for him, and for tommy, in a 9-1-1 style emergency), but when it comes to the low stakes interactions? he will come out onto the porch with a big smile and keep the door firmly shut behind him.

---

in a bad year, they want to come in, or buck (or tommy) have been lulled into a sense of security and they think it'll be fine to drop a crumb of their real life and everyone will act normal about it. of course they won't!

in a bad year, there's poking and prodding. there's questions about where buck and tommy went this year on one of their vacations, but they're not really questions. it's humorous conversational jabs the whole way down, and wrong-footedness, and honestly probably some jealousy as they explore the glimpse they've been given into buck and tommy's life. wow, you got away for HOW long? that's a lot. wish WE could step away from life for that long. i guess we could travel with the kids, we're always meaning to take a big family vacation overseas or somewhere, but it'd be NOTHING like what the two of you had. it's just different traveling with family, you know?

or there's questions about where they're headed after they leave/where they're celebrating the new year. maybe tommy explains that they're just going a couple of blocks over to their neighbor-friends, they're having a big open house thing- oh wow, an open house, the clean up on that must be nuts!!! starting off the year with all that MESS??? "well, no, we're adults and we clean up after ourselves, and stick around to get things in order, because they're our friends and we wouldn't do that to them even if it's after midnight." wow! sounds incredibly boring!!! buck laughs like, "we all do that, i know you guys do that after you hang out?" yeah but it's different!! we're family, those are just some people throwing a house party on new year's eve.

or there's questions about the station and buck will bristle VERY obviously about those, and shut them down even harder. come on, tell us something about ~the new 118. "don't know what to say, really, we're just chugging along." (old people love the phrase chugging along.) maybe chim or maddie use their insider info to bring up some call from the 118 or harbor that was super dramatic or didn't end well- not deliberately to make them feel like shit or cast doubt on buck or tommy as captains, but because it's something interesting to talk about. a moment when they were decidedly not chugging. and then they have to clench their jaws and struggle to talk about something personal, as important to them as their jobs, but the mood still turns.

oh, what, it's your house so now you can't do anything wrong? you can't have bad calls? that's part of the deal, man, that's what comes with the badge. didn't they tell you that in one of the leadership modules?

and buck can sometimes rush out and say something awful because he doesn't think about it, but tommy has the kind of slow-simmering anger that's really like he's sitting nearby sharpening knives and very deliberately tucking them into a drawer and sliding the drawer closed so they're out of sight/just barely out of mind. a bad year has buck getting angry, but the kids are here, athena and may and harry are here, etc. he thinks about people who have told him he loves to make scenes, he always makes things about himself, so: he doesn't say anything, as much as he wants to. he'll swallow it and shut down.

but tommy has quietly opened the drawer and pulled out a knife, or several, and just goes to town. "sorry i didn't want to talk about dismissing one of my pilots for improper behavior at your new year's eve party in front of your kids. sorry that evan didn't want to remind you that one of his engineers has been on medical leave since the summer because of a call he made that, yeah, he still feels like shit about, if you care. yeah, dispatch, as you would know our response times are way down because the county doesn't think it needs another full AirOps station, so it's harbor and only harbor with the rare hospital chopper dropping in to do me a favor. what other fun workplace stories can we trade? what about that big public funds corruption scandal, did that come across your desk, howie? hen, wasn't it leaked that your hospital enterprise is in the hole for roughly $125 mil? maddie, are you doing anything interesting lately?"

that's when one of the kids shrieks like stop fighting!!!!!! or athena does something like, everyone is going to separate parts of the house right now and getting it together, thank you. which is just enough time for buck to clear his throat and says, "actually, it's getting late and i heard some streets are closed nearby, so we should get going." and it's the easiest they've ever been out the door.

buck and tommy wait until they're like, 10 minutes away, before buck finally snaps and tommy snaps along with him.

"seriously? SERIOUSLY? did you have to-" "YES I HAD TO" "it would have passed, it always does!!! we just smooth things over and they would have-" "yeah they would have found something ELSE to pick at because it's one of those years where they remember how good you have it and they need to make sure you feel bad about it" "if i have it so good, why are we yelling at each other right now?? why am i so fucking mad at you?" "because i said what you NEVER want to say if you want to keep them in your life, and i think you LIKE IT when i do because it's this moment when you see what it'd look like if you DIDN'T have to be less than you are so they don't pick you apart, and then you feel like shit that you still can't be who you are and you still can't let them go" "go to hell, tommy. i don't want to go anywhere tonight." "fine, we won't go anywhere." "i'm just going to bed. i'm really angry. i don't want to talk to you for a while." "okay, don't talk to me for a while." "don't sound so happy about that" "i said a factual statement where i agreed with you, evan" "don't be condescending to me, tommy."

and tommy can't be anything but condescending in the moment, so he shuts his mouth and they keep driving. buck opens the window because it's hot and the silence is too loud. tommy drives and buck leans against his door, as physically far from tommy as he can get while being in the passenger seat, and they cool down.

"i'm sorry i said that. to you just now. if you want me to apologize to them for what i said-" "not really," buck admits. "it was shitty but i know them, especially chim, only take an argument or a shutdown as an answer. they don't really want conversation. just little facts, yes/no, the chance to talk about... whatever. they don't actually want me, or you." "evan." "i know that, okay? and it sucks. it sucks they're never going to change, and i have to keep showing my face if i want to see the kids, if i want to see my sister and make sure she's okay, and my friends, you know? we were friends. you were friends! it sucks. i'm sorry. if you don't want to come with me anymore, i get it." "do you want me to come with you? or do you want me to- not. sit these out, sometimes. you can always tell me if- like if i stress you out too much. if i make it worse." "i always want you there. i want you everywhere. but not if- if it's going to hurt, you know?" "of course it hurts. even good years, when we get in the car and high five because it's another year without snapping at anyone, it's because we gave them nothing. we gave them nothing of ourselves. but i don't know. it's your hurt and it's my hurt, too. i'm not going to feel better sending you off to be gnawed at by piranhas." "... sometimes they're not piranhas, right?" "... yeah, sometimes."

and they keep driving, and they don't know if they want to go to their friends' place for the new year after all, everything is so exhausting, but it's only a few blocks away, and they should put in an appearance-

"no, we're going," buck decides as they pull into their driveway. "we have champagne, it's three streets away, and we're going to be really, REALLY!!!!!! FUN!!!!!"

tommy, eyes wide in terror: "did they break you? shit, did i break you?"

"NO!!!" buck goes inside, grabs two bottles of champagne, shuts the door behind him and comes back to tommy in the driveway. "we're going to get some drinks, eat jill and terri's professional canapes, and we're going to talk to three, no, five new people, and we'll count down and make out, and help clean up, and then we'll come back here."

tommy waits, then says, "and then we'll...?"

buck shrugs, but he's smiling. "we'll be back here. we'll be home. and that's all i want."

tommy nods and holds out both hands, one to accept a bottle of champagne and the other to hold buck's hand. "i want that, too. and those chocolate mousse cups- terri made sure to tell me they ordered a ton this year. maybe we can sneak some out. we should bring that tiny insulated lunchbox we have to some back."

"did you see that recipe for the little- they were canapes with mousse, too, but you make your own shell of chocolate ganache. i'm going to make those. they'll be perfect by valentine's day and we can take a hundred of them to harbor and the 118."

everything that happened earlier- it's not forgotten. it still hurts. in the morning, buck and tommy will apologize more for hurting each other. they'll wake up to apologetic texts, and texts checking in to see how their night went, and happy new year's will be exchanged everywhere. things will scab over between buck and maddie, chimney, and hen. tommy keeps sharpening knives and putting them away.

---

maybe not so weird: it's eddie who, behind buck's back, turns into his biggest defender when chim and hen make jokes about buck like how they (the three of them) used to at the beginning of theseus. absence makes the heart grow fonder and smooth over all the things that annoyed the hell out of him about buck. also, chris nags him whenever he says anything even remotely bitchy about buck.

"you can't say things like that about buck. he saved me from the tsunami. you have me because i had buck." i think that shuts eddie up, hmm, forever.

when buck and eddie see each other again, it's with actual fondness. time smoothed away the rough edges there, too. they text for birthdays and holidays, like each other's instagram posts and comment "yeah brother!!" when there are things to celebrate. when they catch up, eddie sees that put-together grown-up buck that the others don't have the distance to see. he's kind of taken aback at how different he seems, standing taller and showing him his captain's badge, bringing him around the 118 to see how it's changed, and eddie's been away long enough that it's like a force refresh on his perception- he has to see the new buck, the new 118, and he's really fucking happy for him.

(also: buck feels safe enough, in himself and in being the captain of the 118, to bring eddie around, and it's the biggest sigh of relief when it doesn't blow up in his face. i think after some years, eddie's also secure enough in himself and his life away from LA that he feels a pang of jealousy, but it fades pretty quickly because this 118 isn't his anymore. bobby's 118, eddie's 118, has been gone for a long time, and eddie knows that buck remembers it well, and loved it just as much he did. this new 118 can't touch the one he remembers.)

when eddie hangs out with the others, without buck, he asks: where's buck? is buck coming? it's weird that he's not coming but, okay. they catch up and talk, and eddie does a lot of scoffing, not at buck or about buck but for buck. "sorry, are we talking about the same buck who has his and tommy's garden planned out for the next three years? are we talking about the same guy who-" all this stuff that, if chim, maddie, hen, everyone heard about from buck or tommy, it rolled right past them. when eddie leaves, the vibe he leaves behind is very: wow, eddie's gotten kinda bitchy? bitchiER? it's good that he and buck are getting along again. i wonder what's changed? i don't know, but i guess you can't talk to buck OR him anymore without a fight. yeah seriously, let's save for later. maybe buck will say something. haha, no he won't.

---

also like. TO BE CLEAR. there is more than a little meta element to this, where the "enemy" isn't chim/hen/maddie/eddie, etc., it's inertia, the kind that sets in when characters are trapped in a basic ass primetime procedural where they refuse to follow up on 22 million killer bees from one episode to the next. (#Beenado never forget)

ultimately i think i like ship of theseus more than the new jersey fic because the jersey fic was about running and i want that escape for buck- i want him to get out, one way or another, because i love my special boy and i want good things for him in canon. but ship of theseus has him getting his hands into the guts of the 118 and changing it to make it his own- just like bobby did. both of these fics were cathartic as hell and i'm so glad/proud i wrote both of them, but i think theseus was more cathartic and felt more like a resolution to the shit i've found so hateful about buck's arc since s8. (please don't pit my children against each other, i'm allowed to do that because they're mine.)

anyway if you've read this far: happy new year!!!!

[stricklandermewmew]

Decided to give up on the timeline bc what do you mean Abby and Buck had supposedly only been dating for 2 months or so?

[buffaluff]

@bucktommyfluffebruary day six // 🌅 sunset 🌅

[buffaluff]

i built a home next to your heart

Tommy overtakes all of his senses, and all he can think is that all of the upheaval they'd been through had been worth it. Worth it to be standing on this porch at the crack of dawn, kissing Tommy with an audience of two gnomes.

for @olivebegins 💖🏠

if you haven’t been reading her neighbors fic, you’re truly missing out.

print available [x]

[dharmaavocado]

If you're still taking AU prompts, how about an AU where Bobby survives but can't stay Captain of the 118, and Tommy gets arrested for stealing the helicopter? (How would Buck deal with that much change and worrying about people he loves?)

This one gave me a lot of trouble and then I wrote nearly 6k for some reason. This might not be exactly what you were looking for but I hope it's close enough.

1. The lights were on when Maddie made it home from the hospital, which meant Buck was in there, probably cleaning and cooking and making himself useful. After the breakup, when Buck would commandeer their kitchen when he got sick of being in his own, Howie would joke about taking back their spare key.

“The key is a privilege and not a right,” he’d whispered one night, mindful of Buck asleep on the couch. “And he has lost his privileges.”

“He’s just having a hard time,” Maddie had said, although she privately had her own doubts about how important a six month long relationship could be.

“He can have a hard time on someone else’s couch,” Howie complained. She raised her eyebrows. “Wait, not like that.”

The front door opened. “Maddie,” Buck called, “are you okay?”

Her head dropped to the steering wheel. She was so tired.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. “I’m fine. Stay there.”

She winced as her feet hit the pavement; her ankles were swollen. Everything about the pregnancy seemed harder this time around. Maybe it was just being five years older, maybe it was already having one kid while gestating another, maybe it was listening to her husband die, maybe it was the entire fucking world.

Buck didn’t stay there, coming down the walk in his sock feet and wincing with every step. “I can grab Jee.” He peered into the back seat. “Uh, Maddie, I don’t want to alarm you, but where is your daughter?”

“The Lees took her.” She kept moving past him. Momentum was key. “They wanted to give Howie and I some time to visit. They’ll drop her off later.” They originally offered to keep Jee overnight, but with Howie in the hospital, Jee was scared and a night away from home would just result in a meltdown.

“Oh, th-that’s good she’s getting some grandparent time,” Buck said, visibly drooping before rallying. He followed her inside, shutting and locking the door and neatly putting away the shoes she kicked off. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” she said, heading for the kitchen. “Thirsty. Vaguely nauseous.”

No sooner was the word out of her mouth than Buck was bustling around the kitchen. She had just gingerly lowered herself into her chair than Buck sat a cup of ginger ale in front of her. “Thank you,” she said, taking a careful sip. Her teeth were sensitive to the cold and at some point when everything had settled down, she needed to make a dentist appointment.

“No problem,” Buck said, and returned to bustling. Buck and their parents had been locked in trench warfare for all of Buck’s teenage years over him doing chores, and they’d probably have twin heart attacks at seeing Buck willingly and enthusiastically loading the dishwasher without a forty-five minute screaming match. “So I did a couple loads of laundry and did a quick wipe down of the bathroom and kitchen, and if you give me like five minutes I’ll grab the vacuum. There’s a bunch of casseroles from the meal train, but I went shopping. You got bread, milk, butter, and plenty of dino nuggets for Jee.”

The urge to put her head on the table was overwhelming. Buck was just trying to be helpful, she reminded herself as the waves of words threatened to drag her under. This was how he loved.

“Thank you,” she said again. “I’ve got an update.”

Buck went very still and very focused, like a pointer dog who spotted a duck. “Is Chim getting discharged?”

“They want to keep him for a few more days, but then he can home.”

Buck nodded, absently patting at his pocket for his phone. He’d been taking notes on everyone’s recovery: Howie, Hen, Bobby. His poor notes app must be on the verge of committing suicide. “I thought they were talking about sending him to a-a skilled nursing facility?”

“He’s doing better so they said he can come straight home.” His half of the antiviral had eradicated the virus, but the damage had already been done. Howie would live, but no one knew what recovery looked like. No one knew if he would return to duty. No one knew if he would need to be on oxygen for the rest of his life.

“Okay, that’s good.” Buck’s head was down as he typed a new note into his phone. “I’ve been thinking about that. Chim coming home, I mean.”

“The Lees are going to stay with us,” Maddie said, ripping that band-aid off. “They’ll be able to take Jee to preschool and Howie to all his appointments. They’ll be here to help when the baby comes.”

“Oh,” Buck said, looking like his heart was breaking. “Right. They’re great. The Lees, I mean.

A scream rose, and Maddie clenched her teeth against it. Her husband almost died, the doctors couldn’t tell her what his health outcome would be, her daughter almost lost both her parents within months of each other, and she still had to worry about hurting her brother’s feelings. And the worst part was that the only reason Howie was alive was because of her brother and her brother’s ex. It was so fucking unfair.

“Hey,” she said, forcing herself to be gentle as she caught Buck’s wrist and urged him to sit. “You need to take care of yourself, too. Are you taking the leave they offered?”

“What? Oh, yeah. I’m on it now.” Buck mustered up a brave smile. “You know I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

“I know,” she said, and buried the unkind thought of throwing him at the Wilsons for awhile. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said, and squeezed her fingers.

She took her hand back and drank the ginger ale. Buck turned his phone over in his hands, the corners of his mouth tight and miserable.

“Have you talked to Tommy?” she asked at the risk of ending up with another dozen loafs in her freezer.

Buck’s head jerked up. “You want me to call him now?”

A flash of irritation that she ruthlessly smothered. “I never not wanted you to call him.” A half-lie at most. “Can you let him know I’m grateful for what he did to help us? I’d do it myself, but I don’t have his number.”

“Y-yeah, of course. I’ll do it now.” He gave his phone a sad waggle.

“Maybe not right now.” She levered herself up. “I’m going to sneak in a nap before the Lees get here.”

It took a moment, but then Buck was popping up. “I’ll let you do that. There’s so many options for dinner.” He waved his hand at the fridge. Just the thought of opening it and sorting through the casseroles made her want to lay down and die. Anne and John could handle that. “Call me if you need anything.”

“I will,” she said, and shuffled towards the bedroom.

She waited until she head the door close and lock before she laid down and gave herself permission to rest, just for a little bit, until whatever came next arrived.

2. Hen was, depressingly enough, familiar enough with recovering from a severe injury to know that the irritation and frustration from being forced to rest were signs that her body was healing and that she was on the mend. But if she had to spend one more day in bed or on the couch, she was going to set something on fire just to have the excuse to get out of the house.

“At least wait until the kids are out of house before beginning your budding arson career,” Karen said without pity. “How do you feel about setting up camp in the backyard?”

Hen felt better about it than the couch, and so she settled on the lounge chair Denny had spent the last ten minutes making sure it got the perfect sun to shade ratio and drank the lemonade Karen brought her and listened to the kids mostly friendly bickering as they constructed cardboard cars from a kit that were supposedly powered by the Nintendo Switch remotes. It was a good day, and she had long ago learned not to take them for granted.

It was such a good day that she had nearly dozed off when the chime of Karen’s phone dragged her back to consciousness. Karen held it at arm’s length to read the text because she refused to admit she needed reading glasses. “How do you feel about having a visitor?”

“Depends on the visitor,” Hen said. Eddie was in Texas, and Chim and Bobby were still in the hospital. “Depends on if it’s Buck.”

Karen gave her a pointed and disappointed look. “Do you want to try that again, Henrietta?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Hen said, two inches tall and annoyed about it. Karen was her wife, not her mother. “You know how he can be.”

The disappointed increased, but even Maddie had admitted that Buck could be exhausting. “I know he wants to help,” Maddie had confessed when she had stopped by with Jee for a playdate, “but I’m so tired.”

“He saved your life,” Karen said quietly, like Hen could ever forget. A small, shameful part of her said, We got lucky. How much worse would he be if Bobby had died?

“A short visit,” she said.

Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang. Karen went to let him in and then ten minutes after that—long enough for them to catch up and for Karen to give him the time limit—Buck was bounding into the backyard, waving at the kids and making the appropriate noises over their little cardboard cars. His hair was brushed and his shirt tucked in, and yet Buck looked like a man in the moment right before realizing his legs had been cut out from under him.

“I’m not staying long,” he said with a bright, false cheerfulness. “I’m just dropping off your portion of the meal train. You and Karen won’t have to cook for weeks. And this is for you.” With an exhausted flourish, he produced a tupperware container.

Hen swallowed her reflexive, unhelpful impulse—aren’t you over Tommy yet?­—and warily cracked the lid. “Oh,” she said, pleasantly surprised at the blondies. “My favorite.”

“You know I can make actual brownies that taste good, right?” he said, dancing away from the swat she aimed his way. “There’s also a bunch of muffin tops for the kids and I made a batch of those peanut butter cookies with the chocolate stars in them for Karen.”

In those first six months post breakup, Buck baked indiscriminately—loaves and cookies, brownies and tarts, pies with intricate lattice work and delicate puffs of meringue, rolls with molten cheese centers and cakes with frosting so precise and exact it was like something out of a TikTok—and they didn’t have a choice on what he pushed on them until Chim declared an embargo that even Bobby had endorsed. But this wasn’t Buck baking to avoid his feelings. Buck had spent time and money making her family’s favorite pastries because Hen had almost died and he loved her. Maybe Karen had a point.

“Sit down,” she said, overwhelmed with fondness for the probie she watched grow up. “It’s been a minute since we talked.”

“Well, it’s not like I get invited to brunch,” Buck said, shockingly snide as he folded down into Karen’t abandoned chair. “Sorry,” he added to her raised eyebrows.

“Are you okay?” She went to lay a hand on his arm.

He shifted away. “I’m good. Hey, did you hear we’re getting an interim captain? Not Gerrard, thank god. I think they finally took the hint there.”

That explained the snideness. Buck loved the 118 too much to just let anyone into the captain’s chair, although he might not have a choice, given the long, slow recovery before Bobby.

“Who is it?” she asked.

“Samuels. He used to captain the 93 back in the day,” Buck the infant said.

“I thought he retired.”

Buck shrugged. “Apparently not.”

“He’s a good captain, from what I hear. You’ll like him.” She broke a blondie in two and offered Buck half.

“I made those for you.” He waited until she took a bite before saying, “Are you going to take it when they offer it to you?”

The little shit timed it specifically so she couldn’t brush the question off. She had to sit with it as she chewed and swallowed and washed it all down with a sip of lemonade. He really wasn’t a probie anymore.

“If they offer it,” she said.

“Hen. Come on.”

She sighed and watched as Denny and Mara lined up their little cars for the race. This was the most time she spent with them in months. How much more of their lives would she miss if she was captain? How much more neglect could her marriage take before it collapsed, hollowed out? How much more could she bear?

“I don’t know,” she said.

“Bobby wants it for you. He’s been mentoring you.” Where she expected frustration or anger, there was only a quiet disappointment, like Buck has already worked out the answer before even asking the question.

“The last time I was acting captain,” she said with a forced calm, “I lost my daughter.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, even though he didn’t, he couldn’t.

What did Buck know about watching your child being taken away and knowing it was your fault because you let another mother’s son die? What the fuck did he know about her life?

“I’m getting tired,” she said, and perhaps for the first time in his life Buck took the hint.

“I gotta get going,” he said, standing with a wince, which meant he wasn’t stretching out his bad leg. “You’d be a good captain, Hen.”

“Thank you,” she said, and then, “Have you talked to Tommy?”

Buck startled. Yeah, turnabout was a bitch, wasn’t it?

“I texted him,” he said, not looking at her. “I haven’t heard back. Have, uh, have you talked to him?”

“I also texted and I also haven’t heard back,” she said. The disappointed droop of Buck’s shoulders made her stomach curdle with guilt. “He’s never been great about replying.”

“He was always good about getting back to me.” Buck shook himself and summoned up another terrible, cheerful smile. He waved to the kids and then slipped away.

In the yard, Denny let Mara win, and he smiled as she jumped and whooped. She loved her job but she loved her kids more.

“Everything okay?” Karen asked, slipping into the seat next to her.

“Yeah,” Hen said, snagging her hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it, “everything is great.”

3. When he wasn’t sleeping, Bobby was working his way through the puzzle books Athena and the kids had dropped off. He missed doing the daily Connections—he couldn’t look at a screen without his brain trying to crawl out his nose—but he was becoming an expert at Sudoko. He only bothered with the very hard puzzles now.

The door opened. It wasn’t time for his medications or for the nurses routine check in, less frequent now that the doctors assured him his internal organs weren’t in danger of liquefying, Athena was out at lunch with the kids, Hen was home recovering, and Chimney had only just been discharged. That left only one person.

“Buck,” he said, filling in a seven with a great sense of accomplishment. “I just saw you yesterday. What brings you by?”

Buck sheepishly held up a couple of cooler bags. “More of the meal train. I thought Athena and the kids might like it. Well, mostly Harry.”

“His does eat like he’s got hollow legs.” Bobby set the puzzle book aside. Buck looked the same as he had for the past week: exhausted but forcing himself to be cheerful. “When is the last time you slept?”

“Where’s Athena?” Buck avoided the question by setting the bags out of the way and folding himself into the uncomfortable chair with a wince.

And Bobby was hit with a sense memory of the doing the same when it was Buck in the hospital, his back stiff and aching from being curled over for hours as he prayed the rosary. Even no he could still feel the bump of them over his knuckles.

“Bobby?” Buck said.

“Sorry, I was wool gathering.” He gave Buck a reassuring smile that didn’t reassure enough as he hoped. “Athena is out with the kids right now, but she’ll be back.” The only person more difficult than Buck to chase home to sleep was Athena. He despaired of both their backs. “How’s it going, kid?”

“It’s good,” Buck said, summoning a smile that doesn’t do much beyond twisting his mouth up. Brooke had been the same way, smiling when she felt the worst so she wouldn’t worry them. “Eddie got offered a paramedic job. He’s going to take it. Chris really likes being back in Texas.”

“That’s good for both of them,” Bobby said, watching Buck closely. “Chim is back home.”

“The Lees are helping out. Jee is getting excited about having a baby brother again.” Buck wouldn’t look at him. “I saw Hen the other day. She’s doing well. I told her about Samuels.”

Ah, there it was, the true reason for Buck’s visit, the very thing he had and Athena had talked to death. Well, no time like the present. Time to rip off the band-aid and break Buck’s heart.

“Chief Simpson asked me for some recommendations,” Bobby said, shifting with a wince. Immediately Buck was there to rearrange the pillows. “Samuels is only temporary, but he’s a good man and will take care of you all until the position can be filled permanently.”

“So you’re not coming back,” Buck said dully.

“Too much damage this time,” he said gently. “I might stay on in a more administrative role, but I can’t be in the field again. It won’t be safe, not for me or for team.”

“I don’t know if Hen still wants to be captain,” Buck said, gaze fixed on some far away point. “Not after what happened with Mara.” He paused. “I don’t want Gerrard coming back.”

“He’s not. I won’t let that happen.” Bobby hesitated. “Tommy worked with Gerrard for years.”

That got Buck looking at him, if only to frown in confusion. “Uh, yeah, I know.”

“I never asked if that caused problems between you two,” he said, choosing his words with delicate care. “You never said why you broke up.”

“It wasn’t that.” Buck frowned harder. “Or not just that. We didn’t really talk about important stuff. Or any stuff.”

Looked like he got it wrong; this kid was breaking Bobby’s heart. “You can change that. Give him a call.”

Buck’s mouth twisted into a miserable knot. “I have been calling him and texting him but he won’t—” he broke off with an even more miserable sniff. “He hasn’t even left me on read. I think I used up my last chance with this one, Bobby.”

When they wheeled him out of the lab, oxygen mask over his face and fluids and plasma on standby, Tommy had been at Buck’s side, feet planted deep and immovable. If Tommy wasn’t picking up the phone, it was because he physically wasn’t able to.

“You should go check on him,” Bobby said. “He loves you, kid.”

Buck couldn’t even manage a smile for that. “Not anymore, if he ever did.”

Bobby reached out and gripped Buck’s arm. “You’re going to be okay, Buck. We both are. Captain’s orders.”

“Copy that, Cap,” Buck said, and sat with him until Athena returned.

4. Buck didn’t know Sal well enough to guess who he expected at his door on a Tuesday afternoon, but it probably wasn’t him having a nervous breakdown.

“Have you talked to Tommy?” Buck demanded, feeling crazy around the eyes.

“Have I,” Sal said slowly, “spoken with Tommy?”

Buck dug his phone out of his pocket and waved it in Sal’s face. “He hasn’t picked up when I call or answered my texts. He hasn’t even left me on read. Something is wrong.”

“Or, and stay with me on this,” Sal said, unimpressed and obviously losing patience, “he finally smartened up and stopped letting you ruin his life.”

“But when has he ever done the smart thing?” Buck shot back, mouth firmed to keep from miserably wobbling. “And it’s just not me he’s ignoring. He hasn’t texted Chim or Bobby back. He hasn’t responded to Hen. Does that sound like Tommy to you?”

Sal stared him down for a long moment before digging out his phone and scrolling through it. “I talked to him two weeks ago. Fuck.”

“Fuck,” Buck echoed through a mouth gone sour with fear.

“Fuck!” a naked toddler exclaimed with delight right before ramming into Buck’s legs.

“She’s going through a naked phase,” Sal said, expertly scooping up the kid before she could worm past Buck and complete her jailbreak. “You better come in.”

The naked toddler was called Maria, and she wailed dramatically as Sal wrestled her into a shirt with a t-rex on it. “When did you see him last?” Sal asked, ignoring as his daughter went completely limp in a last ditch effort to avoid wearing pants.

“At the lab. He, uh, he texted me and called me after that, but then he just stopped.” The fear curdled into shame. “I, uh, didn’t notice at first. I’ve been busy looking after everyone else.” A terrible smile stretched across his face, and he turned away so he wouldn’t frighten Maria. “Turns out they didn’t need me. Joke’s on me, I guess.”

Sal sighed very quietly. “All right, gremlin, you don’t have to wear socks but the pants and shirt stay on and you have to color quietly while I talk with Buck here. Deal?”

Maria frowned as she seriously considered it, looking so much like a miniature Tommy that Buck had to lock his jaw against an animal scream. “Deal,” she finally said, holding out a tiny hand for Sal to shake.

“Gina is a lawyer,” Sal said, setting Maria up in the living room with a coloring book, an army of plastic dinosaurs, and a literal bucket of crayons. “She loves making deals.”

“Gotta do deal,” Maria agreed, and upended the crayon bucket over her head. “Rain!”

“That’s right, honey, make it rain.” Sal dropped a kiss on the top of her head and then led Buck to the kitchen.

On the fridge, tacked up with a magnet in the shape of a watermelon, was a picture of Maria and Tommy, her tiny face pressed against his, their mouths open in a fearsome growl, hands hooked into tiny claws. Buck collapsed onto a chair. There was one like that of him and Jee on Maddie’s fridge, the two of them pretending to be tigers when Jee was in her big cat phase. Tommy was so loved, even if it wasn’t by him

“Are they t-rexes?” Buck asked.

“She’s obsessed with dinosaurs. If I have to watch one ore documentary about them I am taking a sledgehammer to the fossils at the natural history museum.” Sal leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “Tell me what happened at the lab. Leave nothing out.”

Buck did. Sal’s eyebrows were the bitchy twin to Tommy’s, and by the time he got to the end, they were nearly in his hairline.

“Let me get this straight,” Sal said, stare gone hard and unforgiving, “Tommy pulls a stunt that could have gotten him black bagged and sent to Guantanamo, and you didn’t think to reach out to him until your little friends were too busy to play with you anymore?”

Buck winced. “They didn’t need me. I thought Tommy might.”

“Jesus Christ.” Sal scrubbed a hand over his face. “He’s a person, Buckley. You know that, right? Tommy is a person and not a doll you can take down from the shelf whenever you’re lonely.”

The shame sat like a stone in his stomach. “That’s fair,” he said quietly.

“You’re right that’s goddamn fair,” Sal snapped. “Do you have any idea what he lets you get away with? You are so careless with him.”

Buck flinched. It’d been almost ten year since he joined the LAFD, and he thought he’d grown up since then. Joke was on him again. He was still the careless twenty-six year old who couldn’t be trusted with anything important. All he did was break things.

“I know,” Buck said, forcing himself to meet Sal’s gaze. “But that doesn’t mean something isn’t wrong. I, uh, I went to bring him some of the meal train. He wasn’t home. His truck was in the driveway.”

Tommy’s truck was his baby, in that he doted on it more than some people did with their actual babies. If he absolutely had to let it sit out on his driveway, he always threw the custom made tarp over it. When the Jeep was up on the lift, Buck had watch Tommy spend ten minutes fussing with the drape over the tarp, worried about the weather, like SoCal was in danger of getting a freak hailstorm. Buck had found the whole thing charming and endearing.

“Oh hell,” Sal said and dug out his phone.

The first call rang through to Tommy’s voicemail, as did the second and then the third. Sal texted something quickly. The phone chimed. Sal’s frown changed from furious to worried.

“He’s not picking up for Gina either,” Sal said. “And he’s ignoring our 911 texts.”

The shame stone crumbled back into fear. “He’s in trouble, isn’t he?” Buck said.

“Yeah, kid, I think he is.” Sal blew out a long breath. “I gotta make some calls. Go make sure my kid has her clothes on and isn’t making another run for it.”

Buck stood but paused at the kitchen door. “Do you really think I ruined his life?”

Sal didn’t glance up for his phone. “Tommy is fully capable of ruining his own life, but you certainly helped.”

In the living room, Maria glanced up and said, “Wanna color?”

“I’d love to,” Buck said, and took a careful seat next to her.

Over the next hour, Sal made his calls. There were many of them, his voice rising and falling, although he only got loud exactly once.

“You left them in there to fucking die,” Sal snapped to what Buck futilely hoped wasn’t Chief Simpson. “You think the last contract negotiations were bad, wait until we put this to a fucking vote.”

It was quiet after that, and when Sal finally left the kitchen, it was with a solemnity that nearly made Buck snap a crayon in half.

“Hey, gremlin,” Sal said with a gentleness that every parent but his own had. “Can you go play in your room? I gotta talk to Buck.”

“Is Tommy okay?” she asked, shoulders hunching around her ears as she picked up on her dad’s mood.

“Tommy will be,” Sal said. “I’ll come play dinosaur graveyard with you after this. Deal?”

She stuck our her tiny hand for a shake. “Deal.” And then with a wild cackle, she sprinted towards her room. “Deal not with clothes!” Her shirt was the first to go.

“That’s on me,” Sal said. “I didn’t include clothes.”

Buck began cleaning up on reflex: coloring books neatly stacked on the coffee table, crayons back in the bucket, army of dinosaurs back into their own plastic container. It was the same thing he did after Jee was done playing. It was one less thing for Maddie to have to clean. He could do the same for Sal.

“Is Tommy okay?” he asked, digging a stray ankylosaur from under the couch.

Sal waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, he’s fine. He’s just been arrested.”

Black bagged, Buck thought, Guantanamo. His chest went tight. His lungs couldn’t expand. He stopped breathing.

“None of that shit, Buckley.” A hand on the back of his neck forced him head between his knees. “Tommy is fine. And if my wife gets her way, which she always does, he’ll be out before end of business today. So stop hyperventilating. You’re not helping.”

The edges of his vision cleared. He sucked in a lungful of air and then another. Tommy was under arrest but he was going to be okay. Buck would make sure he was. “I’m good,” he croaked, and Sal gentled his grip to help him to sit up. “Why did they only arrest him?”

“Probably because the army doesn’t want it to get out that they left some of LAFD’s bravest to die of super Ebola. Tommy is the easier target, and he embarrassed them by needing three choppers to take him down.”

It took six months, but he gotten pretty good at reading Tommy, but Sal was an unknown. They had only met once and only for about an hour over drinks. Buck had liked Gina more than her husband, and he spent most of that hour talking about the struggle of rolling back old, outdated laws. He didn’t know what it meant when Sal looked at him like that.

“I don’t know what goes in your fucked up little codependent polycule,” Sal said slowly, unblinking, “but Tommy needs you for this. And he won’t ever admit it because his parents fucked up him up good, but he needs you for the rest of it, too. Are you going to be there for him?”

“Yes,” Buck said.

Sal was unimpressed. “There are no half measures here. If you’re in it then you have to be all in and not just there when the rest of your family is too busy for a play date. If you can’t do that then you walk away right now and you stay gone. Tommy doesn’t need more help in ruining his life.”

Everyone he loved had someone—Maddie and Chim, Hen and Karen, even Eddie had his son—and Buck had been scrapping by for years now., useful but not permanent. Careless. But he wasn’t twenty-six anymore; he was capable of care.

“I’m here, for however long he wants me,” Buck said firmly.

Sal nodded, once. “Be at the courthouse in forty-five minutes. You need to give testimony.”

Buck scrambled up. He was unshaven and his shirt was at least one day past needing to be washed. His work duffel was still in the Jeep. There was a clean shirt in there and spare deodorant and even some pomade. It wasn’t great, but it was all he got.

“Go get our boy,” Sal said, clapping him on the shoulder.

Buck went.

5. Tommy had been in worse places than spending a week in county lockup. There was those long weeks he spent in a medical tent in the middle of the Afghan desert, waiting to be med evaced to Germany, infection creeping into the staples holding his guts in. There were the long nights at the 118, all of them exhausted from a five alarm fire where an entire family had died, and Gerrard had called them all weeping pussies for the crime of having a single feeling about it. There had been the morning in Eddie’s kitchen where Evan had confirmed his greatest fear, that he was only good for a fuck and nothing more. So yeah, on the whole, it could have been worse. It could always be worse.

Tommy signed the forms and was given back his personal belongings: wallet, aviator sunglasses, shitty movie receipt because movie theaters no longer gave out tickets, his phone with approximately three hundred missed calls and unanswered texts. Evan’s name was at the top.

He shoved everything into his pockets and stepped out a free man to where Evan Buckley was waiting for him. His eyebrows jumped up.

“Hi,” Evan said, hand raised in an abortive waive. His hair was slicked back like it was when the first started dating, before Tommy had unashamedly begged Evan to free his curls, and he was sporting at least three days worth of stubble. His face was gaunt. He hadn’t been sleeping. He was beautiful. “Sal and Gina are here if you want to—oh!”

Tommy crossed in three strides and grabbed Evan, holding on tight. “You’re here.”

“I’m here,” Evan said, long arms wrapped around him, hands fisted in the back of Tommy’s shirt. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“Doesn’t matter.” He tucked his face into Evan’s neck. He shook. “Is everyone okay? Bobby isn’t—”

Evan made a low noise. “They’re fine. Are you okay? You were in jail!”

He laughed to hide the shakes. “County jail. Doesn’t count.” Evan made that noise again. Tommy cupped the back of his head. “I’m okay. I promise. You sprung me.”

“Okay,” Evan said, sniffling even as he drew back. His eyes were wet and red rimmed. “So full disclosure, Sal and Gina did the springing. I just gave some testimony.” He touched Tommy’s cheek, his jaw, his mouth. “They’re giving us a day and then we have to over for dinner.”

“Not until tomorrow, right? We have the rest of the day?” he asked hopefully. His old sergeant said that it was the hope that killed you, but Tommy hoped anyway.

“Yeah, the whole day,” Evan said on a happy sigh. “I’m going to be so careful with you. I’m not going to let us ruin it this time. I promise.”

Tommy kissed the corner of his mouth. “Well, in that case, honey, you should take me home.”

Evan smiled like the sun coming up and took him home.

[stricklandermewmew]

Tevan different first meeting AU but with Shannon!lives

Snippets from da rough draft 👀

You can read the prequel about how Carla met Shannon here

“Oh I lusted after him alright. Eddie is CUTE. Shit. He’s a handsome, beautiful man. I swear he could’ve been a model and we’d be living in Beverly Hills. I have to give him that. In fact, all the shits happened because I lusted after him, and the sex was totally worth it. I wouldn’t trade my traumas for anything just to keep the Eddie sex.”

Buck quirks his eyebrows, clearly amused but trying to suppress his grin because he still feels bad.

“Alright, he can’t be that good looking! You telling me this dumbass that ran to the military from you, is MORE attractive than me?”

Shannon can tell instantly he’s trying to pick up the mood. She teases: “can’t compete, Buck. You just can’t.”

The Thing is, she has thought about it sometimes. Buck is conventionally attractive, with insanely kissable lips. Shannon never had any male friends before, other than Eddie. So she toyed about the ideas, the what-ifs. But Buck was head over heels for Abby, then he is head over heels for Tommy. And Shannon has festered a self esteem issue that’s the size of a football field the moment she learned what a welfare baby is. So if she thought Eddie was out of her league, Buck is way out of her league.

(Except he isn’t. Buck makes her feel like she matters, whether they are romantic or not.)

She teases. She watches him pouts. Two thoughts come to mind: she’s jealous of Tommy, and she’s going to grill them at their wedding when she gives the speech.

[bugharvest]

HI GUYSS🐟💙I haven't posted in like forever bro omg... I have been very busy lately but like in a FUN way!! Today me and my friend♥️ went to a state park, very fun.. except we got fucking lost(my fault😔) and had to WALK ALL THE WAY BACKK🐾❤️‍🩹 my knees are killing me rn :P but it could always be worse, so not to upset❤️‍🩹

Anyways I WISSHH there was more content of Nomura and Strickler, I love love changelings sm, like their lore is so cool?????

[stricklandermewmew]

Thinking about how Shannon was a child herself when her mother got sick and died. She was under 25. She was a transitional age youth when she had to raise a kid by herself and then take care of her terminally ill mother.

(Eddie was a kid, too. Hence he ran. Because being a soldier is easier than being a dad. He was just a boy, after all)

And to this day we still don’t know what Shannon does for a living. Pretty F-up if you ask me.

Headcanonning Shannon, Carla, and Abby being friends, I need to see them be there for each other 🥲 if TM refuses to give Shannon and Carla more back story than the deadwife/black helper archetype then I will 🥲

[stricklandermewmew]

Having BIG Shannon feelings now 🥲 This happened:

Summary: One summer morning, Carla adopted a white girl.

Carla was just dropping off some paperwork when she saw the brunette covered in sweat stood helplessly next to an old Prius.

It’s nine in the morning. Carla thought to herself. I just ended a grave. She can find someone else.

Your heart is too big. Howard’s voice echoed, sometimes fondly, sometimes exasperated. Carla knew that. She wouldn’t be at the social service right after a grave if she wasn’t.

I’m exhausted. Carla repeated. She walked closer, and saw how rounded the brunettes’s cheeks were. She looked skinny but there was the reminiscence of baby fat. This woman was a girl.

“Sweetheart, where do I need to take you to? ”

The girl settled in the passenger seat after some persuasion. “I thought Prius wasn’t suppose to break” she tried to joke, then followed by, “my mom died. I need to, I need to go to the court. I was her conservator.”

Carla could tell she was on the verge of tears.

“I’m Carla.” She said instead. “I’m a in home nurse. I might know a thing or two about that.”

The brunette’s eyes crinkled. “Um, I’m Shannon.” Shannon took the Kleenex Carla offered for her glistening forehead. “Sorry for messing up your car. I swear I’m normally more put together.”

“Honey, I’m a nurse.”

Shannon laughed.

The drive wasn’t that long, still they talked. Carla learned that Shannon is a mom. “My son is wonderful, but my mom had no one.” Carla wanted to tell her she didn’t have to explain to anyone, let alone a stranger. They talked more. Life being a caretaker, the fucked up system, the loops she had to jump through for her son’s disability and then for her mom’s. Each time Carla thought she was finally letting the dam break, Shannon bottled it up. She talked about the in-laws, how suffocating they were, and how ironically they were the parents she never had. She mentioned her husband, once, “he’s also struggling, but he’s going to be okay.” She mentioned a silver star.

At some point, Carla took over.

“Well, Pop’s a dentist, mom’s a scholar. Both first gen Nigerian immigrants with big dreams and bigger ambitions. They wanted something grand for me, too. But I was too Americanized. I grew up in Culver City, and my friends from Baldwin Hills laughed at my accent. It took me a while to not sound too white or too African. AAVE ain’t easy to master.”

“It ain’t easy,” Shannon parroted.

Carla gave her a look, although not unkind. She continued, couldn’t help but feel obligated to spill her life story in front of this stranger. Having to pay attention to LA traffic didn’t help.

“Just sayin’, I’ve got no clue how I end up here, but I do. That’s the thing. I have a college degree, but I hated premed. Pops were furious when he found out I didn’t pass my MCAT. I just wanted to stay with grandma. She wasn’t mad at me. Clearly she was strict to pop, but not to me. Never to me. She wasn’t doing well. So I stayed with her, and I did good staying with here.”

“…and that’s how it started?”

“That’s how it started. Then she died. Nasal cancer. She was exposed to too much chromium before bringing pop here. Rakiya was an incredibly hard worker.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Carla hummed. “We were close, but that was 17 years ago.” She took that quiet moment to merge right.

“Anyway, how do you think I get to drive this nice ass car? In home nursing doesn’t pay that good, but I married good. Hubby is someone even pops approve.”

Shannon tried to grin, and then she went:

“My mom, she —“ her voice quivered, a deep breath out and it steadied, “she was from Switzerland. She didn’t do well here, but I guess the Swiss government still paid her and for the childcare. I never understood why she moved - Texas, of all the places — when we could’ve been, I don’t know, anywhere else. But I guess she benefited from it even after the immigration.”

“She wasn’t doing good. She never was. Her bipolar got way worse after I filed for emancipation. I hated I was living off of welfare,” she gestured to herself, as if saying “look at me now.” “Mom stopped taking her meds, I think, and then left for LA for some Hollywood dream. Then she got ill… really, really ill. She refused to take meds still. I had to fought to be her conservator. I was 22. That was just way too young. How come someone barely the legal age of drinking get to dictate another grownup’s life?”

Carla thought about how worn down her eyes looked. “You are still quite young. 24, right?”

“Well yeah, and I’ve got a son, who I don’t know if I will ever see again.” The click click click of Carla’s blinker cut Shannon off. She exhaled once, twice. “It doesn’t matter now. My mom’s dead. I just lost my only source of income because of that. I’m never seeing my son. It’s just me and my life, in East LA.”

You will see your son again. Carla almost said. You are not running away, you just needed a break. She thought about not being a therapist and held her tongue. She suggested to her where else Shannon could get support and benefits.

Shortly after they arrived at the court. “I’m just gonna…” Shannon started. Carla pointed at the entrance, “go drop it off, and let’s go somewhere else. Parking sucks here. Call me when you are done.”

They spent the next two minutes scrambling and exchanging numbers. The car behind Carla’s honked.

After, Carla helped Shannon towed her Prius and dropped her off. That was not after they got coffee together, and a plan to hang out soon (“let’s drink!”) was promised.

[v88sy]

Another Bucktommy thought I had last night, because can't stop, won't stop;

You know my pervasive head canon that I won't shut up about, the one where Tommy bought an engagement ring after the hookup, because he knew that if he were ever lucky enough to see Evan again and get yet another chance, he'd make it count? He wouldn't let Evan go?

Well, we all know how their next meeting ended up going...

But let's say that now, almost a year and a half later, Tommy is dating again. He has a boyfriend, and he's nice, but they've only been together for a few months and it's still pretty casual. Tommy knows Matt isn't the one, but that's fine. He's pretty sure they're on the same page..

...until the day that Matt comes across the engagement ring hidden in Tommy's sock drawer. He makes what seems like the most logical conclusion at the time, and calls Tommy in a hurry, voice full of excitement, letting him know that yes, he would absolutely love to marry him.

And Tommy...Tommy is too damn stunned to correct him. He never wanted to hurt Matt, and Matt never deserved any of this.

Now Tommy has to figure out a way to tell him that not only was the ring intended for someone else all together, someone he never truly got over, but also that he never really saw them taking that step at all.

And to make everything worse, the grapevine and all its gossip finds Buck, letting him know of Tommy's "engagement."

[nosecrinklewrites]

He felt the door slam shut in his chest. He physically felt the blow.

”Tommy's engaged?” Hen jumped and looked at him. They hadn't noticed him approach. Buck looked between them, all of them.

Hen looked a little panicked, but said, ”Seems that way. Ran into Lucy at the store.”

”That's great,” Buck heard himself say. ”If he's happy, that's great.”

”Buck–”

”I forgot why I came over here. Maybe if I go back,” he muttered to himself and went back to where he came from. Where did he come from? Maybe the locker room. He patted his pockets, but there was nothing weird in them and they weren't empty.

He was breathing weird.

Fresh air. He should go outside and get some air.

He turned on his heel and went further into the building, toward the stairs.

He pushed the door to the roof open and stumbled toward the edge. It was too hot to stand around in the sun, in the dark fabric of his uniform. The sun was bright and blinding. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, but he couldn't see the screen. He fumbled the brightness up.

He found his thread with Tommy and sent off a,

congratulations

It felt like the right thing to do. All this time, he'd thought it was open ended. That there was still a possibility there.

The door was closed now. Tommy was marrying someone else.

Tommy found someone else.

Buck felt stupid more than anything. Why did he think it would work out? How childish it was to think Tommy was waiting. Why would he? Tommy had given him a chance to start over and he'd fucked it up in less than twelve hours.

Why would anyone wait around for someone like that? It wasn't like all those stupid movies Tommy was always quoting. Things didn't miraculously work out, just because you wanted it enough. There was no such thing as being meant to be.

His phone went off in his hand. He unlocked the screen. There was no new message, but Tommy had reacted to his message with a thumbs up.

Buck's hands went cold. Tommy had never reacted to a message ever – let alone with a thumbs up.

Buck called him.

”Evan – ”

”Are you OK?”

”What?”

”Is this a hostage situation? Or DV?”

” … I'm not sure I understand?”

”You reacted with a thumbs up.”

Tommy sighed. ”Evan, it's … I'm fine.”

”Do you even know where the thumbs up emoji is in the menu? You have never sent me an emoji that made sense, in any context, ever. What's going on?”

Tommy was quiet in a deeply ominous way.

”Can we meet? I can't have a fucking– A papertrail.”

Buck's eyebrows attempted to escape his face. If Tommy's paranoia had kicked in, something was deeply, deeply wrong.

”I'm four hours into my shift. And so are you.”

Tommy sighed again. ”Obviously, it can't be right now. And we can't be seen together, so I can't come meet you.”

”Hold on, hold on – we can't be seen together? Tommy, what the fuck.” Tommy made a small, distressed sound that did nothing to soothe either one of them. ”Tommy. My heart is about to fall out of my ass, I need you to tell me you're safe.”

”I am safe. It's just,” he took a breath. ”I don't know how to get out of this.”

”Get out of what? Your engagement?”

”My situation.”

”Can I be seen at Harbor?”

”What? Why?”

”If I burst into tears, I'm pretty sure Chim will send me home, so he doesn't have to fix it. Can I come to you?”

”Fuck. Shit. Let me get back to you. Gimme, like, ten minutes.”

The phone went silent in his hand. Ten minutes. He could have so many panic attacks in ten minutes. His heart was racing, his fingers were tingling. Buck put the phone in his pocket and shook out his hands. Ten minutes.

It was more like five, when his phone rang. ”Oh, thank fuck.” He held the device to his ear, ”Tommy?”

”Remember that gastropub we went to? It was a converted warehouse.”

”The one the fire marshal shut down? What about it?”

”Meet me there? I've got an hour.”

*

Buck thundered down the stairs, slamming every door on the way. Everyone eyed him as he came into the loft.

”It's OK, I'm OK.” He looked at the kitchen. ”C-shift covered groceries, right? You think they bought flour?”

Chimney came up to him. ”Buck. Hey. Hey. Buck. Hi. Listen, how about you take the day off?”

”Why would I do that?” he sniffled and wiped at his eyes. It was sweat, but Chimney didn't need to know that.

Chimney straightened up and put his hands on his hips. ”Firefighter Buckley, I think it's best if I send you home.”

”Chim – ”

He held up his hand. ”Take the day off, do something nice for yourself. Please.”

Buck pushed out his bottom lip and hunched his shoulders. ”M-maybe that would be best. If you're sure?”

”Get out of here, Buck, we've got it.”

He rubbed his eyes a final time. ”Thank you.” He didn't run, but it was a near thing. He changed out of his uniform and packed his bag as fast as he could, and made his way to the warehouse.

He hardly recognised it, when he made it to the address. He spotted Tommy's truck and pulled up behind it. Everything was burnt down.

”Oh, wow. When did that happen?” he asked, as he tumbled out of his car.

”Two weeks ago.”

”You look like shit.”

”So do you.” Tommy huffed. ”No, you don't, you look great. Thanks for meeting me.”

”What's going on?” Buck asked.

Tommy opened and closed his mouth. He'd looked more cheerful when he'd broken up with Buck. ”I, uhm,” he swallowed. ”I think I just realised you have to know, in order to help.”

Buck could do this. He could help with whatever situation this was. He could be encouraging. He could.

”Whatever it is, I won't judge you.”

Tommy nodded. ”I think you should.”

”Right. OK. I will judge you a proportionate amount. Whatever you need.”

”Fuck,” Tommy muttered and ran his fingers through his hair. It was already standing up, so he must've done it a few times already. ”I'm engaged.”

”Alright. And?”

”I didn't propose.”

Buck paused his encouraging nods to frown. ”Right, OK, so your fiancé did.”

”He also did not propose.”

”I'm pretty sure someone needs to propose.”

Tommy laughed, ”You'd think so.”

”What happened?”

”He found a ring in my dresser. A ring I bought for you.”

Buck was pretty sure his heart stopped. He definitely stopped breathing. Tommy bought him a ring. When the fuck did Tommy buy him a ring? ”He thought it was for him.”

”And I didn't correct him.”

”Of course you didn't.” Tommy made a face, but didn't dispute it. ”How long ago was this?”

”Three weeks.”

Buck took a deep breath. ”That's not great.”

”I've had heart palpitations for three weeks.”

Buck's ears were ringing a little bit, but it was a pretty straight forward problem, even if his emotional involvement made it a hell of a lot more complicated. ”How can I help?”

”I don't know,” Tommy sighed and bent over, clutching his knees. Tommy was not this animated, unless sports were involved. It was stressful as hell.

”I need more information. Why can't we be seen together?”

”I don't know, I'm panicking.”

”I can see that. Fuck. We're supposed to be good in a crisis. What if we … What if you tell him you changed your mind? How long have you been together?”

”Uh. Two months? Three?”

”That is … That is very fast. Which could work in your favour! Tell him you thought you wanted it, but now that you're doing it, it's too fast.”

Tommy checked his watch and stood back up. ”Talking to him is the issue. He's excited.”

”Tommy. You cannot marry someone because they want to.”

”I met his parents over Zoom.”

Buck had a feeling they were only scraping the surface. ”You told him yours were dead, didn't you?”

”Obviously.”

Buck sighed, but he couldn't fault Tommy for that. ”If your dad ever steps foot in this fucking town, I'm killing him, so he might as well be.”

”Thanks.”

”You need to head back?” Buck asked, after Tommy checked his watch again.

”I was only granted time enough for a personal errand.”

”I've got the day off, so I've got time. Listen, I'll think of something. Worst case scenario, I speak to him myself, yeah?”

”I don't want that.”

”Neither do I, but it's an option. What's his name?”

”Matthew.”

Buck shivered. ”Ew.”

Tommy laughed, a little hysterical. ”You know nothing about him.”

”I don't need to know him to hate him. Get back to Harbor, I'll figure something out. I'll call you, so maybe change my name in your phone.”

”Already did.”

”What did you change– No. No, I don't need to know. Go.”

*

Buck went home. He did two circuits with the gym equipment in his backyard, but it did little to change anything. His heart was still racing, his ears were still ringing.

He was trying to keep his own feelings at bay, to help Tommy, but it was really fucking hard. So far, his only suggestion for a solution, was come over.

As it closed in on Tommy getting off work, Buck still didn't know what to do. He felt bad having offered a solution and then not coming up with anything. The only thing he had left to offer, was his support. He pulled up a map on his phone and started looking for places they could meet.

*

It wasn't exactly clandestine, but hopefully Matthew wouldn't think to come looking for his fiancé at a park with a one star rating.

Tommy didn't look any better. He sunk onto the bench beside, with a heavy sigh. He still had his phone in his hand, so Buck asked,

”What did you change my name to?”

”Eva.”

”You deleted one letter?”

”And two emojis.”

”You didn't delete those before? How the fuck did Matthew think you wanted to marry him?”

”Listen, the issue is Matthew is a perfectly nice guy and I can't devastate him, like I usually do. I can't keep doing that to people. He needs to feel like walking away is the better, more preferable option.”

”Right,” Buck said mildly. He knew he was being petty, but he couldn't not ask, ”Does the ring fit?”

”No. Matt has dainty fingers.”

”Would it fit me?”

”Yes. I measured.”

”What? How? When?”

”You have butcher's twine in your kitchen. I did it while you slept.”

”I moved,” Buck said. ”I still have the twine, but it's a different kitchen. Not that that matters.”

”You got your own place? Thank fuck.”

”I cannot keep having this conversation – I was subletting. It was my house.”

”Christopher's height is etched into the doorframe.”

”Give me your phone,” he held out his hand. ”I'm calling Matthew.”

They glared at each other for a moment, before scoffing in tandem and letting it lie.

”Thank you for doing this,” Tommy said. ”You didn't have to.”

”If the ring was for me, I think I'm partially to blame.”

”No, you're not.”

Buck kicked him in the shin. ”Let me help.”

Tommy sat up straight and crossed his arms, turned slightly toward Buck.

”What if I tell him I've been cheating since the start? That we were never exclusive?”

Buck made face. ”That's pretty shitty.”

”My reputation is already shit, there's nothing to salvage.”

”Your reputation is fine.”

”Oh, I'm sure Abby only had nice things to say about me.”

Buck wrinkled his nose. ”Point taken.”

”I could kill myself.”

Buck sighed deeply. ”Killing yourself is not a solution.”

”I think it is.”

”Shut up.”

They spent a long time, coming up with increasingly more elaborate schemes. Buck was willing to do any of them, if Tommy asked, but it was becoming clear that they weren't actually looking for a solution, they were just making them up for the sake of talking.

It was closing in on dinner time, when Buck asked, ”You're gonna tell him, aren't you?”

”Yeah,” Tommy nodded. He'd been quiet for a while now. ”Yeah, I am. I just needed to freak out first.”

”Want me to come with you?”

”I do, but I don't think you should.”

Buck watched him get out his phone and text Matthew. They went back and forth a couple of times, before Tommy exhaled and put the phone in his pocket.

”When's it happening?”

”Now. I need to head out.” He checked his watch.

They hugged, before Tommy left. Buck squeezed him as hard as he could, but didn't say anything. He didn't say good luck, didn't tell him it was for the best.

*

Buck didn't know how long it took to break off an engagement. For Matthew's sake, hopefully it took a little longer, so he could get closure.

Buck spent a few agonisingly long minutes imagining what kind of man Matthew was. What kind of man found a ring after two months of dating and thought it was exciting, instead of terrifying. A very optimistic one, for sure.

Maybe it was a shitty thing to do, he couldn't tell anymore, but he sent his new address to Tommy, along with,

if you want to talk

Buck went through the motions of making and eating dinner, and texting back some of the colleagues who had attempted to check in during the day.

He was hoping, but not expecting to hear from Tommy.

Buck had suds up to his elbows, when the doorbell rang. He wiped down in a hurry, pushed things onto the drying rack, and went to answer the door.

Tommy looked about the same, but tired.

”Come in,” Buck stepped aside.

They stood in the living room for a beat. Buck with a dish towel, Tommy with his hands in his pockets.

”How did it go?”

”I have no idea,” Tommy smiled.

”Can I see it?”

Tommy pulled it out of his pocket and handed it over. It didn't look special. It was just a silver band. Buck turned it over a couple of times, before the inside caught his attention.

It was engraved.

Are you free Saturday?

”You can keep it, if you want. Put it in a trinket box or something.”

”You're not proposing?”

”No,” Tommy shook his head. ”Clearly, that is not on the table for me, message received, loud and clear, never again.”

”Are you free Saturday?”

”Yeah, I thought … I thought it was sweet, I don't know.”

”No, I'm asking – are you free Saturday?”

”I am,” he said, before it dawned on him. ”Oh. Oh, you're asking.”

Buck looked at him for an extended moment. ”Now that the competition is out of the way.”

[stricklandermewmew]

Thinking about how Shannon was a child herself when her mother got sick and died. She was under 25. She was a transitional age youth when she had to raise a kid by herself and then take care of her terminally ill mother.

(Eddie was a kid, too. Hence he ran. Because being a soldier is easier than being a dad. He was just a boy, after all)

And to this day we still don’t know what Shannon does for a living. Pretty F-up if you ask me.

Headcanonning Shannon, Carla, and Abby being friends, I need to see them be there for each other 🥲 if TM refuses to give Shannon and Carla more back story than the deadwife/black helper archetype then I will 🥲

[stricklandermewmew]

For each Tommy is abusive Buddie fic there shall be 10 Eddie is abusive Tevan fic to counter it, that’s only fair

(Did someone forget to block Buddie on AO3 and had to get mindfucked — not even the sexy kind — by the latest abusive ex Tommy Buddie fic again. Yes they did.)

[stricklandermewmew]

I want Bucktommy’s different first meeting and somehow Shannon lives and we get to see Shannon and Buck friendship arc 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[riding-with-the-wild-hunt]

a whole bunch of gazan mutual aid projects and nonprofits. if the decision of which individual fundraiser to give to feels too daunting, or if you just want to help as many people as possible in one go, these are great initiatives to support.

care for gaza - focuses on providing food and essential supplies. donate here or here.

connecting humanity - securing internet access via donations of virtual sim cards (esims). if you can't afford a whole plan yourself, crips for esims is a communal pool that will use your donation to purchase and maintain esims

gaza soup kitchen - provides food, medical care, and classes for children. also has a gofundme

glia gaza medical support initiative - provides medical care through field clinics and tents at hospitals. donations can also be sent through their website.

ele elna elak - provides clean water, food, clothing, and shelter. they also have a gofundme

life for gaza - raising money for the gaza municipality to repair water and waste management infrastructure

taawon - partners with local civil organizations to provide food, water, medical care, shelter, and basic supplies

the sameer project - running various initiatives providing tents, medical care, and necessities. they have their own encampment project focused on sheltering families with children, sick and disabled members, or members in need of perinatal care

islamic relief worldwide's gaza emergency appeal - provides food, water, hygiene kits, medical supplies, and psychological support

baitulmaal - provides a variety of necessities, including food, water, shelter, and medical supplies

gaza mutual aid fund - distributes food, hygiene products, water, and other essential supplies, including financial support. run by @/el-shab-hussein's amazing friend Mona. updates can be found on her instagram.

hygiene kits for gaza - provides hygiene supplies including menstrual products, wipes, and toothbrushes/toothpaste

anera - provides a variety of necessities, including food, water, hygiene supplies, medicine, blankets and mattresses, and psychological care

palestine children's relief fund - provides supplies and support with a focus on children. also has an initiative for lebanon

dahnoun mutual aid - provides water, food, tents, baby supplies, financial support, and other necessities. updates can be found through their instagram

certainly this is not an exhaustive list, so please feel free to add on other projects or organizations that i didn't include. and as always, please take the time to donate if you can and share. it truly makes all the difference.